Chapter Two:  Thinking About Life

Subject: Re: request

Date: Thursday, May 04, 2000 12:38 PM

Dear Wendella,

So glad to hear that you are writing you're narrative! You requested a set of interview style questions think this is a good idea, and I will include the list of questions in the next newsletter I will be putting out later this month in case other contributors might also find it helpful. Please let me know if this method works for you.

Do you think it possible to get your narrative to me by June 1st? That would be very helpful if possible. Just let me know. Also, if you can send your story via email that is the best so that I won't have to key it in again. Please refer to the newsletter I sent you, and also the letter entitled "Dear Contributor" for more suggestions for writing your narrative.

Here are the questions I came up with:

1. Were you abused as a child? As an adult?

2. How were you abused?

3. How often did the abuse occur?

4. Did you carry these memories with you into adulthood, or did you retrieve  these memories later?

5. Did you have therapy or other help in dealing with the abuse as a child?

6. What type of therapy or other help have you sought as an adult?

7. Do you feel that your history as a survivor had an impact on your birth experiences? If so, please list the ways in which you feel this is so, for each child.

8. Do you feel that your history as a survivor impacted your bonding with your baby(ies)?

9. Do you feel that your history as a survivor has had any affect on your ability or willingness to breastfeed your baby(ies)?

10. Do you feel that you were treated with compassion and respect by your primary care providers during your pregnancy and birth experiences?

11. Do you believe that your history as a survivor has had any negative impact on your ability to be the kind of mother you wish to be?

12. What type of therapy or recovery techniques have you been involved with, and for how long?

13. What aspects of your therapies do you feel have been most helpful?

14. What aspect of your therapies have been not helpful, or even damaging?

15. How do you get the support that you need for your issues now?

16. What advice do you have for other survivors of sexual abuse who are contemplating becoming mothers?

17. What would you like health care providers to know about survivor moms and their needs and issues?

18. What do you want your children to know about abuse? How do you teach them about this subject?

19. Anything else you would like to say?

Thanks for your contributions, Wendella.  I look forward to hearing from you

again!

 I will now go over the survey questions and add what I may not have covered already.

The first child was conceived and born to help myself. The second child was conceived and born in order to gain approval of the father. The next child was conceived for the same reasons and the father refused any form of birth control. I think I could say all the children were conceived from the same viewpoint. In order for me to stay alive I had to be pregnant to be of worth.

As I mentioned earlier I was terrified to leave my babies. I slept with them in my bed. I never let them cry for any reason. I was trying to protect them, not realizing at the time I felt I was protecting my life as well.

I bonded well with all my children until they could walk. I am not sure why that is. Time will teach me.

Breastfeeding was just a part of my having them close to me. It was alot of work. I also was trained that cows milk was bad so that enforced my desire to breast-feed.

All my midwives were not certified and not associated with any state regulatory agencies.  That made them safe I guess.  Each one had a different personality. All were very compassionate and caring. They each had their own personal problems too and used helping others intensively to heal themselves. Midwifery is an ancient art.  I admire them all for what they give to humanity.

When I am stressed watch out. I learned to give myself time outs years ago. I never beat my kids but I did yell alot. As more memories come I am calmer in many ways. I can even envision playing with my children someday.  I was forced to kill my playmate and never played since. I feared playing brought death. At 2 to 3 years old logical conclusions aren't there yet...

Because I have chosen to learn from my experiences I can help almost anyone in stress.  If they are willing to listen I can help at least a little bit. I can have compassion where many cannot.  I do have pride though; it's hard for me to tolerate those who chose to not grow.  I need to work on that one.  Learning and being analytical was my escape from my emotions.  Emotions are very painful for me, thinking isn't.

I have been in counseling off and on for 7 years. The last 3 more so than before.  I chose my counselors and usually the course of the discussions. I can't be hypnotized, I have never taken any anti-depressant drugs, and they scare me to no end.  I have never been institutionalized or hospitalized.  I learned my own way out of my pain.

Whenever one has a therapist who goes on and on about themselves or tells you they believe you but are lying, even if they think its in your best interest to do so, its very damaging. Trust is more important than anything. Anyone who truly cares can help you.  Truth will set you free. 

My support now comes from myself, in that I have to keep remembering all the wonderful things I have gained, as in the ability to forgive my mother, which took me several years to do.  Secondly, it comes from my oldest son simultaneously with my therapist and some online friends who are all in similar situations as mine.  I also get support in that when I learn something, because and directly related to my healing, in sharing that with someone else and they are benefited by it, it's very validating to the whole experience.

