SCUM OF THE EARTH!! COME ON!!

[Rob Zombie's harsh vocals invade the silence. Random images of the EWF's superstars flash the screen.]

HEY I'M BREATHIN

[The Ragin Hellbillies are shown poking a pig with a pitchfork.]

HEY I'M BLEEDIN

[Mikey Wallace and Slick Willy are shown throwing a brick through a window and running.]

HEY I'M SCREAMIN

[Jebus The Prophet covering Jack Bandit]

SCUM OF THE EARTH!! COME ON!!

[The Armageddon Now! logo fades into the screen and flashes out to a roaring crowd of fans holding signs.]

[Cut to Announcer's Table]

Jordan: Welcome one and all! Are you ready for a show? Are you ready for the best damned PPV we've had yet?! ARE YOU READY FOR ARMAGEDDON?!

Pete: YOU'RE DAMNED RIGHT WE'RE READY!

Jordan: Welcome to the Pepsi Arena in Denver Colorado! It's time for Armageddon Now!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: We've got a hell of a line up tonight! With EVERY title on the roster up for grabs! Not to mention, tonight's special main event featuring a mystery man!

Pete: Mystery? HA! Everyone knows is gonna be Scorpion...

Jordan: That remains to be seen my women chasing perverted friend.

Pete: Yeah, when he shows up I'm gonna Soooooooooooo tell ya I told ya so.

Jordan: Whatever... Anyway, we're about ready to start our first bout!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Suddenly the lights dim down and the crowd hushes as green strobe lights start going off everywhere.]

Pete: What the fong?

Jordan: Did you just say "What the fong"?

Pete: Uh...

HOWL LIKE THE DEVIL, YEAH!

[Ratfinks, Suicide Tanks, and Cannibal Girls by White Zombie blares on the speakers and green pyros go off all over the place as the crowd erupts. Out comes the EWF's one and only Commissioner D. Leprechaun, hoisting his sledgehammer, Ycul, over his shoulder and grinning like a mad man. He has a mic in his other hand, which he sticks up to his face as the music dies.]

Commish: HELLOOOOOOOOOOO DENVER! ARE YE BOLLICKS HAVING A GOOD TIME?!

Crowd: YEAH!

Commish: Fan-Smegging-Tastic! Exactly what me ears needed ta hear! Have I got some surprised for you! (He grinned) Well... Only one at the moment, but it's a doozy!

Jordan: What in the devil's name is our Commissioner ranting about now?

Pete: Damned if I know Jordy.

Commish: Since our opening bout isn't exactly what ye came ta see, I'm gonna make it just a teensy, weensy little bit more interesting. Ye wankers want to know what's so special about it?

Crowd: YEAH!

[The Commish grins again and chuckles.]

Commish: Great! Ye see, I've decided that we'll just make this hear match a.... Career ending match! That's right! The loser is FIRED!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: MY GOD!

Commish: Now, I know what yer thinkin... Why oh why, would I make this a career ending match? I'll tell you why! Because I want some honest to God competition, and when we don't get it... well yer old Commish gets just a wee bit cranky. Soooooooooo.... I'm keeping the fighter and dumping the loser!

[The crowd cheers and the Commish waves them down.]

Commish: Now enjoy the bloody show!

[He tosses the mic over his head and heads back behind the curtain as the crowd erupts again. Pete and Jordan looked at each other and shrug.]

Jordan: The stakes for this opening match have just gotten a lot higher!

Pete: I'll say Jordo!

Jordan: Don't call me that.

Pete: Heh.

Jordan: Let's get this show on the road!

[Suddenly, as if on cue, Falling Away from Me by Korn kicks up to a surprising reaction from the crowd and Shadow DM comes out from behind the curtain. Sneering at the crowd, he slowly makes his way to the ring and hops up onto the apron. Once inside the ring, he cracks his neck and then his knuckles as he waits for his opponent to arrive.]

Jordan: Well Shadow DM sure does seem focused on this fight.

Pete: Can ya blame him? He loses, he gets the boot!

Jordan: For once, I'll have to agree with you on that one Pete.

[Pete grins as Shadow DM's music fades. However no music replaces it.]

Pete: Um... where the hell is Haze?

Jordan: I don't know! You'd think if this match was made into a career ending match, he'd be the first one out!

Pete: Hmm.... AH HA! THERE HE IS! ATTACKING DM FROM BEHIND!

Jordan: Well I'll be... Great game plan for Haze! I guess the match is on!

Career Ending Match

Shadow DM vs. Haze

[Haze hits DM over the head with a double axe-handle, then bulldogs him into the mat! He then gets up and poses for the crowd.]

Jordan: Haze off to a good start here. If he can keep this pace up, he has a good chance of winning.

Pete: Don't speak to soon Jordan... While Haze is being stupid and posing, Dm is getting up! And boy does HE look pissed!

[Shadow DM gets to his feet and walks over to the posing Haze, then taps him on the shoulder. Haze turns around... DDT TO HAZE! Dm gets to his feet in a flash and picks up Haze then rams him into the ring post and gives him a power slam!]

Jordan & Pete: Ouch.

[DM is done yet, as he picks up Haze by the hair and clotheslines him back down the mat HARD. The ref wags his finger at DM for pulling Haze's hair and steps back as DM glares at him.]

Jordan: Shadow DM is out for blood now... This does not look good for Haze.

Pete: Hee hee.... Get 'im Shadow!

[DM signals that the fight is almost over and picks the dazed Haze back up... Then tears into him with a flurry of hard punches! Haze is reeling... Shadow DM bends him down as if he's going for a power bomb...]

Jordan: It looks like DM is going for the...

Pete: DISTURBER! LOOK AT HAZE'S HEAD BOUNCE!

Jordan: DM is going for the pin! 1! 2! 3! SHADOW DM WINS AND HAZE IS OUT OF THE COMPANY!

Pete: Good God does Haze suck. Get out of here you loser!

Winner: Shadow DM

Jordan: Well that was a short match.

Pete: Booo! HIT HIM SOME MORE! Freaking loser...

Jordan: *Ahem* Let's go back and check with our interviewer, Kris "The Wolf" Cassidy! He's apparently talking to Mikey Wallace about his upcoming match!

Pete: Kris "The Wolf" Cassidy? Who the hell?

Jordan: The Commish hired him. Let's cut to Kris in the locker room!

[The scene switches to a scruffy man with a leather bowl hat and wearing a leather jacket holding a mic up to his face. He's grinning like an idiot and we can notice that he has taped up knuckles.]

Kris "The Wolf" Cassidy: Tha'ky'Ordy! I'hea'ithMike'Allace!

[He turns and we see a very confused Mikey Wallace blinking at our interviewer.]

Kris: Wha'ter'ya'otson'erext'atch?

Mikey: Kris...you do realize I don't understand a word you said, correct?

Stanley: I think he said 'What are your thought son erectile itch?'

Mikey: Well...[shrugs]...in that case, I say it's a very hard thing that's going to be handled properly, or else you're doomed. If you don't handle it with swiftness and ability, then it will ultimately catch up to you and pin you 'down', if you know what I mean.

[Mikey winks...and winks again...his eye's twitching, I think.]

Kris: I'ee... S'ya'otanam'lan?

Mikey [blank stare]: I DO like cookies, yes Kris

[Cheesy grin.]

Stanley: V'ot de fuck is dis guy s'ying?

[Uncomfortable pause.]

Kris: (Blinks) Uh..'ea'kay...D'ya'ikepu'gainst'aig'ooker'ikeAne?

Mikey: Ohhh, Bane...who the fuck is that?

Stanley: Your opponent, oh intelligent one.

Mikey: The one who likes Sesame Street?

Stanley [nodding enthusiastically]: That's the one.

Mikey: Oh, that child trapped in a fat man's body...well, Kris, since he's the king of not saying a fucking word, I guess I'll return the favor and keep this one short and sweet...let's just say I'm about to go 'Oscar the Grouch' on his retarded ass.

Kris: Th'ser'omearsh'erds'Ikey.

Stanley: Mashed potatoes? Where?

[Stanley tries to roll away quickly but runs his wheelchair into the adjacent wall. Mikey flinches before immediately turning his attention back to Kris.]

Mikey: Kris...just like an immediate victory will be in my future, I forsee speech classes in YOUR future. [pats him on the back]

Kris: (Grinning at Mikey) Anks'erda'inderd! (Then he looks back at the camera) 'Ack'tya'Ordy!

[The scene cuts back to Jordan and Pete who are both blinking.]

Pete: ...What in the HELL did that guy say?

Jordan: ...I have no idea.

Pete: (Shaking his head) Well I reassert my opinion that our Commish is a freaking whack job. Only a nutball would hire THAT guy as an interviewer.

Jordan: ....I can't argue with that. (Shakes his head) Anyway... It looks like they've set up the ring for our next match!

Pete: (Grinning) Oooooh.... Lookit the pretty cage and all the nifty, nifty weapons... hee.

