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December 14,2004

I had a completely new experience over the past week, one that was at the same time maddening and infinitely painful. The only way to describe it, really, is as a total failure of mind, body, and spirit in attempting to write a psychology paper. Yes, this is the same psychology paper I so gleefully celebrated the extension of two weeks ago. What happened in the interim was nothing short of a complete collapse. I'm still working out how I did it in my head, and thus I'm spilling it out in the commentary. After all, if not here, where?

The moment I should have realized I was in trouble was approximately one month ago. A three tiered outline was due for the paper. I, as has been my style for a few years now, hadn't even thought about it since my paper topic got approved. I had more immediate concerns. At the time, the work seemed excessive. In essence, I felt like I was being asked to write the paper a month before it was due. In all fairness, that wasn't far from the truth. I needed to know everything that had to go into that paper. At that juncture, that just wasn't happening. So, I took a pass on it, knowing I took a hit to my participation grade. It was one, after all, that I could afford.

The next month went on as expected. There was a tidal wave of work due at the end of the semester. In the last two weeks of class, I was responsible for Five papers, one exam, one presentation, and participation in one yoga class. The first paper due was a sociology paper that was only two pages long. That was finished long before the due date, affording me time to focus on other areas. In an unexpected twist, both my psychology and foreign policy papers were given extensions: psychology to tuesday, foreign policy to monday. After my Poli Sci presentation on thursday, I was looking at one week to get everything else finished. This was how my final week of classes looked:

Monday: HPA (attendance required), Foreign Policy (Paper Due)
Tuesday: State Politics (attendance required), psych paper due (no class), Sociology (exam)
Wednesday: HPA paper due (no class), Foreign Policy, Foreign Policy review session
Thursday: State Politics (attendance required, paper due), Psychology, Sociology (Rules on life lecture)
Friday: HPA (attendance required), Foreign Policy

I make the finishing touches on my FP paper Monday before I turn it in. I spend Monday night mostly relaxing, though I organize some notes for my work on the psych paper the next day.

Tuesday morning I got to my 8 am on time. I sit through the presentations like I'm supposed to. I come back, ready to work. Against my better interests, I crash for a little bit but wake up around 11:30 or so. After some lunch, I sit down to tackle the paper. I realized then that my notes were extremely disorganized. By the time I get them into some semblence of order, I realized I had several problems. First, my notes were merely copy-and-pasted exerpts from journal articles I had procured online. I did not sift out important information and had, in fact, left things out. Second, I needed one inch margins, which meant adding a half page's worth of material for every given page. Third, my paper topic was boring me. In fact, the class bored me. When I say bored, I mean to tears. Just an awful idea. Finally, and perhaps the most salient of all, was the fact that I had underestimated the length. With about two hours to go until I had to leave for my sociology exam, I realized the tough five page paper I had to do was instead a ten page behemoth. There was exactly no way I could do this on time. I was now in full panic mode.

At this point, I made an immediate decision: I needed to finish studying for my exam. I would throw myself on the mercy of my TA, but I had to focus on the here and now. That meant not letting one failure cause another. This decision saved my grades and, in the end, my sanity. I was screwed on my paper at this point. Had I come up with a clunker of a final, I would have lost a chance to get an A in what was supposed to be a gimme course. Things would have just fallen apart from there. By ensuring I was prepared from the exam, I proved to myself that I could contain the damage. I wound up with a 95 on the exam. I am currently awaiting official word on my A.

The decision I made that day gave me a chance at four A's. It also made sure my fifth grade was no higher than a D. The next day I needed to do my HPA paper and my state politics paper, a process which took the entire day. Both papers were done on time (though the SP paper was kinda close...the introduction to the ten page paper took two hours. I wound up printing out the paper right before I bolted to class). By this point, I had recieved an email that a letter grade would be taken off for every day it was late. It appeared I was saved.