Advice on becoming a mother:

Motherhood is the greatest gift, the most intricate way of learning about yourself, past, present and future. The only individuals I would tell to not have children are those who are following in the footsteps of generational abuse and have no desire to heal from it. Their offspring would surely want for love.

If you can see your children as a mirror of yourself, both good and bad and in that forgive yourself and your parents, you will come to enjoy the healing experience of it. Sometimes the pain you re-experience sets you in fear of continuing on in getting better. But remember what you will learn today can set you free of tomorrow. If as a parent you find you are out of control there are many in your community who will help you if you have the right desire in your heart. Sometimes it takes patience even with those who do help you if they understand not the struggles you experience inside to control your emotions and feelings.  If you feel bridled by societies standards and that weighs you down, don't feel alone. There are many new and old philosophies, which would tell us that because we are not perfect we are not worthy to be parents. Just remember most of those people themselves may not have ever had children or never experienced their own child hoods with joy. Joy and love and trust beget the same. Where it does not exist in the adult you will also find it lacking in their childhood. When one learns hatred as a child it is excruciatingly painful to unlearn that the love you knew was actually pain. It is very hard to retrain the mind, heart, muscles, emotions; the whole nervous system of a human being is geared to accept that which it experienced as a child.  It takes tremendous effort for me to accept peace as love when silence and "peace" meant I didn't know what was coming next.

I survived because I was blessed to live within my mind and heart. I was given the courage somehow to never go against my own internal principals.  This has brought me to where I am now.

Another thing I would advise is to allow others to help you raise, love, nurture and discipline your children as long as you can agree with what they believe and actually do.  A friend of mine taught me in these last two years that it takes a community to raise a child. This is true.  Don't get it confused with "group parenting" or believing that the biological parent is not necessary as many are promoting around the world.  It's just a way to spread yourself a little bit better as you are only one person. 

To give you an example so there is no confusion; there is a college program in my town called Project Pals.  For single parents each child of the family, age 6 years or older, is assigned a college student to take them somewhere once a week for about an hour. With myself being single and having 5 little ones, this program has really helped all of us.  It has taught my children much.

One last thing that I never learned and have great difficulty in accepting.  First, a child's self-esteem comes from the love seen and expressed between his parents. If a child has a parent with abandonment issues that is almost impossible. Even if there is separation or divorce, never saying anything negative about personal issues regarding the other parent will greatly enhance your child's self-esteem.

It took many, many years for this next idea to come forth and many may disagree with me.  If the parents take time for themselves, despite a lifestyle so busy they can't keep up, and show by this and other ways that they know that they are important, the children will grow up knowing that as well. When you are recovering from years of abuse, there are many times that you are so frustrated with your own behavior it feels really awkward to reward yourself.

Health care providers can help or hurt depending on their personal backgrounds and the view from which they enter your lives. Only truly compassionate people in whatever field will be able to understand what you are going through.  It behooves one to learn how to kindly teach others about abuse and its effects.  I had many help me and many hate me.

I would ask them to be more open to not follow standard, rote procedures and really be there for the individual at hand.  Listening with the actual intent to hear can be a great kindness.

My children have learned much that only they know. They know what insecurity is very much so. They bonded together unusually strong for children. They know men are not supposed to hit and they know if they are scared to go to the police. I have tried to teach them to respect each other but haven't done that very well, as I did not know what it felt like myself. I guess I learned that how I allow my children to treat each other is how they will in turn treat their spouses and children.  I hope I have given them a better start in life then what I had.

I want to mention boundaries. If you are a therapist reading this you will see that I had no boundaries. I was never safe. For a child, as I have learned, boundaries bring security.  Its what keeps them calm. I never had any and the ones I did have were of my own choosing as I had decided that the pain was too great to continue on in pursuit of that course of action. I learned in every instance that I was able to carry it out; that saying something, doing it, making it stick was the greatest gift I could give to my children.  It is my greatest weakness. Every time I try to set a boundary, my past kicks in and fear of death, and I usually give in to my kid's desires. In my own way I am continuing the abuse here, yet I am not strong enough to overcome it. I must forgive myself this several times a day. I just can't take away anything or deny my kids anything when it's not a life and death situation.  That is all I grew up with. Anything less is simply unimportant in my subconscious mind. So, if you have the strength in your heart to make boundaries and keep them, your children will grow up being able to function well within societies bounds. 

I would like to say that I have much yet to learn.  That patience with yourself, forgiveness of yourself and your imperfections, that forgiveness of your abusers and hope they can change, in others words...

"Forgiveness Without Charity Is Nothing."

Thank you for inviting me to contribute.

Respectfully,

Wendella K.