Count McAbre - By Tim Stewart

Count McAbre strolled along the dusty old corridors of his dusty old mansion. He was in a fine mood, or as fine a mood as he ever was these days. These were hard times for him. His businesses were going through a bad patch, the bills on the mansion's upkeep were piling up, and with the rising crime-rate, more and more people were locking their windows.
He didn't like breaking windows, it was so unprofessional.
It was tough, being a Scottish Vampire.
Nonetheless, he was feeling good today. Tonight he would be leaving for Transylvania. It was the annual meeting of the dark ones. A convocation of vampires, zombies, and other undead. This year they were having a barbecue.

There was an explosion from downstairs, shaking the castle violently. A picture on the wall beside the count fell to the floor, dust was shaken from ancient tapestries, and the Count's personal CD player jumped. He sighed, and headed towards the basement.

He found Doctor Schlitzen lying under a fallen wardrobe. The doctor, who couldn't move, was writing equations on the floor. He looked up as the count appeared over him. 'I'm sure I know what I did wrong this time, you see, when I introduced sample Z to the…'
'Yes yes yes, I'm sure.' Interrupted the Count, whose lack of understanding in scientific matters was only surpassed by his lack of caring about them. 'What are you trying to do now?'
'Well, as I was saying, I was putting sample Z into the recontinuum chamber…'
'No, I mean, why are you doing that?' Said the count, as he pulled the professor out from under the wardrobe with little effort.
The doctor looked at him as if he was simple, sighed, and said, 'I'm making a time machine of course. Why do you think I needed all the uranium?'
'Ah, of course. Well, carry on.' He said, as he walked out the door.
He reflected that it was probably a bad idea to sub-let the basement to a mad professor. Schlitzen was alright, but his experiments either went dangerously wrong, or went dangerously right. The castle was falling apart as a result. Fortunately the doctor was paying for the damage he caused, but not much could be done about the new breed of six legged, glow in the dark rats that now plagued the castle.

The count was, by human standards, very old, but he was still a very young vampire. His appearance was that of a thirty year old, athletically built, and very handsome. Of course, being attractive was stock-in-trade for any vampire; it went with the turf.
Other things went with the turf too. This was the thought that was keeping Count John McAbre up at nights. I mean days.

The Count wasn't a happy man, (Well, technically he was not a man at all, but hey…) He owned a slaughterhouse in Glasgow, which he was going to have to sell if the situation didn't improve. He invested heavily on the stock market, and lately, he seemed to be cursed with bad luck. All this was troubling, and lately, he had started to feel something that he was sure vampires shouldn't. He felt lonely.
He knew his heart really wasn't in the vampire business, but he didn't have any choice. He had always been the sort of man, (When he had been a man) to see things from the other guy's point of view. And he still was, really. He knew that people were supposed to change when they were turned to vampirism, their minds adapted to the vampire mentality, seeing people as food, dressing in evening wear all the time, and pronouncing W's as V's.
Count McAbre did none of this. He liked to wear jeans and a shirt, for preference, and when he was out for someone's blood, he would wear something practical yet stylish. He had once tried wearing a cape, for the look of the thing, but it had got snagged on a window frame as he tried to climb through, and nearly strangled himself.
He didn't try to disguise his accent, because anyone combining a Scottish brogue with Transylvanian was just asking for people to laugh at him.
And he couldn't think of people as mere food, because he still saw himself as one.

He had never been to the meeting of the dark ones before, although he had been getting invitations for several years. Something had always come up, these first years on his own were tough, but he felt like he was really messing up. He had been a vampire for seventy years, ever since the previous master of the castle had been killed by a freak accident involving a steak through the heart, a garlic enema, being dragged out into the sun, and several angry villagers. They had burned his castle down, leaving John; his apprentice, with the other castle, several businesses, and no experience whatsoever in the field of, well, anything. He worked hard to run the firms he was left with, but John took to running a corporate empire like fish take to bicycles. He could almost feel the master's disapproval at him. This was what had been weighing him down lately, combined that he would be stuck in this castle, alone, for god knew how many years.

Anyway, it was time to leave, and time to decide how to go. He could fly there himself, or he could get a plane. Flying was tiring, slow, and not currently very fashionable, but planes cost money, and he didn't like the thought of being in club class. Flying it was then.

He touched down in the courtyard of Count Vladimir (the impaler) Dolvitch's castle. It would soon be dawn, but a few vampires were still outside, enjoying the pre-party party. A few of them nodded at him as he passed, he waved nervously back. He decided to get an early morning, so he would be ready for the party tomorrow, but he was hungry now, so he went over to the buffet, to find something to eat while in his coffin. Vampires, contrary to popular opinion, need to eat and drink like anyone else, but need to drink blood at least twice a week. He found a few salad sandwiches, and made enquiries as to where to get a coffin for the night.
No one seemed to know.
It was then that he heard a huge bellow of laughter from the far end of the courtyard. Intrigued, he headed in that direction, hoping to find someone to show him to a coffin, or at least have a huge bellow of laughter of his own.
A small crowd had gathered around a figure dressed in a dress sparkly enough to burn out the human retina from twenty paces. Wearing it was a large woman, not large as in fat, but large as in built to a different scale than other women. She was telling the sort of jokes that were shockingly rude even before the hand-gestures were taken into account. Everyone was doubled up with laughter, drinks were being spilled, and this strange woman with the heavy make-up and plentiful supply of hair was telling jokes that ended like:
'It's funny, it didn't do that last night!' or, 'Just grab the first thing you can and pull!'
John was the only one who seemed to be concerned about the imminent sunrise, so he tried to get someone's attention.
'Excuse me, but the suns' about to come up.' He said to the group in general, they all looked at the golden light on the horizon.
'Bloody hellfire, he's right y'know.' Said the joke lady, in the deepest voice John had ever heard from a woman.
'Emm, anyone know where to get a coffin for the night?' John asked. There was a general shaking of heads.
'Well let's not stand out here with our dicks in our hands, let's get inside.' Said the joke maybe-not-lady.
They headed inside, and John found himself walking beside her, he extended his hand.
'Hi, I'm John McAbre.'
A hand larger than his own met his and shook.
'I'm Jared Becker, pleased to meet ya.'
'You seemed to be 'slaying' them out there, Miss Becker.' Said John, quite pleased at the little joke. Jared gave him a funny look. He tried again.
'That's a very nice dress you have on.' Said John.
'Thank you.' He replied.
'Emm, you're Miss Becker aren't you? Or is it Mrs?' Said John, his supplies of small talk already running dry.
'I think, you can dispense with the formality and call me Jared.' Said Jared, after a carefully measured silence. John tried again.
'I'm from Scotland, just outside Glasgow actually.' He said.
'I'm from Nottingham.' He said, as they reached the cellar doors of the castle. The vampire they were following said he heard the guest coffins were down there.
'And what's your business Mi… I mean, Jared?'
'Emm, I'm in entertainment.' Answered Jared.
'Ah, you're a comedian?'
'Yeees, something like that.' In Jared's mind, he ticked the box that said, 'Thick as two short planks.' under John's name.
They found the coffins after a short search; the ones that were not occupied were left with their lids open. They all climbed in, closed their lids, and settled down for a good days sleep. John ate his salad sandwiches, then took out his CD player, plugged in his headphones, and put on some good chill-out music. Feeling suitably relaxed; he turned it off, and got down to trying to sleep in an unfamiliar coffin.

