Top Ten Least Convincing Movie Roles
This weekend, Alex Cross opened starring Tyler Perry and Matthew Fox and somehow it's not a comedy. It debuted at a disappointing #5.Hollywood told us not to cross Alex Cross... and we have not.
But it's left studio executives wondering why? Is it because Tyler Perry is almost single-handedly the reason Republicans hate Obama
and less convincing as an action star than he is as a sassy black woman? First off, he's chubby. Secondly, he's a closet homosexual
and for a closet homosexual to be an action star in Hollywood you have to be a Scientologist.
Thirdly, black action stars are like Sith Lords. There can only be two, one to embody power, the other to crave it.
Denzel Washington embodies the power and if Tyler Perry wants to crave it he has to go through Wesley Snipes first, God Damnit!
Hollywood, I'm waiting...
I should point out that I love getting lost in movies. For two hours once I was able to believe that Bruce Willis was a deep sea oil driller and an astronaut.
Suspending my disbelief is normally not a problem for me. The secret as a director is to cast the perfect person and then find a way to shape the perfect performance.
When done correctly, it's fucking art. You look at the casting for a movie like The Wrestler and realize that
Mickey Rourke is the only man on Earth who is old enough, in shape enough, hideous enough,
and talented enough to pull that role off, and pull it off beautifully he did.
But then there's the other end of the spectrum....
Alex Cross isn't the first time poor casting and poorer performance have led to failure.
From the dawn of time they came, moving silently down through the centuries.
Living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the gathering,
when the few who remain will battle to the last.
No one has ever known they were among you..... until now.
10. Shaquille O'neal as Kazaam in Kazaam
A black genie? I don't have a large wealth of knowledge to base this on, but between Aladdin and Pee Wee's playhouse I am able to tell you three things with certainty.
Genies are blue, not black. They do not inhabit boomboxes and they do not speak through the medium of rapping.. This movie makes me believe that Shaq is
neither a genie, a rapper, nor a black person. If done correctly, this could have been a childhood classic but his shaqting is so bad that if I had three wishes,
all of them would be that this movie didn't exist. I've seen better performances in scat films.
9. Seann William Scott as Billy Hitchcock in Final Destination
I'm not sure if Seann William Scott is incapable of playing a different role or if he's just so good as the lovable buffoon that I don't buy him as anything else
(I'd like to think I'm wrong about this after enjoying Goon so much), but he had no business playing a whiny pussy in Final Destination.
SWS in this role is less convincing than Bill Clinton saying he didn't have sex with that woman.
It could be that he is merely predestined to play Stifler over and over again...
but I wouldn't complain.
8. Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates in Psycho
History has taught us that whether it be a murderous schizophrenic transvestite or murderous rampaging dinosaurs, when Vince Vaughn and Julianne Moore
appear on screen together things are going to get a little weird. As someone who is at his best when he's merely being himself, you would think
Vaughn wouldn't be cast as a creepy serial killer, but Gus Van Sant begs to differ and he made a good movie once! Maybe twice.
Gus Van Sant is so weird he directed a Red Hot Chili Peppers video and this rubs off on Vaughn,
who should only instill terror when co-starring with Ben Stiller.
"I'm actually very funny..."
7. Sean Connery as Jaun Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez in Highlander
This ones hurts me, so I'll be brief. Connery, who is actually Scottish, was cast in this to play an Egyptian alongside Christopher Lambert,
a French actor who was born in America and raised in Switzerland who is supposed to be playing a Scottish man.
Ramirez has lived for hundreds of years in Babylon, Greece, Japan, and most recently Spain
and yet somehow has a waaaay better Scottish accent than Connor Macleod of the Clan Macleod.
But there can be only one unconvincing actor in this movie,
and I'm afraid that Macleod and the Kurgan are both pulled off well
while Ramirez comes across like a drag queen in the dressing room.
This made me want to chop off my own head. You never prepared me for that, you Spanish peacock!
"Immortal women give great head."
6. Julia Roberts as Vivian Ward in Pretty Woman
Now this whole movie is implausible, but the most glaring error is Julia Roberts as a hooker. Keep in mind,
she does not play a high end escort but a street walking hooker on Hollywood Boulevard.
I have seen these women; smelled, touched, and tasted them.
Casting Julia Roberts as one of them is like casting Brad Pitt as the 40 year old virgin.
As a child, we all know that she sucked the talent out of her brother Eric like a thespian succubus,
and in most roles she does a great job but this is too much of a stretch.
Julia Roberts is just a small town girl living in a lonely world. She could take the midnight train going anywhere... except there.
Roberts wouldn't look like a hooker if she were covered in semen. Believe me, I have often fantasized about it.
You know that place between sleep and awake?
That place where you still remember dreaming?
That's where she'll always love you...
that's where she'll be waiting.
5. Adrien Brody as Royce in Predators
When I read that Adrien Brody was starring in Predators, I naturally assumed Hollywood was making an art film about men raping children (Finally!).
Much to my dismay, it turned out to be a new movie about the galaxy's most proficient killers.
It was actually directed by a man named Nimrod. Adrien Brody is famous for portraying a Jewish piano player
and selling Gilette razors. He typically plays soft sensitive men with smooth sensitive skin.
So who better to cast as a former CIA Agent turned mercenary to do battle with intergalactic big game hunters?
