Why am I here?
This world, everything in it, means nothing. There's so much out there, and none of it is worth anything. Sure, everyone can say that there's something there, that it's all worth it. I think that's bull.
No one would believe this of me. Hell, I doubt that anyone would believe I feel anything at all. I'm only their Boss. I have no feelings, right? I yell, I command, I get work done, and I feel nothing.
If only they knew. Wouldn't it be funny if they did? Hilarious. Because then they'd break free of the restraints that bind them, those restraints made up of fear for those who are unfeeling.
No, they'll never know. They can continue to believe that their vision of who I am is the truth. It keeps them in line, so I'll leave it. Doesn't matter anyway. No sympathy from that pack.
Not that I expect any from anyone. I threw my last chance of sympathy away somewhere around ten years ago, when I lost Ashley. I don't want to think about that now… but the worst thing I've ever done was let her go.
I mean that, too. I lead a crime organization. I kill those who stand in my way. That doesn't bother me. I don't find it wrong. For me, 'good' and 'evil' are one and the same. There's something else my employees would never believe. Good for them.
I'll say it again; 'good' and 'evil' are the same. Their definitions simply vary from person to person. That is, if they can be defined. How does one define something as being condemnable and not? There is no force behind these definitions. They're simply society's way of venting off tantrums.
In short, 'good' and 'evil' are nothing. So how is what I do wrong? It isn't. At least, the way I see it. If I'm wrong…
And there's my problem. Who knows what about this world? There's so much that could be true, so many theories. How do you know which one is right? Maybe all of them. Maybe one that hasn't been proposed. Hell, maybe there aren't any. Maybe the world runs by itself just because.
I wouldn't be surprised. After all, what could make the rules that hold this universe together? Personally, I can't comprehend anything that could. There's so much around us, so much that it cannot possibly be controlled.
We have our own world. Our world is part of a solar system. Our solar system is part of a universe. And who knows how many universes are out there?
I once heard a theory that said there are worlds within worlds; that universes are made up of smaller universes. This theory states that our universe may be nothing but the subatomic particle of another universe's dust. It states that every time we tramp through grass, we kill millions of worlds in the process.
Crazy, isn't it? All of the thoughts I've been having are like that. They sound crazy, and yet, maybe they're true. How can you know that they aren't? How can you know what is true and what is it? Are you simply told?
Some people seem to believe that they have evidence to prove everything. What they've really got is some pure bullshit. They can't prove anything, because there's nothing to prove, nothing to prove from.
How do we know that everything we see is real? What if it's all a dream, a hallucination. What if none of this is real? Fro all I know, I'm in a coma. Maybe I'm dead. Maybe I was never alive. Maybe none of us were ever alive. How's that strike you?
If we are alive, then why? Is there purpose? Is there reason? What is it? To make it to the top? To beat everyone else? To be better?
There's nothing in any of that, though. It doesn't matter how powerful you are, you still die. We pass from life to death quickly, most with unremarkable lives. Even those who are remembered have died. They know not of the memories they leave behind.
Or do they? Some say there is an afterlife. In fact, many do. Some call it reincarnation. Shit on that. Is there a point to being reborn? To living life all over again, to die?
Others call it Heaven and Hell. Shit on that, too. There is no such. Nothing can run everything. It's impossible. Unless, of course, it's my mind not comprehending. I refuse to believe it, though. Religion is brainwashing. Heaven is nothing. Hell is a town.
So why the hell are we all here? I don't know. I don't understand this at all. It seemed to make sense before. At one time, power seemed important. It seemed important to make it to the top, to beat all the rest. At one time, it seemed important that I lead a nation of United Rockets.
At one time, making the world see the power of the Rockets one important. Waging war on the world seemed imperative. It all sounded wonderful, a dizzy rush of power.
Now power doesn't matter. I run this because it's what I have, because it's something I can do. Even if I question it, I do it. Day after day I go through life, trying to ignore the thoughts in my mind, trying to keep my mind on the job.
You see? All of this… It's tearing me apart, piece by piece. It shouldn't be happening. I should be able to dismiss these thoughts. They don't leave, though. They've found a place to stay, and won't go away.
I'll be working, shouting instructions at some idiot who doesn't know shit, or maybe just laying in bed, and the thoughts will begin to tear into me. They only lay off for short periods of time before returning with vengeance, ready to start at me. Ready to make me go crazy.
I think I may be going insane. I think I have been ever since I began to think like this. Looking at it from an outsider's perceptive, it certainly seems irrational. Crazy talk, hell yeah, that's what it is.
Well, not crazy talk. I can't talk about it. Who is there to talk to? My employees? That's great. A real laugh. As I've already stated, they're no help. They wouldn't believe it, and if they did, I could kiss the Team goodbye. The agents won't work too well once they find out that their Boss is losing it.
Hell, if they found out anything about me, the real me, the me they never see, I can kiss my life goodbye. Those people are like myself in at least one way… They kill if they feel they have the opportunity. And believe me, they'd go for it. A chance to take over? Go figure, who'd pass that up.
