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While trying to sort through a very busy, turbulent, and confusing month, I remembered it was around Christmas. I always liked this time of year, from when I was a little kid (waiting for Santa to put presents under the tree) to now (when it means I get to see family and people I don’t get to see or talk to as often anymore). I’ve always associated it with happy times, egg nog, the feeling of satisfaction after seeing the house completely decorated for the first time, and, admittedly, cool stuff.

When I was little, the present I wanted most was a Nintendo. I was sucked into the hype (which was not helped by the fact that both of my best friends at the time – Marc D. and Joe) both had them) and thought it was just the coolest thing ever. For about six years or so, I asked for that every Christmas. Every year, I’d go to bed dreaming of Duck Hunt and Contra…every year I’d wake up disappointed. I look back and wonder why.

During that time span, instead of one piece of machinery, I got:

-A computer
- A table hockey game (think of an arcade bubble-style hockey game without the bubble)
- Loads of board games
- Action figures, including the more complex GI Joe stuff
- My first jersey (A white Eric Lindros jersey, back when he first came into the league)
- Tickets to a few sporting events (at least one hockey game and one basketball game come to mind)
…and, of course, the best present I’ve ever gotten – and one that will almost definitely never be matched – my dog.

Part of me views this as an example of how stupid I was then, but even at the time I do remember thinking in the back of my mind that I had some truly awesome stuff. My parents were always very smart people, and they knew that these things were more likely to give me enjoyment (and be used on a regular basis) than the Nintendo would have. Each of those were used on an almost daily basis (except for the dog, who of course was a 24/7 endeavor). They had an anti-video game stance for just that reason: either I wouldn’t use it often enough for it to be worthwhile or I’d use it too much to the detriment of everything else.
,br> This point was driven home later when I actually got video game systems (first Game Gear, then Genesis, then Playstation). They probably didn’t get the use I envisioned when I first got them, and when they did it was at hours much past what would have then been considered my bed time.

I’d love to say I can look back and say how stupid I was, that I didn’t really appreciate what was in front of me. The fact is, though, I don’t think I’ve learned anything.

In junior high and much of high school, a girlfriend became my new Nintendo. No, I don’t mean I asked for one every Christmas (though kudos to you if that was your first reaction). It didn’t matter what else I had in front of me, there was always that part of me that thought things would be even better if I was going out with someone. Of course, without having actually gone on a date I had little concept of what that actually meant. Once Kelli came along, not only was it not everything I had hoped it would be (which, to be fair to her, wasn’t hard. I had such an idealized picture that had ANYTHING gone wrong it would have been one too many), but things actually started getting worse. Granted, the downturn had to do with many things and that wasn’t necessarily one of them, but I think it finally killed the ideal that I had held. I tried for a little while to get it back, but after the whole thing with Marie ended I figured it was time for a change of focus. Now, I’d like to think I’m more practical about it. I don’t want to find someone because it would make everything better, but because I think it would be fun and I haven’t experienced that in a while (a relationship, not fun).

Now, of course, it’s something else. I may have my flaws, but I think that the people who know me would say that, on balance, I’m a damn good person. Yet, despite the encouragement, despite even the helpful criticism which at least puts a name to the flaws I can work on, I still have this feeling of dissatisfaction. This time, it’s not over some machine or some girl. In fact, I’m not even sure what it’s over. I suppose it’s me, though at the same time I’m happy with who I am and what I’m about. I guess its dissatisfaction with my lack of perfection. I’d like to have everything, to be everything to everyone, but I know I can’t. Unlike the last two, this is something I won’t be able to find out for myself how wrong I am. No human being can attain perfection. It’s a foolish thing to even aspire to. All it’s doing now is forcing me to harp on my flaws, causing me to play mind games with myself at the worst possible time. When you’re trying to meet new people, to settle into a new school in a new locale, and even when trying to figure out if someone is going to be that next “certain someone,” there are enough things to worry about and enough obstacles to overcome. If I start with this shit too... well, lets just say the end result is the previous entry.

I don’t know how, but I have to figure out how to not to need to be perfect (hooray for awkward sentences!). Hopefully then I’ll figure out how to stop this cycle once and for all.

Valerie- I really enjoyed reading this. It made me feel sad and inspired at the same time. You're a really good writer, you know that?

-Andrew- I try.