Chapter Three: The Journey Begins
Today is January 4, 2000. It is around 10:00 a.m. and all my kids are in school. I want to start typing the specifics of my first SRA memory, but I guess that is not so easy too do.
The Mockery of Christ
"He looked like he was supposed to be a mockery of Christ when he was crucified, but we knew better. He was our brother of ten years old who was "dumb"; he couldn't talk. When they told him he had a special assignment he smiled at them which said, ""Yes, Master!", so innocently happy to serve them.
When they killed him they gloated over his innocence. That is a victory to them you know. Taking the lives of innocent children to their grave. What they don't know is that Jesus is there waiting for them, the innocent ones, to take to an eternal state of immortal glory only the valiant in life can achieve. The age of eight is not a barrier either for those raised to treat good as evil and evil as good. Heavenly Father loves all. That never changes or falters. That is why we are commanded to forgive because only He knows what's in their hearts. When we judge,
we only condemn ourselves of our own pride and lust at power over another's soul. That makes Heavenly Father sad.
What has seemed to affect me most about this incident was the idea that I had seen someone die because they lied. These creatures taught that Jesus Christ was not a God or a Son of a God, but a mockery of all that a God could represent. In this, they raised Satan or Lucifer (he commands them to call Him 'The Father' when they address them), to themselves, within themselves and in there now cold, forgotten hearts, as the one and only Savior. Jesus teaches us to Love. Do you know what Love is? Do you know what forgiveness is? Have you ever made a small mistake
and thought you would die for it? Well, that is what Satan taught and it permeates the soul almost impossible to unchain oneself from.
I grew up believing that if I told a lie I would be crucified - in whatever way 'The Father' chose. These feelings and beliefs have been hidden from me for 40 years. Just as most Prophets were taught for 40 years in a sense, so was I. Much have I learned and am still learning about myself that when uncovered brings me out of a state of turmoil and confusion no one but God himself could understand.
If you believe that what you see is real you try to learn from it. If you don't know good from bad or right from wrong, anything an older person desires can be taught to you. If pain and threat of death or dying is involved or loss of a loved one, that teaching never goes away without great effort and recreating the same environment and feelings as was once experienced.
Only 2 years ago did I realize I would not be killed for lying. It was good and bad. Now I have to make conscious choices about what to say to whom and how much and when and relearn all the normal natural social skills that a baby and little child does. The experiences took away my ability to have common sense as most people call it. I have had to learn it, 'Line upon line and precept upon precept'; one painful step at a time.
Everything we experience teaches us something whether we know it or not at the time. We "learn", by our experiences when they are recalled for exploration and evaluation. When one becomes prideful about something and refuses to "look", they stop learning and freeze right where they are.
I know I can lie now and not die. But when I do lie, my conscious, which Jesus allowed me to have and nurture, still dies a little and then I must learn to forgive myself my error. Many people call this process in a religious sense, "Repentance".
The women wore dirty, black robes with hoods. Yes just like in the movies. Only these were not pretty women. I can't really see their faces but I can feel their ugliness. That is a kind word. They lusted over the death of this young boy as a sacrifice, an offering to their 'Father' of their love for him. Let me try to explain what that means from what I have learned. Love in Christ's world means the ability to control oneself for growth and harmony in a society free with joy and happiness.
Love in Satan's world means complete control, power and dominion over another to absolutely posses one's soul. To love Satan was to allow him to absolutely posses your 'everything'. Your mind, your body, your heart, your thoughts, your joy, your pain, even to posses that which another might wish to give you. You could have nothing without Satan owning it as well.
In Christ's world, all is ours to keep or freely give to another. If we chose to give to Christ he rewards us by giving us back 3 or 4 fold of that which we shared and he never keeps anything we do not want him too. They are exact opposites. Satan leads to total control and power taking away all light and knowledge and choices with him, and Christ gives so freely that at times we cannot accept all the blessings that come.