This makes about as much sense as a one lipped woman in an ass licking contest (Just trust me).
Remember when I said I had seen better acting in scat films?
4. Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom in Spider-Man 3
When I first heard that Thomas Hayden Church and Topher Grace were cast in Spider-Man 3 and that Venom was going to be a villain I got
super excited. Church has a look very comparable to Eddie Brock and Topher Grace eerily resembles Cletus Kasady.
I didn't think it was possible they were actually going to put Venom and Carnage in a movie together...
and I was right.
Venom is all about anger, vengeance, and sucking the marrow from your bones. Topher Grace is all about bland, placid, and sucking the mayo from your boner.
He trudges through this nightmare with all the emotion of a Xanax laden Keanu Reeves. I like Topher Grace too. Besides being the absolute drizzling shits
in the aforementioned Predators, I'm quite fond of him on That 70's Show and Win a Date with Tad Hamilton so I don't know what went wrong
(With this whole movie). My personal theory is that Tobey Maguire is a black hole of emotion from which no lightheartedness can escape.
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin
This is like the polar opposite of that Sean Connery pic
As I mentioned before, I am able to largely suspend disbelief. My brain can lower itself to near REM sleep levels and allow me to accept Schwarzenegger as a barbarian,
a time travelling robot, and a governor, but I draw the line at cryogenics expert and molecular biologist. I was unable to believe he was a scientist,
had ever taken science, or could even spell science. But at least his shittyness is entertaining unlike our next contestant.
2. Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader in Star Wars
"You were the chosen one! It was said that you would bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"
The vagina is an elastic, muscular canal with a soft, flexible lining that provides lubrication and sensation. Hayden Christensen is a vagina.
First off, he's Canadian. Secondly, he has the gayest name of all time. And thirdly, he was a "ball boy" at the Canadian Open tennis matches who once interrupted a match
with human temper tantrum John McEnroe and even McEnroe didn't have the heart to yell at him. He may actually be more pussy than man.
George Lucas ruptured his hymen and Hayden has been bleeding all over us ever since.
In the Star Wars movies, Christensen is out-acted by computer generated images. Darth Vader is supposed to be a person whose fear leads him to anger and his
anger leads him to hate! I have seen a security hologram of him... killing younglings! He's supposed to be a guy capable of mass murdering
his former friends but the kid from Phantom Menace is more intimidating than this labial sore.
It's like someone told him to watch a Midol commercial and capture the anger of a woman
suffering from her period but he accidentally watched
the one where she's bloated and weepy instead.
Now Star Wars is sacred ground (Did you fucking hear that, GEORGE?!?!?!), but the original trilogy is almost ruined
because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a creepy old pedophile.
You'd think that going back and showing everyone that the baddest ass in the galaxy
started out as a talentless pussy would be a huge mistake...
but is it really a mistake if it makes 2 billion dollars?
My heart says yes, but my head says...
1. Chris Klein as Charlie Nash in Street Fighter II: Legend of Chun Li
Now, pretty much everything about this movie is faker than a Katie Holmes orgasm. There's a God damn Black Eyed Pea in it,
Kristin Kreuk has the range of the first girl you ever slept with telling you, "It's ok", and rather than cast
an elderly Chinese man they decided to just dye Liu Kang's hair grey. To top it all off,
Neal Mcdonough's horrible Irish accent comes and goes like a 6th grader's erection.
But when it comes to being unconvincing...
this guy walks through the raindrops.
Everything Chris Klein Says in "The Legend of Chun Li" from Jeff Rubin on Vimeo.
Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun Li is precious to me as the only movie an employee of the theater has actively tried to talk me out of seeing.
Klein not only is unbuyable as an Interpol agent in this but is unconvincing as an actor at all.
He doesn't even convince me that he's a human being. Sadly, some type of alien trying to pose as one of us
makes more sense than this performance. I remember reading a review before seeing this that said,
"I can’t remember the last time I watched an actor fail to walk into a room convincingly, but Klein does it."
I wondered what that meant, but by God I knew it when I saw it.
This is the reason babies choke themselves with their imbilical cords.
Honorable Mentions
Harry Connick Jr as Daryl Lee Collum in Copycat
There was only room on the list for one creepy serial killer and Vince Vaughn narrowly took it based on the fact
that he is an actual actor while Harry Connick Jr merely occasionally pretends.
If being ridiculously handsome and singing docile tones in my ear could kill me then maybe I would buy Harry as a murderer but who knows?
Maybe this is who the Fugees wrote Killing Me Softly about.
New Christmas Album out NOW
Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code/Angels and Demons
There was a good argument that Tom Hanks just couldn't quite pull off rogue symbologist Robert Langdon
but I simply refuse to put him on a worst of list.
"I had AIDS once..."
Alanis Morissette as God in Dogma/Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back
When the high council was throwing out suggestions to me, this came up quite a bit. But as someone who lived through the 90's,
it's completely plausible to me that Alanis Morissette is God.
I've also often thought about this covered in semen.
Denise Richards as Smart Whore in The World Is Not Enough
Yep. More semen.
Firstly, Denise Richards was disqualified for being married to Charlie Sheen. She has suffered enough.
Secondly, originally an attractive physicist was going to round out the list at #1
because we all know that is the most unconvincing movie role ever!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...Fuck!
Tyler Bagz chokes himself while watching non-pornographic movies