Rejection and insecurity are a way of life for the button-downed, pencil-pushing, tucked-in Ted. His hobbies include web porn, video porn, porn magazines and pining after codependent relationships and/or unobtainable men.
Despite his insecurities, Ted has had quite a few relationships.
Ted has had a serious crush on Michael from the first moment he saw him. This became apparent to everyone — even Michael — when the guys discovered a montage of photographs of Michael — a virtual altar — in Ted's closet. Ted never expected anyone to find it. Nor did he ever seriously plan to tell Michael about how he felt. He did hint at his feelings during Michael's ill-fated birthday party, but Ted somehow knew they would never be lovers. For him, Michael would only be the perpetual reminder of the sort of man he would dream of loving.
Ted and Emmett are nothing less than the best of friends in a Lucy/Ethel sort of way. Emmett was there for Ted when Ted was in his coma, and he made sure Ted's apartment was free of dildos in case Ted's bereaved mother stopped by. He also went with Ted to get tested for HIV, when Ted had a safe-sex blunder. And likewise Ted was there for Emmett during his own HIV-scare, not to mention Emmett's attempt at faux heterosexuality. (See the light, Emmett? Not this time.) But one of their most difficult times had to be Ted's second go round with Blake. Ted couldn't understand why Emmett wouldn't support Ted's foray into hopeless romanticism. Was Emmett jealous of him? Ted thought so, and he resented Emmett for it. But then when Blake ran out on Ted, Ted was able to turn to Emmett to help pick up the pieces...without a hint of "I told you so."
Ted was getting a little tired of Emmett's Porn-Star-Diva routine, especially when Emmett started demanding better lube and his name in lights over his bed. Who the hell did this guy think he was? Finally fed up, the two men parted ways both as business partners and as friends. Only it wasn't the same for Ted without his little buddy...Ted realized he'd rather get Emmett back than stick to his guns. He gave "Fetch" his name in lights. The two friends were back together, and Fetch was off to bigger (Could it be possible?) things!
Ted suddenly realizes his feelings for Emmett might be something more than friendship.
Ted really is in love with Emmett. He can't stop thinking about him. But when Emmett tells Ted he's not in love with him the same way, Ted is crushed...until he finds himself in a lip lock with Emmett smack in the middle of Babylon. What lays ahead for Ted and Emmett? Is it love or just a one-night stand between friends?
There is no doubt that Ted and Brian's relationship is mostly antagonistic. Although there was the one time — a complete secret — that Brian and Ted found themselves fooling around at a sex party. But neither of them likes to talk about it. Mostly Ted resents Brian. Resents his power to get any guy he wants, his arrogance, and especially Brian's comments about Ted's age and feebleness when it comes to picking up guys. Face it, the two of them couldn't be more different, and if it wasn't for their mutual friendship with Michael, they never would have hung out together. Although Ted did find Brian's indifference useful when he secretly named Brian as his power of attorney. He figured if anything ever happened to him Brian wouldn't hesitate about "pulling the plug." However, when Ted did fall into a coma after drinking too much GHB, Brian showed more of a conscience than anyone expected and did think twice...not to mention needed to take some time to deal with a hot male nurse. Luckily for Ted. Although this incident didn't necessarily warm Ted's heart concerning Brian (nor vice versa), Ted did agree to "hang out" with Brian when Brian and Michael temporarily stopped being friends. At first this forced friendship between Ted and Brian was an incredibly uncomfortable fit...neither really had anything to say to the other, but when Ted realized that he could pick up Brian's rejects, he quickly became quite content with his new "best friend." The kinship didn't last long...but then Ted's and Brian's real relationship is about being necessary antagonists, both squarely perched on opposite ends of the queer power continuum.
Ted tells Brian about his secret fantasy to be him and Brian decides to help make Ted's dreams come true...or at least a reasonable facsimile. It's perhaps one of the nicest things Brian has ever done for Ted. Unfortunately, it's not quite all that Ted had hoped it would be, and Ted feels worse than before. Without his dreams what's next for Ted?
