"You're joshua to me, you're not any label or anyone to fulfill an expectation..."

Someone told me that one night, in an e-mail, and it clicked.

In the last few monthes, I have felt it imperative to rid myself of the "trans" label. Basically, to me, the term "trans" indicates moving from one thing to the other, meaning that I was once a girl and am now a boy. I don't see it that way. I am Josh, plain and simple. I am a boy, but I don't take that to mean that I am Joe Shmo straight white male, because I'm not. I don't see myself going from one to the other anymore. I have always been a guy. There are days when I honestly feel quite the like a straight guy and there are others where I yearn for acceptance in gay male culture, and that is something I have been struggling with very much. Due to my alliances with trans/queer/feminist communities, it's been very hard for me to explore these new identity aspects. I have been taking steps back from those communites, simply put, it's easy to lose yourself when you're fighting a larger cause. So, I decided to get selfish lately, and figure myself out.

Currently I am getting ready to start T probably by July of 2003. I have debated whether or not this is the right choice for me and I simply feel that is the step I need to take for myself right now. This has meant that I have been stressing about teling all my family members as well as being out at work, which I currently am not. I still fully intend to have my chest surgery done as soon as I can afford it.

I've lucked out and have the support of the greatest friends and assorted other support in my pursuit of these ideals. This is what I have to do to be at peace with myself. I no longer want the trans stigma attached to me, and that is both hard to hear, understand and live with. The trans community has given me so much, still does, but I can no longer survive emotionally in that well of pressure. Still however, it's hard to go away as well, it's like leaving security and peace of mind.

Basically, how dare anyone tell me how or what I should be, ya know? I am the only one who can tell me how to live my life, I don't want to live my life for anyone, any culture, anybody. I don't want to be a poster boy. I don't want to be the person known for my gender, known for my alliances, known for my sexuality, I want to be known as me. I want to be known for what I have done, not what I was or am. I'm Josh. Joshua.

This page will be changing much in the next few monthes. Check back.

Last Updated 5/24/2003