[Suddenly Bring Her Down by Rob Zombie kicks up and Asmodeus comes out from behind the curtain to a ton of pyros. He's wearing a referee outfit and smiles slightly as he makes his way to the caged ring.]

Jordan: And here comes our guest referee, Asmodeus!

Pete: Can't have Caged Fear with out a Shadow Assassin!

[As Asmodues enters the ring, the lights dim down and the crowd hushes once more as the errie sounds of Yasunori Mistuda's "The One Who is Torn Apart" fills the arena. Through smoke, the Oni exits the curtain, holding his Sakuba sword at his side. Slowly he makes his way down to the caged ring, without a glance at the crowd. Those who normally reach out to touch the wrestlers as they come down the aisle keep their hands to themselves as he passes. He enters the caged ring silently and takes a place in the farthest corner from the door, ignoring Asmodeus completely. Then he turns and watches intently as his music fades away.]

Jordan: ...The Oni is definitely one of the more disturbing competitors in this federation.

Pete: You said it Jordy! Ferrigan has got no chance against this guy... I mean Ferrigan is cool and all, but Oni finally gets to use that blunted pig sticker of his and well... You've seen what he can do with that thing.

Jordan: Yep. Once again, I'll have to agree with you Pete. Ferrigan is out of his element in this match.

[The British National Anthem starts to play over the speakers, and William Ferrigan walks out, waving to the crowd with a sneer on his face. The crowd boos in response as Ferrigan makes his way down the ramp and to the weapon laden ring. Once inside, he picks up a chair and stares back at Oni as Asmodeus gets between them for a moment.]

Jordan: Ferrigan looks ready to go!

Pete: Them feisty British.

Jordan: Asmodeus is calling for the bell... Caged Fear III is on!

Caged Fear III

Guest Referee: Asmodeus

Kagato "The Oni" Toriami vs. William Ferrigan

[Ferrigan charges Oni with the chair... ONI HITS HIM IN THE ABDOMEN WITH THE SAKUBA! Ferrigan goes down hard!]

Jordan: My God! I didn't even see Oni move!

Pete: I told you!

[Oni assumes a stances with the Sakuba as Ferrigan gets to his feet... Oni moves into strike and Ferrigan just barely blocks it with the chair!]

WHACK!

Jordan: Apparently all of that sword work of Oni's wasn't just for show... he really DOES know how to use that thing!

[Ferrigan head butts Oni and then smacks him upside the head with the chair! Oni's Sakuba goes flying...]

Pete: Woooo! And the sneaky British guy starts pulling out the dirty tricks!

Jordan: A smart move on Ferrigan's part... Keep that sword away from Oni.

[Ferrigan tosses aside the chair and picks up Oni... Oni counters with a leg sweep! Ferrigan goes down as Oni rolls over and grabs his Sakuba, flipping to his feet in the process! He spins and assumes another stance then rushes Ferrigan as he gets up.]

Jordan: Look at that speed! This Oni is something else...

WHACK!

Pete: OW! Right on Ferrigan's head! Poor Brit... That has got to hurt.

[Ferrigan clutches his head and slumps into the side of the cage... Pulling his hand away, we can see that Ferrigan has already been busted wide open. Oni lunges for another strike with the Sakuba, and Ferrigan ducks out of the way as Oni hits the cage HARD. Ferrigan kicks up a wayward Kendo Stick, and spins, catching Oni right in the back! Oni staggers and gets another couple of hits from Ferrigan, before falling out through the cage door!]

Jordan: And Ferrigan has turned it around again! He's already got Oni out of the cage!

Pete: Oni's out, but he ain't out. The psychotic little Jap is getting up!

[Oni starts getting to his feet as Ferrigan leaps THROUGH the cage door and catches him with a flying body press! Both men go down and Asmodeus starts heading out of the cage to follow our competitors.]

Jordan: And Ferrigan is staying on the attack! He's picking up Oni now.... Oooooooooo! He just slammed Oni's head against that steel cage!

Pete: And he's doing it again! WOOOOOOOO! BRING ON THE BLOOD!

[Ferrigan continually slams Oni's head into the cage, then starts to grind his face against it. Oni growls and slams the hilt of the Sakuba into Ferrigan's gut, making the British devil let him go. Oni turns and we can plainly see two things. One, he's busted open. Two, he's incredibly pissed off. Oni then goes on the attack and beats Ferrigan mercilessly with the Sakuba, and forcing him up the ramp. Asmodeus is in hot pursuit, keeping his eyes on the action.]

Jordan: It looks like all the blood did was make Oni lose control! My God, he's not letting up!

Pete: Well Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. Remind me never to piss of a Jap Jordy.

Jordan: Stop calling me that. ...Ferrigan just ducked away from another blow... HE JUST SPEARED ONI! BOTH MEN GOING FLYING OFF OF THE TOP OF THE RAMP! DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Both men lay in a heap as Asmodeus jumps down to check on them. Slowly they start to get up, but Ferrigan gets up first and kicks the Sakuba away from Oni. He then picks up Oni and powerslams him into the concrete, followed up by a hard elbow.]

Jordan: Ferrigan is back in control, but with the way this match is going... how long will it last?

Pete: If I were Ferrigan, I would get that psycho Jap to a locker room, and fast.

[Ferrigan picks Oni up again and starts to drag him to the back, but Oni retaliates and sweeps his legs out from under him again. Oni the casually walks over and picks his Sakuba back up and turns to face Ferrigan, grinning like a mad man.]

Pete: Uh oh.

Jordan: ...SWEET JESUS! ONI IS BRUTALIZING FERRIGAN!

[Oni beats down Ferrigan with viscous blows from the Sakuba, and slowly forces him into the back. Once behind the curtain, Oni hits Ferrigan hard on the back of the head and forces him down to one knee. Then Oni spins and catches Ferrigan right in the mouth with a hard martial arts kick sending Ferrigan sprawling backwards. Oni smiles and tosses his Sakuba aside, then picks up Ferrigan and drags him to the nearest locker room. He kicks down the door and a very undressed Renee looks up and screams. She then proceeds to throw things at Oni, Ferrigan, the Camera Man, AND Asmodeus. All of which retreat and Asmodeus closes the door.]

Pete: NO! OPEN THAT DOOR BACK UP! PLEASE! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE?!

Jordan: ...Well... that... was interesting...

Pete: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE?!

[Oni tosses Ferrigan into a wall and starts checking the locker room labels, so he doesn't have a repeat of the last incident. While he's checking Ferrigan is slowly getting to his feet and shaking his head. Oni finally finds a suitable locker room and kicks open the door. A fairly startled Stan looks up from his wheel chair, and hurriedly wheels off as Oni turns to grab Ferrigan. WHACK! Ferrigan hits Oni square in the head with his own Sakuba!]

Jordan: Where in the HELL did he get that?!

Pete: I have no freaking clue!

[Ferrigan kicks Oni into the locker room and proceeds to beat on him with the Sakuba. Asmodeus follows them and is now holding a chair.]

Jordan: Why does the referee have a chair?

Pete: For his own personal protection? You gotta admit... Ferrigan and Oni are beating the HELL out of each other.

Jordan: Yeah but... nevermind.

[As Ferrigan strikes again with the Sakuba, Oni catches it and kicks Ferrigan in the lower jaw, causing Ferrigan to let go of the Sakuba. Oni spins and catches Ferrigan in the legs with the Sakuba, and Ferrigan falls in a heap on the locker room floor. Then Oni begins to BEAT Ferrigan down with the Sakuba, repeatedly hitting him over and over again. Finally he tosses the Sakuba aside and goes for the pin.]

Jordan: It's all over! Asmodeus drops down to begin the count... One! Two!.... Asmodeus is just sitting there... Why isn't he counting three?!~

Pete: Because he's hitting Oni upside the head with the chair!

WHACK!

Jordan: MY GOD! ASMODEUS JUST SCREWED ONI OVER! HE'S BEATING HIM DOWN WITH THAT CHAIR!

Pete: Well... The Shadow Assassins never DID get along with the Evil Geniuses. So ya can't blame old Asmodeus...

Jordan: Referee's are supposed to be impartial! This is an insult!

[Asmodeus continues to beat on Oni then drops the chair and picks up Ferrigan and drops him unceremoniously on Oni. He then drops the floor and begins to count.]

Jordan: This is sick...

1!

Pete: So does this mean Ferrigan is in cahoots with SA?

2!

Jordan: I can't watch this... Even IF Oni is a sadistic bastard, he still doesn't deserve... this?! ONI KICKED OUT! ONI KICKED OUT! ONI KICKED OUT!

[Oni reaches out and grabs Asmodeus by the throat as he pushes Ferrigan off of him. He then gets to his feet and gives Asmodeus the Thousand Hells! Asmodeus goes down and Oni turns to grab Ferrigan... LOW BLOW! Oni falls to his knees and Ferrigan punches him hard. Oni then falls to the floor and Ferrigan slaps on the Crown's Removal!]

