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March 24, 2006

I don't normally use this space for political rantings.

I've created a separate section for my actual political beliefs and, aside from the stuff around the 2004 Presidential election, at no time have I ever dedicated an entire entry to politics.

That's about to change.

I've disapproved of the direction this country has headed in for a while. By this, I don't mean because the Republicans have had power for six years now (though I think part of the reason they do has to do with what I'm about to discuss). Actually, it goes back to the early 90s, when the Republicans took over Congress and voices like Rush Limbaugh started to gain unprecedented notariety.

Before this time, politics was seen as drab and boring. I remember seeing ads for Crossfire as a kid and thinking it was so far above my realm of understanding that I simply didn't pay attention to it. (This, as opposed to in its waning years, when I felt my younger self would have fit in quite well on that show). It was in the late 80s/early 90s that you really saw the voting campaigns aimed at the Gen-X crowd and campaigns slanted towards the younger generations. One reason that Bush (the First) lost the 92 election was because he was percieved to have "lost touch" with the common American.

This is, of course, the root of my problem with all of this. This populist approach to campaigning is, at its heart, a good thing. It includes more of the country and makes people feel like their voices are heard. The issue I have, though, is that politicians and pundits in general (and to be honest the Bush administration in particular) thinks "common" means "lowest common denominator." They rail against "ivy league" educated and the "Washington insiders." They (over)simplify issues and equate people who are not above refining their opinions to those who are "wishy washy" or "flip floppers." In other words, the definition of the "common" American has been changed from "average" to "lowest common denominator." Rather than being treated as a normal adult, the American voter has been cast as someone who needs to have all their decisions made for them.

For example, the campaigns against "indecency" in music, television and video games that has somehow been linked to school shootings. It doesn't surprise me that some nuts would link the two of them together...there have always been moralist extremists in this country going back to the Pilgrims and their presence will never go away. In moderation, such views add a little spice (no pun intended) to the culture and can aid in constructing a society that benefits everyone. This only happens, however, when it STAYS at the extreme and is balanced by extremists on the other side with an equal amount of pull (or at least some vague approximation of "equal.") The problem occurs when such ideas make their way into the mainstream. When this happens, politicians who paint themselves into a corner with their simplistic rhetoric have no choice but to jump on such a bandwagon. In essence, it's an easier position to explain and asks nothing of the public at large.

That last point, of course, has become a common theme in politics. Gone are the days when Americans were about sacrifice (beyond the brave men and women in uniform, including my friends John and Chris. I'm talking about sacrifice at home). Kids shooting up schools? Don't ask the parents to spend more time with their kids...you'll lose votes by blaming them. Blame the video games and music! That'll rally people to your cause. The same could be said with oil (for as much talking as Bush has done, there isn't a lot of evidence there's a ton of progress being made) and the economy (sorry, but Reaganomics worked because the economy at the time was utter shit and had nowhere to go but up. The economy might have been dipping at the end of the Clinton regime, but it was still infinitely better off than what we had in 1980. If people in this country weren't so infinitely bitchy about paying taxes AND needing money for various programs including defense, maybe we could get somewhere.). Politicians no longer ask anything of Americans because the voter has been conditioned to believe that its not their fault. God help whoever tries to tell the truth...they'll get creamed in the polls. So, Bush's problems are a result of a media "desperately" out to get him.

This can also be seen in those whiners who complain about "liberal bias" or "conservative bias." These arguments are crutches for those who can't simply stand up and say "I disagree." As I said in my politics outline, the media doesn't have a liberal bias...you have a conservative bias, mixed with the media's bias for getting ratings. Do you honestly believe that CBS would intentionally piss off half the potential viewers in this country in the name of a political belief? What about Fox News? THEY ARE FILLING A NICHE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, CHANGE THE CHANNEL AND THINK FOR YOURSELF. The same goes for the assholes at Penn State who complain about the professor's "bias." If they're docking your grades, you have an argument and you should take it to the dean immediately. I don't care who you are, you can't discount a reasonable view (particularly in Political Science) simply because you disagree. If it's just you being hurt over the fact that you don't like everything the professor says, deal with it. Use it to your advantage by discussing/arguing with them, thus refining your viewpoint and making your argument that much more effective.

(If one is to make an argument in this regard, it COULD be made that Fox News is specifically conservative. Really, though, if you assume that's true then it's only because it does to liberal viewpoints what they believe CNN and the New York Times do to conservative views.)

Another aspect of treating the voters like children is the way in which opinions have become so polarized. Either Bush is a warrior chief or Rainman. Either the war is unjust or those who don't like the war are traitors who don't care about the troops. Either wiretapping is keeping our country safe or a gross violation of privacy. Each and every one of those points is, to one degree or another, rediculous. Of course, when your political attention span is that of a goldfish, you generally can't process more than a few ideas at a time. As a result, everything becomes black and white and thinking (let alone changing your mind). This is why we have Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh, Al Franken and Bill O'Reilly. We've become a black and white culture, with the one who shouts the loudest winning. This explains the brilliance of both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, which calls politically charged shows (for both the left and right) on this particularly annoying habit.

