To start, a hypothetical:
You're in a car. Though you don't know exactly where you're going, you have a general idea and set off to location mysterio. As you're going along, you make a wrong turn. Of course, since you don't know exactly where you're going, who's to say it's wrong? As long as you're continuing towards the general vicinity of wherever the hell it is you're going, that's what counts. So you keep going, knowing you're still headed to that place. As you drive, though, something starts to feel off. Your stomach starts to tighten as you find yourself in surroundings you're not entirely familiar with. Suddenly it dawns on you: you're lost. Even then, though, you continue driving in hopes you make another wrong (right?) turn and end up on a (even if its not THE) path you started on in the first place. Hell, who doesn't love a good detour?!
So you continue to drive. Suddenly you're in a bad neighborhood and you know it. Suddenly the end doesn't seem quite so important...getting to someplace you can stop takes priority. You drive some more (in God only knows what direction) to simply escape the predicament you've put yourself in.
(For the amateur sociologists out there, I'm not simply talking about inner city, South-Central LA bad neighborhoods. We all have our own personal nightmares that could be as simple as being stranded in the middle of nowhere when you think something's going to go wrong.)
Finally you stop. You've fixed the problem and you're finally in a position to take stock of everything. Suddenly, you realize you got WAY off track and need to find a way to get where you wanted to go in the first place. This, dear friends, is why I'm writing this.
I'm lost. I've been lost for years. When you lose your way, it can be dangerous not to realize it. It can also be dangerous to see something good and just assume that you're back on the right path. I'm assuming the readership of this page will wonder what the hell I'm talking about. Simply put, I need to get my life moving again.
I am, and have been for the last two years or so (not counting much of Spring 2005), the happiest I've ever been. These have been the best years of my life because I've found my calling in life and friends that have helped me believe I had things in me that I never would have recognized otherwise. All that did, though, was cause me to stop and take stock.
In essence, I am a person who believes everything must be torn down before they can be built back up (or, alternatively, that everything has to go to hell before you can really start to improve everything). What I've come to realize is that this can take on many forms. Before when I'd do this, I'd leave myself behind, as well as whatever friends I'd made since, well, since the last reconstruction. This time, though, I know I don't need to do that. I've found a good thing (many, in fact, between Abington, State College, and DC) from this detour and I won't simply ditch it to continue to where I know I need to go.
How am I lost? I guess it started way back in high school, when I was tired of being cynical and depressing for the sake of being cynical and depressing. I figured that if people wanted to hate me, they could hate me for who I am instead of who I presented myself to be. I developed a set of guiding principles that I would live my life by. Yet, even though everything was designed so that people could hate me, I actually began to garner respect. I started making friends (and more), started having some fun, and started believing in myself. I was on my way.
Then, something happened. When I first went to Penn State, I lost touch with many of the people I thought I was becoming decent friends with. Without that, I never felt a reason to leave my dorm room. At least I had a friend there. Eventually, when I was scratching for C's, out of shape, and miserable, I finally conceded that at some point I had made a wrong turn. I was lost. I was also in a pretty bad place mentally (no, not suicidal, but just miserable). I looked for ways out of my funk (first through trying to find a girlfriend, then just trying to find people I could hang out with). I landed in what I was sure was a safe harbor my sophomore year, only to find out that my new friends, while fun and interesting, weren't people with whom I could spend an exhorbitant amount of time. I became lost again until I found, finally, my Penn State friends.
I was finally in a good place, but I was still lost. I took my time, enjoying myself with my new friends (and my old ones as well), but never took time to figure out if I was on the right path. Granted my mind (psyche, whatever) was pretty banged up and needed some serious work. I stopped and did it...it took me two years.
I went to DC having finally tasted some success. The problem was, though, that I was still lost. I was no longer in the friendly part of town and suddenly it was freshman year all over again - but in reverse. Whereas before I expected a greater degree of success due to the maturation process, this time I expected a small drop. In both cases, I was disappointed. I was suddenly without my means of comfort (thanks in part to the PSU crew falling apart at the seams) and once again needed to find a place to stop and assess the damage. I've done that and fixed some more stuff (as described in other entries). Even more importantly, though, I realized that I had completely forgotten where I was going.
It is better to be happy and directionless than miserable and moving forward...but how much? I thought the answer was a lot more obvious than it was. See, I've only just been reminded of where I'm going, and once you remember that you can see just how far away you are.
I have always been tabbed as someone who has a lot of intellectual talent. I had high standards of academic success and knew that, one day, I'd have a great job where I'd be happy and successful. I could say this with some confidence because I knew that I had the tools to do whatever I wanted. I lacked focus, sure, but talent wise I could hang with anyone.
However, with the almost unprecedented success I had academically this semester, I realized something inside of me had reawakened after a long dormant stretch. It was then that I realized the problem: I made a wrong turn. I convinced myself that something was wrong because of who I was and how I did things. I became too enraptured in how I did things than in why I did them. I became lost in the minutiae of my situation rather than dealing with the bigger picture. For a while, I simply assumed that the answer was there somewhere, so I kept looking. I had made myself so nuts before delving into the detail that there was a lot of extra crap to cut through. By the time I finally got through all of that, I realized the answer wasn't there at all.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in a much better position to pursue my happy and successful life than I was when I started. I've found people that will help me through everything and help me enjoy the ride. I can't deny that I haven't moved any closer to my ultimate destination. I think, then, the best way to get back on the right path is to simplify things. Namely, I need to get back to the original values that got me where I am today: honesty, keeping friends close, and never settling for less than what I feel deserve.
What does this mean going forward? It means that I'm back in the "giving advice to friends" business for those who need it. I needed some time to recharge and to remember that it's never about the advice I give or what people do with it. Rather, it's about trying to help friends and hoping that it makes them happy. I can't live your lives for you and I shouldn't act as though some piece of advice I gave somehow makes me responsible. After all, you don't have to listen to me.
It means I finally know what to do with this newfound confidence of mine. It's about time I kicked my professional life into gear, with the first step being an internship. I have a lot of qualities people are looking for in an employee and I shouldn't give up just because I'm not the perfect candidate. The same could of course be said about my dating life.
Finally, it means that, as of this moment, the friends-only page is hereby defunct. It came about because I tried to please everyone rather than simply doing this for myself and for my friends. Hell, the name of the page (Bloom) was based off of an inside joke and a clear tribute to my friends. This is my page and I'll write what I damn well please on it. If I don't want to tell the whole world, I'll use IM. I trust you guys, and if some outsider doesn't like my choice of topics (in a general sense) then they're not worth my time anyway.
I've been lost for a long, long time. Here's hoping I've found my path once again, only this time more mature and better able, with help, to deal with the road ahead.
Ada-::hugs:: I know I haven't said boo to you in forever, but I've been thinking about you. Anyway, I'm glad you're becoming unlost. I don't know if this means anything to you but I still think you are an awesome person and friend.
Your Friend,
Ada
--Andrew-Holy crap! Someone actually used the comment feature!!!
Thank you for the response. If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to say hi, you have my screen name and my cell phone (I think...let me know if you don't). I'm in DC for the summer, but I'll be up occasionally. Either way, I'd love to catch up at some point.
Oh, and for everyone, a bit of an update. I don't have an internship yet (it's a little harder than I imagined) but so far I have two grades in for this semester: A and A-. It's taken years, but I'm BACK.