I can't talk to my daughter. She'd listen, probably help, but… I just can't. Probably because, yeah, I care about her. I don't want her to know I'm losing it. To have her know what I was thinking, that I've been questioning the rules of life, that I've been questioning everything… I don't want her to look at me like I'm insane, even if I am. I don't think she'd do it on purpose, but it seems that people can't keep themselves from giving crazies a certain look.
Honestly, I don't think I could stand seeing that look from her. I don't want to tell her, don't want to worry her, damnit! So there goes another option.
I had Ashley to talk to at one point in time. I can remembered telling her what I was thinking, and I can hear her replying with her own thoughts. That was before the Team, at least, before I joined the Team. Before my mind started to stumble upon these outrageous thoughts.
I wish she was here. Right here, right now. I'd apologize for everything I've ever done. I'd get on the floor and beg. I'd renounce the Team. I don't care, I just want her back.
Of course, there is a small problem with that. No, not just a small problem. Two big problems. I don't know where she lives. That'd make finding her a nice task, wouldn't it? I could probably find her, but…
But what if all I received was the rejection? What if she doesn't want to see me? I don't want to be turned away from her. Ha, funny though. Me being turned away by a woman not even associated with the Rockets… That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
I sound selfish, don't I? No big surprise, I guess. I've been selfish all of my life. I ignore people if I want to. I do whatever I want to. It doesn't matter to me what others say, I go ahead with my plans. I break promises. Maybe there isn't a good definition for 'good' or 'evil', but there is one for 'selfish.' Myself.
I'm selfish, now I'm whining, but I would like to point another aspect out. The reasons I don't look for Ashley are not limited to my selfishness and fear of rejection. They are, in fact, largely based on my idea that I don't want to hurt her.
It's true. If I ever do anything to hurt her again, I don't know what I'll do to myself. I just can't. I have already done so much damage to her…
She left me, and if she doesn't want to see me, I can't do anything about it. I don't want to put her through a lot of stress. Don't want to make her angry with either of us, especially not herself. So I stay away.
Is that ridiculous? I guess so. I'm a ridiculous person. Why else would I be in this situation?
If Ashley was here, she'd help. If Ashley was here…
But she isn't here! I have to remind myself constantly. Why? I don't know. It's been like that for a long time, but it's getting worse. I keep expecting to see her walk through the door. No logic to that, is there?
See, all my logic is leaving me. It's packed up its bags to find a more reasonable person, one who isn't being plagued by insanity. Farewell, adieu, have a nice trip, guess I'll never see you again!
I haven't been like this my whole life. I mean, for a long time I wasn't the kind of guy who'd head a crime organization. I was a normal kid. Well, sort of. My mother wasn't there, and there was always an off-feeling in my family, but it was basically normal.
Thing change, though. Time is merely the passing of our lives, and it likes to bend anything it can. Time isn't so great. It likes to screw us all over. After all, the reason we die is because we live through time, true?
My life altered, I'd prefer not to speak of it. You're better off not knowing, anyway. It wasn't pretty, it wasn't fun. Time sure did a number on my family.
So here I am, okay. Head of the Rockets, losing my mind. I know I am, that's got to be what it is. These thoughts… these thoughts that plague me…
I hear voices, too. Yeah, laugh it up, but I do. They sound like my own, and they argue inside of my head. Sometimes two, sometimes more. They'll get into arguments over the most insignificant occurrences.
When the thoughts come, the voices accompany them. They don't always speak, but I can hear them getting ready to do so. When they do speak, it's in a clamor so thick that it covers my normal line of thoughts. If it wasn't for the fact that voices are worse than irrational thoughts, this little bit of information'd relieve me.
I try to tell myself that the voices are normal. Maybe that it's just my own way of thinking. That's a lie, though, and I know it. I don't think any of it out, and the voices don't always have the same ideas I do.
I think I'm losing it. Maybe slowly, but it's all leaving. I'd like to give up, but I can't. The world simply won't allow it. It just laughs and says, 'Too damn bad, your fault, you shouldn't have let yourself become who you are and anyway, I'm not responsible for your troubles, so deal with your own shit.'
We all love this world, don't we? All of the stark reality…
That's the word. Reality. That's what I've been questioning the validity of. How real is reality? How real can it possibly be, with everything we don't know?
Every restriction could be a law. They probably are lies. The world is a lie. Reality isn't REAL!
Now… now you see… you have to see… I'm losing my mind…
My world has started to fall apart. My mind has begun to crash. My world has become tainted with a gray fog.
Every day goes by like this, with me questioning the world, with me finding myself falling farther away from reality. It's all slipping away from me, and I won't be able to bring it back. No one here for me, no one to help me, no way I can save myself.
One day I'll flip out completely. I'll just give up. I really, honestly don't know how much longer I can stand all of this. There's so much here, so much to look at, to think about, and it's all crowding into my mind, flooding it with thoughts I don't want, that I never wanted.
People can say it's better to be informed, better to question reality than to go about foolishly believing in it, but I'd rather be deluded. Better to be deluded than falling apart. To be unknowing than to know too much.
I'm serious about falling apart. I can see the edge if I close my eyes. Before the voices crowd in, I can see my sanity as a picture of a cliff. I can see myself moving ever closer to the edge…
And no one will be there to save me. I'll go down alone, forever alone. Insane, knowing too much… My world tainted gray.