Jordan: Good God! Asmodeus is getting to his feet... Wait... Is that a pair of brass knuckles on his hand?!

Pete: It is! He's going to check to see if Oni has given up...

[Ferrigan is to caught up in the move to see Asmodeus hit Oni HARD in the head with the brass knucks. Oni goes limp, obviously knocked out and Asmodeus starts lifting his arm and making the count.]

Jordan: Ferrigan didn't even see that! This is sick... SICK!

Pete: Them's the breaks Jordo! 1! ....2!.... 3!... Ferrigan Wins!

Jordan: ...Damn SA. Damn them to hell.

Winner: William Ferrigan

Jordan: Well it seems like while that travesty was happening backstage, they cleaned up the ring and removed the cage for our next bout...

Pete: Oh come on Jordy! You didn't even LIKE Oni!

Jordan: It doesn't matter... No one in this fed deserves to get screwed like that...

Pete: Eh, yer hopeless. So what's next?

Jordan: Well as soon as they clear away all those scattered weapons, next is the tag-title match!

Pete: So we gotta kill time?

Jordan: About five minutes.

Pete: Awwwww man~!

Jordan: Don't forget, this is just one of the FIVE title matches taking place tonight! The Detroit, the Bad Blood, the Intercontinental, and even the World Championships will all be on the line!

Pete: Yeah, so why can't they hurry up?! I got bets on the Main Event I need to win!

Jordan: You bet on the Main Event?!

Pete: Um.... No... Nonononononono.... Did I say bet? I meant... Uh... sweats! A lovely pair of sweat pants with our Main Event on them! Yeah!

Jordan: ...Hopeless.... Completely hopeless... (He sighs)

Pete: So who do you think that Mystery Man is gonna be?

Jordan: Well is I had to hazard a guess... I wouldn't put it past the Commish to schedule himself in that match.

Pete: The Commish? In a match?! HA!

Jordan: He was quite the wrestler back in the IWA....

Pete: And look how they turned out! Man that has got to be the stupidest guess I have ever heard...

Jordan: Oh yeah? So who do you think it is?

Pete: I told you! Scorpion... Duh. I mean it's so obvious that loser would weasel himself into ANOTHER Main Event.

Jordan: Interesting guess. Well it looks like our Interviewer Kris "The Wolf" Cassidy has gotten a hold of another person to interview, so let's cut to him.

Pete: Awwww man~!

[The scene cuts to Kris who's rubbing the back of his head and holding a mic.]

Kris: Th'kya'Ordo! I'earit'issRenee!

[He turns and we see a very pissed off Miss Renee who's managed to get dressed by this point. Kris holds the mic over to her.]

Kris: S'ho'dya'eel'outeing'arged'non?

Renee: I swear to fucking Christ after Bane gets through with his match, I'm gonna have him kick the crap out of those two.

Kris: The'msa'ight'eeight'in'erdsiss'Renee.

Renee: Yea well you know.....what the fuck did you just say?

Kris: The'msa'ight'eeight'in'erdsiss'Renee?

Renee: (She sighs) I guess in this fed its enough to ask that you get my name right...sort of...I think...

[Renee grabs a random person walking by.]

Renee: Do YOU know what this guy is talking about?

Random Person: Uh.... no?

[She lets go of the guy's lapels and gets a disgusted look on her face. The random guy runs off.]

Renee: And I hope management around here plans to do something about the lack of privacy in the women's locker rooms.

Kris: Sooo... 'Atcha'oin'iday'ight? (Wink)

Renee: Well I have to punish some very bad boys.

Kris: Oh...ow'ouaterda'...ay'ay?

Renee: How 'bout you go to speech therapy... Ay? (She grins devilishly)

[Kris gets dejected and lowers his head.]

Kris: ...'orry.

Renee: Perhaps if you bring yourself a translator we could all have a grand time.

[Renee then spins on her heel and saunters off. Kris sighs and looks at the camera.]

Kris: Uh... ack'tya'Ordo.

[We cut back to Jordan and Pete. Pete is thumbing through a book called "How to Speak Pikey" and Jordan is just blinking at the camera.]

Jordan: (Blink) ...What in the hell did he say? (Blink)

Pete: Weeeeeeeeeeeeell... According to this... (Leafs through a couple more pages) I think he started asking Renee out on a date. That or he thought she had a very nice Yak. I'm not sure.

Jordan: Anyway... it looks like it's time for the tag-title match up!

Pete: WOOOOOOO! Finally, more carnage!

[The lights dim down and suddenly pyros go off all the way down the ramp as Fat Lip by Sum41 blares out the speakers. Out comes Casualties of Society, with Adam and Jacen each on opposite sides of Rebecca. They all grin and head down the ramp as the crowd gives them a mixed greeting with plenty of cheers as well as boos. Rebecca makes her way to her team mates' corner as Adam and Jacen hop in the ring and decide who's going to start off. Finally Jacen heads over behind the rope and Adam turns and waits for the champs to arrive.]

Pete: Well that's more like it! Since when did COS pick up a babe?!

Jordan: I think she's taken Pete.

Pete: Can't stop a guy from looking, eh? WOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: You are a sad, sad little man.

Pete: Yes I am!

BZzzzzzzzzzWAAAAAAAAAA! HELLO EVERYBODY.... Welcome to the Shooooooooooooooooooooooow....

[The crowd all stand as one as the distinctive sound of a chainsaw can be heard over the speakers and the Confederate Flag goes up on the EWF-Tron.]

BzzzZZZZZWe're Headin' for Destruction~WAAAA..... DON'TCHA WANNABZZZZZZZZWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[Pyros go off as The Ragin' Hellbilly's come out from behind the curtain, holding their belts over their shoulders. Uncle Cooter follows 'his boys' holding his walking stick up high as Leonard and Jasper grin like idiots.]

We're heading for Destruction! Don'tcha wanna come along? Say Yeah~!

Crowd: YEAH!

SAY HELL YEAH!

Crowd: HELL YEAH!

[Leonard and Jasper run to the ring and hop up on the apron, handing their titles to the Ref as Jasper hops up on the corner and raises his arms to another huge cheer from the crowd. Leonard grins at Adam and cracks his knuckles as Jasper goes behind the ropes. Uncle Cooter gives Rebecca the 'evil eye' then grabs a seat from the bell ringer and sits down, setting his walking stick over his lap.]

Jordan: And here is the EWF's very own Ragin' Hellbilly's! They have been the team to beat for an amazing undefeated streak as the champs!

Pete: Well they're going down tonight! COS is gonna take those titles away from those inbred freaks and finally clean the damned things off!

Jordan: And there's the bell! Our first title match is underway!

TAG-TITLE MATCH

Casualties of Society vs The Ragin' Hellbilly's (C)

[Jasper immediately lunges at Adam, but he manages to get out of the big lugs way and counter with a leaping martial arts kick! Leonard staggers then turns and hits Adam with a HARD clothesline!]

Jordan: Sweet Jesus! Adam just went flying!

Pete: Well... serves him right for actually trying to go toe to toe with that big freaking retard. He may be dumb, but he's REAL freaking big.

Jordan: I'm sure they would take that as a compliment.

[Leonard picks Adam up and walks over to make the tag but... Adam kicks backwards and hits him with the low blow! The Ref didn't see it and Adam is now putting the boots to the weakened Leonard's head, and edging him away from the Hellbilly's corner.]

Jordan: Adam quickly regaining the advantage over Leonard...

Pete: Yeah! Get the retard! Get 'im!

[Adam whips Leonard into the ropes... Leapfrogs over and tags Jacen as Leonard charges back, and Jacen with a flying dropkick to Leonard from the top rope! Leonard goes down hard and now Jacen starts to stomp on him, then slowly picks him up... DDT! He gets up again and drags Leonard over into the COS corner and tags Adam, then both of them begin to beat on Leonard. Jasper tries to get in the ring but is held back by the ref as COS beats on Leonard as one, then Adam pulls Leonard out of the corner slams him into the mat down with a armbar take down.]

Jordan: Adam and Jacen are definitely acting as a unit tonight! Look at those smooth tags!

Pete: WOOO! Pinning attempt! 1~! 2~!

Jordan: KICKOUT! Did you see how high Adam went in the air?! Even as beat up as he is, Leonard's power is amazing!

Pete: I told you Jordy. Big. Freaking. Redneck.

[Leonard groggily gets to his feet and Adam starts to put the boots back on Leonard. Then suddenly Leonard grabs Adam's foot, twirls him around and decks him with a hay maker! He then turns and starts making his way to his corner as Adam starts heading to HIS corner.]

Jordan: Leonard needs to make the tag! He's almost there... he's almost there...

Pete: Adam just tagged in Jacen! Quick get him!