As a result, we have elections decided by issues that aren't political. We have politicians who run more negative ads than positive ones. We have celebrities running for major positions (such as Schwarzenegger) because they know that name recognition counts more than actual views. With a former Apprentice contestant running for representative of my home district in PA and Lynn Swann running for Governor, this last point particularly resonates with me. Have we really forgotten that government is supposed to serve the people? How can they do that when they do nothing but play on our fears and our desire to do as little as possible? All they need to do is give us some measly tax cuts, tell us that our problems are caused by the enemy (or the other party) and we'll eat it up, asking for more.

It is said that you get the government you deserve. Until we think for ourselves and embrace some responsibility for where this country goes, things will continue as it is. As a nation, we deserve it.

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March 13, 2006

(This is generally the type of entry that gets me in trouble with people who don't understand. Normally, I'd put this on the friends only page. I thought, however, it belonged on the main page. I wanted it out there for anyone to see.

I suppose, then, that viewer discretion should be advised (particularly if you're not someone who's used to reading this page). It's also a little long, so snacks may be advisable.)

I've found the final piece.

It's taken years, and to be honest it's something that wasn't there to start with. Before I get into what it is, I'd like to thank those of you who have helped me reach this point by putting up with my bitching and moaning over the last few years (and longer, to those of you who have known me for (almost) my whole life). The woe is me crap is awful to listen to and I put you all through so much of it that I feel terrible for having done so. I sure as hell hate it when people do it to me and, every time I express that, I can't help but feel hypocritical. You guys are great friends in every sense of the word and deserve only good things in life. Still, if it weren't for the "woe is me" crap I pulled I never would have started on this road in the first place.

Okay, okay, so why I am I so damn giddy about this? Well, as with every piece of self discovery there's an inherent sense of accomplishment: the more we know ourselves, the better we become at tailoring how we live our lives to our true selves. The quizzes, the bitching, the commentaries, and the webpages have all been towards this end, to some degree or another. I don't think that process ever really ends for anyone, but I came to a conclusion tonight that, after a little research, I believe will allow me to finally close the book on the biggest thorn in my intellectual side.

"Get to the point!" I can hear you say. I will, though if you expected it this early in the entry you can only be classified as a naieve fool. Don't worry, that's okay...you'll know better next time. I'll do it as soon as I explain myself.

See, I've been trying to get to the bottom of what's wrong with me for ages. The date stuff gets the publicity because that's the one area of my life that has never really been successful, but deep down I knew that whatever was at the root of that was also the likely root of several other quirks. My procrastination, my constant apologizing, and my tendency to put myself down have all ranged from "odd" to "inexplicable". Sure enough, when I finally figured it out and was able to see the whole picture, these and many of my other traits started to make a lot of sense.

In one of my earlier commentaries, I told the story of how I woke up one morning to realize I'm a coward. Great. Fantastic breakthrough. Problem was, of course, that I had no idea what I was cowering from.

Many have suggested a fear of failure is the root of my current issues, but that explaination never really sat well with me. I could never put my finger on why, though. It's obvious to me that all this, in fact, did start with a fear of failure. I grew up in a house full of people who have excelled at whatever they put their mind to, and I've always felt the weight of those expectations. It's only natural to have some kind of thing with failure (fear or contempt) under those circumstances, and I wasn't mature enough to deal with it at the time. Fine. It happens, and it gets dealt with. My problem was that I began to create my own little world where I wasn't good enough for one reason or another and had to continually work to improve myself. In a sense, it motivated me to start down a different path than the anti-social one I was on for junior high and most of high school.

(It should be noted, by the way, that my efforts have resulted in who I am today, for better or worse).

That little world, no matter the benefits, had its price. I felt the need to consistently better myself, which almost inherently meant being dissatisfied with much of myself. To further motivate myself, I decided to hold my overweight, anti-social, tenth grade self as my self image. I hated myself then, and to a degree I still hate that I was that way. While the image did its job, it became who I was in my own head. I'd imagine that people saw me as this ugly kid who people didn't want to be around because he was mean and hated everyone. That's how you kill confidence. That's how you render self-esteem moot. Even as I started meeting new friends (as this method improbably began to yield results), I never really felt that I was any different than the loathesome image I had for myself.

So, yes, many of the problems I have found since I started this little inward journey many years ago root from that fear. I've been slowly cutting away the mental scar tissue and hacking through the cerebral jungle of neuroses. I updated my self image. I restored my confidence. I boosted my self esteem. I worked (and continue to work) on my weight, the only part of my looks I'm still not really satisfied with. I made myself a person that people like to be around and want to spend time with.

(You'll notice I used a TON of "I" statements. You guys...all of you, from my oldest friends to my newest, helped me get here. In the end, though, change always comes from within. Anyone who tries to change someone else is simply kidding themselves. We are all responsible for our own actions. This means taking the blame when something goes wrong, something I always at least try to do. It ALSO means being able to say "I did this" when it goes right. I'm trying to learn how to do that, and I can only hope that this is a start.)

So I dumped the baggage with a lot of hard work, some wailing and gnashing of teeth caused to myself and my friends, and an expectation of facing my fear of failure. The problem was, though, it wasn't there anymore.

