White Noise
In the years before the Revolutionary War, a kindly old man lived at the foot of the Catskills Mountains named Rip Van Winkle. One day, to escape his wife's incessant bitching, he went on a trek into the mountains and came across a lonely traveler hauling a keg up the valley. Rip wanted some beer, so he helped the man up the mountain where he came across a group of ornately-dressed, silent, bearded men who were bowling. Although there was no conversation and Rip did not ask the men who they were, he discreetly began to drink some of their rape potion and soon fell asleep. He awoke in unusual circumstances. His gun was rusted, his beard was a foot long, and his mouth tasted strongly of vas deferens. Upon returning home, Rip is told that he has apparently been away from the village for twenty years. An old local recognized Rip and Rip's now-adult daughter took him in. At this point, Rip began sexually molesting his now-adult daughter and ended up impregnating her (A lot of this story gets left out). After 200 years of tawdry incest, his descendant Bubba Ray Van Winkle became the janitor at Ichiban Records. One night while furiously masturbating in the laboratory, he knocked over several beakers of dangerously combustible chemicals. In the ensuing explosion, his DNA Sir Mixed-A-Lot with the source code of Max Headroom and a Kid N' Play album to create a lifeform.
Rap was once a singularity existing in the middle of a vast black hole. This explosion/ejaculation resulted in a rapid expansion of the rap universe. This expansion caused the infant universe to coooool and resulted in it's present continuously expanding state. This was the Big Bang of the Wiggerverse. The origin of all white rapping. Before dying, Bubba Ray named him Rob Van Winkle. But you know him as... Vanilla Ice. His style really is like a chemical spill.
Patient Zero
Rob Van Winkle decided to go by the nom de rap Vanilla Ice presumably to let people know off the bat that he is both white and cool, despite all scientific evidence that white and cool cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He is famous for the huge single Ice Ice Baby, being dangled over a balcony by Suge Knight, and appearing in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, Cool As Ice, and Madonna's vagina.
Yep
Ever since his brief burst onto the scene, Vanilla Ice has fluttered on the fringe of pop culture like a White Castle fart. He has appeared in The Surreal Life, Hollywood Squares, and various Sheriff's departments across the country. Vanilla Ice is the only person in the world more dislikable than Fred Durst. I base this on the fact that at least Durst likes himself. Even Vanilla Ice didn't like Vanilla Ice. After signing a deal with SBK records (That has made him rich as fuck) he later regretted his business arrangements claiming they had paid him to adopt a more commercial appearance to appeal to a mass audience and published fabricated biographical information without his knowledge. They also oversaw the music for all his tracks.
His asshole is...
Now, before I go on, I feel like I need to take a moment and explain a little bit to you about how the music business works and how songs are written. Songs are like different people. They fall in love with each other just like we do. That's why they're called singles. When two songs love each other very much they share a special hug and 9 months later a new song is born. But sometimes two songs get really really drunk and a condom breaks, or one song tells another song she's on the pill when she's really not because she knows he's about to dump her, or sometimes a song just really wants to have sex with another song but she doesn't feel the same way and the first song does it anyway by being stronger or using drugs. Anyway, these situations end up in what's known as musical abortions.
Kinda makes sense now, doesn't it?
SBK records paid an evil scientist to go through the dumpster located in the alley behind the Planned Pop-Star Clinic and pick out musical abortions for Vanilla Ice to rap over. Every Vanilla Ice song was ripped from the womb of melodic integrity by a rusted coat hanger. Ten of these tracks ended up making it onto one CD and so now I give to you, True Believers, my review of the Best Of Vanilla Ice.
This literally cost me $5 at Wal-Mart
In order to grade them accurately I have painstakingly created a scale of Awesomely Bad White Rappers. The Best Of Vanilla Ice will be graded song by song on a range of Chet Haze to Fred Durst.
Wiggers Not Actual Size
Now first things first, the chocolate starfish is my man Fred Durst. Durst is best known as being the front man for Limp Bizkit and the world champion in the douche heavyweight division. Fred was a founding member of douchebaggery back in the 90's when douchebags weren't easily identified by their popped collars and hair gel. The fact that he constantly talks about how much he is hated actually forces more people to hate him.
In fact, he's only slightly less hated than...
Insane Clown Posse - The Wicked Clowns of ICP have somehow managed to become successful despite the fact that they're the most hated group in America. Their hardcore fans have allowed them to start their own record label and they have an entire stable of awesomely bad white rappers signed to it including (As of this writing) Vanilla Ice himself.
Marky Mark is awesomely bad for two reasons. Quitting New Kids On The Block and getting off on an attempted murder rap by only serving 45 days. Later, brother Donnie would produce his first album as Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. As time went on, Marky Mark would go on to greater and greater success leaving Donnie far behind. But Donnie would have the last laugh as being the Wahlberg brother to appear in the better (Waaaaay better) M. Night Shymalan movie.
Snow is named for either being white or being Canadian and raps in the style of reggae... cause when I think white and Canadian, I think reggae. *Shrugs* And what the fuck does lick your boom boom down mean?
MC Serch is an even bigger mystery as not only is he white but also Jewish. He's had a successful solo career but is most famous for being a member of 3rd Bass.
Another anomaly on the list is Haystak. He represents the greatest mystery of them all... the white redneck rapper. This is what happens when you don't like black people but do enjoy rap.
Mickey Parke is the white rapping member of the group 2gether.
Notorious B.A.G. (Brian Austin Green) -Coming off the heels of his success on a soap opera, Brian Austin Green made the obvious jump to white rapping.
