Brain Droppings: The Butterfly Effect

Well, I don't really know what's going on. I just wanted to write to try and sort my thoughts out. I just watched The Butterfly Effect for the first time and I feel all screwed up in the head. I know that it has affected me, I just don't know how yet. I felt the same way after I watched Garden State, I knew I had been affected, I just didn't know how. It's 4 o'clock in the morning now, so there's no one to talk to. This is usually the time when I would go outside and light a cigarette and think, but I don't smoke anymore.

There were many things that appealed to me from the movie. Clint gave me a warning before he went to sleep that the movie was going to make me think, but I didn't realize before sitting down to watch that it was going to be thought provoking in the way that it was. I thought there was some theory involved and I would spend the rest of the night pondering over the intricacies of some obscure logic and wondering at its' significance, but instead I am alone except for the thoughts of where/who I am and how I got here.

The first thing that really hit me was the scene when Ashton goes back to see Amy Smart and she says, "Nothing ever gets better." That had me thinking, is that my life? Am I in an endless cycle of the same shit and nothings ever going to change? It has certainly seemed that way recently. The weird thing was, I had thought I would be ok with that. I am comfortable sitting at home instead of going out, and I never really thought I would feel the urge that so many people feel to go out into the world. I've never really felt inclined to leave the place where I'm at, literally, not metaphorically. Now I guess, I don't really know how I feel about it.

The next thing that I'm thinking about is the scenes about suicide. Amy Smart killed herself because nothing ever got better, and later on I thought it was a really powerful scene when Ashton was saved in the bathtub and remarked, "I can't even fucking kill myself." I'm not thinking about killing myself or anything, it just got me thinking. I think we've all thought about killing ourselves from time to time and I had to deal with it somewhat recently because of Uncle Jeff and... hell. I don't know where I'm going with this. That part of the movie just had an impression on me.

The next thing to analyze would be the real bread and butter of the movie. The things we've done and decisions we've made to get to the point that we're at, and the ability to go back and change them if we could. This was another part of the movie that I really connected with because I don't believe in predestination. How many things could I go back and do differently that would change my life drastically? If I could go back and change things in an effort to make things better, would I? I don't think so, but I don't know.

The next thing though is what I really believe the movie was about, self-sacrifice and trying to make people happy. I'd like to believe I do both, but I'm faced with the question, do I do both enough? I really liked the scene when he sits down and tells Amy Smart about all the things he's done and ends up saying the line, "I just wanted you to know that you were happy once, with me." I thought the ending, and some people would probably take this as blasphemous, was oddly Christ-like. Ashton killed himself so that his friends would have good lives. I'd like to think that if I were put in that situation I would go through with it, but I don't know.

So here I am left with all this information. All these thoughts and observations, and no conclusions.

So until next time, True Believers...
The bottle is empty
And the well is dry
July 2005

Back to Articles
Back Home