He awoke feeling tired, so he lay on for a while. It was only 8 o'clock, and the party wouldn't start for at least another hour.
Anyway, there were two more nights to go. Vampires aren't very social creatures, (Other vampires are competition for food.), but every year, the 'Meeting of the dark ones' was an invitation to vampires, (And also werewolves, zombies, and other undead types.) to come and let their hair down for three days. It had changed a lot recently. It used to be all about ancient rituals and land rights, but these days, everyone just turned up to eat, drink, drink blood, and be merry.
It would be good, the Count mused, to meet other vampires, to get into the social scene, to make friends, to not spend his days in the company of Dr Schlitzen's explosions and radioactive rats.
Oh well, time get up and make his presence felt. John McAbre flipped open the lid of the coffin dramatically.
'Ow!' Said Jared, who had been standing in the way of the lid. He was getting dressed, toady in a smart tuxedo.
John stumbled out of his coffin, trying to straighten up his suit. He reflected that bringing a change of clothes would have been a good idea.
'Damn, this bloody thing is all creased up.' He said.
'Are you going to wear that to the party?' Asked Jared.
'I suppose I'll have to. I haven't got anything else.' He looked at Jared but didn't recognise him. He offered his hand to shake.
'John McAbre.' He said.
'Jared Becker.' Said Jared.
'That's funny, I was talking to a woman named Ja… Oh.'
Jared could almost hear the penny drop.
'I thought there was something funny about her, well, you, well not you obviously… Emm, can we start again?'
'I hope so.' Said Jared. 'I know a good tailor around here who should still be open, I could take you there if you want.'
John sagged with relief. 'Thanks.'

They returned, after a hectic half-hour of clothes choosing, and headed for the party. Count Vladimir, (The Impaler) Dolvitch's castle was huge and imposing, a real classic vampire castle. The party was held in the courtyard, and also in the great hall, which was huge, and finely decorated. Inside it was fine wines, canapés, and small talk with charming people. Outside it sounded like a battle was being fought to the beat of dance music. Beer was on the menu and not much else, some vampires were already flying about drunkenly, sometimes into walls. He and Jared arrived in the great hall first, and made their way over to the bar.
'This your first year here?' Asked Jared, after he had necked a double vodka.
'Aye, I haven't had the chance to get here before, been busy, y'know?'
'Oh? What do you do?' Asked Jared, putting another double away.
'Mess up my businesses, mainly.' Said John, lapsing into an instant mini-depression.
'What do you mean?'
'Well, ever since my master died, I've destroyed almost all of the businesses he built up. I cant put a foot right, the old master, he was a genius, but I've wrecked everything he worked for.' John ordered a double whiskey, he hadn't drunk in ages, but it was occurring to him that he should have.
'Yeah, but have you tried anything else?' Asked Jared.
'How do you mean?'
'Well, if you're no good at running businesses, why not try something else? You don't have to do something you're no good at just because it was what your master did.'
John stopped and thought for a minute. It was funny, but that idea had never occurred to him, but why not? There was no reason to keep at something he wasn't suited to, just because tradition demanded he should.
'It's a new world for vampires out there,' Continued Jared, 'Things are changing, I mean, look at this party. Ten years ago, we would have been sitting around a table, talking about our ancestors and boasting about how much money we make.' He paused to wink at a passing vampire girl, and to finish his latest double. 'And now we're getting off our faces, and whining about how crap we are. And that's better.'
'Another drink?' Offered John.
'Always.' Beamed Jared.

