First off, I want you to know that I speak for myself, every tranny or whatever can tell you different things, this is just how I feel about myself.

I guess you're wondering how I know I am a trannyboy, what was it that clued me in. Well, honestly, looking back, I think I knew something was up my entire life, I just didn't have the language until I turned 20. I met this guy, Nick, and he told me how he was an FTM. From there, I went on to learn about trans stuff via the internet and when I moved to Chicago, I got emersed in the genderqueer community, and found myself as a trannyboy.

It's a little hard to explain, but I'll try. See I guess I was born into this body that I don't feel is right for what's inside of me. I am a boy, not a man, not a woman, but a boy. I don't identify as a man, but I know I'm not a woman either, so I sit somewhere in the middle of those two and say I'm a boy. I'm just me, and I struggle to be me. I feel that we can live in the grey space of gender, once we admit to ourselves that it exists. And that scares some people, but those people don't decide who I am, only I can do that, ya know? I feel pressure from the straight community, the "gay" community and the trans community. I don't fit what any of them want to see me as really, and simply put: that sucks. I dont' feel comfy with hardly even saying that I'm trans anymore because it's assumed that I am automatically an FTM(female to male). But I really don't feel like I fit that either. I don't act very stereotypically "male" or whatever, and I don't feel like a "male". But I know that I'm not a "girl" either in the way society thinks about it. So where does that leave me? Strangely enough, I learned about my "feminine" side only after I identified as a boy. It was like a release from trying to fit into the "butch" dyke mold that I felt I had to live up to. I'm not condemming the butch/femme identities by any means, but I found them confusing and full of community expectations that I couldn't get down with.

Basically, I don't fit in anywhere. Not even in my own skin sometimes. And that hurts and confuses and every other thing. Hence why I have a very strong desire to get on testosterone, aka T. Not to be male mind you, but to attain the attributes that I want to make me feel at home in my skin.

I'm currently living like 99.5% full time as Josh, with that .5 that I'm not being at home with my bio family. I will be filing for a change of name as soon as I get the money saved up, it's expensive in the state of IL. I feel confident in my decision to start T and I will be starting it as soon as my finances allow me to, probably summer 2002. I feel that T will help me see me in the mirror, and if it doesn't then I can stop. I am looking forward to my voice changing and little subtle things that only I will notice. I'm ready to embrace me, the me I know is there. But it's my body, my mind, and in the end, my choice. In the end, we are the one's we have to live with for the rest of our lives you know, might as well be happy.

But I also wonder why I feel that my body isn't masculine or a boy's body. That's society shoving it's notions down my throat. Like why do we assume that we are one or the other, hence why I am hesitant to go on T, I kind of feel that is just jumping to the other gender sometimes. As fucked up as that sounds, but I think these things sometimes. I think about losing my trans identity. I've worked so hard to establish it to myself. What happens when I pass so well that I'm no longer trans to the world, I'm just a guy? I don't know how I feel about that. Is it strange to say that I actually like binding because it reminds me of who I am everyday? We're all queer when we challenge these ideas and standards, but sometimes our worst critic and enemy can be ourselves, you know? It's hard to live in the grey space of not identifying either way and just not being a gender, period. I think that's where we trannies live, along with the other queer kids that refuse to buy into what we've been taught. Currently this is what I am trying to do. I'm a boy, anyone who knows me can tell you that. Being a fag is my gender identity, it's what I claim as my gender. Some people find that confusing, how can "fag" be a gender, isn't that an orientation? Well, it is both if you want it to be I guess, I really have no limits on that end, I am interested in everything, I've dated everything on the spectrum has me.

If I've totally blown your mind, which perhaps I'd like to think I did, go read my journal, otherwise e-mail me.

I realize that this page is hard to follow since my thoughts on this topic are scatterbrained at times. But I also think that is how this subject has to be dealt with. It's trivial but at the same time, it dominates more things than you can ever really imagine.

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