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August 25, 2006

So it's been over two months since my last update, and I have heard some complaints. Let me, at least, attempt to defend myself by saying I've been quite busy with a fair few things. First and foremost among these is my internship, which I will get into later. I've also been enjoying my summer, with numerous trips back home, to State College, and to Crofton MD. Mostly, though, this summer has been about kicking back and relaxing (when I didn't have either class or work) and hanging out with all of my friends. Due to certain events, such as the goings on with my friend Jaymie, this had proven much more difficult than I had anticipated. In the end, though, everything (mostly) worked out, and my summer has been a great deal of fun. I'll also defend myself by saying that I know you guys didn't want me to rehash the same shit I've been complaining about for upwards of a year or so. I wanted to do you the favor of talking about something new. I hope you appreciate it.

It wouldn't be a proper entry, though, if I didn't have something to complain about (or, I suppose, at least ruminate over). The fact is that I've also grown up a bit this summer (and not simply because I turned 23). I'm not sure exactly what brought it on (though I certainly have a decent idea), but I do, at least, think I can explain it.

Think of a wall. A brick wall. With fake brick wallpaper over it, so you can tell your friends "Touch it, it feels real!"

(If you get that reference, you are my new favorite person).

That wall to me represents the future. We want to see what's ahead for each of us and we want to see it now. The problem is, of course, that we can't. To whatever degree anyone can actually predict the future is simply a matter of seeing a bigger picture and understanding how things come together. That brick wall, in essence, is the block which keeps us from seeing how parts of our lives piece together to form our future.

I'd love to sit here and say I know what's on the other side, just as much as I think most people would. It'd mean I could see where I'm going, to gain validation, or to avoid possible mistakes I'd make along the way. Of course, I can't say any such thing. You simply don't look through a brick wall. If you're lucky, though, you get to take a peek on the other side.

I'd like to think I've at least figured out some bits of my life, even if I don't really know what it means yet or why. For instance:

- I know that my future, for better or worse, lies in DC. At the very least, it's where I belong for now. When I was looking at colleges for undergraduate, I found myself with a difficult decision between George Washington and Penn State. In reality, it shouldn't have been as difficult of a decision as it was. Sure I was a political science major, but with my pre-existing knowledge of Penn State and the fact that I grew up in a Penn State household (coupled, of course, by an inherent desire to attend that school) it SHOULD have been a no-brainer. I think, in part, the reason I agonized over it for a while was that I knew, somehow, that I was going to wind up here eventually. This, mind you, would also explain why I had less conflict over my graduate school decision. After one year in DC, it is abundantly clear that I made the right move. The question I now must ask is "Where do I go from here?" I'll get to that in a minute.

- For the first time in a long time, I feel somewhat comfortable with myself AND where I'm headed. I still don't have the whole confidence thing down, but let's face it: I had a LONG road ahead of me on that one. The fact that I don't have to remind myself of my own worth as often speaks volumes to me about the progress I've made. Believing I have something to contribute can only mean good things as my life starts to piece together. It also means that I now trust myself to feel whatever it is I want to feel, be it happiness, anger, or whatever. It felt for a while like all of my emotions were on mute (or, at least, muted). I guess it's telling when you watch "Garden State" and can relate to the main character's problems despite never going on any kind of medication (well, besides a brief stint on sinus meds, but that's not what we're talking about here). Finally, it's allowed me to find some motivation. I've said in the past that it seemed like my motivation was making other people happy even at my own expense. I'll grant you that some of the events of the past year have played a significant hand in that, but it's also due to me finally finding the connection I was looking for. I kept saying I wanted to make my friends and family happy, but I'm lucky enough to have friends and family who really want to see ME happy. I think it's well past time (as noted by the number of times I've said this in the past) that I stop giving my friends what I THINK they want and start giving them what it is they really want from me.

(...and Jeremy, consider yourself hit.)

- Those bring me to the point of this whole entry, and what I'm currently trying to piece together.

With a year left of school, I've turned my attention to figuring out what I want for a career. It's obvious to me that I am getting the degree that I'll need for my life's work. I even have a decent idea of what I'd like to do - either manage a non-profit organization/program or work in the executive branch (which, it should be noted, I can go back and forth between the two if I so choose). My current angst is directed at what I'm doing now.