Jordan: LEONARD MAKES THE TAG JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! OH MY GOD! Jasper just hit Jacen with a spinning body screw over the ropes! Now he's up again, and he just turned and decked Adam as he came into the ring! Jasper is on fire!

Pete: No! No, no, no, no!

[Jasper gets up and charges Jacen, then catches him with a bulldog! Jasper climbs the top rope, but Adam hits the ropes and Jasper falls down onto them!]

Pete: OOOOooooooooooo! Right in the Mommy/Daddy button!

Jordan: Jacen is taking advantage... He whips Jasper into the ropes... Spinning elbow! Now Jacen is heading over to make the tag...

[Jacen makes the tag and Adam comes in and starts to tear into Jasper with hard lefts and rights, then whips him into the ropes. Jasper ducks and comes of the ropes with a flying body tackle, knocking both men to the ground. Both struggle to get up and Jasper starts crawling over to Leonard to make the tag. But suddenly, Adam grabs Jasper's leg and drags him back into the center of the ring, then proceeds to pound his head into the mat!]

Jordan: COS is being incredibly brutal tonight!

Pete: Can ya blame them? The gold is on the line! Not to mention, they're just doing what's smart. Isolate one member of the team and beat them down.

Jordan: Can't argue with you there Pete... Adam is dragging Jasper back into the COS corner... He makes the tag to Jacen and now Jacen is taking his turn beating on poor Jasper.

Pete: Poor Jasper?! HA! He deserves it! Stupid inbred hick...

Jordan: I'm not even going to respond to that.

[Jacen whips Jasper into the ropes and catches him with a clothesline! He goes to pick up Jasper, only to get kicked in the face! Jasper slowly starts to crawl to his corner! Meanwhile, Rebecca walks over and starts posing for Leonard, he seems to be dumb struck. He doesn't notice Jasper who is feebly trying to reach up and make the tag.]

Jordan: And now Rebecca is distracting Leonard!

Pete: What else did you think she was there for?! WOOOO! Jacen just got Jasper and suplexes him back to the middle of the ring!

Jordan: Wait a minute... Uncle Cooter is climbing on to the ropes!

Pete: Crap.

[Jacen picks up Jasper and jasper hits him with a punch to the gut! He goes to throw Jacen in the ropes, while Leonard turns and sees what's going on then waves at the Ref to get his attention... Jacen reverses Jasper and he heads into the ropes... TO get CLOCKED BY UNCLE COOTER'S WALKING STICK!?]

Jordan: What in the hell?!

Pete: Hey, poor old guy must be blind or something. Heh.

[The Ref turns to see Jacen grab the fallen Jasper, and Uncle Cooter leaps and smashes his walking stick into Leonard! Leonard falls back into the floor as Uncle Cooter grins and gets up. Jacen drags jasper over to the COS corner and tags in Adam! The throw Jasper into the ropes... SOCIETIES END!]

Jordan: WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

Pete: Oh this is TOO good... Hee hee.

[Outside, Rebecca walks over to Uncle Cooter and hands him a wad of cash, which he takes happily then starts to walk up the ramp counting it. Adam goes for the pin.]

Jordan: They paid him?! THEY PAID HIM?!?!

Pete: 1~! 2~! 3~! WE'VE GOT NEW TAG-CHAMPS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Winners and new Tag-Champs: Casualties of Society

Jordan: This is one of the most damnable things I have ever seen...

Pete: WOOOO! The Rednecks lose! The Rednecks lose! The REDNECKS LOSE! BRING OUT THE CHAMPAIGN! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: (Sighs) You make me sick.

Pete: (Grins) Thank you!

Jordan: Well it looks like the Hellbilly's are finally being helped out of the ring... It is almost time for our next title match!

Pete: WOOO! Mikey Wallace vs. Bane! This should be great!

Jordan: Indeed, they always say that a good little man can always beat a good big man, and we are about to see if the saying is true!

Pete: Screw that, I just want to see Ms. Renee again!

Jordan: (Cough) Hornball. (Cough)

Pete: What was that?

Jordan: Nothing.

Pete: Yeah, whatever... Come on, bring on the boobs!

[As if on cue, Young Lust by Pink Floyd kicks up to a huge pop from the crowd and Mikey Wallace comes out with Stan the Man. The crowd goes nuts as Wallace grins and pats the belt on his shoulder, while he makes his way to the ring. Stan seems shocked at the sheer reaction from the crowd.]

Jordan: The crowd loves Mikey!

Pete: Well I guess it takes a bunch of idiots to love an idiot...

Jordan: Just look at this reaction!

Pete: ...Feh.

Jordan: You're just upset that Mikey is the champ.

Pete: Am not!

[Mikey enters the ring and Stan wheels around to Mikey's corner. Mikey grins, ands the Ref his belt and watches for Bane's entrance. Bane's music cues... but no Bane.]

Jordan: That's odd... Where's Bane?

Pete: Maybe he's watching TV or something...

[Bane's music starts up again, and again no Bane. Mikey raises his eyebrows and talks to the ref, who shrugs his shoulders.]

Jordan: Still no Bane.... WAIT! There's something going on in the back! Quick cut to that!

[An image starts up on the EWF-tron and we see bane running into the street screaming, with Ms. Renee trying to keep up.]

Bane: BIG BOIDDDDD! BIG BOIIIIIIID! WHERE ARE YOU BIG BOID?!

Renee: GET BACK HERE DAMNIT! YOU HAVE A MATCH!

Bane: BIIIIIIIIIIIG BOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDD!!!

[We switch back to Jordan and Pete, who are both blinking.]

Jordan: Bane's running away... and calling for "Big Bird"?

Pete: Uh.... Yep.

[The Ref blinks, then shrugs and calls for the bell.]

Detroit Title Match

Bane vs. Mikey Wallace (C)

Winner via No-Show: Mikey Wallace

Jordan: Well... that was a quick match....

Pete: ...WHAT THE FUCK?! GOD DAMNIT! I WANTED BLOOD!

[Mikey sighs and shrugs and his music kicks up again, and he starts getting out of the ring. The crowd is silent a moment, then starts cheering for Mikey.]

Jordan: Well it looks like we're moving along a little quicker than expected....

Pete: Damnit. Damnitdamnitdamnit.

Jordan: Wait... It seems our interviewer, Kris "The Wolf" Cassidy has found some one else in the back! Let's cut to you Kris!

Pete: Oh God, no.

[The camera switches and we see Kris grinning and holding up a mic to the three members of COS who seem to be celebrating their victory.]

Kris: Tha'ky'Ordy! I'hea'ithAsual'ieso'ociety!

[He turns and raises and eyebrow at Adam, Jacen and Rebecca.]

Kris: At'oyo'olks'inko'win'inde'ag'Elts?

Jacen: Dude what the fuck he just say?

Adam: I have no clue...but hell, what does it matter tag champs we fucking are...WOOOO!

Kris: (Blinking) I'aid... "At'oyo'olks'inko'win'inde'ag'Elts?"

Rebecca: Thanks Kris...he said congrats on winning the belts...and he welcomes you two here...morons...

Jacen: Yeah, whatever...WOOO....LOOK MA I GOT GOLD...!

Adam: Mom you never said we would amount to much...hey Kris....where the hell you from anyways..you sound worse...than those damn rednecks!

Kris: (Shrugs) At'eva... Ever'onants'anow'atde'ealwit'Uncle'Ooter'as?

Rebecca: Oh that was my idea, who know the old coot had a thing for money.

Kris: I'ee... An'I'romIreland.

Jacen: You understand this guy?

Adam: Man, what the hell is he saying?

Rebecca: Ok, twiddle dee and twiddle dum, shut up and let me talk. He's from Ireland, sorry Kris, sometimes they smoke too much reefer. Anyways, these two guys earned those titles, all Uncle Cooter needed was a push in the right direction...

Kris: I'ee... So'atd'yalanon'oing'ow?

Rebecca: Well, these to plan to smoke pot, kick ass, and defend there titles to whoever stands in there way.

Jacen: Yeah, what she said, hell yeah...those honey's are still here...

Adam: So that means open challenge, anyone wants a shot at us..they got it.

[Suddenly, William Ferrigan bursts into the side of the interview with bandage over his forehead and staring at Kris intently....]

Kris: Os'erome'oldords'riends. (He grins and then looks over at Ferrigan) I'ere!

Ferrigan: Well, you three can leave, I believe my presence is required, stating to the WORLD how I destroyed ONI.

Kris: Ow'ouetroyed'Oni? Um... I'uessou'ould'ayat...

Ferrigan: Now, I know Oni is going to snivel about his loss, as most bloody would... But I do believe as a man of honor, he should just acknowledge my presence as not only a bloody equal but his superior. ... What in the hell did he bloody say?

[Rebecca glares at Ferrigan.]

Rebecca: He said your a bloody idiot for interrupting COS interview.

[Ferrigan glares back at Rebecca.]

Ferrigan: You bloody tart, you and you tanked up hippies go someplace else so I can explain to the world this triumphant victory...