My next decision was undoubtedly my worst all week. Exhausted from work and tired of writing papers, I decided not to do any work on the paper on Thursday. I would work on the paper a little that night and have it finished in time for Friday. As I sat down to do the paper, though, I noticed something very strange. I didn't care. There was no urgency to finish, no drive to succeed. I looked at the screen and saw a paper I could not do and did not care to do. With only an extra page done (increasing the total to 2.5), it was suddenly 5:30. With the promises of fun times ahead, I stopped work on my paper. I figured the paper wasn't getting done that night and denying myself what I had waited all semester for (and had eagerly anticipated all week) was not an option. I was mentally exhausted. I was spiritually beat up. I needed time with my friends. So, the paper was left for another day. I had much fun. I was emotionally and mentally recharged. The paper, though, was almost dead.

I got a little work done over the weekend, but both Saturday and Sunday were repeats of Friday. I was easily distracted, unable to get into a rhythm, and incapable of caring. I'd work for a while, despite little getting done, and eventually I'd hit something at night that I decided was worth my attention more than this stupid paper I was writing. I kept saying I was working on it, attempting to hand something in. I knew in my heart, though, that I had already made up my mind. By the time my friend Marc IMmed me to go to a bar with him at midnight on his 21st birthday, I already knew it was over. With my FP final looming and a 60 point penalty looming, I gave up.

What do I take away from this? I think I finally learned not to force an issue. The psychology class was a good idea in theory. I had enjoyed psych 2. I had to take SOME 400 level course and this seemed as good as any. To be fair, if it weren't for that one paper I would have easily had my best semester as a college student. That is why, I think, I can't get upset about this. My world shook after fall semester sophomore year. I had maybe one friend in all of State College. At max, I'd see him once a month. My GPA had taken a huge blow. I was completely uncertain how things would turn out with the girl I was interested in (the result of which made my situation even worse). Nothing was going right. By contrast, I can't think of another thing that went wrong this semseter. The only thing that comes close is the ticket debacle earlier in the semester, but even that worked itself out in the end. Why should I let one event, especially one as isolated as this appears to be, ruin a great semester? My passion and earnst returned when studying for my FP exam, so it does not appear that this had any lasting effect on my ability to get things done. I suppose, in the end, what I have to take away from this is that I need to manage my time better. Other than that, it's just life.

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December 1,2004

Some random thoughts after my yoga experience and basking in the glow of an extension on my psych paper:

-In another part of the site, I reference the ladder theory and bestow my approval on it. After reading it in detail, I still agree with this assessment, though the conclusions drawn are off. Everyone is their own person. As a guy, I can, in fact, have friendships with girls because I believe you can never have enough friends. Given that I'm generally clueless as to who has interest in me (and, in addition, the times I've expressed interest have been met with what could generously called failure), there's no reason for me not to just be happy with what I have.

-College is moving way too fast. I feel like I just moved in this semester and it's already December. This is officially insane.

-When I signed up as a member of The Facebook, I did so because ILH had a club posted and, as president, I felt I should be there. I never expected to hear from so many people, let alone from some people I haven't seen or heard from in years. I remember in Junior High I claimed I didn't want to be in the yearbook because I wanted to be forgotten. Now, though, I have to say it feels nice to be remembered. I'm sure it was more of a matter of "Oh, I remember him...let me put him on my list" rather than any real desire to make contact, but it's still fun to see how these people have progressed in life.

- I'm not really a video game person, but I have to say I really enjoy playing Halo 2 with people. The whole campaign part doesn't interest me, but if I'm hanging out with either friends (like Jer and Scott) or family (like my cousins at Thanksgiving) it's fun to hit up the multiplayer. I've found I'm excessively good at dying. The people I play with seem to appreciate this. I know some people are rather sensitive to video games (and Halo in particular) taking over peoples lives. No video game can replace genuine human contact (other than maybe Leisure Suit Larry...just kidding). As a fun way to kill time or as something to do with friends, though, Halo 2 does nicely.

