The next three days passed slowly. Josh felt as if he were merely passing the time until his flight back to LA. Sabrina was great to be with, but she was also a little distant at times. He really didn’t worry about it too much; he figured she was preoccupied with CJ. She wouldn’t stop worrying about him until he was back home.
Josh still hadn’t mentioned his feelings to Sabrina; he wanted to desperately, but the time was never right. The sunlight shone warm on his face through the window. Josh threw off the covers and showered, dressed and went downstairs. Sabrina was dressed in her jogging clothes, putting her hair into a ponytail. “Morning Bri.” She smiled. “Morning.” She went out the door and started running.
An hour later, Josh and Sabrina drove to the hospital. Josh made a few failed attempts at conversation. He played with the radio dial and stopped when he heard Linkin Park. This is my December. This is my snow-covered home. This is my December. This is me alone. And I’d give it all away, just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away to have someone to come home to. He looked at Sabrina’s face and the sadness in her eyes. She looked at him. “What?” “You can talk to me, Bri. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” “I’m fine.” Josh opened his mouth to argue. “Josh, please. I’m fine.” Josh silently turned up the volume on her radio. He was feeling particularly frustrated. ‘Why are you pushing me away?’ He wondered. ‘Why can’t you see how much I love you?’ This is my December. These are my snow-covered dreams. This is me pretending this is all I need.
Sabrina’s face was expressionless until she saw CJ. Josh, in that moment, was envious of CJ. He would’ve given anything for the power to make her eyes light up like that. CJ and Sabrina visited for a while when CJ asked to be alone with Josh. Sabrina looked surprised, but left, promising to bring CJ something other than hospital food.
Josh and CJ talked for a while, but Josh was preoccupied with Sabrina. “What’s wrong? What’s going on with you and Bri?” “It’s nothing.” CJ gave him a challenging look. “I need to talk to her about something, but it’s hard to find the right time. She hasn’t said anything besides ‘yes’ and ‘no’ all week.” “Does it feel like she’s pushing you away?” “God, yes. That’s an understatement.” CJ smiled. “Josh, when has Bri ever pushed you away?” “When we first fell in love.” “More precisely, when she was afraid of loving you.”
Sabrina came in just then and presented CJ with a burger, fries and a strawberry shake from the Mc Donald’s across the street. They continued to visit for another hour or so, but Sabrina seemed on edge, agitated. Josh wondered if she’d overheard their conversation earlier. As they left the hospital, the light in Sabrina’s eyes died. She was quiet on the way home and Josh didn’t push it. He’d decided to talk to her as soon as they got home, and was thinking about what he would say.
When they got out of the car, Josh tried to take Sabrina’s hand, but she pulled away. He held her by her shoulders. “Dammit, Josh…” He held her face gently. “Please don’t run way from me. I love you so much.” Their kiss was long and passionate. Sabrina pulled him closer to her. His touch was familiar and comforting. She wanted to lose herself in his arms, but she was also terrified.
When they pulled away, Sabrina took a few steps back when Josh tried to hold her. “Baby, what’s wrong?” “Josh, I can’t do this. There’s just too much going on inside me.” The emotional strain of the last two months finally came pouring out of her. She slumped onto the porch and put her head in her hands. Josh knelt before her. “Bri…Bri, look at me.” Sabrina slowly looked up at him with tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry, I’m just so overwhelmed…I just can’t…” “Shh. I’m sorry, I know you’ve been through a lot. I don’t want to put any pressure on you, I just love you.”
Josh gently took hands and stood her up. “I have an idea. How about I draw you a hot bath? You’ve put so much energy into everyone else, let me take care of you.” They went into the house and up the stairs. Josh went into Sabrina’s bathroom and turned the water on. He was careful to keep his back turned as he heard Sabrina undress. When the water was just right, he put lavender scented bubbles into the water and turned on the radio. He lit a few candles and placed them around the tub. He lifted his head when Sabrina cleared her throat. She wore a fluffy purple robe and matching slippers. Josh smiled and started for the door. “Josh, wait. Stay.” “OK.” He kept his back to her as she climbed into the tub.
A song by Common came on the radio. Josh turned up the volume, grabbed a washcloth and started scrubbing Sabrina’s back. She smiled as Josh rapped along with the radio.
“I wanna build a tribe with you, protect and provide for you. Truth is, I can’t hide from you. The pimp in me may have to die with you. Josh stopped as Mary J Blige came in with her soulful chorus. Come close to me baby, let your love hold you. Though this world gets crazy, what’s it without you? Josh kissed Sabrina’s shoulder and started the next verse. You helped me to discover me. I just want you to put trust in me. I kinda laugh when you cuss at me; the aftermath is you touching me. It’s destiny that we connected, girl. You and I, we can affect the world. I’m tired of the fast lane. I want you to have my last name.”
Josh almost dropped the cloth into the water. ‘I want you to have my last name.’ He knew he was getting ahead of himself, but he realized then how much he wanted things to work out between him and Sabrina. He could easily see himself married to her. This was the most physically intimate they’d ever been and everything about it felt right, but he didn’t want to get caught up in the moment. “I’ll leave you alone now. We’ll talk later, OK?” Josh kissed her head and went for the door. It was time to give her some privacy. “Josh.” He turned and looked directly into her eyes. “I do love you, you know.” He smiled. “I know.”
Sabrina let herself have a nice, long soak while she thought things over. An hour later, she got dressed and found Josh outside, sitting in the gazebo. He smiled as she approached and could feel herself glowing from the inside out. She could see Josh’s love for her in his eyes. “You look better.” “Thanks to you.” They kissed, long and deep. “I…love you…so much.” She said between kisses. Josh pulled away and smiled. “Why were you so afraid of it?” he asked. “Because this time, it’s more intense, more profound. This is so much more than before. I’m not making any sense.” “Yeah you are, but there’s something else. Tell me.” Sabrina took a deep breath. This was the part she’d been dreading. Still, he had to know the truth. “Tell me, baby.” “Well, I think we need to make a bigger commitment to each other. If we’re going to try this again, we both need to step up and really make each other a bigger priority than before. I don’t want to get back together just to break up again, you know?” “Yeah.” “Josh, I want us to really try for something…permanent.” She stopped, hoping Josh would get her meaning without her having to say it out loud. This was a major decision for both of them.
As she looked at Josh’s face, she expected to see surprise or panic. Instead, she saw love, happiness, and even relief. Josh scooped her up onto his lap so her legs hung together on one side. “I’ve been thinking the same thing.” “Really?” “I lost you once and it was hell. I want forever with you, Bri.” Suddenly, Josh’s phone rang. By the ring tone, he knew it was either Brian or David. He reached for his pocket, took out the phone and looked at Sabrina. Josh meant to start this right, so he had to let Sabrina know she was first in his heart. He turned his phone off and put it back into his pocket. “It could’ve been important.” “Not more important than this.” He held her face and kissed her.