They went out into the courtyard, where the music was so loud it seemed to reach the brain via the stomach. Dance music wasn't normally Count McAbre's thing, but he found himself throwing himself around with little regard to personal safety anyway. Everyone else was anyway. In a rare interval of a slow song, Jared pulled him back inside the main hall.
John didn't think he was too drunk, but there was that certain narrowing of perception that he associated with the early stages of being loaded. The Hall seemed too genteel after the courtyard, but it was nice to be able to settle himself for a while. Jared had headed over to the bar again; leaving him stranded by the doors. He snatched a glass of wine from a passing butler, and tried his hand at a little mingling. It wasn't all that easy. He soon realised he knew precisely two people in the room, Jared and himself.
He noticed someone coming towards him. He was much bigger than John, more muscular, more, well; the first word to spring to John's mind was predatory, even though the man was smiling.
A hand was extended, and John shook.
'Greetings, I do not believe I have had the pleasure, Mr…' He said, his voice seemed to strange to John, it was worryingly eager, like he was really going to listen well, and you had better believe he would remember…
'McAbre, John McAbre.' John replied. Alarm bells were already ringing in his head; anyone who spoke like that was bound to be trouble…
'I am Vladimir Dolvitch, your host, I hope the party is to your satisfaction?'
'Oh, er, yes indeed, Count Dolvitch.'
'Please, you may dispense with formalities tonight, call me Vlad. These are, after all, modern times.' The way he spoke the word 'modern' made John suspect Vlad wasn't all too happy about it.
'Eh, thank you, ah, Vlad, Its quite a castle you have here, most impressive.'
'Thank you, one does his humble best. I'm sure your own abode is something to behold, up in the hills of Scotland eh?'
John thought of saying, No, actually the only things holding it together are the rats, because they need a place to live. He also thought to ask how Vlad knew he was from Scotland, but he said, 'Yes, its great.'
John saw Jared heading towards him with a couple of pints. So did Vlad.
'Hello Vladimir.' Said Jared, handing John his drink.
'Hello Dragula. I hope you're well.'
'I've never been better Vladdy-boy.'
'Good.'
The air seemed to have cooled by about ninety million degrees. It was a relief when a butler came over to Vladimir and whispered something in his ear.
'Excuse me gentlemen.' He said, and walked off.
'You two got along like a house on fire…' Said John.
'Yeah.'
'Dragula?' Smirked John.
'Yeah, ha ha eh?
'So what's the story between you two?' Asked John.
'We don't get along very well.'
'No, really?'
'Honest.'
'Wow.'
'You had better watch yourself around him, he's not a very nice guy.'
'How so?
'Well, he is what you would call a vampire from the old school. You know, the mad type?'
'I see…'
'He thinks he's the model for vampires to aspire to, y'know? But he's just cruel enough to get what he wants. Take my advice, keep as much distance between him and you as you can.'
John watched Vladimir walk towards the doors at the rear of the hall, where he met two heavy-set looking guards. Between them they held a young lady by the arms. John couldn't see what was happening, because Vladimir had stepped in front of his view, and anyway, he was having trouble focussing after that wine.
'Okay, enough culture.' Said Jared, 'Lets party.'

John walked back towards his coffin. Well, that was the plan. Too much beer had robbed him of his sense of direction. He had no idea where Jared was, and more to the point, he had no idea where he was.
He was sure he had made a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and this castle was HUGE. Corridors led into other corridors, with doors lining all of them. You could get lost in a castle like this, and possibly never escape.
It felt like it was sucking him to its centre.
He was about to give up when he came up to a big set of double doors. He rested his head on them for a second, enjoying the cold feel on his forehead, then looked up trough the small glass windows.
Vladimir was walking towards him, with one of his guards. He hadn't seen John because he was giving instructions to his guard.
John panicked, here was a 'not very nice guy' in Jared's words, and John was just dying to heed Jared's advice about keeping his distance from him.
Vladimir and his guard came through the door, Vladimir still giving orders.
'No-one, and I mean no-one gets in there okay?'
'Yes sir.'
John hovered over the doorway, as the two walked past underneath.
'Okay, you know what to do for tonight?'
'Yes sir.'
'Good. See to it.'
Trapped, and with the guard about to turn back and see him, John flew in through the open door.
The situation inside was no better. The room was cavernous, and dark, and John could make out the shapes of guards on patrol. He could make out other shapes in the gloom, and all in all, he wished he couldn't. There were things that very much looked like torture implements for those who were bored with conventional torture. He hid from the entering guard behind a table, and noticed there were straps on the surface, just about right for arms and legs, (although you might have to stretch the average person.) and little tubes, all leading down to a drain, which went through the floor. Given that Count Dolvitch was a vampire, it didn't take much thought to work out what the table was for. He raised his head a little more, and looked at the tables around him, and nearly screamed out loud.
They were all occupied.

Of course, John was a vampire too, and like all vampires, needed human blood, but he had never, ever taken a life. He just took a little blood, every few days, from someone at random, and he always left them a little money, for their service. After all, they were keeping him alive.
But these people were being milked.
But why? Why would Vladimir need, (John counted quickly) twenty People? Vampires only needed about two or three, meals, a week…
The room stank of blood; it wove its way through the air, so strong it even revolted John. The room looked like a dungeon. You would have expected there to be blood everywhere, but evidently none had gone to waste.
John felt very sick, and not because of his drinking excess, (well, not just because of it.) Why would he need so much blood? The whole thing was, sick, sinister, and really worrying. Something big was going on.
There was a scream from the rear of the room, a woman's scream. Not a fine-tuned Hollywood type scream either. It was a scream of real mortal terror. The voice was pleading, and whoever it was, they were obviously struggling with someone. And they were getting closer. He was suddenly very scared. (Well, actually, he was suddenly even more scared.)