I'm currently an intern for the Blue Cross Blue Shield National Labor Office. Right now, my job is to look up information online and check it against their databases. The people seem to like me there, to the point where I just found out my tenure has been extended and I'm (possibly, eventually) looking at my first full time office job. The work is hardly entertaining but, then again, most work isn't. I can certainly do what they want me to do, so I'm getting paid to do something I can do and do well. It seems like a great position to be in.

So why do I feel uncomfortable?

I feel like, pretty soon, I have a choice coming up. I have my position now. It's as safe as safe gets. It's also not what I want for my life.

It goes back, I suppose, to something my internship mentor said and something a BCBSA lobbyist told me when I met him. My mentor said to think of jobs early in my career as building skill sets. Given my knowledge of things like Word, Excel, and SPSS, the skills I need are experience-based. At this job, I can get experience in spades: labor unions, health care, office experience, etc. What the lobbyist told me, though, was that people in this company tend to stay there for a long time (or, from what I understand from the most recent departure from the NLO, leave in grand, dramatic fashion). I know this isn't what I want long term, but what I don't understand yet is what will bridge my experience now to where I ultimately wind up career wise.

Of course, this in and of itself is not the main problem. I know that I'm in a good spot right now and I'm not going to give that up for anything less than a significant step forward. My issue is that it is becoming an epidemic in my life. I'm trying so hard to see beyond the wall...to find out how this connects to everything else I'm doing...that I'm losing sight of what I'm supposed to be doing NOW.

I'm not sure what to do about that. I'd love suggestions. For now, though, it'll be a struggle for me to stop looking ahead, past graduation, past dating, past finding a full time job, past living my life for the people and things that are present now. I just hope I can do it without hitting the wall too often.

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June 14, 2006

So first off, a few site related announcements and an apology.

I'll be cleaning house on this site soon. By that, I mean I'll be restructuring/updating a few things (the extras page will likely be changed, the politics page will be updated, and pics will (hopefully) be added if I can find them). Also, a few pages will be deleted. The fiction page, which was a great idea at the time, will likely be moved into the extras page due to the fact that I got out what I wanted to get out of that. I'm also getting rid of the "...of the Week" section because, frankly, I haven't had the time and energy to do weekly updates (and only a few people were looking at them anyway...the page was for the benefit of my readership more than my own, so it doesn't make much sense to keep it around). If you want any of the items formerly contained within these sections, please let me know.

Now, the apology: I've been pretty busy and haven't updated over the last month or so. I've kinda had my hands full lately and really just didn't know what to write. It wasn't until I had a discussion with my parents that a light finally went on.

For those who don't know, I was just recently hired for an internship at the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Association. I start next week. The day I found out I was hired, I put in a call to my parents to end the endless game of email/phone tag I was playing with them. They were both happy I finally found something, though in two different ways. Mom seemed happy and excited. Dad seemed relieved. That's fine. Quite frankly, I was feeling both, so I wasn't wholly surprised. I was worried, though, about what this meant long term and whether this would in fact count for my internship. My mother was optimistic and supportive, which led to this exchange:

MOM: It'll work out.

ME: Yeah, I know. It always does.

DAD: I wouldn't go that far.

ME: I would.

Which got me thinking...who's right here? I see Dad's point, but I think his reaction had more to do with the fact that my one (well, two) brief lines of dialogue don't do justice to my position. I would have explained, but I was getting ready to hang up (and it sounds like they were too). So, instead, I'll use this space (lucky you) to present my full case and to update you on what I've been up to for the last month.

It is my opinion that everything, in the end, works out. By this, there are a lot of things I DON'T mean. I don't mean that everything works out the way you (or I) want them to. I don't mean that everything will just magically be the way it should be. I don't mean that we are completely absolved from responsibility in whatever happens.

All I mean is, simply, that as long as I put in my best effort into everything I do, then no matter what the outcome I'll be able to deal with it. It may not be what I want, but my life won't end, either.

This job may be the start of something big. It could lead to the full time job I've always wanted. It could just be another notch on my resume, leaving me to find whatever work I can to be able to support myself by the time I graduate. Either way, I know I'll make it through, as I always do.