When you create a culture of failure, to some degree or another, you remove the fear of it. My failure in dating has become one of my favorite punchlines. When you do that, though, you shed light on what you fear and give it a face. When you do that, there's not much more it can do to you. I had become so good, so used to failure in that one aspect of my life, that it doesn't scare me at all anymore.

This was all going through my head as I walked home from class on March 6th, as was the whole deal with Valerie (from GW...ask if you don't already know but want to know more). I was intrigued to find out what this new issue, this mental block that seemed so novel I couldn't even begin to describe it. Then I remembered an article (Penn State) Val showed me on flirting. Basically, it describes the earliest stages of flirting as a natural, almost subconscious process that is inherent in all animals. This was (relatively) news to me, since I wasn't aware of what constituted flirting until it was spelled out for me. Indeed, my first reaction upon reading most of it was, "Aww, shit! They WERE flirting with me after all!" Of course, it goes on to say that it's a sign of attraction when the signals are returned. As you may expect, I've made every attempt to not give anything away when I'm talking to a girl I like, thus rendering all flirting useless.

Why, though? I mean, I know why - I avoid conflict and don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Was it because I was afraid to be rejected? Is that why, sitting in a bar with two beers and 8-12 ounces of vodka (over a 5 hour period) in me, sitting next to someone I was interested in and had been flirting with me only a few weeks before, I STILL couldn't muster up the ability to turn and flirt with her (or, at least, start a conversation)? Would you call that inhibition? I think it's a bit extreme to call that simple inhibition, especially with the level of alcohol involved. No, it was something else entirely.

I had created a culture of failure, one where I found many friends and generally became pretty happy. The only thing left to fear, then, is the unknown.

I feared success.

It was the only logical conclusion. Why put off work? What end does putting myself down serve? What on Earth am I apologizing for? I've already seen the consequences of each of these. If I'm doing this out of a fear of failure, then I must be crazy because failure is a result I've had all too often from these attributes. Maybe, though, I was afraid that I'd find out that I succeeded: that I really hadn't lived up to my true potential (in every sense of the word) simply because I was happy and safe in the culture of failure I had established for myself. Sure I was playing russian roulette with my grades and annoying potential friends. I get by okay...and I have no idea what the alternative will bring.

Why not flirt? What could be worse than those times I've stepped aside and watched as the girl I liked found someone else? Failure? Been there. Done that. I know how to handle failure. The only girl I've ever told my feelings to (that I wasn't going out with) was someone who I already KNEW saw me only as a friend. It was safe because I knew what her reaction would be. With Valerie, someone who it actually could have succeeded, I couldn't even bring myself to say the words with a fair bit of vodka in me. The reason, I know now, was because it could have worked. That, more than anything else, scared the shit out of me.

I remember this one guy, all the way back in eighth grade, once got very angry at me in French class and said, "Oh yeah, well if you ever got into a room alone with a girl you wouldn't even know what to do with her!" It was stupid and petty, especially from someone who I had called a friend since elementary school, but it was also true. I STILL don't know what I'd do if I ever actually found someone. There wasn't much about either of my previous relationships that you could call completely normal, so I don't really have anything to go off of.

I guess, in the end, I'm afraid of having to move out of my comfort zone by finally living up to the family name. Work, school, friends, women...I'm doing alright, for the most part. It's time to kick it all into high gear. I can do better. I can be a better friend. I can look harder for a job (and, when I find one, for a better job). I can try harder in school. Sure I don't know what will happen. Just like I don't know what will happen when, finally, I meet the girl that will end all of this incessant bitching.

I may not know where I'm going, or what it'll be like when I get there. I do think, though, that it's time I finally found out.

Oh...one last thing. Since I mentioned research, I actually found an article on the fear of success. You can read it HERE.

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March 1, 2006

Over the last month or two, I've seen some changes in people I'm not ashamed to say that I don't particularly condone.

What does that mean, exactly? Does it mean I'm tired of dealing with these people? Does it mean these people are, inherently, jerks that I shouldn't have dealt with in the first place? Does that mean I feel like I'm wasting my friendship on people that don't deserve it? To all, I respond in the negative. All of these, however, are typical of what I'm talking about: rampant overreaction.

In other words, everyone needs to calm the hell down.

For the most part, given where a lot of my Penn State friends are in their lives, it is understandable to see such (over)reaction. Many of my friends are a year younger than me and are going through the process I went through when I graduated (or, in some cases, dealing with the graduation of others). It's a trying time. I know. Still, people would do well to remember these things (and I address this to anyone who reads this, simply because these are good things to remember):

- You don't have to apologize for who you are. More over, you don't have to apologize for who your friends are. Both of these, ultimately, are on you and you don't have to account for any of it. This isn't to say that, if they express a concern, you shouldn't give your point of view. Merely that each person has a certain amount that is up to them (and only them) to determine. Once they do, they'll carry on.

- Listen to what people have to say. Ninety percent of arguements that I've witnessed ever have stemmed from the fact that people just refuse to listen to what they're being told. I'm guilty of this too, I know, but if someone says "I need this" then don't turn around and give them something else. Give them what they say they need or walk away. There are certain exceptions to this, but such genuine examples are few and far between. When I had a mild addiction to caffiene my freshman year, I thought I "needed" things like pepsi and mountain dew at all hours of the night. It wasn't until people started insisting on me drinking water more often that I slowly started to move off of the bad stuff. Those with similar problems would be wise to follow the advice of their friends.