-There are only two teams in the NFL that I would give a better than fifty percent chance to stop the Eagles from winning the Super Bowl at this point: the New England Patriots and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Both of those teams have the two things that kill the Eagles: a strong 3-4 defense and tough, inside runners. I still think we're looking at a Patriots/Eagles Super Bowl, though. It will come down to the Steelers and Pats in Pittsburgh. Eventually (and to be honest I think we'll see this Sunday night when the Steelers go to Jacksonville) Bettis and/or Staley will be slowed enough so that Big Ben has to win the game on his own. He can do that against, say, the Bengals or Browns. The playoffs, though, are a different matter. Such a game would come down to Brady versus Roethlisberger. Personally, I'd take Brady.

You'll notice I don't say anything about the Colts. The Colts are a second tier team in this league. The Colts and Vikings are very similar: near impossible to stop in a dome, vulnerable in the cold on the road. With three losses, the Colts would get the third seed and a January trip to either Pittsburgh or Foxboro (maybe even both). There is no way they go into both of those hostile environments and win in back to back weeks.

As for the NFC...the Eagles should have this in the bag. They are far better than any other team in this league. If they stay healthy, they are the better team in any matchup that would come their way. The only chance they have of losing would be if, somehow, the Falcons were to obtain homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Playing the Falcons in the Georgia Dome is not a particularly easy task, though eminently doable. If the Eagles do not appear in the Super Bowl, it will be their biggest choke ever.

-400 level classes may be more work than lower level courses, but they're infinitely more interesting.

-Finally, if any of you have read this far, I am without New Years Eve plans this year. Seeing as how I'll be kicked out of my house, I'd appreciate knowing what everyone is up to.

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November 15th, 2004

There are two things I really need to get off my chest (or get off my chest again). The first is an issue of confusion and a feeling of loss. Over the last few weeks (thanks to a website called thefacebook.com), I've been in varying levels of contact with people I never thought I'd hear from again. In some cases, it was just a matter of losing touch. In another, it was probably just something she did to boost her friend count, seeing as how I've had no contact with her apart from the invitation to be her "friend." One, though, threw me for a loop when it happened.

I never expected to hear from Kelli again. Though I will not reprint my reaction when I heard from her for the first time in ten months, suffice it to say I was on the phone and it was rather comical. What I'm still grappling with, even now, is to what level do I forgive the outright disrespect shown to me, and to what extent do I need to be forgiven for not trying to talk this out and (likely) overreacting? Does she deserve another chance? Do I? Granted I'm probably overanalyzing this, but it's hard for me to cope. I'm a proponent of balance and steadiness, yet Kelli has always been the exception to the rule. I spent the first year or so that I knew her putting her on a pedastol. I've spent the last ten months demonizing her to an extent I've never been guilty of before. In between was a few years of fluctuations between these two extremes, with no stable balance between them. Right now, I'm lost on the matter. I don't even know how to approach this. Hopefully, the answer will come.

The second issue, one that deals with anger and frustration, is the election. George W. Bush was once again elected president of the United States. I voted for Kerry, and Kerry took PA. Thus, I feel like I did my job. I understand that Bush won, and that unlike last time (when Gore should have fought to the death to make sure every vote was counted) there was no doubt about it. I could argue that this was a victory of style over substance, of politics over policy. That Bush is president, however, is now fact. To an extent, I can even understand this. No, my problem is not with the president (in this instance), but with the American people.

At best, I disagreed with Bush philosophically. At worst, I believe he should be impeached for his handling of the Iraq situation. Realistically, I'm somewhere in between, though disagreement is closer to my opinion on most issues. Thus, if I disagree, it would stand to reason that other people would agree and, thus, vote for Bush. People have a relatively high opinion of Bush on issues like defense and terror, and I can respect that opinion though I disagree with it. Yet, when people went to the polls on the 2nd, it was not these important issues that effect us all that decided the votes, nor was it education, the economy, or anything else resembling an important issue. Instead, it was the most stupid, inane, and frighteningly ignorant stances on gay marriage and abortion that tipped the scales in W's favor. Essentially, these backwoods hicks decided that two people who love each other present more of a threat to their way of life than an attack on the US, a war, unemployment, or ignorance. Though it is not surprising these people do not fear ignorance (and have likely embraced it as a way of life), you have to figure, at some point, the thought occured to them that their lives may depend on more than whether a mother decides to end her pregnancy.