Vampires can tell humans from vampires, after all, what's the point of trying to bite another vampire's neck? It may be a dog-eat-dog world, but some metaphors just don't work. Count Dolvitch's guards were human. Scary, tough, pitiless, but human nevertheless. Vampires rarely have use for guards, and if they need them, they usually employ human guards. The reason is the food factor. Its' not good to have competition.
John dived over behind another table as two big, suit clad guards threw the girl John had seen earlier up on the table, and started to strap her down.
'Uh oh.' Said one. 'Looks like she needs stretching.'
'Hehehe.' Said the other, obviously not the shiniest coin in the fountain. He did however, look like the biggest coin in the fountain.
The girl was bound by the wrists, but obviously not ready to give up. She broke a foot free from their grasp, and lashed out, catching the big coin on the chin. Startled, he fell back, a bit.
John then did something very heroic. It was not, actually, something he thought he would be able to do. It was probably the beer, he thought. No, maybe it was how angry he was at Vladimir. No actually, it was the girl. In a few microseconds, John decided he believed in love at first sight.
He had retreated up into the ceiling. He knew that the guards could take him no problem in a fight. Some vampires had huge strength. John's wasn't much improved over the average man. And these guards weren't average men. And there were two of them. At least. And they knew how to fight.
'Sod it, you only live again once.' He mumbled. And dove.
He hit the big guy in the back of the neck with his knee at about the speed of light, and cannoned into the other guard, knocking him over, and hitting his head of the table behind. John stood up and dusted his hands off as if he had planned the whole thing. Only his severely shaking hands suggested otherwise.
Then he noticed the other six guards, looking at him in shock. Something told him they would stop looking at him in shock soon, and pay attention to cutting off as many bits of him as possible.
'Do something!' Shouted the girl.
The guards were starting to inch forwards, as hyenas would to a dying leopard, which might just be capable of one last bite.
Undoing the straps holding her arms was a trial. His exertions, plus the beer, were making him very dizzy. Finally he got one off. The girl, deciding she wanted to live to tell someone how ineffectual her rescuer was, undid the last one.
Meanwhile, the guards were closing in. each one of them had pulled out a long wooden stake.
John felt his head spinning. 'Uh oh.' He thought. And then threw up. The guards jumped back as if it were acid. So too did the girl.
'Much better.' Groaned John, and swiftly spun around, grabbed the girl, and flew, (in not a very straight line.) out the door.
'Ow!' Said the girl, as John navigated the doorframe.
'Sorry.'

A lot of vampires had gone to their coffins already, although there was still a few hours of nighttime left. Several hours of drinking had left some of them a little unsteady on their feet. Jared was still up though, mostly in the company of a group of zombies, and one or two werewolves. You could tell they were werewolves by the fact that they drank their drinks out of bowls. One of them was telling a joke.
'So the man turns to him and says, "I used to be a werewolf, but I'm all right nowwwwwwwwww!"'
There was, rather appropriately, a howl of laughter, but not from Jared, because he was watching the guard who had burst into the hall talk urgently to Vladimir, who then stormed out of the hall, cape flapping dramatically.

John looked behind him again; he seemed to have lost them. Too bad he was just as lost as ever.
'You don't know where we are, by any chance?' He asked the girl in his arms.
'No, can't you remember how you got in?'
'Ah, no, I think I'm a little dunk. Drunk, sorry.'
'I know, you stink of beer.' She sounded angry. John supposed she had the right to. She had come close to being bled to death, and now her rescuer kept bumping her head off things.
'I don't suppose you could let me down?'
John did so.
'You're a vampire too aren't you?'
What with the long incisors and the flying and everything, there didn't appear to be much point in denying it.
'Yes.'
'Oh.' She said simply, and kicked John's feet out from under him, and ran for it. John landed heavily on his back, knocking the wind out of him. He scrambled to his feet, and flew after her. Why he had scrambled to his feet to take off, he didn't know. Still hanging onto his human side, he told himself. Or else he was just stupid.
It didn't take John long to catch up to her, but when he did, he couldn't figure out what to say or do, so he ended up floating pathetically behind her.
'Look,' He said eventually, 'There's no point in running, I'm not going to hurt you.'
Startled, she looked around, and promptly tripped up.
'Ow!'
'Er, sorry.'

There was a rapping on the lid of Jared's coffin. 'Damn.' He thought. He was ready for a good day's sleep, and knew he would have the mother of all mother of all hangovers in the night, and this interruption was not welcome. He pushed the lid off quickly.
'Ow!' Said John's voice.
'Serves you right.' Said an angry female voice that he didn't know.

'John?' Said Jared, getting out of the coffin. 'What are you up to? And who's she?'
'This is Anna Little, and, despite what she thinks, I am not going to kill her or drink her blood.'
Anna opened her mouth to say something, but John interrupted.
'Look, I'm not, okay?'
Jared got the impression that the argument had been going for a very long time.
'Eh, what?' He said.
'Listen, we're both in a pile of trouble here. You know you said how Dolvitch isn't a nice person?'
'Yeah…'
'I see what you mean now.'
'Oh hells John, what have you done?'
John told him.

'What will you have us do sir?'
'Keep searching the castle, check everywhere, but I don't believe we shall find anything much until tomorrow.' Said Vladimir. He was always calm in a crisis, and right now he was very calm indeed. If he didn't find her, and the vampire that had aided her escape, it could spell trouble for him. Besides, if they got away, he would be beaten…
'I trust that all exits were sealed up before you even informed me of this matter?'
'Yes sir.'
You didn't see who it was that freed her?'
'No sir, I had never seen him before. And you know that I know most of your guests. He looked quite ill though.' Said the guard
'Yes, you do don't you?' Said Vladimir. A suspicion suddenly presented itself. He knew all his guests, but there was one that he didn't know. That pathetic, cowardly vampire, the one who was with Jared. What was his name?

Jared sighed, and put his hand through his hair.
'You're dead!' He exclaimed.
'We can get away, tomorrow, if we set off first thing.' Said John.
'No!' Said Anna. 'No way, I'm getting out of here now.'
'Look, you can't just leave. If I know Dolvitch, it won't be that simple. He'll be watching.' Said Jared.
'So what? Its daytime, he couldn't follow me, he'd burn up.'
'No, he couldn't, but a pack of werewolves could. Vlad's very chummy with some of the older Wolf families.'
'Anna, if you hide out today, I can take you far away in the night.' Said John. 'He won't follow us.'
Anna looked around her, and flung her hands out. 'And where am I supposed to hide?'

The sun sunk slowly behind the hills of Transylvania, and finally, the beautiful red glow was forgotten in the night. Coffin lids opened, and vampires climbed out. Anyone who thought vampires were cool, elegant creatures would find this a rather enlightening sight. Every single one was nursing a sore head, and the solitary thought… 'Hair of the dog.'