I knew something was wrong when the women poured the boy's blood over me. It felt awful. It did 't make me feel warm - it took all my warmth away. I guess that is partly how I knew it was wrong. Somehow cold didn't feel like love to me.
The Light of Christ is a gift to all promised to us in the Bible. This light brings many things that we all take for granted. Do you think that we would enjoy the beautiful clear blue sky, of the sweet sounds of a robin singing in the morning or even the innocent smile on a babies newborn face if we weren't born and created in a likeness of his image? How can cold be a part of us unless something has been added or taken away that was originally there? Can you find anything about Satan's world that is warm and beautiful? I think not.
I know that there are other memories of women touching me as when I get to close to a group of women I become so numb as to block off my feelings so I can stay and try to be a part of what is happening in the present. I know not all of my past and never will. I know Satan uses women in what I might call a 'Coven' to do his works. They, 'Covens', are an abomination to me.
It makes me sad that little children can be taught so much ugliness. Yet with how Jesus Christ has saved me, I know and have great joy in the resurrection. For my soul shall live in Him, yet my sins be as dust and return to me not, unless it is my will to relive them. Not one part of my heart will He let Satan take away from me as long as I believe in Him. Jesus will never abandon me. He is always there by my side even when I cannot see Him. Trust in Him and Thou shalt live forever!
My Best and Forever Friend - Maggie
In one of the first memories that came to me immediately after I prayed, I had killed a little girl. She had beautiful light blonde curly hair like that of an angel. When the memory came I was in a daze - a state of mind where you believe nothing is real and yet everything becomes more real than life itself.
For me these memories threatened my very existence. I had been living all the commandments and had asked God to forgive me and for his blessing. To receive these memories as a gift was almost impossible. So I did what I had trained myself to do and that was to pray - again. I asked Heavenly Father to cast out the evil from my mind and bring me peace. The answer came and I can still hear it in my heart, "Maggie is real."
All my counselors had told me to treat them as if they were real. They gave me no other advice. It took me a long time to accept this. Months later another feeling came into my heart, "They made you do it."
After this I saw in my minds eye a vision of Maggie standing beside Christ, both in their respective glories. I knew she was okay and had forgiven me. I even knew she loved me and was watching over me and my children. She is a very special friend.
Here is the memory:
We had been dancing around the fire as children do, excited by the flames and dancing lights. The others were prepared. We knew someone would die tonight. They tried to teach us that we were going to be reborn when we died into a
I heard the Horns. These were used to start the ceremony and announce the arrival of Him. He came out dressed in costume with an animal head on his shoulders like a bull/goat beast. It wasn't pretty. It was evil.
He came and took Maggie and lifted her up. She was smiling from dancing. He spun her around as if he was happy. Then all of a sudden he threw her hard to the ground. The horns blew louder and louder. I heard something break as she fell.
It appears as if he is scolding her for disobeying. She doesn't react. She doesn't move. Her eyes are staring and not talking to me. I can't tell what is happening to her. There is a small trickle of blood running down from her nose.
He orders, "Place her on the Alter of Eternal Sacrifices." I scream in my mind, "No, NO, not my Maggie. Take me, take me, I will go...Please let her live. She is my friend." But I could only show acceptance or I would die too. Death was instantaneous if you showed anything but complete acceptance. I had seen many die from the "tail", a fiery bolt of lightning from his hand. They died without thought or feeling. No one cared. No one cried. No one
lived.
Several people hooded ran and picked her up and placed her on the altar. They started to sing and sway. They get naked and have an orgy. It is glutinous, like beasts at a wild feast.
He comes and takes me by the hand. He is a black man. He looks at my mother as he takes me over to the altar where Maggie is. My mother replaces her clothing and comes to us. The others follow, as my mother is the leader of the women. They crowd around as if they are going to miss seeing something wonderful - the initiation of a daughter of Satan's Bride.