Although Ted and Melanie's friendship started out on mostly a professional level — Ted is Melanie's accountant, and Melanie is Ted's lawyer — they have grown into good buddies over time. Probably one of the most prominent things they share as friends is their mutual dislike of Brian Kinney's behavior. Both believe that he is selfish and shallow...not that on some levels they also both respect him. The point at which Ted and Melanie really started to bond was when she and Lindsay broke up over Melanie's affair with Marianne. The separation was very hard on Melanie, and Ted was there for her to try and pick up the pieces. He was the one that went with her to Dyke Night at Babylon. (Not that he enjoyed it...at all.) And later when Ted wanted to help Blake find a job he asked Melanie to find a place at her law firm. Melanie, of course, obliged and found Blake a position although Blake eventually skipped out on the job. But despite this, Ted and Melanie have remained good friends who are always there to share a drink, a laugh, and some good old-fashioned Brian-bashing.
Part 1
Ted first saw Blake at Babylon. At first he was in denial that the sexy, blonde
20-something was looking at him, but soon Blake made it clear that Ted was the
one he wanted. Blake had to be one of the sexiest guys that ever came-on to
Ted...at least with the lights on. And to actually get the guy to go home with
him? Ted couldn't believe his luck. But then Blake brought out the GHB. Although
Ted didn't usually do party drugs, he accepted when Blake offered him some of
the clear liquid. Hell, it looked like water. Unfortunately, Ted didn't know
that safe dosages of GHB vary greatly...and he also didn't know drinking alcohol
with "G" has killed more Circuit Queens than any other party drug on
the market. So Ted took a gulp big enough to knock out half of West Hollywood,
and proceeded to drop to the floor in convulsions before sinking into a coma.
For his part, Blake was freaked, and immediately split. It wasn't until months
later that Ted discovered that Blake had called 911 from the corner. For Ted,
this little incident proved how cold and cruel this pretty bar trash can be.
Part 2
Ted ran into Blake again at Babylon. It had been the first time since his
"accident" that he had seen him, and Ted still found the younger man
hot as hell. Of course, one might think this was a little odd since Blake was
the one responsible for giving Ted GHB and then leaving him for dead on the
floor of his apartment...but a hot young guy goes a long way when you're a
middle-aged queer stuck in bachelor-hell in the bowels of Pittsburgh. At first
Ted was able to resist the temptation. He didn't need to get involved with a
party queen whose true love went by the name "Tina" — i.e. crystal
meth. Nope, Ted could definitely walk away...or could he? Not when he found
Blake, all alone, having overdosed on the bathroom floor of Babylon. He'd been
in that situation himself. So, against everyone's advice, Ted looked back and
soon he and Blake were in the midst of "Doomed Relationship" the final
chapter. Blake tried to quit drugs, tried to get a job, tried to be the man Ted
wanted him to be. And it might have worked out...except "Tina" was an
angry ex, and she wasn't ready to let go of Blake. When he disappeared from
Ted's life, he didn't even stop to say goodbye.
After his experience with Blake and GHB, Ted decided to avoid the bar scene altogether. It was too shallow, too much of a meat market. Ted decided to find Mr. Right in a less typical way: Date Bait. Date Bait was a group where queer singles introduce themselves in a "less threatening" environment. And so Ted met Roger, a slightly overweight chorus-director who seemed to want the same things as Ted: a monogamous, wholesome relationship based on shared values. There was an immediate mental click between the men. They agreed to hold off on sex to ensure that their physical connection would only happen after they were certain they were ready. At first it was like a dream come true for Ted. Roger was everything Ted wanted intellectually and spiritually. They shared the same values, and even liked the same operas. Waiting to have sex became more and more difficult. So they finally dove in. After all, there really was only one thing about Roger that Ted wasn't attracted to...Rogers looks. But this shouldn't matter when you have such a deep connection, should it? Let's just say the ending wasn't pretty...and neither was Roger...to Ted anyway. So Ted bid Roger farewell...with an added bit of advice about "maybe going to a gym once in a while." And Ted, like billions of others, made a beeline for the shallow end of Babylon. "It's great to be back."
