Stand On My Left Cause You Know You Ain't Right

Why is it that people come on here and read the things that I write? What real lessons are here to be learned? I am a high school drop out, a racist, a hypocrite, and thanks to numerous blows to the head over the years and an excessive drinking habit there aren't as many brain cells left as I had to begin with. What I'm trying to say is that I'm not even all that smart anymore. I'm still struggling with my ever changing beliefs as they do battle with the taboos of my youth for moral and ethical supremacy. I try my best to not allow who I was to dictate who I am and yet how can I not?

Human beings are creatures of habit. That means I have an excuse. When I was coming up blacks weren't property... but they definitely weren't people either. For lack of a better term they were equipment. And nobody slept around. You were supposed to just find that one chick that hadn't fucked anybody else and you two were going to be together forever! There weren't black friends (I can recall 2 blacks in my elementary school. I believe the number doubled in middle school, maybe even tripled. Don't ask me about Hispanics) like there are now. There weren't many single mothers (Especially if they were under twenty-five) shopping and trying to make due so they could still have their own lives on top of providing for their children.

So what happened to me? Is it because I grew up in a rural area? Is it because I grew up Baptist? Probably all of the above. But what can I do about this?

Allow me to demonstrate. I cuss. A lot. I don't really believe there is such a thing as a bad word, only negative connotation. But when young people cuss in front of me my knee jerk reaction is to tell them to watch their mouth. No, I don't really care but it's been programmed into me, like opening a door for a chick. It's habit.

Do I have a problem with single mothers? No! If you can take care of a child by yourself then power to ya. And yet if I was confronted with one my programming tells me that it's wrong. "She's a single mother, there must be something wrong with her or the daddy would have stuck around. There's got to be a reason she's by herself in this." Then you read a book on anthropology and it's like, "Damn, we're basically designed to sleep around." I am a religious person and yet I am also a scientist.
It puts me in quite a conundrum.

Who am I? Who the fuck am I? What is it that I know that qualifies me to get on here and talk about what I think? And even worse, people read this shit! It tells me how many people read my web log. Every time I post something I can see how many people read it. So what is it about me that causes people to think what I have to say is worth a damn? Am I really that into the pulse of America that the things which are important to me matter to the majority?

I think the answer is much simpler. I think people know that I'm a dumb ass who dropped out of high school, a racist, a sexist, and a liar. I think they comprehend that I realize how imperfect I am… and that I'm working on it. I'd like to think that people who know me well realize that for the most part I recognize my faults and that I'm attempting to work on them. I realize that some of the stuff that was shoved into me when I was younger probably isn't right. And a lot of the stuff that's being shoved onto me now isn't right.

But the question is, why do people read and/or value what I say? Much like a lot of the other topics I don't really have an answer. I can only hypothesize that it's because while there are people who would agree with me on the points that I make; there are also those simply willing to agree on the fact that I am perfectly aware of my fallibility. Yes, I am a racist. I do not let this stop me from interacting with those of a different color. Yes, I am sexist. I do not let this deter me in my interactions with women (Especially when they want to pay half the bill). I think when it boils down to it people read what I have to say because I'm willing to admit that I could be wrong.

But I could be wrong about that too.

Until next time, True Believers...
The bottle is empty
And the well is dry
May 2008

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