They start to chant, "Do it... Do it... Do it... Do It...", over and over and over until it's all I can think or hear in my mind. I feel an evil presence try to come inside my body and I being an expert at this tell it to go away and no one but the spirit knows. I am still in control of my mind. They do not have me. I vowed that they never would, even if I died staying loyal to myself and what I thought was right. I hated them and they did not know it.
He looked at my mother again. She obeyed his command and took the sword and cleansed it upon her own flesh of her left hand. She turned and looked at me and I knew what she was going to make me do. I had seen her do it before, laughing afterwards like she was so happy it wasn't herself that had been killed, yet knowing within herself that living like this was worse. I was sick. I had within me all the normal feelings one would have if you were being forced to kill your best friend.
As part of the ceremony my mother wiped her own blood on Maggie’s hair, then cut off a lock of it and used it as some sort of offering. The crowd watching started the 'witches chant', it's worse than listening to rabbits scream. It sends chills of horror worse than death up your spine. I knew when my mom turned and looked at me that she was possessed and had let the evil spirit enter her. I knew she was lost and if I didn't do everything exactly as I was commanded I would die and no one but me would even care...
Her eyes told me, "You will enjoy doing this as did your Forefathers of old. Many have died to bring you this joy." She put her right arm around my shoulders and walked over to where Maggie lay on the altar. "Take her," she said. I knew what that meant. I took off her clothes and spread her legs and licked her clean. I had done this many times. It was my job to clean off the women and prepare them for Him to Take. It was supposed to be an honor to do this but it made me sick....
I saw Him disrobe. He was Black and hard. They held her body down. He screamed in delight as he entered her and had orgasm. Maggie made no sound or movement. When he was finished I had to clean him off also. Many times he would come again in my mouth. It always hurt. When he got up I knew I had pleased him, as I was still alive. He said, "Now." Someone handed me the knife. I walked over to Maggie and tried to raise it above her
head. I pretended to be too weak to lift it. My mother nodded to a woman in the circle who showed compassion on my situation, for if I couldn't do it, I would die also. She came over and put her hand over mine. Together we raised the knife and let it fall on Maggie. I heard a voice in my heart say, "It is not my will that you should die. Be not afraid for I am with you."
The price the young woman paid for helping me was her death. Her name was Gloria and she now stands with Christ also.
I owe my life to two people forever, Maggie and Gloria. Thank you.
As usual His creatures came from out of the dark to torment her dead body. For some reason they were not allowed much.
Now I am home in my bedroom very sad, yet not remembering much of the night. Just enough to say a prayer to the only help I knew as an innocent child:
Oh, Mister Moon
Oh Mister Moon, I am sorry.
I had to kill Maggie.
Oh Mister Moon,
Take me home to you.
I know you are nice and
Won't make me do bad things.
Oh Mister Moon,
Will you please like me?
I hate my Mom and Dad, but love them.
The black man is bad.
He tastes bad.
Can you take me home so
I don't have to see him again?
Oh Mister Moon,
Where is Heaven?
Where is Maggie?
Can I ever play with her again?
Oh Mister Moon,
I don't want to grow up.
Can you keep me little
So I don't have to be Reborn?
Well Mister Moon,
It's late.
I guess tomorrow will
Be another day.
I will let you go,
Mister Moon.
Say good-bye,
Mister Moon.
I may never travel again
This way;
Mister Moon …
I may never know how 'real' these things are,
but I will always have to live with them.
It has been a few days since I wrote. I had many experiences on the Internet both good and bad and also a custody hearing to attend too. I believe it is time to write my entire book and finish it. I want to share with you the good things that have happened to me as I recalled my Maggie. I have never been able to really know that I loved another or that another loved me. I have never known I didn't know this. I never could play silly simple games with anyone; I was always very, very serious. I didn't gain my own sense
of humor until I was 36 years old in the hospital with my daughter having seizures and on dylantin not knowing if she would survive healthy, or die.