This atrocious attitude shows itself one more levels than merely the presidential. Two key senatorial races were decided on these issues as well. In Oklahoma, Dr. Tom Coburn was elected on his anti-abortion platform (even in cases of rape), stating that under todays morals, he probably would not exist. His great-grandmother, you see, was impregnated after being raped by the local sheriff. Since abortions were illegal, she was forced to have the baby. Given the end result, I believe this is a strong case for keeping abortion legal. After all, if it would have saved us from this turd it'd have been well worth it. Meanwhile, in South Carolina, Jim DeMint won his election after saying that gays should not be allowed to teach. When asked for clarification (read: when given an opportunity to retract his bullshit statement), DeMint further dug a hole for himself in the eyes of sane and rational people everywhere by stating he feels the same way about unwed, co-habitating mothers. We'll ignore for now the fact that this country is hurting for teachers to begin with and instead focus on this bigot's remarks, which is an insult to decent people everywhere. I'm a straight man who lives with his parents and I'M offended. Sadly, the rational people I refered to earlier do not live in South Carolina.

Bush won by carrying the south and the midwest with even the mere notion of these horrible platforms. Yet, whenever I talked to someone from these regions they all asked that the northeast and California not impose what they believe on them. I can understand this sentiment and even agree with it to an extent. Yet what they did in this election was to do just that to us. Such hypocrisy is not acceptable on any level. Perhaps the south and midwest should just leave the union. I think we'd all be happier that way. With four years until the next election, let's hope that America gets its act together sooner, rather than later.

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October 21, 2004

Yeah, yeah, it's been a long time since my last update. There are some things still in progress for the site that I swear will get done eventually.

Occasionally in my life, I have so much going on in my head that I can't sort it out. When this happens, I talk to the only known being who can help me sort this out: God. I talk to God upon occasion and find his advice to be reasonable, though a bit confusing at times. Anyway, when pondering this latest entry, with so much to say and no real way of saying it, I decided to ask for his help on the matter. This is what transpired:

ME: Hey God.

GOD: What is it this time?

ME: I have a few questions.

GOD: Of course you do.

ME: I had a fun time this summer in D.C. I learned a lot, met wonderful people, and found out where my life is headed over the next few years. Two things still bother me though. First, am I really too hard on myself (as Deena and others claimed) or was I just not around long enough for my warts to show through? Also, given what transpired, did I make the right decisions regarding Holly?

GOD: The answer to the first question is a little of both. Everyone has their bad qualities, just as everyone has good qualities. What we remember of other people has to do with both what we see and how they present themselves. You're going to think of yourself however you will, but understand that focusing on only your own negative qualities is no better than someone who focuses on only their good qualities. A narcissistic person is really annoying. Your attitude pisses people off just as much when you don't temper it with a little self confidence. You're the one who always preaches balance, so balance dammit!

With regards to Holly, you acted exactly how you always act in that situation. Standing on principle is admirable. You wanted to play it safe. You had a friend and didn't want to lose her. That's a good attitude to have. Occasionally, though, principle has to take a back seat to reality. Not every situation is the same. Maybe Holly was interested, maybe she wasn't. Maybe she would have gone out with you during the program, maybe the last night was just an abberation. Whatever the situation, the past is the past. Its done and over with. What you need to learn from this is that just because something is good doesn't necessarily mean its too good to be true. Someone, somewhere, will have interest. When that happens, you need to be receptive and flexible. If you're a tightass about some little thing here or there when that situation arises, the opportunity will pass you by. Just remember Ashley.

