Top Ten Things That Are Fucked Up About Harry Potter
Just in case some of you haven't read the books (Because you'renot as intelligent as the rest of us) don't worry about reading this because
it contains NO SPOILERS to the last movie.
Here we go...
10. Harry Potter promotes underage drinking.
That’s right, butterbeer. Don’t think it has alcohol in it? It has enough to get a house elf wasted. And how about all the times Harry is offered wine, mulled mead, and firewhiskey before he turns 18 (The legal drinking age in Britain)? The only thing worse than arming a large group of immature teenagers with wands, reckless attitudes, and dangerous magical abilities would be getting them drunk first. But J.K. Rowling doesn’t care about that because she’s trying to get all of our children to worship Satan.
9. Why do people constantly not listen to or believe Harry Potter?
The answer is because the Daily Prophet is discrediting him at the behest of the government (Ministry of Magic). And yet you would think in a society where truth serum is readily available, let alone the fact that THEY CAN FUCKING READ MINDS (Legilimency), someone would think to use these tools to ascertain whether or not Harry is lying.
8. Why is Harry forced to participate in the Tri-Wizard tournament?
Someone puts Harry’s name in the Goblet of Fire unbeknownst to him… and he’s not old enough… and there are supposed to only be three wizards in the tournament… but Harry still must compete? Why? They only vaguely refer to the consequences of violating a binding magical contract… and yet the contract is already violated. Harry didn’t enter himself into the tournament. If someone tells me I violated a contract and it’s proven that the signature on the contract is forged then the contract is no good. And even had he put his name in, he’s not old enough and he doesn’t have a guardian’s permission. They would have us believe he needs a parent to sign off on going to Hogsmeade but not to participate in a dangerous tournament where people have died. Fucking stupid.
7. How come Hagrid is never allowed back in school?
It’s proven in the Chamber of Secrets that Hagrid was wrongfully expelled from Hogwarts and yet he is never allowed to complete his education. They don’t even let him get a wizarding GED.
6. This is touched on briefly in the books but I thought it was worth bringing back up because they never answer it. Why do the Death Eaters, who push a pure-blood agenda, work for Voldemort, who is a mudblood?
That would be like the Ku Klux Klan electing Obama Grand Wizard even though he’s halfrican.
5. The wizarding world has access to time travel and rather than use this advanced technology to go back in time, narrowly avoid having sex with their mother, and stop Biff… I mean Voldemort, they give it to a 13 year old witch so she can take extra classes in school. What the fuck?
In a survey I made up, 75% of people said that if they could go back in time they would kill Hitler, the Voldemort of the Muggle world. Wizards actually CAN travel backward in time and this never occurred to them? I wish they would’ve given ME a time turner when Prisoner of Azkaban came out. I could’ve gone forward in time to when Hermione turned 18 and lived the last 7 years guilt free.
4. Why are the Weasleys allowed out in public?
They’re Gingers.
3. Why does Dumbledore never do anything?
For supposedly the most powerful wizard on Earth, Dumbledore never really does much. He’s like the Clark Kent of the wizarding world. Everytime there’s a fight he shows up belatedly after the fact wanting to know what happened. “Somebody died? If only I had been here.” Yeah, Dumbledore. You should have fucking been here. At the very least he’s criminally negligent several times with students under his care.
2. Wizards refuse to use magic to help Muggles.
They blatantly say that the International Statute of Secrecy is put into place because otherwise Muggles would be asking them to do stuff all the time. Wait… so you wizards cured cancer in the 60’s and have been holding out on us? Fuck you. Bunch of old white beards with all kinds of money and power refusing to help people not as well off as them… sounds like the Republican Party. Seriously though, our petty problems are too annoying for them to solve with their near omniscient magic powers?
“Please sir… I’m hungry. Could you transfigure me a pizza or something? Oh… that would take you two seconds and a flick of your wand? Sorry to bother you.”
And they wonder why we burned them at the stake.
And the #1 fucked up thing about Harry Potter is... Harry Potter is a sex offender.
He is getting it on with Ginny Weasley and according to the Sexual Offences Act of 2003, the age of consent in England and Wales is 16. They start dating when Harry is 16 and Ginny is 15. I know it never specifically says they had sex, but come on! We were all teenagers once and I’ll bet dollars to galleons that he was bollocks deep with his wand in Ginny’s chamber of secrets. But let’s say Ginny’s a fucking bitch and makes him wait. Surely by the time Harry turns 18 she’s going to have to give up the wizard’s sleeve or he’s just going to go out and find somebody else to mix potions with. Well under the Sexual Offences Act, if a person (A) over the age of 18 in a position of trust over a person (B) under the age of 18, it is illegal for A to engage in sexual activity with B (section 16) and is classified as statutory rape. Position of trust? Like being the head of Dumbledore’s army? Being the Chosen One? You heard it here first. In all likelihood it is extremely probable that Harry Potter is a rapist.
Oh and Dumbledore’s not gay. That’s just fucking stupid. Enjoy the movie!
Tyler Bagz enjoys reading and hasn't had sex in 7 years