In thinking about Maggie since I last wrote, I found a moment where we were playing. It's peaceful. I knew she would tease me but still loved me no matter how I chose to react. Also in this brief moment I trusted her. I knew she would never betray me or harm me. I knew love! In having that memory, I realized what true love and trust should be. We learn it as a small child. Children don't ever intentionally hurt another. It's not a part of their hearts. They have to be taught to hate. When I was forced to participate in Maggie's death, I lost that forever until last week when through all my searching I saw how God had allowed me to keep the good and the bad in my memory. Now when I look at my fiancee I know I can eventually learn to love him that way and trust him that way. This is always what I dreamed of and I found it in the worst memory that I have.
Yesterday when I went home my daughter was dancing to a Disney song. She is wonderful, like a silly clown. I joined in with her for a moment. Not embarrassed or shy. It was wonderful. Thank you God for bringing me back myself in my memory of Maggie.
I feel to add a note here; from the first time to this second time I had to recall the memory of Maggie, the memory changed in that it had more details each time, and sometimes they would not be consistent. In learning about the mind and trauma I realized I will never know exactly what happened or who was involved, but I did recover some of the best parts of myself that were locked away. If you compare this to several adults or children sitting in a circle on the floor playing a memory game wherein the first person is told a sentence and by the time it gets to the last person only a small fragment of the original sentence is retained. This is how I look on my memories. All the other memories were written once. I couldn't find my notes on
Maggie. This is as honest as I can get. Thank you.
The Birth
Today is February 13, 2000. I was very depressed recently. No matter how hard I tried I didn't want to face the memories any more. But I guess I just have to do it like going to a job that I don't like. My daughter is making new friends and learning truth and it is wonderful to watch her.
The next memory I will deal with is about a young girl.
It's dark. I cannot see anyone clearly. I can hear her screams and the others wooing. I don't know what else to call it. They are waiting to see if the child is going to be a girl or a boy. The girls are to be instantly killed unless they are fair haired or preordained Brides of Satan. The mother is a young girl. Drugged. She is limp on the bed. As someone is holding her underneath her arms from behind a man comes walking in smiling.
I know him. He is not kind. He touches her swelled belly with his finger and says, "Girl. Death to life. We will try again." Then the screams turn blood curdling. A woman, her mother says, "No, I gave her to you but not the child. " A man comes from the darkness and slaps her hard across her face with the knowledge in his look that she will die if she speaks again. A knife is put inside the child's womb. There is no sound from the child. The blood fills the bed. They pull the body of the now dead baby onto the bed. It does not move. It had black hair like the mother. No one speaks. The face of the child's' mother is ashen white. They take the baby away I know not where. The child who gave birth is aroused with smelling salts. He comes to tell her something in her ear. There is no identifiable response from the girl. With a glove on his hand he puts his hand inside her womb and pulls out the placenta and holds it up for others to come claim. Even the placenta of an unwanted one is worth much to these creatures.
Many rush like vultures to a kill and scramble to claim it. One young one is on the floor kneeling and begging the Man, "May I try?" this child asks, seemingly to please him. He does not answer but walks away. The mother comes from afar screaming, "How could you have killed the child (baby), it was your own flesh and blood?" The man ignores her but points to another with a downward stroke of his hand. Soon a man dressed in foreign clothes comes and says to the mother of the child whose baby was taken, "Shall I take your life or hers for your disobedience?" She hesitates and in that moment the scabbard comes down on the drugged girl on the bed and she is no more.
I don't know if this is real or just a wonderfully evil imagination I have, but that's what I saw in my minds' eye as I wrote. It seemed that all that transpired was normal. Just the usual in this hellish scene.
I have nothing to say about it except that its out of my mind now and I was not responsible for anything that happened. I know those things happen.
