Being in this moment
Now Playing: Coldplay - Everything's Not Lost
Blog, I'm having a grand day at the moment :o) I've been painting again. I'm quite happy with what I've done . Yes, I have a couple canvases that need redoing, but I've turned out 5 I am content with.
I saw a painting online that was the same size as mine. It was simply a block of green color off center. It was called In the Forest. The man asked $500 for that piece. I was stunned. I saw another abstract for $3000, yes thousand. Stunned again. I'm thinking of a modest $50 - $75 for mine. I have yet to decide whether or not to try to frame them. It seems it would make shipping easier and safer if it was framed.

In this very moment I am so happy and whole, and content. It feels amazing. The house is quiet except for Coldplay, the husband is out for the weekend, one boy is still in school for a while longer and the other is out. There is such a peace around me, and in me.

I've been talking to my spirit guide, who I call Tracey (my apologies if its not his or her name). I credit my guide with the idea and style of the paintings I am doing. I asked that my guide help me with the whole idea.. and a vision was put in my mind. I followed that vision, and I have never had more fun or been more happy painting! Thank you Tracey :o)

Well.. I'll get back at it. See ya later blog.

Thursday's here, why name the days when they are all the same?
Now Playing: Unwell by Matchbox 20
Well yesterday's rant sure did me good to unload. I get that way when I run out of energy to keep a smiley face on as if everything's fine. I really do try to be the best person I can be. Often I don't return emails on time, and I get in moods when I just don't want to talk or be there for anyone.
Don't feel it selfish, just human.

That song "Unwell" is my current theme song. I could have written it lol. Matchbox seems to sing my life in their songs.

I started a painting the other day, aiming to finish it up.. but then it became scratched up when something on the shelf brushed against it. Now I have to start over to get the scratches out of it *sigh*.

I can't start and finish a painting without having to move it round a half dozen times.. I need a place I can leave it be till its done.

I believe that every single one of us is born with a God-given gift inside of us. This may be something like patience and people skills. It may be music or art or sports or humor.. that one thing everyone you ever meet tells you that you should do or be.
We tend never to listen, to strive to be what we think we should, and usually struggle or fail miserably. Its that gift in us that we are meant to use or be in this life.
When we welcome it and nurture it, then things will start working out. I truly believe this now, because nothing else in my life has worked, no other path I have chosen. My gift is creativity. I know now I need to use art to move forward in life and use it to somehow help others, or to get myself in the position to do so.

I don't know yet if it is me sabotaging my own success, or if it realy is circumstance and those around me. It just seems everytime I make a small step forward something sets me back. Usually money. You have to have money to borrow it, and you have to have money to make it.
Well, I'm actually pretty busy elsewhere today, and Lord knows I have chores to do.

I'll talk soon blog :)

Tears in the dishwater..
Now Playing: Third Eye Blind - How's It Gonna Be
I had to break away today.. just to come here and pour this shit out of my mind before it eats me alive. I'm so frustrated. I'm angry. I'm hurting inside. I'm so lonely.

You see, my days are spent in this house. Lately it seems so small to me. These rooms that hold me feel like matchboxes, like a few storage buildings linked up with doorways. I looked around the house today at all the stuff. It's nice stuff mostly, but as I searched over it with my eyes, something was missing. Something's always missing in me. It was memories.. laughter and accomplishment. There was none. This stuff is just stuff. Have a little extra money on a good week and buy a trinket that makes someone here happy for a moment, then the moment's gone.

My days drag on, I'm here to clean and wash dishes and make coffee and feed animals and wash clothes and taxi people around. My God what kind of life is this? What is there for ME? What do these people give ME? What do they do for ME?

I'm pissed off at myself mainly. I accept this and keep dealing with it day after fucking day instead of walking away from it.. I just want it to get better, I hang on thinking, hoping, praying it will.