ME:Ouch.

GOD: Exactly. Most people learn that lesson after the first time. Eventually you'll get it. Everyone does in the end. Until then...well, expect more of the same.

ME:Yeah, I guess. The next thing I wanted to know is about my future.

GOD: We've been over this. I'm omnipotent and all knowing, but one thing I'm NOT is a fortune teller. That would ruin the surprise which, I must admit, is part of the fun of being me. Seeing people's faces when some unexpectedly great thing happens is one of my true joys in life. Of course, it's also fun to watch people get bad surprises as well.

ME: Geez...do I detect a little schadenfreude there?

GOD: Only a little, if they REALLY deserve it. Otherwise it's just an unfortunate necessity of my job.

ME: Fair enough. Anyway, I wasn't going to ask about anything specific, just whether I'm going in the right direction. Sometimes I just don't feel like I know where I'm going or what I'm doing.

GOD: You're 21. It's not like you need to know right now. In fact, you're in a good spot given your situation. You're going to grad school, have taken the necessary steps, and have an idea as far as where you want to go job wise. You don't need to know exactly what you're going to be doing in 15 years. Keep your focus on what you need right now and you'll do just fine.

As far as everything else, just know you grew up in a weird family. Your parents and sister may have settled down at 22, but most people don't. A lot of people don't even know the person they wind up with at 21. Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Each time an opportunity in life has presented itself (aside from what we discussed earlier), you see it and take advantage of it. That's why you're in a good spot now. When you were despairing about a lack of direction in school, you found the public policy course. When the internship came about, you went for it. When ILH needed a president, you stepped up. When the people who would become your Penn State friends tried to cheer you up after that miserable week you had, you not only didn't drive them away, you let them in. In each situation, your decision was rewarded. Sure, not everything goes your way. The GPA could be a little higher, and the GRE scores aren't what you wanted. In the end, they'll do the job. You'll get where you need to go, wherever that may be. Keep your eyes open and you will see the road in front of you.

ME: Wow...how...Zen like.

GOD: Quiet you.

ME: Okay, okay. Last question. Since spring break of my sophomore year, I've seen a lot of strange and unbelievable things happen: my mother getting cancer, my sister getting married, the complete 180 of my grades, the death of my dog, me asking someone out (though the rejection was expected), finding new friends, being put in a position of power, the abrupt end to my friendship with Kelli, turning 21, disowning my aunt and uncle, and getting ready to graduate college. As if to drive this point home further, the Red Sox came back from three games down to beat the Yankees in New York for the pennant.

GOD: Yeah...that was great. I remain neutral in all sporting events (no matter how often athletes invoke my name) but this is something I've been setting this up for a while now.

ME: It was an 86 year practical joke?

GOD: Nah. The first 50 years or so were just the natural course of history with a little bit of bad luck. After a while though, that Steinbrenner guy just started to annoy me. I knew that simply losing wouldn't put him in his place. That's why I set up the last 30 years like this. Besides...did you see A-Rod in games 6 and 7? Classic.

ME: There's that whole schadenfreude thing again. Anyway, with all these weird things happening, is this some not so subtle hint that anything can and will happen in life?

GOD: Well...not really. You should be prepared for anything. Nothing comes out of nowhere. Even when it seems like it does, there's always something there that makes it not completely unexpected. So long as you remember this, you'll be prepared for whatever comes.

ME:So anything can happen, within reason?

GOD: Yes, within reason.

ME: Even me getting a date before the end of college?

GOD: Don't push it.

ME: Yeah, yeah. Thanks God.

GOD: No problem. I don't mind listening. You don't ask me to do everything for you. That kinda gets old after a while. Oh...I do want you to do something for me.

ME:What's that?

GOD: Update your website. What's it been, three months? It's only a week and change until the election and you still don't have the political stuff up yet, plus you promised new eulogies.

ME: Well...ok. Why do you care though?

GOD: I don't. It doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

ME: Yeah...whatever.

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