His Children
I am not sure what to write about the tunnels. It is so dark and all I can see is blackness and red eyes darting here and there. I know its how we went from place to place when we were hiding. No one ever knew about the tunnels. We, or at least the grown ups who took us into them, they didn't even seem to know how to get there. I remember Him taking me there alone. He had a different look in his eye like he had a part of him that actually cared for me. He seemed sad almost that he couldn't change and stop loving me, which in his world was giving Him pain. Then the look changed in his eyes and the horror was there again. I thought he was going to call in the children, not human children but His children. Small strange blackish brown creatures not very tall. I think that they weren't allowed to leave the tunnels. He knew they would be discovered and taken from him. They couldn't talk, but you could hear them in your mind. It was very frightening. They seemed to be able to entrance you to where you would loose control of your own self and not know from where your thoughts were coming. I know they wanted me to willingly have sex with Him, but I
knew it was wrong. When He came to me I was not in the trance and He yelled at his children. You see He couldn't enter my mind unless I was unconscious and still, and that was what He wanted the most. I had seen a vision of a beautiful mans' face who smiled at me and when I was afraid I put this mans' picture in my mind and for some reason He couldn't get in. Angrily He left and the children taunted me. A lady came and led me out of the chamber in the tunnel saying, "He is obsessed with you. He will try again."
Today is Wednesday, February 16, 2000. I listened to two tapes of survivors last night and boy did that help me. All the feelings I have of trying to deny and destroy my memories are totally normal. The lady I listened to had similar things happen to her and she had the same exact same feelings as I do. So, now that I know again in a sense that I am normal I will march on through this abyss and when I am done go on vacation!
The Dance of the Bodies
He came in the room. She had already been raped and almost murdered, but her soul still clung into her body. She was a pretty woman with red hair. She had disobeyed him and refused to give to him her daughter for marriage. She was tortured and beaten and now he will try to take her soul. This dance is only done once a year on the New Solstice of the Forbidden Moon. It doesn't happen very often. He calls together his Anointed ones from afar to come and worship him. His
children are allowed to come, but they must be silent, even in their minds for His concentration is great. He believes that if he can take or partake of the soul as it leaves the body he can use it to change himself into the flesh. It is His one longing, His one desire; His love for eternity to feel the flesh his father denied him of. He never knew what emptiness power was to have until He found He could not inhabit a body.
He had loved her. He had wanted her to obey. But without complete obedience in his world, death will be the blessing given no matter how it comes.
They brought in a man, awake, somewhat conscious. It was her husband. He was the one who had covenanted with Him. Oh, how sad he is now. He saw his wife. "Corrine, Corrine!" He could say no more. He went to him and said, "I am sorry. She wouldn't give the child. So I will take you both; and then the child." He came at him and knocked him
unconscious. He called to one of his witch wives and commanded her to inhabit the man. He believed that same sex transference was impossible. You could see the intenseness in his eyes. The witch woman put herself into a trance and did some kind of symbol work with items I can't see over the mans body. Then she passed out and fell to the floor. He closed his eyes and in a flash was in the woman's body. He sat her up. He grinned. He laughed. "Success!" he roared. His witch wife, now his partner,
slowly stood up and came to him. She, remember she is in the husbands body and He in the woman's, took off her clothes and laid herself on Corrine. The arousal came. The union was made and He was satisfied. Then a Voice came from the Clouds; "Thou shalt not have them, for they are mine. I command you, Leave! Depart, and let their bodies rest in peace!" He was stunned and shoved off his witch wife in the mans body. "You have no rights here." "You are your own god in your own world. Leave me to mine." The Voice became a spirit in the form of a mans body, "Thou shalt not desecrate
the
The Tunnels
All I remember are many, many dark and long tunnels. They took me by the hand. They walked and walked and walked. There was an occasional torch up above my head on the left. They didn't talk. They didn't whisper. They were almost not there. They seemed almost scared, but it was different. I saw a glow up ahead. Then I saw him. He was arrayed in golden robes, flowing - glowing, as if they were illuminated with their own
light. But it wasn't a white light. It was almost red.
