Gazing into the eyes of this woman, this angel, who stood in my dimly lit office, I felt the shiver of realization pass through me. She was in my office. I was looking at her. And she was looking at me.
Ashley.
Oh, how I had missed her! Those green eyes, the silky auburn hair, that soft skin, the warm grin, the way things had been…
Yet all was different now. Her green eyes were no longer loving, and her face no longer showed any signs of smiling at me.
And we were two very different people.
Glaring back at me with an angry intensity, her eyes threw accusing glares at me, threatening to crush my soul. She opened her mouth slowly, and, without fear, spoke. "I hate you."
My heart flopped, and I could tell she spoke with definite conviction. She hated me. The woman I had loved hated me. I had missed her. My heart had yearned for her. Now she was here, and she had told me she hated me.
Clashing with itself, my soul felt torn apart. I wanted to become angry, to attack her in her rage. Yet I wanted to hold her, to tell her everything was fine… Everything was not fine, though. Everything was wrong. Everything I had done, everything I had put her through and would have put her through if she had stayed…
Suddenly, for the first time, I saw her perspective. I saw why she despised me.
She had left me when she thought I was getting into trouble. In all truthfulness, she had made the right decision. I should have left with her; gotten away before it all came crashing down.
Now it was too late.
Why had I done it? Why had I made her suffer by bringing her here? Why hadn't I just left her alone; let her get on with her life?
The answer hit me with amazing clarity. It was because I loved her, and I wanted her back with me.
Turning away from her, I searched the shrouding darkness for an answer. I found it in the darkness that had been encompassing my life for the past years.
What I wanted was for her to be happy, for her to go back to her life. I didn't want to cause her anymore pain, and there was only one-way for me to stop. Now that I was in too deep, this was the only way for her to be pleased again.
I knew what I had to do. As much as I hated doing it, I knew I had too.
Reaching into the jacket of my suit, I felt the holster, and set my hand on the end of my steel handgun.
So cold, so hard, so heavy with the anticipation of death. Just as my heart had been…
Pulling the weapon out slowly, I once again faced Ashley. Her eyes widened in astonishment as I raised the pistol, my right hand gripped on the metal. "No…" she whispered, shaking her head in utter terror.
Shutting my eyes, I told myself once again that there was no going back once I did this. And I told myself to continue, opening my eyes.
As I raised the gun, she repeated her earlier statement, even more bitterly than before. "I hate you."
Feeling a painful shudder pass through my body, I thought dimly, "I hate myself too."
"Hate is a delicate matter, dear," I replied emotionally. With that, I turned my wrist, and pulled the trigger.
I felt the bullet bury into my chest, the scrap of metal digging through my skin and bones, into my body. I felt the flowing blood spill out of the deep wound. I felt myself drop the gun onto my left foot.
I felt these, yet somehow blocked the pain. I had accomplished what I had had to do. I had gotten rid of the part of Ashley's life that tore her apart.
Feeling myself sink the floor, I looked into her eyes. "I love you, Ashley, and I'd do anything for you."
"Oh my God…" she stammered quietly, stunned.
She hadn't been expecting that. Then again, neither had I. Hitting the floor, I kept my dark eyes locked with her light, beautiful ones, and realized that she was beginning to cry.
"Oh, Giovanni, I…" she leaned down, and the tears trickled down her cheeks. "I love you too. I always have and…" trying to control herself, she spoke faintly, "I always will."
She meant it. The first words, the hateful statements, had been in anger. These were in love, and how she truly felt.
Darkness was beginning to haze over my eyes, and my vision began to blur as I felt myself falling into the world ahead. "Goodbye, dear…" I murmured softly, and watched her until my vision went black.
Strangely, I felt that I had done what was best. And now that I knew she loved me… My thoughts became blurry and incomprehensible. I felt the spinning sensation come to a halt.
And then, finally, I felt nothing. I had reached the end.