John and Jared were the last to rise. They could already hear music blasting from the courtyard. It looked like another fine day for some. John contemplated his future. He was worried that it wouldn't be very long.
He had always seen himself as a good guy, someone trying to do the right thing. Vampire elitism disgusted him, as it did to a lot of vampires, but inside, he felt…
He thought of his master. One of the first things he was taught as a young vampire.
'They're food.' His master had said. 'They are beneath us. You should never feel even the slightest twinge of conscience or remorse, or even pleasure when you end a human. They are nothing, and we are all things. They live their lives in their heads, imagining the things they want to do, but never having the courage or strength to carry them out. We are Vampires; we may do anything among these shadow beings. We are above their laws, their self imposed morals, and we never restrict ourselves. We are alive. They are dead.'
He had been told such things ever since he had become a vampire. He had, early on, believed them implicitly.
Did he still believe them? Sure, he said he didn't, and when he thought about it, he saw what madness it was. But still…
He couldn't figure it out, but he felt like he was playing a role. He felt that his feelings for humans were just some script, and not his own. But at his heart, his core, his master's words filled him, and weighted him.
Was he to be like his master? Were his feelings just some silly script that would grow thin in time?

'So when are you going? Asked Jared, sharing a bottle, this time of aspirin, with John.
'Just as soon as I can trust myself to fly.' Replied John.
Jared nodded.
'Thanks for, well, keeping me company. It's been good to have someone to talk to.' Said John.
Jared smiled and extended his hand. 'Good luck to ya man.'
John shook, and smiled also. 'You should come up to Scotland some time. I can show you around.'
'Cool, know any good breweries?'
'I own one.' Said John with a grin.
'Cool!' Exclaimed Jared. 'I'm there.'
'You could come with us now if you want…' John offered.
'I'd like to, especially after the breaking news about your brewery. But we had better not go at the same time. Dolvitch is bound to be keeping an eye on everyone.'
'Yeah.' Said John.
'Yeah.' Said Jared.
There was a large cheer from upstairs. They both looked in that direction. Jared sighed. 'I'd better go up and see what's happening…'
'Right. I'll see you soon I hope.'
'Bye.' Said Jared
'Later.' Said John.
Jared turned and went up the stairs. John had the horrible feeling that he would never see him again. With a shrug, he turned and started to pack his few possessions. He would then get Anna from her hiding place, and head for the hills. Simple, nothing to worry about.
Someone grabbed his hair from behind, and threw him face first into the wall. As he lay on the ground, he was picked up again and thrown into the ceiling. He fell to the ground and was pinned down by a foot on his chest. His attacker was immensely strong, as he found he couldn't wriggle out from under him. He opened his eyes, and wasn't hugely surprised to find Vladimir Dolvitch staring down on him. His expression wasn't particularly angry. It was the expression of someone who has had to do something unpleasant, but is satisfied it was done.
'Wha…' John blurted, through bloody lips, but was cut off by Vladimir kicking him in the head like a football with his free foot. Vladimir hovered above him, then reached down and hauled John up against the wall.
'You will speak, only when I have given you permission.' Vladimir said, in level tones. 'Where is she?'
'Who?' Moaned John.
Vladimir punched him full in the face. John's head flew back and hit the wall. Stars rocketed through his brain.
'You will speak only when I have given you permission, and you will not abuse my permission by lying. Understood?' Said Vladimir, in that same calm voice. 'Where is she?'
'I don't know what you're talking about!' Yelled John, tensing himself for the blow. Instead, Vladimir held up his fist. John could see his own blood on the knuckles.
'I will not dirty my hand further by striking you.' He said, and with that, picked John up by the shirt collar, and carried him out of the cellar.

The hall was packed. Everyone was inside, looking towards the stage. The music had fallen silent, drinks were left half drunk, and the air had that electric buzz of many people trying to be silent.
John was up on the stage, being held by Vladimir's guards. Vladimir stood in the centre of the stage, waiting for silence. When the hall calmed down sufficiently, he began to speak.
He spoke of what it meant to be a vampire. Of their heritage, their responsibilities towards each other, their power… John watched him and knew what he was doing. He was doing what his own master had done with him, and what, no doubt, every vampire in the room had done to them by their masters. He was preaching. Getting inside those little cracks everyone has in their head, getting to their little centre of patriotism, passion, and hatred, and twisting them to his own ends.
His speech was heating up. Some of the audience were applauding the things he said, and soon, all the others were joining in. They were putty in his hands.
'WE HAVE IN OUR MIDST… A TRAITOR!' Vladimir Dolvitch shouted, and a loud roar of hatred came from the audience. John was dragged forward for inspection. He was about to shout out his innocence, when Vladimir struck him on the nose, and he fell. The audience cheered. John felt himself being pulled up by the hair.
'THIS WRETCH TRIED TO UNDERMINE US! HE WISHES FOR US TO BE DESTROYED! WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH HIM?'
'The roar from the crowd could not be understood, but when Vladimir took a long stake from his belt, the frenzy increased.
'No…' Groaned John, before he was dragged down and held to the floor by the guards.
But then… Someone was standing at the side of the stage. Vladimir looked around, and snarled. His guards grabbed the figure, and Jared was dragged to the centre stage.
'Come to save your little friend?' Said Vladimir, with a sneer.
'Yes.' Said Jared simply.
'Too bad. Guards, you may do your thing.' He tossed one of them a stake, as the others dragged Jared to the ground. 'John, you can watch your brave friend die.'
John watched as the guard drew the stake back to strike. It seemed to be happening in slow motion. Jared looked over at him, and winked. The guard stabbed down with the stake. What happened then was this:
Jared snatched one hand away from the guard pinning his arms to the floor, which he used to grab the approaching stake and ram it into the stomach of the guard that wielded it. Then he stabbed the guard holding his other arm, and kicked out with both feet which were being held by the last guard, who went flying out the back of the stage.
Jared stood up, and dusted himself off.

Bill and Jim were guards. They were not particularly good ones, but they had the huge fortune of searching the coffins, and found, in one, a sleeping girl.
'Is that her?' Asked Jim.
'I hope so, then we can bugger off and have a smoke. All this guarding is making me tired.' Said Bill.
'Coo, ain't she pretty?' Said Jim.
'I don't give a monkey's.' Said Bill, 'just so long as we get some sorta reward for this nights work.'
She didn't wake up until they had picked her up.

