Water Bongs and Plaxidental Discharges
In November Michael Phelps smoked pot at a party after attending a South Carolina football game. Big fucking deal.
Maybe he thinks it’s a snorkel…
Is this really something he needs to be ostracized for? Are there not bigger problems in our society than a grown man hitting a bong after spending 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in a pool for 4 years so he can represent our country on the world’s stage? This guy worked his ass off to be the best and the media is trying to crucify him for doing something that would’ve been legal in California with a prescription. And it’s not like he was doing it to cheat either; he was just trying to have fun. He was in South Carolina for God’s sake. Have you ever been to South Carolina? It’s awful. Hell, the guy that sold it to him was probably just trying to make some extra money because he lost his job in our terrible economy.
People are suggesting they take his gold medals away. Bullshit. For starters, I don’t see anyone taking Whitney Houston’s Grammys away and crack definitely should qualify as a performance enhancing drug. You don’t think all the cocaine that baseball players took in the 80’s didn’t maybe help them see the ball a little bit clearer? Have you ever seen someone stoned on pot? Can you imagine it making them a faster swimmer? Maybe towards a plate of pizza rolls. I don’t think this guy needs to be made to feel bad about this.
He said it was a mistake. Probably, but I would argue a relatively small one. When he was 19 he was arrested for a DUI. Now that’s a mistake. Again though, when you’ve won 8 Olympic medals at age 19 I can imagine wanting to blow off some steam. So he fucked up, served his time, learned his lesson, and came back and outdid himself by breaking a few world and Olympic records. Now he’s 23 and possesses 16 Olympic medals, 14 of them gold, and 7 world records. This poor guy has missed out on his life.
Training for any kind of sport requires a great amount of sacrifice and it’s even harder for the Olympics. This guy has had virtually no social life. Sure, with abs like that chicks are probably willing to overlook his big ass ears and bang him but he probably has to turn them down because he has a meet coming up. You’re on a strict diet, strict training regimen, and strict lifestyle for 4 years and then it’s over and you wanna try to relax. Plus he spent a few months in China where you can be put to death for suggesting that maybe their oppression of Taiwan is a bit too severe. That can do funny things to your nerves. China’s even worse than South Carolina. So he smoked some pot at a party. But is it a huge mistake?
Now Plaxico Burress, that’s a huge mistake.
Two guys who shot themselves and messed up their careers.
For starters, his name is Plaxico. I know that’s not his fault but he could’ve changed it by now. Obviously though, this teaches us something about the intellectual stock he comes from. You have a man who is 31 years old who made an entire clusterfuck of stupid decisions and he doesn’t have any Olympic medals. He barely has a Super Bowl ring. Why does he need a gun (Besides fighting the gum disease known as gingivitis)? Now I know Plaxico lives in Jersey and I realize that if you live in Jersey you’re supposed to walk around with a gun but Plaxico had no prior criminal record (Besides back and forth temporary restraining orders by him and his wife, both dropped) and the guy can afford a bodyguard. There’s no reason he couldn’t obtain a carrying permit where he could legally walk around with it (He had one when he lived in Florida, so he can’t even argue ignorance of the law) and I know he could afford the time and money to attend a safety class cause he’s rich and only works 7 months a year.
Secondly, it’s never a smart idea to wear sweat pants to a night club. But let’s say you didn’t feel like getting all gussied up before you left the mansion. “I wanna wear sweats in case I get into trouble and need to run away… but what if they catch me…? I better bring my gun too. But where to put it…” I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to put something in the waist band of your sweats but I’ve done it with my cell phone before and the little thing fell out. The cell phone that is. I’m also pretty sure that there’s not a gun on the planet lighter than a cell phone. But pretty much anything you stick in the waistband of sweats is going to fall out; that’s why I always make sure my gun has the safety on when I put it there.
Also, Miguel Caballero is selling bulletproof sweaters for 12 grand. If you’re going to do something stupid like illegally carry a firearm into an establishment that sells alcohol while unsafely carrying it in the waistband of your sweatpants you could at least buy some bulletproof underwear. I know the guy can afford it, he spent 65,000 dollars last year just in penalties after the Dallas game. But this is the same man who agreed to make public appearances for a car lot in exchange for a car and never made the appearances OR returned the car (It was later found and impounded by the NYPD with severe damage which Plaxico claimed he was only partially responsible for) And that was all just last year. But nobody seems to care. And don’t even get me started on that fucktard Pac-man Jones (Who I know for a fact smokes way more weed than Michael Phelps).
Yes, marijuana is illegal (Barely). But if Phelps was walking around with a bong tucked in the waistband of his speedo and it fell out the most it would kill is somebody’s buzz. Is this guy really no longer a national hero for smoking something that several Senators, Congressmen, and Presidents have admitted to? Something that I’m going to guess somewhere around 20% of the population enjoys. From all accounts he’s a nice guy who has worked incredibly hard to enjoy the successes he’s had and I’m proud to have the guy representing me. So stick that in the waistband of your sweats and smoke it.
And why was this story broken by the British press? They have no reason to go after us unless they're still bitter about all that tea in the harbor or losing those two wars. Maybe we should make having bad teeth or sounding like a pompous ass Olympic sports and they could win a couple. They're obviously jealous of all our gold medals and black president.
Until next time, True Believers… The well is empty and the bottle is dry