They sat me down. I was not close to him but not far away. He had a red jewel that was around his neck. It appeared to be beautiful, yet I didn't like it. They said their prayer to Allah, but that wasn't the real name. It was a name I chose not to remember. It brought bad things when you said it. I saw my mother. She was dressed in black. I think he came over to me and the jewel hanging from his neck touched me. I think I
saw an eye in it looking at me. It scared me. I thought I heard the words, "I Love You", but it felt like, "I am going to eat you". The feelings were intense. I started to shake. He stood up and turned. He said to my mother and also me somehow, "You have earned the right to be my Bride, forever, in my Kingdom as my Queen. One of the Lowliest of Low, and the Highest of the High. Make the sacred covenant with me, and you will be eternally mine to reign in my kingdoms on the Earth."
I know she said something but I can't hear it. She turned slowly and disrobed in front of Him. The lights that were flashing were red and blue and green. I saw blackness like a fog in the shape of a serpent enter her through her nostrils. Her eyes became red. She started bleeding from her lips and mouth. She turned to him and a deep dark awful voice came out of her. She uttered some strange words and then fell to the ground. I knew that she wouldn't be my mother
anymore. It was like watching her die. Many women took off their clothes and started dancing around her. They chanted and called for her return to her body. I saw her move. She started to arise. He brought her a golden robe not dissimilar to his own. He took her away.
I didn't see her again until we got home in the morning. She seemed not to know anything had happened. I asked her where Dad was. She smiled and said he had gone to work. The phone rang. It was him. She told me she had to go on an errand. We got in the car. We went to a hotel. We always went to hotels. I waited in the car. She came back and asked me if I would like to come in. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to go with her but she was my mother and I loved her. We went inside and up the stairs. We went down a long hallway to the end corridor. We turned left and a door was open. Music was coming from the inside. There were many people. I recognized the fat lady with blonde curly hair. She had an awful laugh. Mom said that these were her bridge friends but I knew better. They put me on top of the table. They closed the outside door. I saw red in their eyes. I thought that they were going to eat me. I wanted to go home. He came in the room but he wasn't dressed fancy anymore. He was black. He was beautiful in a way. He picked me up and told me I was going to play fancy. Now I think I am three years old. He put his large dark hand through my hair. He put his hand under my chin. He said, "I am going to make love to your mother and you are going to watch. Then we are going to make love to you. He
put his hand up under her dress and started to touch her. I could feel her feelings. She really liked it. She took her dress off. She didn't seem to care that many were watching. He put his mouth down between her legs and started sucking and kissing her there. Her moaning was intense. I saw her take a drag off of a cigarette. Maybe it was marijuana. As she began to reach a climax He jabbed her with his hand and she screamed. Then it was a moan. Then a scream.
He looked at me and said she was ready. He laid her down on top of the table and mounted her. With each thrust she screamed and moaned. When he was done he stopped. There was blood coming out of my mother. He touched it and tasted it and said, "You are pregnant by him." "Be careful not to loose the child." "It will be a great blessing to you and your children." I wanted to go home. I did not enjoy what I saw.
Then a lady came to me and said it was my turn. I screamed at her, "NO! NO! NO!" I kicked her, I fought her; I tried everything. She held me down. He came. He looked at me with his red eyes. He told me that my Father had prepared me and I knew what to do. I started to tremble. I didn't want to bleed. I didn't want to pass out. I didn't want to be sore.
I calmed myself down and said, "I don't feel good. Can we do this tomorrow, please." He picked me up and said, "Sure, Sugar". Then he threw me across the room and I landed on the floor. I was dizzy. I saw black. I couldn't think or feel. I saw a speck of light. I was in the same room. I heard him say, "Put her in the closet until she begs to come out." They picked me up and threw me
in a closet. There were some dirty shoes on the floor. I made them into a pillow and went to sleep. When I woke up I was at home in bed.
Dirty Shoes . . .
Dirty Shoes; for a pillow.
Dirty shoes; for a night bed.
No place for my head.
All they thought, was that I was dead.
Dirty shoes; all mine.
Too remember,
For all time.