Adam: What did you just call her?

Kris: A'tual'eeIaid... AY! No'isrespectin'aady! Bloody'bollicksin'hoor! (Kris raises a fist and glares at Ferrigan.)

Ferrigan: Now look you rabble, go away and let me finish my comments, what did you say? You bloody commoner..do your job and get the hell out of my site you bloody flipping idiots.

Jacen: Ok, this dude like pisses me off... I planned on gettin' laid later, but no one disses my friends...or Kris.

[Jacen turns his back and then tries to do a standing Hurracrannia...Ferrigan ducks down and grabs Jacen's leg slamming him to the ground. Adam runs overs over and gets a back drop from Ferrigan who turns around and looks at Rebecca smiling...]

Ferrigan: Come on little one, I want to introduce you to my royalty.

Kris: I'on'tink'osya'bloodyhoor!

[Kris drops the mic and as Ferrigan turns, Kris decks him HARD with his left hand, then start pummeling the crap out of him. After a succession of several hard punches, he spins and hits Ferrigan with an uppercut, sending the Brit flying and knocked out. Kris then dusts off his hands and looks down at Adam and Jacen.]

Kris: Ou'olks'aight?

[Adam and Jacen are both dazed and stare up at Kris blinking.]

Adam: Ouch...that hurt..ALOT!

Jacen: How in the hell did he do that?

Kris: (Grins) Un'iscensedbaxer,even'ears.

[Rebecca runs over to Adam and then looks back over to Kris.]

Rebecca: Thanks Kris...you were great...you should wrestle.

Kris: Obabl'ee...I'aveta'alkith'Lep. (He grinned) Een'I'inta'etinfera'ile.

Jacen: Dude, we oh you big time, you need weed....we are your hook up...oh...come by this weekend and party with us in LA.

Adam: Thanks man for defending my girl, what did he say again?

Kris: Aight. (He picks up his mic and looks at the camera) I'o'at. Ack'taya'Ordo!

[Rebecca walks over and gives Kris a kiss on his cheek, which causes him to blush in the extreme as we switch to a dumbfounded Jordan and Pete.]

Jordan: MY GOD! No one told me he could punch!

Pete: Holy hell.... An interviewer who can kick ass.... Now I understand why our psycho of a Commish hired the guy... Wow.

Jordan: (Shakes his head) Well that was certainly an enlightening interview...

Pete: You mean 'weird as hell'... (He sighs) Well that was about exciting as a fence post, let's move on.

Jordan: Our next match up is the Hooded Ronin against Jebus the Prophet for the Hardcore Title. Both of these men are animals and being a hardcore match up, anything goes. I have a feeling this isn't going to take long to get out of hand.

Pete: Screw that, I just wanna see those knockers…*drools*

Jordan: Do you ever quit?

Pete: Only if the entire selections of beautiful women on the earth disappear, ummm, no, I wouldn't quit then either. PORNO'S! WOOOOO!

Jordan: I should have never asked. Here comes RONIN to the ring now.

[Sheer Greed kicks in, making his way down the ramp, he hisses at the people, stepping through the ropes he lowers the hood, and then removes the cloak from his shoulders, he puts his staff in the corner.]

Jordan: He is probably going to use that weapon later.

Pete: Man, I don't care, I just wanna see Char, what a hottie.

Jordan: Oh yeah, its that time, here comes the champion.

[Clash of the Titans kicks in and Jebus stands tall with Char standing in the foreground. He charges the ring not wasting anytime to attack Ronin.]

Jordan: Well that didn't take long.

Pete: He's got a hot date, WOOO!

[The bell sounds and both men start exchanging left and rights on each other. Finally Jebus gets the better of the exchange and whips him into the corner following with a massive body crushing spear.]

Bad Blood Title Match

The Hooded Ronin vs. Jebus the Prophet(C)

Pete: Whoa, that's sucks, so ummm Jordan, rumor has it, as rumor does that you have the inside track to the big Mystery guy.

Jordan: Well, if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

Pete: Break my heart, whoa Char is so hot, what I would give for one night with her.

Jordan: Speaking of Char she just threw in a chair, let the hardcore begin.

[Jebus picks up the chair, turns to swing at Ronin and gets clocked in the head from a standing jump kick that levels the chair into Jebus's head. Ronin follows with several kicks to the midsection and several martial art punches to vital areas. Jebus just falls back with a large thud on the mat. Ronin goes for the pin…1…2…kickout.]

Pete: Hey go Ronin, kick his ass, I want Char for myself.

Jordan: Whom don't you want for yourself?

Pete: Oh damn, he should have staid down. Now look what you have gone and done.

Jordan: Ronin is going for his wooden staff. He's taking several blows to Jebus's back with it... Man this is brutal.

[Char slides in under the ropes and grabs the chair, the referee tries to stop her but she just hits him with the chair, Ronin turns to see what happens and get knocked in the head with the chair also, Char quickly slides Ronin's wooden staff to Jebus and jumps out of the ring.]

Pete: WHOA baby, get up Jebus, kick his ass, he is down and out, come on, get up you bastard!

Jordan: You just wanted Ronin to win, what gives?

Pete: Well, Ronin is down, and Jebus is up. Jebus win.

Jordan: Not with the referee out cold.

Pete: Dammit Jordan, stop ruining my fun!

Jordan: Whatever, wow, look at those shots Jebus is delivering to Ronin's back, will be a wonder if Ronin will be able to stand with those shots!

[Jebus tosses the staff, looking at the crowd, he is deciding its time to go for his finisher. He goes to get Ronin on his feet, leg sweep by Ronin putting the big guy on his back. Ronin runs across the ring for momentum, and somersaults forward dropping both his legs on Jebus's chest. Ronin slides out of the ring to grab an item of mass destruction from underneath, Char already has garbage container and tries to smash it into Ronin's head. He ducks and Char slams the container into the steel railing bouncing back into her head. It knocks her out cold.]

Pete: NOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: Well, can't say she should have not seen that one coming, but that would be redundant.

Pete: Shut up Jordan, I am going to check on my Love, Char.

Jordan: Oh for Christ sakes man, your going to get your head knocked off. Oh well, hey looks like Ronin and Jebus are really taking it to each other. Listen to the sound of those chops!

[Ronin chops Jebus, who returns the chop to Ronin, both men exchange chops until Jebus picks up Ronin and drops him stomach first on the inside barrier. Jebus then climbs over the wall and inside the capacity crowd Irish whips Ronin into the wall... no wait! Ronin reverses Jebus into the wall!]

Jordan: Well it looks like I am all-alone here at the commentators booth, for my companion has decided to go off and be a hero.

Crowd: WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!, WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!

Jordan: Looks like Pete is carrying Char into the back, oh man, both men have taken this fight completely into the fans! Nothing like a close up Hardcore match with some of the meanest wrestlers in the business today.

[Camera and security follow both men as they exchange fists again, never backing down, finally Jebus rakes the eyes and grabs Ronin.]

Jordan: NO, he can't be, no way, not there, he is going for the Prophecy right there, down those flight of steps, that leads out into the parking lot, this is mad, this is crazy, this is, oh hell, he isn't here, this is ANARCHY!

Crowd: WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!, WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!

[You see Pete carrying Char unconsciously up the ramp with a big grin on his face. Camera shifts back over to Ronin and Jebus. With no referee, Jebus is dragging Ronin all over the parking garage and slamming him into a couple of cars. From behind comes Oni with a metal pipe, SMASHING it into the back of Jebus's head! Ronin starts coming around seeing Oni beating a bloody and battered Jebus with stomps to the chest. Camera switches back over to Pete, stopping to open his door to his personal room.]

Rebecca: OH PETE~, COS was wondering something...

[Pete mouth drops looking at a half-naked red headed with only a towel wrapped around this woman right in front of him.]

Pete: Wha, wha, what is that?

Rebecca: They just wanted to thank you for support, was wondering, is one woman enough, or how about a half dozen?

[Rebecca flashes a little of her crotch at Pete, and then runs off, Pete looks at Char and then drops her like a bad habit and runs off chasing Rebecca, into a room full of semi naked woman all wanting to grab at him at the same time.]

Pete: Oh dear God... I am in Heaven!

Jordan: OH brother, what the hell is going on here?! This is pure craziness! Oh great they have the fight on the teller prompter.

[Ronin and Oni are taking Jebus to town, both exchanging martial arts move as Jebus gets pounded in both directions Ronin goes for the Karmic Strike.]

Jordan: Oh wait, Jebus ducks, Ronin accidentally hits Oni! Looks like he knocked him out cold, oh my god, Jebus is taking it to Ronin... Prophecy off the top of a car!!! Ouch a modified bulldog on hard asphalt, that's gotta hurt. Wait, Ronin is back up, what is he doing...?! He's in a car, and... driving it?! MY GOD! He JUST RAMMED JEBUS!!! ...Oh man, is that even legal in Hardcore contests?

