My name is Bonnie, and I had my first and only miscarriage in February of 2000. I first found out that I was pregnant in December of 1999, and the pregnancy was not planned. I was very excited, and immediately told my fiancé, who was also (to my pleasant surprise) very happy. I started seeing a gynecologist, and was put on prenatal vitamins immediately. I did everything that my doctor told me to do: I took my vitamins every night, ate healthy foods, wore loose fitting clothes, etc. When I was approximately 10 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to experience some spotting and rushed to the hospital to make sure that everything was okay. The hospital performed an internal ultrasound, and I was told that everything seemed to be just fine. I even got to see my baby on the screen and watch the heartbeat! They printed out a picture of my ultrasound and sent me on my way; I was very relieved. One week later, I showed up for my monthly appointment, and my doctor informed me that she was going to let me listen to the heartbeat! She started to listen, but could not hear anything. She told me not to worry, and that perhaps I was not far enough along to hear the heartbeat quite yet. I was not worried in the least, even though she made an appointment for me to see a specialist. A few days later, around 11p.m. at night, I was rushed to the hospital for the second and last time during my pregnancy. I was experiencing bleeding and heavy cramping. I was in pain for two hours before the doctor on call arrived at the hospital to perform the ultrasound. She said nothing the entire time, and about a half an hour later, I was informed that my baby had no heartbeat. I was crying, but not really from what they had told me; I was in so much pain that I couldn't think about anything else. They injected me with some sort of pain killer, and admitted me. I finally passed my baby around 5:30 in the morning, at which time the pain immediately vanished. I did not look at what I had passed; I was too afraid of what it would look like, since I was so early on in the pregnancy.

Shortly after the miscarriage, I became very depressed. I grew angry and bitter, not being able to even behold a pregnant person without crying. I cared about nothing except getting back what I lost. Disregarding my doctor's advice and my husband's wish to wait until we were financially secure, I refused to use birth control, keeping it a secret. The whole time, my husband thought I was on the pill. Instead of taking it, I took vitamins: the remainder of my pre-natal vitamins, and some herbal supplements that promoted reproductive health in females. I also gained about 50 pounds; I was convinced that I was going to be pregnant again very soon, and that I needed to eat for two. Of course, it never happened.  I kept hoping...and every month I would stare at the space where the line was supposed to appear and never did, and I would die for a week. As soon as my period was over, I became hopeful again; it was a vicious cycle. A close friend had a talk with me, and we agreed that it was better in the long run not to be deceptive and try to get pregnant without telling my husband. I have been on birth control ever since, but I don't want to be. Secretly, I hate my body. Ever since going back on the birth control, I have given up the hope of being pregnant. I don't over-eat any more, and I have lost 27 pounds, and hopefully I will continue to lose weight. I feel ugly; I feel that I gained all that weight and went through so much and achieved absolutely nothing.

I do not let myself cry any more, because I am afraid that I will never stop.

I created this website originally because I wanted a website where I would feel comfortable talking with people who actually understood what I was going through.  But now, after receiving such a large response, I begin to realize just how many people have gone through miscarriages, and just how much this site means. 

If I can help just one person, then it will make everything worth it.

Well, that is my story, and I sincerely hope that you will now share yours.