I'm A Grown Ass Man

When I was little people would often tell me in different situations that I needed to, "Act like a man". Sometimes that meant kicking somebody's ass. Sometimes that meant fessing up about something I had done. Sometimes it meant accepting responsibility for my actions. From time to time I would do something and someone, my dad, my uncle, my grandfather, my godfather, would tell me that they were proud of me because I had acted like a man. What does it mean to be a man?

I still haven't quite figured it out. According to the government it's simply the act of turning 18 after having been born with a penis. I remember once that my mother came down to the place I was working at the time and was trying to force me to go home (I had just gotten out of the hospital). Two of my managers spoke with her and explained that there wasn't much they could do about it because I was a grown adult and had made the decision to be there. She told them that I wasn't a grown adult and neither one of them was either. I was 21 or 22 at the time, Randy's a few years older than I am and Ryan was 34. We satisfy the government's requirements, so what makes us not men?

Typically when I think of someone who's referred to as a man (Not to be confused with being manly) I think of a dude who's older than me, is very intimidating, and rarely smiles or laughs. My great-grandfather for instance. He comes to mind when I think of what a man is. But my grandfather wasn't like that. My uncle wasn't like that. My dad and godfather aren't like that. Does that mean they're not men?

Do I have to pretend to not enjoy roller coasters to be considered a man? Do I have to stop watching cartoons? Do I have to stop giggling when someone farts? Do I have to not do stupid things that people think are funny? If that is the case, I don't think I want to be a man.

I think of Randy as being a man and Randy acts almost as stupid as I do. I guess the difference is that Randy is successful. Who knows? Maybe if I won a bunch of money in the morrow suddenly people would treat me differently. Will that do it? What will it take? I graduated High School early. I am the only person in my immediate family to have graduated college. I've helped run an independent film company for 9 years. I've registered to vote. And yet when I look into the mirror I don't see a man.

Sure, I feel like a man sometimes. Not a very good one, but I'm working on it. I just don't know if I'm ever going to hit that point in my life where I look into the mirror and think, "You are a man. You are looked up to by some and hated on by others."

I can remember quite a few times having to throw older gentleman out of various bars for various reasons. Not white trash guys either, nice looking dudes in suits and shit. And they would say things to me like, "You're just a boy. What do you know?" These were guys that my mom would look at and consider a man and they honestly didn't know that grabbing a strange woman's ass was a bad thing.

I remember things like that and think, "Being a man is overrated." So what do I do? I guess I will continue going to the mirror and thinking,
"I am not a man... but damn I look good."

Until next time, True Believers...
The bottle is empty
And the well is dry
October 2008

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