Vladimir watched Jared carefully. The crowd stood expectantly, not sure what to do. There was a terrible silence.
Jared spoke first.
'Let him go.' He said.
'What does it matter to you, Dragula? Why risk your life like this?'
Jared shrugged. 'Because.' He explained.
John tried to pick himself up, but couldn't. His body didn't seem to want to do anything he told it.
Vladimir kicked him sharply in the ribs, and said, 'For this? He is nothing. I've never seen such a pathetic vampire in all my time… He is worse than the humans we feed on.'
'Kick him again, and you'll never see another night.' Warned Jared.
Vladimir smiled pleasantly and drew back his foot again. 'We shall see.' He said.
Vladimir's kick knocked John out across the hall, where he landed upside down in a fountain. No one really noticed, because of what was still happening on stage.

John hauled himself out of the fountain. He saw Jared fighting Vladimir on the stage, and would have helped him, if not for several facts. One was that he was scared numb. Another was that he couldn't possibly be any help to Jared in the state he was in, and yet another was the fact that two guards were carrying a struggling Anna into the hall.
He staggered towards them, knowing that he could do nothing, physically to take her from them. He used other means.
'Quick!' He shouted at them, 'Give her to me!'
The guards looked puzzled.
'Why?' Asked Bill, the quicker thinker.
'I have to take her somewhere safe until Count Dolvitch deals with the vampire he's fighting with!'
Bill and Jim thought better of it, but, being men whose job it is to obey orders, obeyed his orders. Thankfully, Anna kept struggling as she was passed to John's care. She was either a good actor, or just plain scared of everything by now.
'We'll tell his lordship you've got her when he's finished.' Said Jim.
'Er, yes, very good…' Said John, and staggered off back down the stairs.
'Didn't look very steady on his feet, that fella.' Said Jim.
'He was obviously injured trying to help the count.' Said Bill. 'Look at those two fight!'
The fight had taken to the ceiling, and the crowd were roaring. Imagine a Kung fu film where the combatants can fly, and you would have an idea of what was happening now. Vladimir flew fist outstretched towards Jared, who caught it, and swung him into the ceiling. The plaster cracked, and was reddened with the count's blood. Jared didn't let up for a second, punching and kicking the count wherever he could, and knocking his head on the roof.
Jared noticed the fountain below, which had a statue holding a spear in the centre. Grabbing the count by the throat, he flung him towards the statue. There was a sickening scream, and silence.
The count lay impaled on the spear, but not dead. He cried out when Jared flew down to him, and took one of his stakes from his belt.
'Please! No!' He shouted. 'I give up! You and your friend can go! I let you go!'
Jared hesitated.
'Look, look! A peace offering, from me to you.' The count said, and removed himself from the spear. He reached slowly inside his waistcoat, and brought out a small black case, like a CD wallet.
'What is it?' Said Jared.
'I'll show you.' Said the count. Jared didn't notice the edge in his voice. He opened the case quickly, taking great care not to look at its contents. He opened it right in front of Jared's face. Jared screamed, and fell back onto the floor. Vladimir smiled, and snapped the case closed. The crowd, deciding something was expected of them, fell on Jared, all at once.

John and Anna walked the corridors again. John was a mess of indecision. He wanted to go back to see if Jared was ok, but he also wanted to get the hell out of the castle. What he really wanted was to be able to close his eyes and have this all over with.
'Were just heading back to the dungeons again,' Said Anna. 'We should go upstairs again.'
'No, there are too many others up there… We'd never get out.' John put his hands on the wall, and banged his head gently. 'Damn it, what am I gonna do?'
'Get us out of here! That sounds like a good idea to me!' Shouted Anna.
'No, I have to go back for Jared. I should have helped him earlier, but I was too scared.'
'You helped me!' Said Anna.
'Yes, but I was wrong to do it. If we had sorted out Dolvitch, we would have had nothing to worry about. If he was beat on his own territory, all his supporters would turn against him. Vampires don't like weakness.'
'If you go back, what will I do?' Said Anna.
'Hide, stay here. If I'm not back in a few minutes, try to find a way out.'
John turned and ran back towards the hall.
As he approached, he felt the fear in his belly again. He didn't want to die, although technically he was already dead. He could sense before he even got to the hall that something was badly wrong. The roar from inside was deafening. It sounded just like the frenzy there had been when Vladimir had been speaking.
He reached the top of the steps, and saw Jared.
Jared was dead. He lay on the ground behind the crowd, who were listening to Vladimir on the stage. A stake had been hammered through his heart.
John felt his legs buckle underneath him. He slipped to his knees. Never had he felt anything as crushing as this. Never in all his lives. A tiny voice in his brain, the one that had caused him to come back, was saying, 'That's not right, I was supposed to come back to save the day, it cant be too late, it cant…' John stumbled back down the steps, sick to his stomach with despair.
Suddenly, a voice called to him, a familiar voice.
'John! There you are!'
John looked up to see Dr Schlitzen walking towards him, a device in his hand.
One thing about the doctor, John had noticed, was that he paid absolutely no attention to events around him, only to the things that he was working on.
'Its working!' He exclaimed. 'My finest hour!'
John didn't even raise his head, he tried not to listen, he couldn't care anymore.
'Haahaaa! They said I was mad, but who has the last laugh now? I always knew time could be bent, now I've done it! Behold the Time Machine!' He was shouting by the end of the sentence.
'What?' Said John, suddenly.
'Yes, its incredible isn't it? A simple little device like this can transport you through time and space, I used it to come here you know…'
'I need to use it right now!' Exclaimed John.
'On the contrary John, you have plenty of time…'

'Okay,' Explained Schlitzen, the battery has only enough charge for one time jump, so get it right, and the power source is not easy to find, and you can only go back up to a week in time, so this may be your only chance. When you go back, your body will be taken from wherever it was at the time, and you will inhabit it, so don't go thinking there's a backup of you, because there isn't. I'm a little fuzzy on other details, so the rest is up to you.'
'Thanks, I'm totally terrified now doc.' Said John, Yet he felt a purposeful confidence surge through him. How many people got the chance to change things? He would change things, and he would not fail.