Ted first met Dale back in business school. More than just having a crush on Dale, Ted always admired the tall, strapping, blonde man. He was always so driven and successful, a master at all he attempted. Oh...and speaking of being a "Master" - it turns out that Dale was into leather...and much to Ted's surprise, Dale wanted Ted to be into leather too...as Dale's submissive sex slave. Although Ted still thought Dale was hot, he wasn't prepared to switch his sexual taste from vanilla to chipolte so quickly. Or was he? Let's just say Ted took to the role of sex slave like a pig to a trough. You got that, boy? Yes, sir!
Troy was absolutely the hottest guy to ever ask Ted to go home with him. It was
like a miracle! Would there be a future for Ted and the juicy, muscle stud,
Troy? Not on your life! The hot night of sex was merely Troy doing his once a
year, one-time-only, gay pride "good deed." This, needless to say,
didn't make Ted feel all that good.
Ted's most intense relationship has always been with...uh...his hand. But
sometimes even the best relationships can turn into an ugly obsession. Thus it
was with Ted and his beloved limb - especially after he was fired for jerking
off at work. But the story has a happy ending, since Ted let his self-indulgent
lead him to a lucrative new career. And so Ted and his hand lived happily ever
after.
Ted had wanted to be an "A-Gay" ever since he learned this name for
wealthy A-list Pittsburgh queers. So when the snobby Garth invited him to one of
his parties, Ted jumped at the chance. Finally! At first he couldn't believe
that Garth would be interested in his friendship...and his first instinct was
correct. Garth wasn't interested in Ted, but he was interested in one of Ted's
web porn stars. Could Ted fix them up? Suddenly Ted felt like an
"A-Gay" pimp. Could he compromise himself just to be friends with a
slime ball like Garth? Well...as a matter of fact...he could. Ted was an A-Gay.
But was he happy now? Nope.
Ted felt that the cute and wholesome Luke was almost an angel. After all Luke's
whole life seemed to be about doing good for others. Thinking that Luke would be
repulsed by his very successful (but sleazy) website, Ted lied about JerkatWork
to Luke. But then Ted (being Ted) felt he had to be honest. And much to his
surprise Luke accepted Ted! He loved Ted for who he was, not for what Ted did.
Ted was elated...until Luke visited him at work. Something about seeing Ted give
pornographic directions to his crew was too much for Luke. Luke picked up his
angel's wings and flew the hell outta there.
TED SCHMIDT: He's been rejected more times than Emmett's Visa card.
Ted could be the most insecure queer man in Pittsburgh. A hottie in his own-right, Ted hides what he has under one of the most boring wardrobes known to mankind. He approaches every guy at Babylon with one thought in his mind: "How fast are they going to reject me?" He also has a secret crush on Michael, as well as a predilection for co-dependent relationships. He's past 30, and feels like troll-hood is just around the corner. His biggest joy is being a porn connoisseur, and he knows all the best porn sites on the web.
EARLIEST AMBITION: To be an opera singer or a fluffer on a porn film.
FAVORITE ARIA: Mozart - Act II, Sesto's Aria from La Clemenza Di Tito.
FAVORITE JUNK FOOD: Vanilla Pudding.
GUILTY PLEASURE: Surfing porn sites while at work.
THINGS THAT IRRITATE HIM: Beautiful guys who reject him. Brian getting any guy he wants. Michael being in love with Brian.
SEVEN FAVORITE JEOPARDY! CATAGORIES: Numbers Crunching, Wacky Websites, Parisian Potpourri, Dear John, Wine-o-rama, Teen Heartthrobs and Don't Callas we'll Call You (Anything related to Maria Callas!)
ITEMS THAT ARE ALWAYS IN HIS REFRIGERATOR: A bottle of vintage Dom Perignon that he's saving for a special romantic occasion (It's been there since 1989.)