[Scene shifts back over to Pete, he is almost naked and women are adoring him, quickly before Pete can react they handcuff his hands and feet together then run a pole through is legs and arms and leave him there dangling over the bed.]

Pete: Hey what gives?! I was about to score with you, DAMNIT! Come on, undo this... so we can get it on.

Rebecca: From COS with love, we just wanted to thank you for supporting the boys ride to the top, and just to say thank you, they wanted to make sure you had extra fun, ladies, oh and just to make sure you don't ruin this, here is an pair of my thongs to keep you quiet.

[She stuffs her panties in his mouth and they begin to strip tease right in front of him, all you can see is several naked butts and hear Pete screaming, but unfortunately no one can hear what he is saying. Finally Rebecca takes a knife and shreds the rest of his cloths off, then they all leave laughing.]

Jordan: Well, more than what I expected him to receive, but who is going to broadcast with me now? Hell, back the Hardcore match up... Now with Ronin and Oni are in definite control. Wait one minute, what is that in the shadows, is he even human?! I don't think Ronin or Oni even see him. Look he's gotta referee with him. My god can this man even move with the size of his arms, he is HUGE!

[This shadow figure walks up behind Ronin and Oni beating the snot out of Jebus, finally he taps on both there shoulders at once. They stop and turn, and look at his waist, they slowly look up, seeing this man of great stature, they both try to beat on him at once, he throws both of them with a flick of his arms.]

Jordan: Who is this guy and what the hell is he doing helping Jebus?! Not that Jebus couldn't use it right now, BUT somebody tell me what the hell is going on?!?!

Crowd: WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!, WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!

Jordan: Yeah, almost forgot, wait, oh no, he can't, no way, not with both at the same time…it would be, the first time ever seen, I can't believe it....!

[This mystery man has a hold of both there throats, standing next to vehicles he picks them up at the same time and slams them down on top of separate car roofs. He screams ands starts yelling.]

????: Twinkie Deluxe, twinkie Deluxe, get its time for the twinkie deluxe!!!

[He picks up Jebus and places him on top of Ronin on top of the roof…the referee starts counting…1…2…3~!]

Jordan: OH my god, Jebus wins! Jebus wins! But who in the hell was that big guy anyways?!

Winner and still BB Champ: Jebus the Prophet

[Jebus holds up his title, and the mystery guy helps drag him out of the parking garage.]

Jordan: Big Bird, Oni loosing to the Brit, the crowning of new tag champs, and we still have more to come! IC title defense, the great one puts up his title against Slickster, Hunter Lockhardt, and a mystery man! And if Pete stays locked up the rest of the night, it wouldn't break my heart one bit.

Crowd: WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!, WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~AR~CHY~!

Jordan: Yes we can't forget Anarchy, now can we?

[Suddenly the lights dim and Ratfinks, Suicide Tanks, and Cannibal Girls kicks up to a huge reaction from the crowd and out come Commissioner D. Leprechaun, mic in hand.]

Jordan: It's the Commish! I wonder what he's got to say...

[The Commish signals to have his music cut and clears his throat before putting the mic up to his face.]

Commish: Allo all... Something major just happened and I thought ye should be informed. It seems that Brendon Bowes and Ryan Lambert have quit the company on last minute notice.

[The crowd hushes then starts to boo.]

Jordan: Good lord! But Bowes is scheduled in our next match!

[The Commish holds up his hand and the crowd goes silent.]

Commish: I have decided that the EWF will NOT be attempting to renegotiate their contracts, and will let them leave. Frankly, I'm not sad to see dead weight leave the company. As for the next match, it will be Mark Daniels vs. Reaver for the IC title. But, since you blokes were expectin' something a little more interestin'....

[The Commish grins.]

Commish: It's gonna be a two outta three falls match!

[The crowd cheers and Jordan gapes.]

Jordan: Two out of three falls?! We've never had a match of that type here in the EWF! This is amazing!

Commish: Oh, and since I feel nice and generous... Bring 'im out boys!

[The Commish turns and a group of security officers drag out a fully clothed Pete and take him back to the announcers table. The crowd laughs.]

Commish: I figured the poor bastard stewed long enough, ay? Now, ENJOY THE BLOODY SHOW YE BOLLICKS!

[He tosses the mic and his music starts up again as the crowd cheers. Pete resituates himself in his seat and puts his headphones back on.]

Jordan: (Snickering) Have fun?

Pete: Shut. Up.

[Jordan burst into laughter and Pete hangs his head and sighs deeply.]

Jordan: Well since my illustrious partner has once again graced me with his presence, it looks like it is almost time for the IC Title match!

Pete: ....

Jordan: Not talking Pete? Cat got your tongue?

Pete: ....

Jordan: (Sly grin) Or was that your pants she got?

Pete: SHUT. UP.

[Once again Jordan bursts into laughter and Pete starts to twitch as the lights dim down.]

I'M... A... CONFEDERATE BAD ASS!

[The crowd ERUPTS as pyros go off all over the place and Mark Daniels, the original Bad Ass comes out from behind the curtain! He raises his arms high and the crowd roars! Grinning he makes his way to the ring, high fiving as many crowd members as he can. Then he perches on a turnbuckle and raises his arms high again to another deafening roar from the crowd!]

Jordan: An here comes Mark Daniels! He looks ready to go tonight!

Pete: Ready to test my gag reflex more like... Reaver is Sooooooo going to kick his ass.

Jordan: That remains to be seen Pete. Remember, this is a two out of three falls match now! Reaver has to beat him twice!

[Mark drops down form the turnbuckle and does a few warm ups as he waits for the champ.]

Burn with the witches and dig through the ditches, I SLAM IN THE BACK OF MY DRAGULA~!

[Pyros go off all over the place as Reaver comes out from behind the curtain, sporting the IC title over his shoulder. The crowd gives off mixed boos and cheers as he makes his way down the ramp. Halfway down, he tosses aside the IC title and runs into the ring and he and Mark Daniels start exchanging lefts and rights. The Ref calls for the bell.]

IC TITLE MATCH

Two out of Three Falls

Mark Daniels vs. Reaver(C)

Jordan: And the IC Title match is on! Reaver and Mark Daniels are picking right up where they left off!

Pete: I'll say! Look at Reaver go!

Jordan: Reaver whips Daniels into the ropes... Daniels ducks Reaver's clothesline! Daniels on the rebound... CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL TO REAVER! MY GOD LOOK AT REAVER SPIN IN THE AIR!

Pete: Ooooh!

[Daniels walks over and picks up Reaver... Military press! He pumps him up and down then drops Reaver behind him as he runs back into the ropes. Reaver gets up only to get a flying body tackle from Daniels!]

Jordan: Mark is on the attack!

Pete: Come on Reaver! Offense, Offense!

[Daniels gets up and has his feet swept out from under him by Reaver. Reaver then hops to his feet and starts stomping on Mark Daniels.]

Pete: There we go!

Jordan: Reaver seems to have the advantage now... WAIT! DANIELS JUST CAUGHT HIS FOOT! Spinning dragon screw! Reaver is down!

Pete: NO!

Jordan: Daniels getting to his feet... He's grabbing Reaver... DEATH VALLEY DRIVER! DANIELS IS GOING FOR THE PIN!

Pete: Damnit! Kickout, kickout!

Jordan: 1... 2... 3! Daniels wins the first fall!

Pete: Damnit!

Winner of the First Fall: Mark Daniels

[Daniels gets up and heads to his corner as a stunned Reaver gets to his feet. The ref looks at them both and signals for the second bell to ring.]

Jordan: And fall two starts right off the bat! Daniels and Reaver are charging each other... Reaver ducks out of the way!

Pete: Wait a minute... didn't the match just end?!

Jordan: Two out of three falls Pete. You have to win twice.

Pete: Ooooooooooooooooh. GO REAVER!

[Daniels turns and catches a martial arts kick to the face from Reaver. Reaver quickly heads to the turnbuckle and starts climbing... But Daniels is up! Daniels hits the ropes and Reaver falls down onto the ropes!]

Jordan & Pete: Ouch.

[Daniels runs over and climbs the turnbuckle, grabbing Reaver in the process. Suplex from the top rope!]

Jordan: My God, look at that ring shake!

Pete: Damnit Reaver, where the hell is that evil crap you always babble about?! Eat his brain or something!

Jordan: (Looking at Pete) What?!

Pete: Hell, I don't know... (Pete stands up) KICK HIS ASS REAVER!

Jordan: (Shaking his head) And impartiality goes right out the window.

[Daniels goes for the cover... 1~! 2~! Kickout! Daniels gets to his feet and argues with the ref about that being a three count, and Reaver takes advantage. Reverse DDT to Daniels! Reaver picks Daniels back up... German Suplex!]

Jordan: And the ball is back in Reaver's court... My God, he is seething. He did not expect Daniels to get a fall over him so quickly.