After portraying David Hasselhoff's son Hobie on Baywatch, becoming addicted to methamphetamines, making a sex tape, appearing on Confessions Of A Teen Idol, and appearing on Celebrity Rehab for steroid abuse, Jeremy Jackson made the obvious jump to white rapping.
After brother Colin proved that it was impossible to live up to or surpass their father Tom Hanks in acting due to his incredible likeability and skill, Chester Hanks changed his name to Chet Haze and made the obvious jump to white rapping (I also would have changed my name after appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull). Chet Haze is the lowest common denominator of awesomely bad white rap. What's most interesting about this video to me is that he claims to be freestyling and yet shows footage of himself practicing his rhyme in the video. And now, on with the review. Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it!
1.Ice Ice Baby
Rated
Musical Abortion of Under Pressure by Queen and It's Tricky by Run DMC.
I'm going to leave this alone for the most part for the sake of nostalgia. We all know this song and despite all the reasons not to, we all love this song. I would like to point out though that this song is designed to make Vanilla Ice look tough and from the street (I think) and yet in the only altercation portrayed in the song when shots ring out like a bell Vanilla jumps in his 5.0 and drives away despite the fact that he is in possession of a nine millimeter handgun and that his friend has a shotgun, so bonus points for self-admitted cowardice. Also notable is that the video for Ice Ice Baby was the inspiration for the movie The Human Centipede.
And you thought it was inspired by Chuck Berry's sex tapes
2. Get Wit' It
Rated
Musical Abortion of Everybody Dance Now by C and C Music Factory and Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
This song contains the lyric, "You couldn't purchase my talent at any price" and yet as stated above I paid $5 for this CD. The most notable part of this song is around the 3 minute mark when they randomly start playing background music from Starcraft. This song proves that Vanilla Ice is worse at rapping than Crazytown and Crazytown has less life than their DJ (Look it up).
"Dude... that's fucked up"
If you listen in the background you can actually hear the virgins screaming that were sacrificed for Vanilla Ice's career. I'm not kidding.
3.Play That Funky Music [LIVE]
Rated
Musical Abortion of Play That Funky Music by Wild Cherry and Fight The Power by Public Enemy
This one's a little bit easier mystery for us musical detectives to solve as it steals both music and lyrics from another song. There are two interesting facts about this song. One, after the lyric "I'm rocking on the track while the fly girls yell" a bunch of dudes yell. This would seem to indicate that the record label couldn't pay women to lend their voices momentarily for a Vanilla Ice song and in LA you can pay a woman to do anything.
And I mean anything
Two, this song is the first of two songs on this album which claim to be LIVE but in fact clearly have a recording of a crowd edited into the track.
4. Roll 'Em Up
Rated
Musical Abortion of O.P.P. by Naughty By Nature and Warm It Up by Kris Kross
This sounds like somebody's grandfather wrote a song about smoking weed. It is the Reefer Madness of weed songs. People that are actually smoking weed are more coherent than this.
5. Rollin' In My 5.0 [LIVE]
Rated
Musical Abortion of Fly Like An Eagle by The Steve Miller Band and Summertime by The Fresh Prince
Vanilla Ice seems obsessed with his 5.0 but I don't know what this means. What is a 5.0? His ACT score? His penis size in inches? The number of minutes he was relevant? This is the second "live" song on the album to have obviously pumped in a crowd of people.
6. Cool As Ice [Everybody Get Loose]
Rated
Musical abortion of The Power by Snap and score music from Beverly Hills Cop
This sounds like it was written to be the theme song of a family friendly sitcom on TGIF. He actually mentions Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
This song contains the lyric, "The gays are amazed".
Why yes... yes they are
7. Hooked
Rated
Musical abortion of every Slick Rick song running a train on Rumpshaker by Wrexx in Effects
This song is the non-fictional tale about Vanilla's homeboy Randy and how a woman uses him to gain material possessions. It is the inspiration for every Theory Of A Deadman song. The lyrics in this song make Kid Rock look like Bob Dylan.
8. I Love You
Rated
Musical Abortion of I Need Love by LL Cool J and Smooth Operator by Sade
The only ballad on The Best Of Vanilla Ice proves that every pretend bad boy has a fake soft side. This sounds like Lonely Island spoofing a real R & B song or something Al Green wrote when he was 6. Not only that, but the music video was one of the first things ever directed by Michael Bay.
Yeah, that Michael Bay
Thank God Michael Bay wasn't famous yet. The only way this video would be worse is if Ben Affleck had been playing Vanilla Ice.
9. Ninja Rap
Rated
Musical Abortion of FUCK YOU THIS SONG IS GOOD!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
I'm also going to give this song a pass for nostalgia's sake except for the line at the very end where Vanilla says, "Out with the gladiator baby" which may tie, "Woooo! Bring on the girls!" from Queen's Princes of the Universe as the most random out of place utterance in a song ever.
The weirdest looking things in this picture are not the giant turtles
10. Satisfaction
Rated
Musical Abortion of Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones and Wild Thing by Tone Loc
Satan actually has a speaking part on this. This samples a Rolling Stones song. This CD has almost as much music by other people in it as a Dave Matthews concert. In one of the most ironic twists of music criticism history, the very last words on The Best Of Vanilla Ice are, "I can't get no satisfaction". Truer words were never spoken. After hearing it, I certainly am not satisfied.
Yo let's get out of here... word to your mother
T-Bagz is an avid rap fan and close personal friend of Vanilla Ice. He had special help for this article from T3
T3 is the savior of country music and a musical historian