duck-fetish

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with fecal matter, crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on, I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and wiped the duck clean. After finishing, she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!"

She walked on and another duck, with fecal matter all over it, crossed her way. Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whined. "What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck.

She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress.

"Yes?" she replied.

"Do you have a Kleenex?"

"No, not anymore," she answered.

"Too bad. I guess I'll just have to use another duck."

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" he says to the first duck.

"Huey," said the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."

"No," growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my damn day."

Once upon a time, there were little three ducks who lived by a peaceful pond. One day they got into trouble and were sent to Bill - the duck who was in charge of the pond. The first one stepped up in front of Bill and looked at the ground.

Bill asked, "What's your name?"

The little duck replied, "Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" queried Bill.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week."

Duck waddled away.

The second duck approached Bill.

"What's your name?" Bill asked.

The little duck replied, "Duck Duck."

"Why did you get sent to me?" Bill asked.

"I was blowing bubbles in the pond," answered Duck Duck.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. It's against the rules. You're suspended from the pond for one week."

Duck Duck waddled away.

Now Bill was pretty smart and thought he had discovered a pattern. When the third little duck waddled up to him Bill said, "Let me guess. You're Duck Duck Duck?"

"No," replied the little duck. "I'm Bubbles."

A water polo game in a local outdoor pool was in progress, when all of a sudden a duck flew in low and landed right in the middle of the pool!

The referee blew his whistle, and halted the game.

The players and fans were confused, and asked why he halted the game.

The referee said it was a water fowl!

A lady is talking to her doctor.

Lady: "Doctor, I have a runny nose, a cough, and a sore throat. What
could it be?"

Then a white duck walks into the picture.

Duck: " Anthrax."

Doctor: " Well, it's flu season. Maybe you have the flu."

Duck: "Anthrax !"

Lady: " I don't know. I've had the flu before, and this seems
different."

Duck: " ANTHRAX !!!"

It was a nice day at the park by the lake. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish, and a young couple was rowing in a small boat.

Two ducks were cruising by, eyeing some targets to poop on. The younger of the two ducks tried to show off, and dove toward the three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, only hitting only two of the three guys.

The older duck flew toward the young couple in the moving rowboat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couple. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.

Then out from nowhere, came this little duckling, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove toward the three guys. Tut, tut, tut. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the rowboat. Tut, tut. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike entered the park. The little duckling flew over there. Tut. Thud. And it then rested on a tree branch.

So the two ducks feeling embarrassed flew over to the little duckling and said, "We are very impressed! Where did you learn to poop on people like that?"

The little duckling said, "I may be a new hatch but I've got plenty of experience. In my former life I was a lawyer."

The barman at an hotel opposite a consruction site in a small country town,was amazed to see a small duck walk through the door, fly up on to the stool and ask for a large beer.

The duck then stated that he worked on the construction site and would be in every day for a beer at this time.

The barman asked ''what do you do over there?''

''I'm a bricklayer,'' replied the duck.

Sure enough, every day the duck was in at noon for his beer. A week later a man entered the bar and in the course of conversation told the barman he was the manager of a travelling circus.

''Have i got an act for you!'' said the barman, and told him about the duck.

The circus man was very excited about this ''We'll make a fortune with this duck, tell him I'll be in tomorrow to talk terms with him''

When the duck came in next day the barman told him of the offer. The duck looked a little puzzled and asked--'Travelling circus? Don't they use tents and travel all over, moving every other day?''

''That's right,'' said the barman.

''Well, what the F--- does he want with a bricklayer?????''

So this guy goes into a bar, not a cent on him. He goes up to the bartender "if I showed you something you've never seen before will you let me drink for free all night long?"

"I've been a tending bar for 40 years, there's nothin' I haven't seen" said the old bartender, "yer on".

So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, reaches into the other pocket, pulls out a tiny man wearing a tux and tie. the little man walks over to the tiny piano and starts to play.

"Well, here's your first drink of the night" sighs the bartender.

After several hours of music and free drinks, the frustrated bartender
exclaims "how the hell did you get such a small man anyhow?"

The guy advises, "I have a magic lamp and in it, lives a genie."

"might ye be wanting to sell it?" queries the bartender.

"how much?"

"how about half a million dollars?"

"it's a deal"

So the bartender pays the man, grabs the magic lamp and rushes off to the storage room. He starts rubbing the lamp, and POOF! out pops the genie.
After careful deliberation, the bartender decides to wish for a million bucks to recoop what he lost and make a little extra.

POOF! the room fills up with a million ducks!

"What the hell is this!" the furious bartender charges at the guy and
his small companion in the bar, "i wanted a million BUCKS! not a million
DUCKS!"

"Well... did you think i wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Three guys die together and go to heaven. St. Peter says "We only have one rule... don't step on the ducks". They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen... St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever!"

The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St. Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together...

The third guy is very careful he goes months and doesn't step on any ducks.

One day St Peter comes with this gorgeous woman... Blonde, blue eyed...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

The third guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"?

She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

This bloke has a pet duck. They'd grown up together and were best mates and the duck went everywhere with him.

One day, the duck wanted to see a movie, so off they went to the cinema. But, as they went to go in, the usher stopped them and told the man he couldn't take a duck into the theatre.

They left, but the duck was most upset - it had really wanted to see the movie.

"Don't worry," says the bloke, "I've got the answer."

He stuffs the duck down the front of his trousers and goes back into the cinema, no problems.

After the lights have gone out, he undoes his zip, the duck sticks its head out and everything is fine.

After a while, a woman sitting next to the man nudges her girl friend and whispers, "Hey, this bloke next to me has got his zip open and his dick sticking out."

"Bloody pervert, just ignore him."

"Well I would, but it's eating all my popcorn."

Three doctors go on a hunting trip. They hear a rustling noise and look up to see some birds.

The psychologist says, "Hmmm. Ducks. I wonder what it feels like to be a duck?"

The internist says, "Probably ducks. Rule out geese, rule out pheasants."

The surgeon doesn't say anything, he just takes his shotgun and blasts them all out of the sky. Then he hands one to the pathologist who always comes along with him and says, "Here, tell me what the hell this was?"

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington State duck. Do you have a Washington State hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license.

The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho State hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho State hunting license.

The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon State hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager says, "No, we don't have duck food. This is a 'grocery' store. Now get out of here."

The next morning the duck waddles into the same grocery store and again asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager, speaking slowly and distinctly, says, "No...I told you yesterday that we don't have duck food. Now get out of my store and don't come back!"

The next morning, the duck enters the same grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?" The manager screams, "No! We don't have duck food, and if you come in here asking for duck food one more time I'm going to nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The next morning the duck enters the grocery store and asks the manager, "Do you have any nails?"

Resigned, the manager says, "No, we don't carry nails."

"Good," says the duck. "Do you have any duck food?"