Not only that, I believe that this applies to, at the very least, the people I know. It seems as though people sometimes believe that once they make a change or something happens, they expect things to be better right away. If it doesn't happen, people generally get one of two ways: frustrated at the lack of movement or depressed at the thought that it won't change. I've been there. I've done that. Neither of those are remotely true. Show me one person who can adjust to a major life change within a matter of hours (or days) and I'll show you a hundred who can't. As far as I'm concerned, there are two immutable truths about change in human beings: it's slow and can only come from within. It's amazing to me the number of people who think that they can change someone quickly. It amazes me further when they (predictably) fail and get all upset about it. You can try to inspire change all you want, but in the end the other person has to want to do it.

I know that's not an easy concept for a lot of people, but whenever you have trouble dealing with that, remember the Rolling Stones: You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need. They believed it too: everything works out. Not for the best, not the way you want, but it works out. You (whomever "you" may be) are not alone in what you think, and others have survived in your situation. No one I know is incapable of improving their own lives in whatever areas may bug them...I just hope they can start the change in themselves to realize it.

A bit of a ramble, I know, but something I had to get off my chest. I do hope, at least, that everyone's summer is going well.

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May 22, 2006

I'm starting two projects for the site that involve you, the readers.

1) I'm putting together a mailing list for site updates. From when I get the list together on, notifications of all updates will be sent out through my new email address (ajhenry2383@yahoo.com).

2) (Edited 5-26-06: Due to complications with the form (and an overall lack of responses), I have decided to forgo the secret project. To those that did send in...thanks for your effort. The only problem is that the form didn't allow me to see whatever it was you put. Again...sorry about this and thank you for your understanding.) Comment on this entry: 0 Comments


April 22, 2006

To start, a hypothetical:

You're in a car. Though you don't know exactly where you're going, you have a general idea and set off to location mysterio. As you're going along, you make a wrong turn. Of course, since you don't know exactly where you're going, who's to say it's wrong? As long as you're continuing towards the general vicinity of wherever the hell it is you're going, that's what counts. So you keep going, knowing you're still headed to that place. As you drive, though, something starts to feel off. Your stomach starts to tighten as you find yourself in surroundings you're not entirely familiar with. Suddenly it dawns on you: you're lost. Even then, though, you continue driving in hopes you make another wrong (right?) turn and end up on a (even if its not THE) path you started on in the first place. Hell, who doesn't love a good detour?!

So you continue to drive. Suddenly you're in a bad neighborhood and you know it. Suddenly the end doesn't seem quite so important...getting to someplace you can stop takes priority. You drive some more (in God only knows what direction) to simply escape the predicament you've put yourself in.

(For the amateur sociologists out there, I'm not simply talking about inner city, South-Central LA bad neighborhoods. We all have our own personal nightmares that could be as simple as being stranded in the middle of nowhere when you think something's going to go wrong.)

Finally you stop. You've fixed the problem and you're finally in a position to take stock of everything. Suddenly, you realize you got WAY off track and need to find a way to get where you wanted to go in the first place. This, dear friends, is why I'm writing this.

I'm lost. I've been lost for years. When you lose your way, it can be dangerous not to realize it. It can also be dangerous to see something good and just assume that you're back on the right path. I'm assuming the readership of this page will wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Simply put, I need to get my life moving again.

I am, and have been for the last two years or so (not counting much of Spring 2005), the happiest I've ever been. These have been the best years of my life because I've found my calling in life and friends that have helped me believe I had things in me that I never would have recognized otherwise. All that did, though, was cause me to stop and take stock.

In essence, I am a person who believes everything must be torn down before they can be built back up (or, alternatively, that everything has to go to hell before you can really start to improve everything). What I've come to realize is that this can take on many forms. Before when I'd do this, I'd leave myself behind, as well as whatever friends I'd made since, well, since the last reconstruction. This time, though, I know I don't need to do that. I've found a good thing (many, in fact, between Abington, State College, and DC) from this detour and I won't simply ditch it to continue to where I know I need to go.

How am I lost? I guess it started way back in high school, when I was tired of being cynical and depressing for the sake of being cynical and depressing. I figured that if people wanted to hate me, they could hate me for who I am instead of who I presented myself to be. I developed a set of guiding principles that I would live my life by. Yet, even though everything was designed so that people could hate me, I actually began to garner respect. I started making friends (and more), started having some fun, and started believing in myself. I was on my way.

