To Live Or Survive

To live or survive, a subtle difference, but I believe I have done both for prolonged periods of time. To survive, one must eat, drink, and find shelter. Or in a life or death struggle, one must survive by simply doing whatever it takes to be alive at the end of it. To live, one must experience the world and grow. One must persevere and be content with the valleys; and one must also exalt in the mountains. I clearly remember the moment I stopped living and began surviving but I don’t know the moment when I began to live again. Which leads me to believe that I am simply trying to survive again or I never truly started living again and have simply been surviving with benefits, so to speak. I have walked many miles, literally and metaphorically. I have felt joy and sadness and have felt passion and pain. I have experienced both love and hate and right now I don’t know which I prefer. Will I ever know peace? There is no equal to the joy of love, between family and friends and the person that is not quite family and yet is more then a friend. I have lived that life. I have lived. But when I had to survive, I embraced anger and hate. I drew strength from it. I have survived that life. I have survived. I have held hands with the black and the white, but I don’t know if I’ll ever find the shades of gray. I feel like I’ve lived on the edge of the knife for so long that if I fall off on either side I won’t notice. Will I find happiness in existence or will existence find happiness in me? If it is the former, when will it happen? And if it is the latter, will that be enough for me? Either way, how will I know?

Spirit.
It cannot be broken and it can only be stolen by death, the greatest thief of all. But how do you know when you’ve had enough? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When does a surgeon decide that he doesn’t have the power to bring a patient back? The point of giving up is different for everyone I believe, as to where my point lies, I wish I knew.

Spirit.
Can it truly not be broken? I don’t believe so. I think the spirit always remains, buried but never removed. That begs the question though, what is spirit? Incorporeal consciousness? The vital principle or animating force within living beings? The part of a human associated with the mind, will, and feelings? The essential nature of a person? I heard it best this way, there is the physical powers of the body, the rationale of the mind, and the emotions of the heart. They are the composition of a singular being. It is in the harmony of the three – body, mind, and heart- that we find spirit.

As many times in my life that I have thought about giving up, or have given up, my spirit remains. What is the essence of my spirit? I have no idea. But I know that it remains. How do I know? If the flame of the spirit’s candle is extinguished, there is only death. And I am still alive. But am I living or simply surviving? If I don’t want to do either, when will I know to give up? And if I can’t give up, how will I not?

Spirit.
It is the hero’s strength, the teacher’s resilience, the student's thirst for knowledge, the rich man’s charity, and the poor man’s armor. It cannot be broken and it cannot be taken away.

To live or to survive, this I must believe.

"I kept everything inside
And even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me
Will eventually be a memory
Of a time when
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end it doesn't even matter"

So until next time, True Believers...
The bottle is empty
And the well is dry
August 2005

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