- Advice is a two way street. Don't assume that your advice is the be all, end all of existance. This goes back to point one. That said, if you're only asking people because you want to hear something specific, do everyone a favor and slap yourself...preferably as hard as you can. You likely just saved yourself the trouble of your friends doing just that (either to themselves or to you). Advice is friendly help that may or may not provide some clarity. If it does, say thank you and take the advice. If it doesn't, say "thank you, but that doesn't really help." This will go a long way to keeping bridges from burning.

- Finally, before you get into an argument about something, STOP AND THINK. Is this REALLY worth getting upset over? Will I regret this later? Is it worth expending the energy to be upset over this? Is there another way to go?

I swear, if this happened, I'd be a lot happier. It's likely you'll agree with me.

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February 17, 2006

Two years ago, on this very day, I wrote an entry that I consider to be the first decent to good commentary I've ever written. Its premise was simple enough: saying goodbye to two people who at the time appeared to be leaving my life. As it turns out, neither has fully left. Their presence, though, has been the only thing about them to stay the same in that period of time. It didn't hit me until rereading that entry how far I've come since then. Even then, on the cusp of something that was so new and intriguing, you couldn't pay me to believe that I'd be the person I am today. I guess, then, it started with that entry. (Actually, I should say it started just before hand, when I fell into that group after what had been a really hard September for me. That winter, I hung out with them in Krissy's Allentown home and watched movies, a day/night that would solidify my status with them and, for the first time, made me feel like a part of that particular group.)

At the time (or just before) I wrote that entry, Kelli was one of my best friends. Yes we had our differences (mostly stemming from our relationship which ended a few years prior), but I always felt she was there for me when I needed her. It just wasn't her style to be there when I DIDN'T need her...at least not consistently. What happened then was, simply, I got tired of one of my best friends acting like she didn't want the job. Many of my high school friends often wondered how much I'd put up with from her, and I had finally reached that point.

See, Kelli did me a favor by ordering a copy of a game that wasn't in wide circulation anymore, one that I had played at her parties on more than one occasion with great enjoyment (Apples to Apples). I forgot to pick it up at her winter party and I really wanted to have it before going back to school for spring term. When I tried to arrange a time to pick it up, she was standoffish at best (even her other friends started to notice how oddly she was acting) and was downright belligerant when I had to practically force her to let me come over to pick up the stupid thing. I've already described what happened then (no eye contact, barely any acknowledgement I was there, constantly playing Halo, etc) before I left.

Val, on the other hand, was someone I only kinda knew. I knew she was in my Comparative Lit class (with the crazy German/Morroccan lady) my sophomore year, but I never talked to her in that class. It wasn't until I moved into ILH that I really got to know her at all, and even then I wasn't as much friends with her as I was with Kat, Jeremy, Krissy, and Marc. As I was starting to find out who she was beyond being someone my new friends knew, she withdrew from Penn State to pursue other endeavors.

The whole thing bothered me and I wrote an entry on it. Fine. That's why this page exists in the first place.

It was only after reading that entry again recently that I really reflected on how things have changed. I didn't hear from Kelli for months...almost a year after the incident that prompted the entry in the first place. I still talk to her occasionally, but never as in depth as we used to. I haven't actually seen her since she attended my grandmother's funeral (hey...not everything changed. She's always been there when someone's needed her), though we were supposed to hang out over break. I got busy and forgot. I kinda feel like a jerk for doing it, but it just doesn't feel like as big of a deal as it would have once. Val, on the other hand, came back to State College for my senior year. She was one of the first people I saw that year (the same day she met her boyfriend, Scott) and since then I've gotten to know her a lot better. Val, like all of my friends from Penn State, was there for me every day of last year (and this year, when I've needed them), whether something big was going on or not.

In other words, they've switched roles. My "best friend" was relegated to a role which suits her better: namely, one where she doesn't have to do anything unless she wants to. Meanwhile, the girl I barely knew has taken the mantle I envisioned for Kelli back when we decided to be friends: a female confidant who could balance the advice and thought process brought about by my other friends, regardless of gender.

Therein lies the interesting part of all of this, at least to me. See, for a long time I NEVER would have let that happen. I would have kept trying to pound the square peg into the round hole with a sledgehammer, just to keep Kelli in the position she was in. Meanwhile, I almost certainly would have shrunk away from the Penn State friends for whatever bizzare rationalization I could come up with. Even if I continued to hang out with them, I'd never consider them level or above any friends I had made previously. In essence, it was at that time I stopped equating duration with loyalty and tenure with friendship. Granted, most of my friends up until that point had shown a great deal of both loyalty and friendship, so for the most part that realization didn't directly change much. No, instead what it changed was that I felt something for the first time I hadn't felt in a long, long time.

It was this feeling that continued to grow over the last few years, allowing me to break through into grounds I never before thought was possible. That feeling has led me to more success at this point in my life than I've ever seen, with my prospects only going up. It was this feeling that seemed to grow until it broke through during my trip to State College.