John watched…
Jared noticed the fountain below, which had a statue holding a spear in the centre. Grabbing the count by the throat, he flung him towards the statue. There was a sickening scream, and silence.
The count lay impaled on the spear, but not dead. He cried out when Jared flew down to him, and took one of his stakes from his belt.
'Please! No!' He shouted. 'I give up! You and your friend can go! I let you go!'
Jared hesitated.
'Look, look! A peace offering, from me to you.' The count said, and removed himself from the spear. He reached slowly inside his waistcoat, and brought out a small black case, like a CD wallet.
'What is it?' Said Jared.
'I'll show you.' Said the count. Jared didn't notice the edge in his voice, but John realised what was in the case. It was an old trick, and a nasty one. A cross was inside. Dolvitch opened the case quickly, taking great care not to look at the cross. He opened it right in front of Jared's face, or would have, If John hadn't stepped out in front of Jared and knocked him, and the cross out of the way. John caught just the merest glimpse of the cross, but it was enough to blind him, and threw him to the floor. The time machine smashed open as it was dashed on the ground.
John heard what sounded like a scream from Vladimir, and then he felt himself being picked up, and being carried swiftly down the steps again towards the dungeons.
'Oh no…' He thought.
His vision was pure white, but as the minutes passed, he found himself able to see a little, and a little more.
'Are you ok?' Asked Jared.
'I think so… I think I'm getting better.'
'You saved my afterlife there man… I don't know what to say.'
'I think you did the same for me a few minutes ago. I don't know what to say either. Were both speechless.'
'Speechless damn heroes.' Said Jared, happily.
'What happened to Vlad?' Asked John.
'He got away and came down here, and we're gonna find him and stick this damn stake up his ass till it gets to his heart.' Said Jared sweetly.
'Charming.'

They followed the trail of blood Vladimir had left. It led them to Vladimir's special dungeon. John hoped Anna had found a good hiding spot, but even as he did, he heard a scream from inside the dungeon.
'Really,' Said John, 'you would think she could stay out of trouble for a few minutes.'
'Wonderful screaming voice though.' Said Jared.
'Got the stake ready?' Asked John.
'Of course.'
'Ok, then let's go.'
'Lets.'

Vladimir was strapping Anna to one of the racks, when John and Jared burst in. He was driven to the floor, and held there. Jared raised the stake.
'NOOO!' Screamed Vladimir, and writhed to escape, but no escape was available.
'Wait!' Said John.
'What?' Said Jared
'I have to know something. Dolvitch, what is this room all in aid of? What are you planning down here? Why do you need all the blood? Don't say it's all for personal use.'
Dolvitch looked indecisive, when gave in.
'I will have to show you, you must see for yourself.'
'No.' Said Jared, 'you can just tell us.'
'No, I won't tell you, I'll show you.'
Jared looked to John. 'Well? You really have to know?'
John thought about it. 'Yes.' He said.
Dolvitch was hauled to his feet. Jared held the stake, ready to strike. John took a sword off the wall, and used it first to cut Anna's bonds, then he brandished it in front of Vladimir.
'This wont kill you, but it will bloody hurt, ok?'
Vladimir shook his head ruefully. 'I take no fear from you. Are you not ashamed of what you are? Are you not ashamed to be so weak and useless?'
'Shut up you bastard!' Shouted Anna. 'He saved my life!'
'And mine.' Said Jared.
'Just because he doesn't pose and bully people, you think that makes him inferior, well it doesn't!' Yelled Anna.
'I would not listen to the opinions of food.' Said Vladimir icily. 'Just as you would not listen to the cows you slaughter. I am a vampire, and I'm not ashamed of what I am. Unlike these two.'
'That's enough.' Said Jared. 'Just show us what you were doing down here.' He gave Vladimir a warning shove with the stake.
Vladimir reached inside his jacket, (John and Jared raised their weapons) and took out a key. He went to a door, followed closely by the trio.
He unlocked it.
There were steps, working their way down in a spiral. They went down into the inky darkness. They came up to another door, like a prison cell door. A slot was cut into it, so one could see inside.
'Look.' Said Vladimir simply.
'You look first.' Said John.
Vladimir did so, with no ill affects.
John stepped up to the slot.
'If anything happens,' Said Jared. 'You die, understand?'
'Of course.' Said Vladimir smoothly.
John looked through the slot. The room was very dark, but large. It was underneath the dungeon floor, with the blood drains running into a central pool, which looked quite empty. Apart from that, it was too dark to see anything.
'There's nothing…' John started, and stopped. He suddenly knew something in the room was watching him. Some things. He saw the eyes first. Small, blank white eyes, hundreds of them. The darkness in the cell moved, became shapes, took forms of limbs and faces. Each figure in the cell was vaguely human. They were black, black as coal, their faces thin, emaciated looking, but featureless. Long sinewy limbs and sharp fingers. They looked like zombies, but worse. At least zombies had a little humanity, or at least had been human at one point. These spoke of a terrible alien coldness, no fear, no feeling, no pain.
One stretched out a bony hand to him. John backed away sharply.
'What the hell, what the hell are they?' He yelled.
Anna and Jared took turns to look. They both passed through the same, 'There's nothing here, hold on, what's that? What the hell are they?' routine that John did.
'I created them.' Said Vladimir, after a time. 'They are genetically engineered vampires, created in my laboratory. They are perfect, they feel nothing, they simply survive, and they are not subject to the old vampire Achilles' heels. Holy water doesn't harm them, sunlight, crosses, garlic, they are vulnerable to none.'
'Why? Why did you make them?' Exclaimed John.
'Because of those…' Said Vladimir, pointing to Anna. 'Those humans, they are so weak, and yet they rule the world. Why? They are so stupid, so fragile…'
'You were a human once, remember?' Said John.
'Yes, I remember. I remember being human before I was turned into something better. I created them to redress the balance, to cut the human race down in the day, so that at night, all vampires could go forth and take what is rightfully theirs.'
'You sick…' Started Jared.
'Think about it, all they need is to be fed more blood until they are strong enough to go out on their own, they can remove the obstacles that stand in our way, we can become more powerful than any force on earth!'
'You sick bastard.' Finished Jared. 'You think we would be any part of this?'
'Don't tell me you are satisfied with your lot… I know you Jared, you are as poor as a church mouse, that's why you do that ridiculous drag act, and you, John, are you happy with your life? These vampires can help us, and not just us, but all vampires. We will be heroes!'
Vladimir looked down at his torso, the hole where the statue's spear had pierced him had stopped bleeding. He spoke again.
'All our fighting, we can forget it. I will have no more quarrel with you. After all, its you I'm doing this for.'
'And yourself.' Said Anna.
'Yes, for me, and for all of us. We will spare you Anna, turn you into a vampire, we will all benefit.'
'World domination?' Said John.
'Yes!' Exclaimed Vladimir. 'Don't kid yourself any longer, we are not human, we have no need to be sentimental towards them. It is merely nature's course.'

