Unknown Musical Maladies

A virus is a small infectious agent that can replicate only inside the living cells of an organism. They can be spread in many ways
(Via fomites, airborne) but most commonly is via airwaves. A virus can take over a musician
(They never wash their hands... or anything else, really) and replicate through the radio.
And with the decline of CD sales (Degenerative Disc Disease) these viruses may be spreading online even faster.
From Beatlemania to Bieber Fever, there have been many musical maladies over the years but there have been just as many
that the Center For Disease Control has covered up such as the common Coldplay,
Sublyme Disease, Soft Cell, U2mor, Crohn Thugs and Harmony, or Lars Ulcers. If you feel like you've been
down too long in the midnight sea, and you're thinking, "Oh what's becoming of me?"
your doctor might diagnose you with Diobetes.
But have faith, friends. The doctor is in! I consulted with my musical pharmacist T3
and have assembled a list of the most common diseases you haven't heard of and how to treat them.

*Editor's note- Tyler Bagz is not a real Doctor. He has an honorary doctorate in divinity from the Universal Life Church.

Gunsenrosis

Replacement of band members by regenerative nodules.

Symptoms- Chronic tardiness, excessive hair growth, hearing loss, narcissism, loss of friends, anal swelling, and firing your entire medical staff to seek a second opinion

Treatment- We used to prescribe Velvet Revolver for this but too many people came down with the unwanted side effect of misleading expectations.
The only known cure for Gunsenrosis is a reunion taken annually, but since that's never going to happen take 30 tabs of Sweet Child O'Mine daily.

Motley Flu

An infectious disease of birds and mammals. If left untreated can develop into Cruemonia.

Symptoms- Herocose veins, restless keg syndrome, cocaine blues, divorce

Treatment- Having children seems to fight off Cruemonia pretty well but if you're in need of a cure Nirvana's Nevermind has proven effective at killing all hair band related viruses.

Doctor's Note- Do not operate cars or heavy machinery if diagnosed with Cruemonia. May cause vehicular manslaughter.

Def Leprosy

A disease caused by bacteria which creates lesions of fans.

Symptoms- Loss of limbs, pyromania, hysteria, love bites, uncontrollable arousal in menopausal women, low blood sugar.

Treatment- Pour some sugar on it

Myo Chemical Infarction

Commonly known as a broken heart.

Symptoms- Chronic weeping, waiting by the phone, urge to listen to Dashboard Confessional

Treatment- A round of Emotherapy

Mumford And Parkinsons

A degenerative disorder of the central nervous system

Symptoms- Broken hip, fedora itch, waxy mustache, swimmer's luminear, Alabama shakes

Treatment- This disorder is highly contagious, mostly because for so long people were led to believe they could treat it by wearing non-prescription glasses.
The only real way to get rid of it is to stay away from other people afflicted by it. Once out of the scene, it will clear up on it's own.

Ozzteoporosis

A bone disease leading to an increased risk of fracture

Symptoms- Irritable howl syndrome, liver fatigue, locomotis insanis (Crazy Train), rabies

Treatment- When your bones are at an increased risk of fracture, there is only one solution- add more metal.

Lemmphoma

A type of blood cancer that occurs when the white blood cells begin excreting poison

Symptoms- Mutton chops, facial moles, motor head

Treatment- Beethoven

Doctor's Note- According to legend, Lemmy really was told his blood is toxic

Grohliosis

A medical condition that causes a unique curvature of the spine (Perfectly suited for leaning over a drum kit) due to extra vertebrae. Many rockers lack a backbone, this causes you to have a longer one.

Symptoms- Prolonged awesomeness, 4 hour erection, songwriting savant, instrumental comprehension

Treatment- You do not suffer from Grohliosis... you live with it.

Rick Asthma

A common chronic inflammatory disease of the airways

Symptoms- Momentary loss of breath

Treatment- Although attacks come on quite suddenly, they're never gonna hurt you

Gangrene Day

A serious and potentially life-threatening condition that arises when a considerable massive body of work dies

Symptoms- Blood in the dookie, nim rod, brain stew, punkchausen syndrome (A psychiatric factitious disorder wherein those affected feign being a punk band to draw attention, sympathy, or reassurance to themselves)

Treatment- 10 cd's of Sex Pistols STAT!

Adelenoma

A malignant tumor of melanocytes. Melanocytes produce the dark pigment, melanin, which is responsible for the color of skin

Symptoms- Singing like a black woman, recurring obesity, auto-tune deficiency

Treatment- Stop feeling sorry for yourself (He's not coming back) and have a one night stand.

Nickelback Spasms

A dull ache and burning sensation that you thought you could live with at first but which has grown progressively worse through repetition.

Symptoms- Repetition compulsion, glitter skin, substance deficiency

Treatment- Cognitive behavioral theory of a deadman

Lukemia

A type of cancer of the country blood characterized by an abnormal increase of immature blood cells

Symptoms- Affects Southern girls ages 13-25 from poor socioeconomic backgrounds. Shopping at Wal-Mart and watching CMT significantly increases the risk of catching Lukemia.

Treatment- Lately doctors have been prescribing 20 cd's of Johnnycashinol to try and fight Lukemia but more people are coming down with this cancer every year. The good news is that most people will naturally grow out of it.

AC/HD

A mental disorder or neurobehavioral disorder characterized by either significant difficulties of inattention or hyperactivity and impulsiveness or a combination of the two.

Symptoms- Enlarged johnson, angus beef, stiff upper lip, testicular elephantiasis (Big balls), uncontrollable shaking all night long

Treatment- AC/HD is kind of like the Human Papillomavirus. It's completely harmless if you're a male so no treatment is necessary.

Rolling Kidney Stones

A solid concretion or rock-like crystal aggregation formed in the kidneys from dietary minerals in the urine hanging around way longer than anyone would have believed.

Symptoms- Chronic dissatisfaction, jumpin' jack hot flashes, brown blood sugar, top ten shingles, pedophilia, inevitable Beatles comparisons

Treatment- Full blood transfusion

Kissentery

An inflammatory disorder of the intestine, especially of the colon

Symptoms- Chronic thriftiness, enlarged proboscis, rock n roll insomnia, dishonorable discharge, gene deficiency, cerebral paulsy, high cholaceterol, crissteria, anal leakage, loss of musical credibility

Treatment- Getting out of your parents basement, complete facial exfoliation, employment, and learning to play a minor chord.

Tyler Bagz still does not have itunes
T3 is a musical historian

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