Since I've graduated, the group of friends that I always speak so glowingly about has been slowly breaking apart into different factions. I'm not happy about this, but it's part of life and it's dealt with. Yet, despite the degree to which different of my friends didn't get along, I still got to see each and every one of them, at one point or another, without any real (serious) incident. In fact, it may have been my all time favorite trip to State College (barring, possibly, the Pittsburgh game during 9th grade and the Ohio State game in October...certainly my favorite non-football related trip). I never questioned that it would work, despite everything. I always felt in control.

That's when I knew the "big" thing had finally occurred: I finally had confidence. Traditionally, I had none. I never had the confidence to stand up to my friends (without going overboard, which has nothing to do with confidence). I certainly never had the confidence that I could change, or become social, or whatever. It NEVER happened. Yet, that weekend, it did.

I wasn't exactly sure what it was until the next weekend, when I got together a last minute Super Bowl party with some of my GW friends (Ed, Nilanka, Ben, and Neil) who seemed to have a pretty good time. As cool as it was, I never would have thought to get everyone together at my place even a half a year ago. I never would have been an organizer. Yet, there I was, hours before the super bowl, buying snacks and drinks and hoping everything turned out well.

That's what confidence does...confidence that isn't limited to a single area. Now all I have to do is figure out how to use it.

I've taken the next step. Let the new era begin.

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February 1, 2006

Okay, so this should possibly be in the "friends only" section given that it was this type of thing that got me in trouble in the first place. Still, I think it's fun.

My friend Val posted on her site Maxim Magazine's 100 facts about women and responded to each of them. Now, as a guy, I don't have that much to say. Some of them, though, were too perfect for me not to say something. If you're interested in seeing the whole list or a woman's take on these things, click here. Here, though, are the highlights.

95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.

You learn something new every day.

94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn't get along with other women because she's either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.

Now I have female friends who don't (or didn't) have any girlfriends of their own. How "batshit crazy" or "mean" they are is up for debate, but either way they're good people. I don't agree with that at all.

93. Girls who say, "I love sports!" are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they're talking about, are not.

Possibly true, though they don't factor in the possibility of a need to specify a game: a football or hockey game on the same day or if the guy and girl root for different teams. Both of my ex-girlfriends to this day root for different teams than I do.

88. "If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late." -Claire, 27

Damn. I've either been calling the next day or never (and no the "never" is not out of playing games, but from being too nervous or embarrassed to call. I'm just that stupid sometimes).

83. Women always want to believe what you�re saying is true.

I should hope so, because I'm not someone who typically lies. I'll get into that point later, but I deal with people honestly and wouldn't want anyone to think I was doing otherwise. It's just easier that way.

73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.

I think Val put it quite well here:

"This is just dumb. This suggests that having a friendship with a woman is worthless unless you're getting laid. If I ask a favor from my guy friend, that means that I'd be there for him if he should ever need me. If friends asking each other for help in times of need equals "using people" then, sure, I guess."

If I'm helping someone, it's because I want to, not because I think I could get some out of it.

70. Unless they're lesbians, she won't approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they're ugly. And, really, even if they're lesbians.

This better not be true, since I have way too many female friends to just drop over a girl. Besides, I wouldn't put up with that kind of attitude anyway.

67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you'll be "friended."

You're talking to the reigning King of the Friend Zone (now accepting members of all genders!). I don't need two dates for that to happen. Hell, I don't need any!

64. An online dating service's survey found that a woman's ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.

This requires no response on my part.

62. A British study claims a woman's chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.

Neither does this.

61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.

If this is seriously true, please let me know. I'm one of those people who always wants to help, so I always attempt to offer solutions.

51. Don't call her "cute." In her mind it's the same as "not vomit-inducing." "Sexy," OK. "Hot," yes. "Fucking awesome," only if she's at least slightly buzzed.

Oops. That's my general reaction, though I'm not someone who ever mentions to a girl that I think that about them, so I've never exactly gotten in trouble over it.

41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about someone else's opinion.

This confuses me, though I've never minded short hair.

28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn't know.

I include this simply to make a point: I'd always prefer someone who was comfortable with who they were than someone who thought they needed surgery to change themselves in some drastic way.

25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.

Not likely.

24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.

I'd love to see what the definition of good but flawed man is. I'm guessing attractive jerk, but am willing to hear arguments to the contrary. If I'm right though, it's sentiments like these that will eventually lead me to joining a monastery...of agnosticism, but still.

22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

Only included because of the Anchorman reference, which is astounding. Good job, Maxim!

20. All women think they're smarter than their partners in some significant way.

They can think whatever they want. I think I'm smarter than my sister despite the fact that she's a doctoral student who is getting a full ride. Why? Simple: she married Mark.

18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.

I'm not likely to complain...unless it's insanely retarded or has Hugh Grant. Not much difference I know, but it's there I suppose.

17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.

No, but diplomacy is. Honesty is only as good as the tact used to temper it.

15. Girls don't want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.

They don't? Aww.

11. She likes one of your friends.

Quite possibly. Wouldn't be the first (or, indeed, second) time.