Do they want me to die?
Don't they care when I cry?
Dirty Shoes,
I will always remember.
Dirty Shoes.
Mine Forever…
This file holds my new memories previously not typed. I don't know how to include them now so I will just enter them in and place them later. Maybe I will just let you, the reader, try to figure out the puzzle they represent. You might better understand them yourself, as your perspective is much further away than mine.
New Memory
Date 4/4/2000 time 6:30 P.M. Tuesday
I knew a memory was coming so I let it. It is another baby memory. I will type it exactly as I wrote it today.
Moms on alter...woman blonde hair... Naked baby; alter; crying... baby white dress altar...baby dress bathed (by) mother (in) blood....
"Your mother's blood will cover you from death when you die in the Christian world and go to the
Laughter. Alcohol, whiskey, smell it. Someone spills some alcohol on me in crib. Woman, "You bastard! How dare you spill that filth on my child? She was baptized tonight. She is His now. I don't have to take care of her. She will never die". Man's finger tickling my foot. "You are a sweet child. Take care not to forget me." Black man grins. Music: "He Will Always Be Near".
"Mary"
It is Thursday and I am pissed. My boyfriend and my baby-sitter want me to go into their world. My world is not like theirs. They care but they cannot see. In the last two days I have seen and felt death and death and murder and no one caring about it. No one cares. They always want me to care and they don't. I see body parts of a small girl or a baby glistening on the snow. My mother walks by and says, "They didn't do a very good job of cleaning it up did they". We get in the car and leave. She had been murdered the
night before. Now I see Her picking up the pieces with a cloth and saying, "We can feed her to the dogs. They will like her." She looks at me and says; "Now you know what will happen to us if we don't do what they say". The evil in her eyes is enough to want to die right then. I am so cold. She puts it in the trunk of the car and says, "No one will find it in the hills." I see in my minds' eye us going up the road where we lived in
I was afraid they would all die. I never knew when someone I loved would die.
The Colonel
I saw a line of cells. I knew they had taken George. He was an old man. He cried to me; to anyone for help. I couldn't help Him. This is the place my mom went to meet the Colonel. He was always happy to see Her. "How is it going?" he would ask her. She would always say fine. "How is your family?" Doing well she would say. "Here is your next assignment. Its in the hills and will take you awhile. Take a camera and take pictures. You had better go alone. Tell me what you find. I will be waiting to here from you". He shook her hand and as he sat behind his desk he winked at me. I knew what his smile meant. We went to a hotel later and he was there. I guess that was the mountains he meant. He never said what he meant. My mom took off her clothes and he licked her. Then he mounted her. She seemed to like it. He was different sometimes. When others were around he put on a show of being mean. He was strange. After he was done they would smoke in bed together. Then there was a knock on the door. A lady came in and said we had to go. They dressed and we went together to get ice cream. Then a movie. Are they dating? He liked to put his hand between my legs and tickle me. I didn't like it. Sometimes he would pinch me there and tell me I liked it. She said, "That can
wait till later". We have to go. He took us home and she kissed him goodbye.
Confused
We lived in lots of places until we met Don. He was nice. He didn't touch me. He begged my mom to marry him. She was scared. She didn't know what to do. He never touched me. I prayed to the Man in the Moon that he would stay. One day they went to a special place and had friends there and when they came home he came with her. She was happy. I love my mom. I don't want her to have to do awful things anymore. One day this man came to our home. He was very angry. He yelled at the man who was living with us and told him to leave. The cops came and my mom said she had divorced this man and he should leave. They made him leave. The black man came too but in a different car. He said he would take care of it. My real dad, the one who had to leave, knew he better or he would be killed. I never saw him again. The black man came only a few more times when Don was gone and then one day
he said, "You are so good. I will miss you. If you need me I will always be there." She cried. "Call me at home if you need to. Soon I will be restationed elsewhere and it will be hard to find me. You can always call me if you need help". She was sad to see him go but she knew it was over.