The Gus Newsletter- 4/24/02

"You needn't be a afraid... I'm kosher..." --- Dracula

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO INFAMOUS ISSUE #2! Now... on to the... something... whatever it may be.

I have a treat for you all today. Now I know that I'm still early in my game, but I already have treats piled around the door for you'all. In this installment of THE GUS (and it's a surprise to me too, trust me...) I got us folk'll an interview with a REAL Three-dollar Crack Whore! WOO! Also, I got a really funny comic strip I picked up from the Daily News and an inside look at how I cook refreshments. ENJOY!

Well? Where are your opinions and ideas? What is that something everyones wondering about? You peeps got until Sunday for an answer or I'm going to come up with a piss long theory of what I think it is. (And you would not like that too much...)

I picked this up from the 4/22/2002 Daily News...

I'm in love with this picture...

I found this crack whore in Red Hook yesterday night, and the first thing I thought when I saw her was that she would make for a fabulous interview. However, I though it was kind of odd that they were called Three-dollar Crack Whores considering they charges $20 an hour, but I eventually learned the reason they were called what they were...

GUS: Hi there madam, may I interview you for my GUS NEWSLETTER!... ?

$3CW: It'll cost ya'...

(NoTe: She really sounded like a drugged up Ozzy Osbourne, luckily though, I understand that language and was able to translate. End NoTe)

G: How much...

$: $20 dollars an hour.

G: Why not three?

$: Because three doesn't pay for child support.

G: I thought only guy's paid child support.

$: Your point?

G: ...

$: I'm not the father you runt!

G: That's right... your not... I mean... your not, right?

$: No.

G: Your not a guy under that skirt, are you?

$: I'm a Three-dollar Crack Whore... do you think I could afford to be a guy?

G: Your starting to frighten me.

$: Like I give a piss.

G: So... if your not the guy... and you pay child support... I'm confused.

$: Like the bitch you are.

G: Can you please explain.

$: My pimp, he needs the money for his baby's momma.

G: So your getting the money for him with this whole $20 an hour shtick.

$: That's right, because $3 won't buy you a shit load of shit these days.

G: Well actually, you can get all your call up to 20 minutes for only 99 cents and 10 cents for each additional minute using 10-10-220.

(A long silent pause)

G: If you make $20 dollars an hour, and your pimp needs child support money, where's your cut?

$: My pimps a communist. We don't work on commission. Everyone gets paid equally with my pimp.

(Long pause)

$: You 511?

G: No.

$: 10-17?

G: No.

$: Fed?

G: No.

$: Gay?

G: No.

$: Your father know your gay?

G: No.

$: HA HA... they fall for it all the time.

G: Fall for what?

$: Your gay.

G: I am not.

$: Are too.

G: Am not!

$: Are too!

G: Nu-uh!

$: Ye-eah!

G: Shut up.

$: Make me.

G: Will $3 do it?

$: (Thought for a moment) Fine... sure.

(I gave her the $3)

G: But seriously, I have a question for you.

$: What is it?

G: Why are you all called Three-dollar Crack Whores?

$: Because that's how much the buzz we give is worth.

G: Isn't three dollars worth of crack nothing.

$: Basicly.

G: I see.

$: With those thick glasses, I hope you do.

G: That was cruel.

$: You think I care?

G: You know... if there was a tempurature of how cold you were to me right there, it would be negative really-cold.

$: I've been told worse.

G: Yeah... well that's what you should expect if you become a Three-dollar Crack Whore.

(A pause)

$: That was cold.

(Another pause)

G: I'm sorry.

$: Your forgiven...

G: Thanks.

$: So... you want to get sucked off or not?

(Long pause. I looked to my left. Then my right. Then to my invisible non-existent watch. Then into the sky for a moment.)

G: Probably not. The moons looks a bit funny tonight.

$: Ohhh... I hear ya'.

G: What's that suppose to mean?

Hedonism

- n. - Belief that pleasure is the sole aim in life.
Example of usage: "I believe in hedonism."

Today, being wednesday, I will teach everyone how to cook:

1. Put the pot over a stove.
   
2. Put the water in the pot.
   
3. Heat the water until boiling.
   
4. Once boiling, dump out 3/4 of the water into the other pot w/ the lid over it.
   
5. Now place the 2 Lipton Tea Bags into the first pot.
   
6. Let the water w/ Tea Bags boil some more.
   
7. Close the stove.
   
8. Take a mug or cup, fill halfway or so with the Tea Juice first, then fill the rest up with the spare water.
   ENJOY!
   GUS's Back To Talking With You Shit...
   

   Well... issue two draws to an end. Sorry if this sucked ducks again, but hey, like I cared if it sucked or not.

   Till you don't care anymore, I remain,

   GUS!