9. The minute she decides she's even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.

There's something wrong with this? Look, I'd rather have someone who was too interested than not interested enough, and I'm not going to make someone paranoid that they're "going too fast" in their mind. This just doesn't bug me...assuming it's ever happened.

8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L'Oreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).

See the above about "being comfortable with yourself" though I know that it's hard to say one way or another. I just think naturally dark hair is sexier just for the fact that it is natural.

6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That's your five o'clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we're not suggesting you shave.)

The goatee is staying people...for a long, long while. Stuff like that isn't going to change it.

2. Buying a present for your girl? She'll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.

I'm hopeless when it comes to picking out gifts. If my hypothetical girlfriend were to have such a problem, she might want to remember three things:

a) I'm giving something, and that should be something in and of itself
b) I'm going to do my hardest to get something she likes, which is made easier if she just tells me what she wants
c) If nothing else, at least I'm not bringing her along to pick out her gift (and yes I've done that before, albeit not with a girlfriend).

I'm just saying.

So I thought this was interesting anyway. If nothing else, I think this just confirms that I'm a weirdo. That's okay, though...so are all my friends.

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January 20, 2006

Something big is coming.

Before any of you ask, I honestly do not know the answer to any of the following questions:

-What is it?
-When is it coming?
-Why is it big?
-How big is it?
-Will we care?
-Will you care?
-How will we know?

Well, that's not entirely true. I do know the answer to the last one: you'll know because I tell you. I promise. If it has to be on the other page, so be it.

Beyond that, though, I have no idea why I feel this way. It's just an inkling I have. There's something that's about to happen. I know there is. I can't describe it any more specifically, but if you've ever had the feeling before you will know what I'm going through.

I'd like to think I could somehow be prepared for this, but how do you prepare for the unknown? Will it be something that I can go to my friends (and, in a nod to those that do in fact read this, family) about? Yes...depending on what the situation is. I'm blessed to have people I can count on in virtually any given situation to provide guidance or a little well intentioned humor. At the same time, if it involves one of my friends and is of an extremely personal nature (like what happened last semester) I may certainly restrict information or only talk to certain people about this. The likelihood of events of that magnitude occurring even once was remote to the point of being nonexistent, so such a thing happening twice is impossible, right?

Right?

(Sigh.)

Will it be something that happens here in DC? I have to say that, if this is the case, it would be a first. Sure I've gone through a semester of grad school, met new people, and started the process of making new friends. Still, I can't help but note how unchanged I feel by the whole process. I apparently dropped about 15-20 lbs (which I've been steadily regaining, but still) last semester, but other than that I still feel like the same person. That just doesn't seem right somehow. I'm living on my own, doing everything for myself...so why don't I feel more independent, more mature, more reckless, more careful...more something? Hell, I'd take less something at this point. That "little more confidence...little more anger" bit has apparently indefinitely delayed its arrival, because every time I feel like asserting myself I don't. The rare time I do (like at home over break) I'm made to feel like I took a step backwards rather than forwards and, given the situations where that has happened, I'm not inclined to disagree. It doesn't sound like any long term harm was done, and assuming that's true so much the better. It just may be a long road still in front of me before the next step in my evolution is complete.

Will the "big whatever" contribute to my evolution? Obviously that remains to be seen. I guess in a way I hope it does. Change, while sometimes painful, is almost always necessary. When you are open to change, you can adapt to whatever challenges lie ahead of you. When you don't, you become the 2005 Philadelphia Eagles. Sad, but true.

Will it be positive or negative? Of course I hope it's positive, because negative things suck. Especially after last year, though, which was such an emotional roller coaster on so many levels, some good news would go a long way to helping me get this new year started the right way. The best thing to happen to me this semester was being accepted to GW, but that was sadly one of a very few bright spots in the middle of a very dark time. Like I said in my last commentary, I wasn't proud of how I handled everything during that time...except that I tried not to bring others in where I didn't feel it was necessary. I hate burdening people with my problems, despite the fact that I do like others to talk to me about theirs. I recognize, however, that sometimes I do need to lean on people and, in some cases, such a reliance on others could mean that I mess up or get hurt. That's life. That's what going through a rough patch does. That's why I'd be even more thankful than usual for some significantly good news...none of that comes into play. Here's hoping, regardless, that 2006 turns out better than 2005.

With all that considered, I can only hope that I am able to handle whatever it is that life is about to throw at me. Then...well, then there's the monkey wrench that causes all my planning, all my speculating, and all my postulating to go to shit:

Will it happen at all?

That�s the worst part. Sure I feel like I'm standing under a tsunami, looking up as it's about to crash down on me...but I could be hallucinating. These instincts, if that's what they are, could be going off for no reason. It wouldn't be the first time (I think). If I am right, and there is something...well, buckle up everyone. I get the feeling it'll be an interesting ride this semester.

(Now watch, nothing happens and I look like an idiot. At least it�s a role I play well.)

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January 12, 2006

I hope you all enjoy the new format for the commentary page. I'd been thinking about changing the page for a while and figured that was the best way to do it. It'll make it easier to look at old entries (if anyone but me would even care to do that) and, if nothing else, will keep the current page a little cleaner.