Pete: I didn't expect Daniels to get a fall over Reaver so quickly! Come on Reaver! Pin him! Pin him!

[Reaver doesn't let go and gives Daniels ANOTHER German Suplex, and then finally releases. He gets to his feet and drags his hand across his throat. He runs over to Daniels, picks him up... SOUL CRY!~ Daniels is in the middle of the ring and trying to crawl to the ropes!]

Jordan: Good God man, how much pain can Daniels take?! He's edging to the ropes... Wait! Reaver just stood up and pulled him back into the middle of the ring! He's reapplying the hold...

Pete: There we go! Come on Reaver!

Jordan: Daniels is tapping! Daniels is tapping!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOO!

Winner of the Second Fall: Reaver

Jordan: Both these men are even now, it's anyone's game!

Pete: Damnit, there's another fall?!

Jordan: Yes indeed and the Ref is calling for the third and final bell!

[Daniels gets up, favoring his legs and Reaver grins sadistically, back at Daniels. Reaver charges Daniels... Daniels just dropped and tripped up Reaver! Reaver's face slams HARD into the mat!]

WHAM!~

Jordan: HOLY SHIT! Did you hear that impact?!

Pete: Ow. Ow, ow, ow, OW!

[Reaver clutches his face and Daniels grabs him, spins him around and catches him with a DDT! He goes for the pin.]

Jordan: We could have a new IC champion here! One! Two! Thre~KICKOUT! REAVER KICKED OUT!

Pete: YES! Come on Reaver, you gotta win this!!! I mean, who wants to see MARK DANIELS as the new IC champ?!

[Daniels goes to grab Reaver and whip him into the ropes, Reaver reverses and Daniels slams into the ref! The Ref goes flying and hits the ground hard as Reaver proceeds to tear into Daniels.]

Jordan: The Ref is down! Good lord!

Pete: Hee hee. Business is about to pick up my friend.

[Reaver notices the Ref is down and ties Daniels into the ropes, then heads outside the ring. He grabs the ring announcer's chair and folds it up, then slides back into the ring and grins sadistically.]

Jordan: Oh God no... Not this... For God's sake, Mark Daniels is a human being you animal!

Pete: HIT HIM! HIT HIM! HIT HIM!

[Reaver slams the chair on Daniels unprotected head!]

WHACK!

[And again!]

WHACK!

[And again!]

WHACK!

Jordan: SOME BODY STOP THIS!!!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOO! I WANNA BE~ (Stomp, stomp, stomp AN~ AR~ CHY~! Come on, Everybody! I WANNA BE~

Crowd: (STOMP STOMP STOMP) AN~ AR~ CHY~!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOO!

[Reaver tosses aside the chair and unties Daniels from the ropes then tosses him into the center of the ring. Grinning he bends down to grab Daniels.... ONLY TO GET A BOOT BETWEEN THE LEGS! REAVER GOES DOWN! The crowd goes wild!]

Pete: WHAT?! DISQUALIFY HIM!

Jordan: Unfortunately, the Ref is down Pete.

Pete: DAMNIT!

[Daniels gets up and does a 360, looking at the crowd. He tears off his shirt and holds his hands high as the crowd roars its approval. He then picks up Reaver and gives the signal for the Rebel Yell!]

Jordan: REBEL YELL! REBEL YELL! REBEL YELL!

Pete: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: Daniels goes for the pin, but the Ref is still down! 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! DAMNIT! DANIELS HAS THIS MATCH WON!

Pete: Hee hee. Gotta have the Ref be in the land of the living in order to win Jordo.

[Daniels slaps his hand on the mat and the looks over to the groggy Ref who is still trying to get to his feet. He lets go of Reaver and heads over to the Ref, trying to revive him. Reaver starts to get up and shakes his head then looks over at Daniels as he helps the Ref to his feet.]

Jordan: This doesn't look good...

Pete: ... It looks GREAT! WOOOOO! GET 'IM REAVER!

[Daniels turns around... DAMNATION FROM REAVER! He goes for the pin and the groggy Ref starts to make the count!]

1~!

Jordan: NO! NOT LIKE THIS! NOT LIKE THIS!!

2~!

Pete: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!

3~!

[The Ref calls for the bell.]

Pete: REAVER WINS! REAVER WINS! REAVER WINS!

Winner and still IC Champ: Reaver

Jordan: I may have not liked the ending... but good GOD was that an amazing match!

Pete: WOOO! I'll say! That was GREAT!

Jordan: And the Armageddon Now! Main Event is just moments away!

Pete: WOOOOOO! So, Jordy.... What was the wager, $50?

Jordan: What?!

Pete: On whether or not Scorpion is the Mystery Man. (Pete grins) Bet ya fifty big ones!

Jordan: I don't bet.

Pete: Come on! Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifty Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig Oooooooooooones.

[Pete starts waving a fifty dollar bill under Jordan's nose. Jordan finally can't take it anymore and pulls out his wallet, then slams another fifty on the table.]

Jordan: Fine, YOUR ON!

Pete: WOOOOOOO!

Jordan: Now let's get this Main Event started!

[The lights dim and suddenly pyros start going down the ramp as Bombshell by Power Man 5000 kicks up and Slick Willy comes out from behind the curtain to a HUGE ovation from the crowd! He raises his arms in the air as he makes his way down the ramp and slides into the ring. He does a few stretches on the ropes then leans back in a corner and watches the ramp.]

Jordan: And here's the first of our four competitors! Slick Willy has his chance at EWF gold tonight, as do the other three men in this match!

Pete: I still think it's unfair man... Zai has to beat off THREE GUYS!

Jordan: That's how it goes with a Fatal Four-Way Pete.

[Fight Song by Marilyn Manson kicks up to mostly boos from the crowd and Hunter Lockhardt makes his way down the ramp, glaring at the crowd. He struts down to the ring and takes his time getting into the ring, sizing up Slick Willy as he does. He then flips off the crowd and gets into his own corner.]

Jordan: And there's Hunter Lockhardt! He lost his title to Zai and wants it so bad, he can taste it!

Pete: It's gonna be a tough match to call Jordy. I mean with Hunter AND Zai involved... I can tell you it's gonna be one of them that wins.

Jordan: That remains to be seen.... It's time for our Mystery man to be unveiled!

Pete: Get ready to kiss your money goodbye Jordo~!

[Suddenly the lights go out and heavy drums start to kick up. The crowd goes silent.]

Pete: Looks like Scorp changed his entrance. Eh. Still doesn't mean it ain't Scorp.

Repent this Vegetable on you bastards! WITH ALL OUR LOVE!

[There's a twang from a guitar and a flash of a taped fist punching at the camera on the EWF-Tron.]

Jordan: ....Oh...... My....

We worked years for you, you BITCH!

[Another two twangs from the guitar and two more fists punching at the screen.]

You wanna break our walls down? YOU WANT TO FUCKING DESTROY US?! WELL YOU GO TO HELL!!!

Jordan: ~GOD!!!

[Pyros explode all over the place and Tony "T-Dogg" Badinski struts out from behind the curtain, holding his cane high as more pyros go off down the ramp. Slick and Hunter look dumb struck as Tony grins and start playing air guitar with his cane down the ramp. The crowd stands as one as Fucking in the Bushes by Oasis kicks up into full swing.]

Pete: WHAT THE FUCK?! NO! NO! NOT HIM! ANYONE BUT HIM! THAT DAMNED COMMISSIONER PULLED A FAST ONE ON US!

Jordan: It's TONY BADINSKI! MY GOD IN HEAVEN, I NEVER THOUGHT WE'D SEE HIM IN THE EWF, MUCH LESS THE MAIN EVENT OF ARMAGEDDON NOW! THIS IS AMAZING!

[The crowd starts to clap in time with the beat and Tony saunters up to the ring, not missing a single beat. He tosses his cane aside with one hand and takes his hat off with the other, then spins it across his shoulders and catches it with the other hand, taking a bow on the apron. Throwing his hat to the fans, he flips over the ropes and does a series of punches and a roundhouse kick as a warm up. He then takes off his sunglasses and grins at Slick and Hunter. Slick looks wary, but Hunter is sneering.]

Pete: Never trust a Leprechaun. He brought his buddy from the IWA into the EWF! This is total abuse of power!

Jordan: *Ahem* I'll take my fifty dollars, thank you.

[Jordan grins and takes the fifty from Pete's hands and Pete glares back at him. Before he can say a word pyros explode again and Deer Dance by System of the down starts blaring out of the speakers as Zaibatsu, the World Champion himself, makes his presence known! The crowd gives him a huge mixed reaction with just as many cheers as there are boos. He pats his title belt as he makes his way to the ring. Slowly entering the ring, he hands his belt to the Ref and looks at each of his opponents in turn, sizing them up. He then goes to his designated corner as the Ref walks around the center of the ring, holding up the EWF World Title Belt.]