I'm happily married, you'd think. I try to convince myself every single day. My husband would say we are, I think he really believes it, or he's in some sort of welcome denial. When I wake up at night beside him, and I feel alone, something's wrong. I avoid going to bed when he does because it reminds me what a failure our personal relationship is. I didn't marry this man to only be his friend, or only be his roommate. More and more, that's all I feel I am.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me in my life. He works everyday and he's home every night. He's a "provider". God how he lives to be just that. It's his way to say "I love you", but it leaves me feeling unloved. There is absolutely no intimacy between us. There's no conversation about anything but his day, the bills, the kids. The only laughter comes when either of us is acting silly out of lack of anything else to do or say. I can't touch him unless its to rub his back. He hasn't kissed me since 1997, not a real kiss. Not a kiss lovers share. A split second peck is what he gives. There is no sex. "Sex isn't love!" he screams at me. "Yea no shit sherlock, but it's a damn fine EXPRESSION of that LOVE WE ARE SUPPOSE TO HAVE FOR EACH OTHER!" .. is what I wish I would scream back.

I'm angry as hell at him, and resentful that he changed on me the way he has. When I met him and married him he was full of romance and passion. He was attentive to my needs and we were both complete. Now we both live our lives for the benefit of his, and his alone. There is no us anymore. What does he give of himself to me? How does he connect to me on a personal intimate level? He doesn't. I starve to be needed and wanted and desired. I starve to be made to feel like a woman. I starve for opinionated debates and conversations. I need emotional fuel, I need to feel like I belong and I'm wanted here, not just like a utilty in this house.

I'm mad as hell at myself that I stay here in this place. What is inside me that traps me? The fear of failure I think. What if I walked and there was still nothing working in my life? What if I walked and never found the emotional and physical food I so desperately need?

Then there's the kids. This is the most stable life they've ever had. Why do I care if I uproot that? They live their lives disrespecting me, not knowing I exist until they need something. God help me, they are almost grown.. please please let them hurry and get self sufficient so I can fly.

These people I live with fight on my birthdays and on mother's days.. or they have other places to be.. nevermind me. Do they volunteer to do anything to give me a little relief, or to step outside themselves to be something or do something special just for me? Not hardly. If they get something out of it themselves they might muster the effort.

Then there's me. I know for a fact I'm not the happy go lucky adventurous person I was. How can I be? I feel so stuck and useless.

I need a job so there will be more money and a chance to do things.
But, I'm scared to get a job.
Why?
My husband doesn't want me to work, it's a slap at his "provider ego".
If I do.. am I going to lose him completely from the distance and the breaking of his idea of how it's suppose to be?

I'm afraid to fail. What if I get a job, mess up my dependable funds, only to fail and end up jobless and fundless?

How pathetic is that?

I keep thinking if I had the money to do the things I need to do to establish myself in my own life.. I'd be happier and more content. I'd have a life.

I've been trying to lose weight over and over. For myself mostly.. and to think things might change with the husband. But then, I get scared. I get scared of becoming fit and attractive and confident.
Why?
Because I might leave my husband, who is the safest human I have ever met.
I don't trust myself not to, because of all of the things our relationship is lacking on a personal level.

I mean hell, if you keep a dog tied to a tree and only pet it when its convenient to you.. just enough to keep it from barking.. it's going to be starved for someone who would play with it and give it all the attention it craves.
When that person comes along, the dog is going to be gone. Don't blame the dog.. did you ever give it a reason to decide to stay??

What reason does my husband give me to decide to stay? He doesn't give me a reason, he doesn't step outside himself to be anything for me because he knows I'm not leaving. He knows I can't. It's like one big fucking head game or control trip. He's just subtle about it unlike others were. How many times have I wanted to go to school on our tax refund, or do something that would better myself and empower myself, only to hear 'we need it for this, maybe next time."?

I'm very smart and very creative and resourceful.. he knows I am. Why doesn't he do everything in his power to raise me up and let me shine? His words say go for it, his actions stop short of any encouragement. I feel like a tiffany lamp that he'd rather keep in the closet than share with the world. Maybe he just can't share that spotlight that he is in.

Bottom line. I married him to be my partner, boyfriend, lover, companion. I didn't marry him to give away my life for his. I didn't marry him to be a maid and accountant. I want more. I NEED more.. and what I'm crying out for are the basic needs every human has, the stuff money can't buy.