I took the Myers-Briggs personality test, and I was surprised by the results. For those who don't know, the MBTI measures personality based on four dichotomies: Introvert/Extrovert, Sensing/Intuitive, Thinking/Feeling, and Perceiving/Judging. My personality was Extrovert Intuitive Feeling Judging (though I tied between thinking and feeling, the tie apparently goes to the latter). Basically, it means I'm attuned to the emotions of others and can work to get everyone involved. I'm also relatively decisive. I don't know how well that fits me (I'd like to think it does, but hey). Given that it apparently plays a role in my 204 class, it better be accurate. I could be in trouble otherwise.

The only other thing I have to say at this time is my utter disappointment at two individuals. Around this time last year, in an effort to keep ILH alive in the face of an election cycle in which no one ran, I scrambled to put together an officer corps that could do the job for another year. It was my hope that this group, even if they didn't like each other, could at least work together for the better interest of the floor and get it to a point where a more willing group would take over. Given that the only person who expressed interest, Joel, would be out of the country the first half of the year, that pretty much left three and a half (after some structural rearrangement) positions to be filled. Joel would cover the second half as president so, despite the fact that I wanted to leave the position, I stayed on for one more semester as ILH president. I asked for favors from two people who I respect (Bohdan and Krissy) to cover each semester as treasurer (Spring and Fall, respectively). To fill the other two positions, in hopes of getting some new blood and creating some sort of foundation to help ILH progress beyond my tenure, I asked the two freshmen who really showed the most enthusiasm and creativity at every ILH event I attended.

Brittany and Chris seemed like such logical choices, such no brainers, that I had to ask them. They seemed to get along, they were always at ILH events, and both of them (especially Brittany) really contributed something unique to the floor. Perhaps my first mistake was mistaking Brittany for Krissy. I put way too much on her plate by consolidating three positions into the secretary position. Whereas Krissy, who by any account is a glutton for work and responsibility, had no problem in this role, 90% of people would indeed have a problem.

This, of course, set the stage for all of the problems that ILH as a whole (and I, personally) experienced in spring of 2005. There was a complete communications breakdown on everyone's part to start. My problems during that time have been well documented, so I don't feel the need to go into them. This caused a lot of complications that exposed and exacerbated the lack of communication to a point where Brittany had had enough (which, in reacting to her, led me to having enough as well). It took a few emails and a relatively intense conversation to get everything squared away. By the time everyone was on a similar page, the semester was over. I left, Jai left, and Bohdan stepped down. A new group was set to take over.

I wasn't there, obviously, so I don't know what happened. I do know that Brittany left soon after the start of the new semester and Alex took her place as secretary. I'm amazed it took that long, to be honest. I don't know much about how the rest of the semester has gone, other than it never really seemed like things were the same. No one really knows this, but I paid a visit to ILH back in September. Granted it was a few hours before a football game, but the floor was flat out dead. There were always stragglers or people just hanging out, but there was none of that this time. It was obvious it was not a real happening place, and from what I've heard its only gone down hill since.

It's only been recently I've heard of the reason for this, and that brings me back to the two people who I'm disappointed in. The first one I'm disappointed with is me. I should have exercised better judgment in piecing together an officer corps that could have done a better job. I see now the flaws in my decision making process, though the only excuse I will offer is that my options were limited and I was working in a small window of opportunity. I needed people, and fast. Still, ultimately I was the one who pushed these people into positions they didn't want, couldn't handle, or simply didn't do. That means the buck for that stops with me.

The other person I'm disappointed with is my successor, Joel. As the only person to actually volunteer, as such, for his position, I never really considered his ability to lead. What I've discovered in talking to people is that there may have been nothing to consider. ILH had a lot of things that needed to be fixed: decreasing membership, lack of activities, and other things that may or may not be problems depending on your point of view. One thing that wasn't a problem was the point system, which was one of the few shreds of legitimacy left in what is supposed to be a special living option. When I arranged for Joel to become president, I never expected that he would focus his time and energy on that point when there was so much else to be done. Apparently, most of the board quit or gave up and there is no new officer corps. When I asked why this was, one person told me that all Joel cared about was having power. That's just wrong, in my opinion.

Of course, I could be wrong. It could be someone else's fault. If that's the case, please let me know. I'd hate to be ripping on someone I think is a decent guy for the wrong reasons. I do know that even one committed person is enough to keep things moving in ILH. The fact that that number has apparently dropped to zero reflects poorly on leadership. That extends to both myself and to my successor. It's just a shame that neither of us could do the job.

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January 6, 2006

So I suppose its been a while since I updated. The response to Kevin and Ada's livejournal was originally supposed to be an entry, but I figured it should be kept to those who actually wanted to read it.

I've been pretty busy lately and haven't had much time to post. A brief rundown:

- 12/24 - Dinner with family (including brother in law and sister), presents, family friends' for post Christmas Eve mass party.

-12/25 - Dinner with my mom's family...(almost) all of it. Hosting a 16 person dinner (with others coming for dessert) is quite the task if you've never done it.