John was silent. He could see his future clearly now, for the first time. He would not ever have to worry again. Power, money, no feelings of failure, that's what he wanted, wasn't it? Ever since his master had turned him into a vampire, he had felt out of place, and here was the solution.
This was something that all vampires dreamed of. Even his master spoke earnestly of the power beyond his grasp. He never achieved it. And now John could.
And he realised that he didn't want it, any of it.
He wanted to be happy.

John lashed out with the sword, stabbing Vladimir in the neck, pinning him to the door.
'The answer is no, you evil-minded son of a bitch. I'm not gonna rule over anyone, because I'm human, and I hurt, and I'm afraid, and I care. You cant tell me what I want, because you have no idea what its like to do any of those things.'
He took the stake from Jared, and held it up for Count Dolvitch to see.
'I cant explain why I don't want to rule over people any other way than this...' He aimed the stake at Vladimir's heart.
'I hope you're scared now, and maybe you can understand why we have to stop you.'
Vladimir could make no reply with the sword in his throat, and John sometimes wondered later if he did understand, but he didn't hesitate any more…
Vladimir was slain.

The three sat on the main staircase in the grand hall. The party continued below them, but in a sullen, listless way. The death of ones host has been known to put a crimp on parties.
'Why isn't anyone trying to, y'know, kill us?' Said Anna.
'Vampire code.' Said Jared. 'Your troubles are your own, and no one else is supposed to interfere.'
'But you interfered and helped John.' Said Anna.
Jared shrugged.
They sat in silence for a while more. Finally, Jared said, 'Wait here, I've got a great idea.'
John and Anna sat quietly. The Anna said, 'So when are you going back home?'
'Soon… Now I suppose.'
'Oh.'
Silence.
'I've always wondered how you turn someone into a vampire.' Said Anna.
'The vampire has to put something in your blood. I don't know what it is exactly, but it, well, turns you into a vampire.'
'Can you do it?'
'Are you asking me to?'
'Maybe…' Said Anna, cautiously.
'I don't believe it, after all you've seen of us, you still want to become one? Vampires are stupid and arrogant and can't shave themselves properly because they can't see themselves in a mirror…'
'Yeah, but some are sweet and kind and quite cute despite the poor shaving.'
She let this sink in.
'Sweet?' Said John.
'Yeah.'
'Kind?'
'Sure.'
'Cute?'
'Damn right.'
'You realise you would have to drink peoples blood?' Asked John.
'Yes.'
'And you don't mind?'
'Well, I suppose it will seem all right when I'm a vampire. I don't have to kill people do I?' She asked.
'No. And you leave them some money for their trouble.'
'Sounds like something I could do…'
'Are you sure you want to do this?'
'Yes.'

Jared came up the stairs to find John and Anna kissing. He put a gloved hand up to his powdered face.
'Awww, now isn't that sweet?' He said, and adjusted his dress.
'Okay guys, we're going on stage.'
'What?' Chorused John and Anna.
Jared grabbed them, and flew them over to the stage.
'Can you sing?' He asked.
'NO!' They shouted.
'Great! HIT IT GUYS!'
The band swung into action.
'Come on! You know the words!' Shouted Jared.
John looked at Anna and smiled, and shrugged.
'Lets hit it…'

'Friday night and the lights are low,
Looking out for the place to go,'
(Sang Jared.)

'Where they play the right music, getting in the swing
You come in to look for a king.'
(Sang John.)

'Anybody could be that guy
Night is young and the music's high,'
(Sang Anna.)

'With a bit of rock music, everything is fine
You're in the mood for a dance.'
(They all sang, and the crowd cheered and danced. There came a sparkle to John's eyes like there had never been before…)

'And when you get the chance,

You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen.'

They sang on and on into the night. The crowd especially appreciated John's attempt at singing 'Sabotage.' While Jared nearly caused a riot with his version of 'Sometimes its hard to be a woman.'
Anna thought of what she was getting into, and smiled.

'This is what victory feels like,' Thought John. 'This is how it is supposed to be… Not people plotting in cellars, but everyone dancing, shouting, having fun with each other. This is a happy ending.

The Happy End.

Tim Stewart.
14/04/00

While I'm here, I'd like to thank everyone for their help and support. Don't worry, I'm not gonna go all Gwyneth Paltrow…. Ahhh, what the hell. *Breaks down into tears* I'd like to thank my parents, and my brothers and sisters, and my friends, and my goldfish, and my pet hamster, and the bus driver who let me on the bus that day even though I was five pence short of the fare… Thanks man, without you, I may never have got home…

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