Jordan: And that's what this match is all about! The EWF WORLD TITLE! Four men have entered this ring, but only ONE of them will leave calling themselves a champion! Our WORLD Champion!

Pete: Yada yada, blah blah, yakity shmakity. Screw the noble speech crap, and bring on the blood! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Jordan: And there's the bell!

EWF WORLD TITLE MATCH

Fatal Four-Way

Hunter Lockhardt vs. Slick Willy vs. Tony Badinski vs. Zaibatsu(C)

Jordan: And the match is off to a great start! All four men are rushing each other! Zaibatsu just hit Hunter with a clothesline and Slick and Tony are beating on each other in the center of the ring!

Pete: WOOOOO! Carnage! Anarchy! CHAOS! WOOOOOO!

[Zai grabs Hunter and gives him a bulldog as Slick and Tony continue exchanging hard lefts and rights in the center of the ring. Tony finally catches Slick off guard and spins, executing a martial arts kick to Slick's head and sending him flying! Zai, meanwhile goes to pin Hunter.]

Jordan: Zaibatsu going for the early win! 1~! 2~! TONY STOPS THE COUNT WITH A BOOT TO ZAI'S HEAD!

Pete: Hey now, that isn't fair!

Jordan: All's fair in love and title matches!

Pete: True dat. (Pete bursts out in giggles and Jordan raises an eyebrow and gives Pete a look.)

Jordan: You are truly a disturbed little man.

[Tony and Zai start exchanging punches and Zai grabs Tony and whips him into the ropes. Zai goes to give Tony a lift but Tony leap frogs over Zai. Zai spins around and gets hit with a spinning roundhouse and Tony drops the mat as Slick barrels past him with an attempted clothesline! Tony spins and catches Slick with a sweep then jumps and hits him in the chest with another martial arts kick as Slick is in the air! The crowd goes nuts!]

Jordan: This Tony Badinski is quite the showman!

Pete: Showman nothing! That's caporica he's using! I thought they only taught that in Brazil!

Jordan: The Dogg must get around.

[Meanwhile Zai gets to his feet as Hunter charges him and Zai grabs Hunter and gives him a Russian Leg Sweep! Hunter hits the mat hard!]

Jordan: Oooooh! Hunter is definitely not at his best tonight! Zai is MANHANDLING him!

Pete: Well Zai IS the champ. Hunter is just spring beans to that.

[Zai flips up to his feet and then does a standing moonsault, catching Hunter off guard! On the other side of the ring, Tony has put Slick into the corner and has started a mudhole stomping!]

Jordan: Zai and Tony are DEFINITELY the hard hitters in this match!

Pete: Yeah, I had no idea this Tony guy was such bad news! Jeeze!

[Zai gets up again and looks at Tony as he grabs Hunter. Tony returns the look and grabs Slick... They Irish whip them both and Slick and Hunter collide in the center of the ring!]

Jordan: Sweet Jesus, I've never seen THAT!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!~ THIS IS GREAT!

[Zai points at Tony as Slick and Hunter lay in a heap in the center of the ring. Tony beats his chest with one fist and holds up his hand, giving a 'just bring it' gesture. Suddenly, they both charge each other and Zai just BARELY ducks out of the way of a punch from Tony and spins around, grabbing Tony and suplexing him on Hunter!]

Jordan: Good LORD! Poor Hunter!

Pete: OW.

[Zai gets to his feet, but so do Tony and Slick. Hunter writhes on the ground in agony as Tony taps Zai on the shoulder and kicks him in the stomach and gives him a DDT! His victory is short lived however as he gets up and gets a flying body tackle from Slick!]

Jordan: This match is going by so fast it's almost impossible to call!

Pete: Yeah, AIN'T IT COOL?! I WANNA BE! (Stomp, stomp, stomp) AN~ AR~ CHY~!

Crowd: WE WANNA BE~ (STOMP, STOMP, STOMP) AN~ AR~ CHY~!

[Slick gets up and then runs over and does a leg drop to Zai! He goes for the pin! 1~! 2~! KICKOUT! Meanwhile Hunter is finally getting to his feet and he runs over toe T-Dogg, and kicks him HARD in the face as he tries to get to his feet. Tony grabs his face and Hunter proceeds to stomp the crap out of Tony.]

Jordan: It looks like the tables are turning once again! Slick and Hunter are on the attack... Wait! ZAI JUST CAUGHT SLICK WITH A HURRICANRANA!

Pete: Wow, I didn't know Zai could do THAT!

Jordan: Me either!

[Tony catches Hunters foot and pushes him away, giving him time to get up to his feet. Zai gets up and runs to the ropes, leaps on them, and moonsualts off of them into Slick! Hunter and Tony stand and glare at each other, then Hunter sneers at T-Dogg and suddenly spits on him! At first Tony looks shocked then his entire face transforms in a rage and he punches Hunter hard in the gut! He then starts wailing on Hunter, punching him over and over again... He takes a moment to do some dance moves as Hunter wobbles around and he spins and catches Hunter in the head with a roundhouse! The crowd goes nuts!]

Jordan: Tony just caught Hunter with the SHAKE DOWN! If he makes the pin, he can win this match!

Pete: Then why in the hell is he grabbing Hunter's hair and tossing him out of the ring?!

Jordan: Uh oh.

[Meanwhile, as Tony jumps out of the ring and continues to beat on Hunter, Zai picks up Slick and signals for the Heaven's Fall! He spins Slick around and gives him the HEAVEN'S FALL in the center of the ring!]

Jordan: JESUS CHRIST! ZAI NEARLY BROKE SLICK IN HALF WITH THAT MOVE!

Pete: Kinda like what Tony's doing to Hunter's jaw outside the ring! OW!

[Tony has pushed Hunter onto the floor and sits on his chest while he continues to PUMMEL the living hell out of Hunter! It doesn't take long before Hunter gets busted wide open from T-Dogg's vicious assault. In the ring, Zai gets to his feet and moves the prone Slick into the center of the ring. He then runs over and starts climbing the turnbuckle.]

Jordan: Zai's setting Slick up! ....DECAPITATION! DECAPITATION! DECAPITATION!

Pete: PIN HIM! PIN HIM! PIN HIM!

[Zai goes for the cover as Tony continues to beat on Hunter outside the ring, completely oblivious to what is going on inside it.]

Jordan: 1~!

Pete: 2~!

Jordan & Pete: 3~!

Jordan: ZAI RETAINS HIS GOLD!

Winner: Zaibatsu

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Zai takes his belt and staggers out of the ring and up the ramp, meanwhile Tony picks up Hunter and throws him into the steel railing!]

WHACK!

Jordan: Wait a minute... Somebody stop Tony! This match is over damnit!

Pete: I don't think Tony is caring about the match anymore...

[Suddenly, Commissioner D. Leprechaun starts running down the ramp with YCUL THE SLEDGEHAMMER!!!]

Jordan: The Commish is coming down the ramp to restore order! And he's brought and equalizer!

Pete: Aw man~!

[Tony looks up at the Commish and the Commish stops, looks at Hunter, then looks back at Tony and grins.]

Jordan: What the...

[He then hits Hunter in the stomach with the sledgehammer! Hunter clutches his stomach and sinks to his knees as Tony walks over and grabs a mic.]

Jordan: ....HELL?!

Pete: I TOLD you they were buddies! WOOOOOO! The night ain't over yet!

[Tony glares down at Hunter and takes Ycul from the Commish with one hand and uses the other to put the mic up to his face.]

Tony Badinski: ...You disrespected the Dogg Hunter... Nobody... But NOBODY... Disrespects the DOGG! I'm gonna take your ass out you little PUNK!

[He tosses the mic and the Commish grabs Hunter's arms and pulls him spread out on the mat! Tony raises the sledgehammer...]

Jordan: NO! SOMEBODY GET SECURITY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!

Pete: Sorry to break it to ya Jordo... But they can.

[Tony slams the sledgehammer into Hunters chest and he SCREAMS! Tony grins and hands the sledgehammer back to the Commish, who claps Tony on the back as they both start going up the ramp. The crowd goes nuts.]

Jordan: GOOD GOD TONY BADINSKI JUST ENDED HUNTER LOCKLHARDT'S CAREER! SOMEBODY GET THE DAMNED EMT'S OUT HERE!

Pete: HOLY SHIT, WHAT A NIGHT! (Pete stands up and raises his hands high) WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[EMT's rush out and put Hunter onto a stretcher, as the crowd begins to chant.]

Crowd: NA NA NA NA~! NA NA NA NA~! HEY, HEY, HEY~! GOODBYE~!

Jordan: I have never, in my years as a commentator, seen ANYTHING like what just transpired. What a hellacious way to end Armageddon Now!

Pete: This was our best PPV EVER!

Jordan: It's hard for me to disagree with you there Pete. Until next time, I'm Jordan Cass, and he's a desperate little toad in need of a good lay! This has been EWF's Armageddon Now! Good fight, GOOD NIGHT!

Pete: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!