-12/26-27 -Atlantic City trip with Dad and Mark. The second annual boxing day trip ended with me once again winning money (even if it was only $15), though I came home with a cold that would plague me for the rest of the week. Dinner at Red Square (a Russian themed establishment) and a great night at the Comedy Club at the Tropicana (with movie nerd humor!).

- 12/27 - Dinner with my Uncle Lou after getting home from AC only a few hours prior. Another production

- 12/28 - Breakfast with Lou, then entertaining my Canadian relatives (who spent the night) as well as my godfather (my Uncle Art) and his family (who didn't). Dinner, presents, more fun times.

- 12/29 - Breakfast with the Canadians and a full day in Allentown with most of the eastern PA PSU crew. It was awesome seeing everyone again. Thanks to Kat, Krissy, Jer, Heather, and Ry for an awesome time. Lunch, board games, purchasing more dvds, and Hackers. Fun times for one and all.

- 12/30- Hanging out with parents for the day (lunch at Josephs-fun times) then dinner, Valiant, and drinks with Val and Scott. Once again, another awesome time thanks to people I don't see nearly enough. Damn distance. To all of the crew: thanks for spending time with me and putting up with my venting. I really needed it.

- 12/31 - New Years Eve. Dave and Busters (including dinner), then to Jaymie's for Family Guy, dessert, poker, and Apples to Apples until midnight.

- 1/1 - Went home (after getting gas and hearing from Kelli), packed up, drank red bull, picked up Dan, and headed to the airport. We got there at 3:50 am, or about a half hour before the airport employees arrived. Our flight (a charter, woot) was smooth. The room, however, wasn't ready until 12:30. So, Dan and I simply waited out in the Miami sunshine until it was ready. This was, of course, after the driver got lost going from the airport to the hotel (Sofitel). This was a guy driving a bus who couldn't even get us out of the airport!

After settling in and failing to sleep for more than an hour, Dan and I got our first taste of South Beach. Fun times to be had by all. We hit a few souvenir stands, as well as a few bars. We settled into a place called Finnegan's Way on Ocean Drive to watch the Eagles/Redskins game before realizing that it was, in fact, the South Beach Redskins bar. Other than that, it had decent food. We stopped by the Clevelander a few blocks down for a drink. Apparently, it was the official PSU alumni bar in South Beach. More fun times.

1/2 - Woke up early for the Everglades tour. The airboats were actually pretty cool. Gators were everywhere. Line of the trip came from the walking tour, as our guide explained the appeal behind watching gators.

"The predators always get the best ratings on Discovery Channel because we're fascinated by them. If you were to put a shark in a tank or a lion in a cage, you'd get a whole crowd of people. You'd get the same crowd for an alligator, but the crowd would react to much less movement because the gator is just so patient. All the gator has to do is move one leg and everyone goes 'OOOOOOOOH.'"

Then it was back to Miami Beach for the Alumni pep rally. Pretty cool with lots of people. I saw Brittany for the first time since leaving Penn State, adding an odd twist to the day. The PA system didn't really work, though. The only person who could be understood using it was Joe Pa, whose speech is relatively incomprehensible without a relatively incomprehensible system. I guess they just cancelled each other out. Then it was back to the Clevelander for more drinks, dinner, and Ohio State/Notre Dame.

-1/3 - Game day. Slept late, took the bus to the alumni barbecue (catered by the Hard Rock Cafe) where we ate and drank (free Killian's!), then off to the game. We had a police escort through some of the more interesting parts of Miami...you know, the parts that don't generally show up on tour routes. Our seats were in the upper deck in the corner of one end zone and we could still see everything. There were a few FSU fans in our section, but it was mostly PSU fans in the stadium (about 60/40 if I had to guess). The game was, of course insane, though I lost the awesome souvenir pin I had bought.

Oh, and Krissy: I didn't boo the FSU band...at least until they did the "chop." Then all bets were off.

- 1/4 - Pack up and move out. Got home around 8 ish in time for the Rose Bowl...damn Texas.

So yes, busy, busy stuff. If you're wondering why I haven't been around, now you know.

Since it's getting a little long (and a little late), I'll close with a New Years Resolution. When I was asked for one, my initial response was to tell my friends to, politely, stick their resolution somewhere. I figured, though, that I should probably come up with something. I thought about it for a bit and finally came to something that they'd let me off the hook with: I resolved not to die. It seemed kinda cheap, but I didn't know what else to do.

As I thought more about it, though, I thought about what had gone on in the last year. I thought about my friends and everything I had tried to do for them. I thought about those that had been lost. I thought about how, despite some fun times, I wanted this year to end and, even more specifically, why. It became clear what I should resolve to do, because it was the one thing that caused more trouble than any other in 2005. It's something I'm sure my friends will thank me for and would argue I should have resolved this last year, in time to save the effort and frustration that followed.

I, Andrew Henry, hereby resolve for the year 2006 to be less involved in the lives of others. No matter what good I think I'm doing, I'm just as likely to be doing an equal amount of harm, both to myself and to those involved. Instead, I'm going to see what happens when I put the same energy that I put towards other people�s relationships into myself. The results should certainly be interesting.

(Oh...for those of you who are wondering: yes, I have already broken it. I'm such a pushover.)

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