Then, something happened. When I first went to Penn State, I lost touch with many of the people I thought I was becoming decent friends with. Without that, I never felt a reason to leave my dorm room. At least I had a friend there. Eventually, when I was scratching for C's, out of shape, and miserable, I finally conceded that at some point I had made a wrong turn. I was lost. I was also in a pretty bad place mentally (no, not suicidal, but just miserable). I looked for ways out of my funk (first through trying to find a girlfriend, then just trying to find people I could hang out with). I landed in what I was sure was a safe harbor my sophomore year, only to find out that my new friends, while fun and interesting, weren't people with whom I could spend an exhorbitant amount of time. I became lost again until I found, finally, my Penn State friends.

I was finally in a good place, but I was still lost. I took my time, enjoying myself with my new friends (and my old ones as well), but never took time to figure out if I was on the right path. Granted my mind (psyche, whatever) was pretty banged up and needed some serious work. I stopped and did it...it took me two years.

I went to DC having finally tasted some success. The problem was, though, that I was still lost. I was no longer in the friendly part of town and suddenly it was freshman year all over again - but in reverse. Whereas before I expected a greater degree of success due to the maturation process, this time I expected a small drop. In both cases, I was disappointed. I was suddenly without my means of comfort (thanks in part to the PSU crew falling apart at the seams) and once again needed to find a place to stop and assess the damage. I've done that and fixed some more stuff (as described in other entries). Even more importantly, though, I realized that I had completely forgotten where I was going.

It is better to be happy and directionless than miserable and moving forward...but how much? I thought the answer was a lot more obvious than it was. See, I've only just been reminded of where I'm going, and once you remember that you can see just how far away you are.

I have always been tabbed as someone who has a lot of intellectual talent. I had high standards of academic success and knew that, one day, I'd have a great job where I'd be happy and successful. I could say this with some confidence because I knew that I had the tools to do whatever I wanted. I lacked focus, sure, but talent wise I could hang with anyone.

However, with the almost unprecedented success I had academically this semester, I realized something inside of me had reawakened after a long dormant stretch. It was then that I realized the problem: I made a wrong turn. I convinced myself that something was wrong because of who I was and how I did things. I became too enraptured in how I did things than in why I did them. I became lost in the minutiae of my situation rather than dealing with the bigger picture. For a while, I simply assumed that the answer was there somewhere, so I kept looking. I had made myself so nuts before delving into the detail that there was a lot of extra crap to cut through. By the time I finally got through all of that, I realized the answer wasn't there at all.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in a much better position to pursue my happy and successful life than I was when I started. I've found people that will help me through everything and help me enjoy the ride. I can't deny that I haven't moved any closer to my ultimate destination. I think, then, the best way to get back on the right path is to simplify things. Namely, I need to get back to the original values that got me where I am today: honesty, keeping friends close, and never settling for less than what I feel deserve.

What does this mean going forward? It means that I'm back in the "giving advice to friends" business for those who need it. I needed some time to recharge and to remember that it's never about the advice I give or what people do with it. Rather, it's about trying to help friends and hoping that it makes them happy. I can't live your lives for you and I shouldn't act as though some piece of advice I gave somehow makes me responsible. After all, you don't have to listen to me.

It means I finally know what to do with this newfound confidence of mine. It's about time I kicked my professional life into gear, with the first step being an internship. I have a lot of qualities people are looking for in an employee and I shouldn't give up just because I'm not the perfect candidate. The same could of course be said about my dating life.

Finally, it means that, as of this moment, the friends-only page is hereby defunct. It came about because I tried to please everyone rather than simply doing this for myself and for my friends. Hell, the name of the page (Bloom) was based off of an inside joke and a clear tribute to my friends. This is my page and I'll write what I damn well please on it. If I don't want to tell the whole world, I'll use IM. I trust you guys, and if some outsider doesn't like my choice of topics (in a general sense) then they're not worth my time anyway.

I've been lost for a long, long time. Here's hoping I've found my path once again, only this time more mature and better able, with help, to deal with the road ahead.

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