It's been a while since the last update (which was never completed, since after writing the first bit everything kind've mellowed out). I am now in DC and am into my wonderful apartment (incidentally, this commentary is a great place to catch up on what's going on in my life if you don't have a lot of time to talk (/shill)). The classes at GW seem interesting (except for statistics) and I think I should do well (except in statistics, which has a final project that seems eerily similar to my bastard psych paper that warranted it's own commentary not too long ago). The people I've met have been great, probably a product of the maturation process that has likely completed itself before arriving in graduate school. DC as a city is spectacular, with tons to do. I even got to a Phillies game at RFK stadium (that they lost...but whatever). Best of all, I found a great Eagles/Nittany Lions bar in Georgetown called Rhino. Now I won't miss a thing. Yup, DC is in a lot of ways a very, very good situation. The only thing that seems to be holding me back from having a truly wonderful time is...me.
I've known for a while that I have the ability to do a lot of different things. I've excelled in academics, music, sports (to certain degrees), and social situations at different points over the last few years. Yet, I've never really had my head screwed on straight and never put it all together. My academic skill left me for a year or so early in college. I haven't played the cello since freshman year at Penn State (nor hockey since high school). Now, my social skills that seemed so polished just a few months ago have reverted to the same old nothing that I had before.
As much as it may seem like I'm complaining, I'm not. It's a simple fact that I came to grips with a while ago: until I get focused and motivated, it's going to be an up and down ride. Though I figured that out a while ago, it's only been in DC that I've figured out why. There have been lots of things that I've attributed to all the failures in my life (no matter what they may be or to what degree; after all, everyone has things they've failed at) ranging from my sarcasm to my procrastination to my looks. All of those were just excuses though. It wasn't until I had a dream (and I know that sounds corny, but most of you probably won't care about that if you read this anyway) that I figured out the real reason.
I had just graduated from GW. The SPPPA, somehow, arranged for seats on a shuttle that would go into outer space, where the new graduates would do space walks and other interesting stuff. Best of all, it was fully paid for. The thing is, I'm not too fond of heights...and those engines make a lot of noise, which I hate...and it just didn't seem like a good idea. I started arguing with everyone who was trying to convince me to go, saying that it was a bad idea. I didn't really believe it though. Upon waking up and reflecting on that dream, I came to a realization that I didn't want to admit: I'm a coward.
Really, that's what this whole thing has been about. My head isn't screwed on straight because I allow my fear of failure...rejection...whatever to psyche me out. I'm not bad at talking to people. I've had great conversations with lots of people of different backgrounds and personalities. I'm just afraid I'll say something stupid and be ostracized. I'm not procrastinating because I think I work more efficiently at the deadline (this happens to be true, but if that were merely the case those papers last year would have been written), I'm afraid of starting and missing something because of it, or doing it poorly. I'm certainly able to participate in class, despite the fact my hand never goes up. No matter how good the good may be, I'm too afraid of the bad to do anything about it.
They always say admission is the first step towards recovery. If this is true, I have a long road to go, but at least I'm starting. I can't always be too nervous to go after my career, volunteer in class or call a number and ask a girl on a date. I'll never get anywhere in life until I can finally reap the benefits from what lays behind what I fear.
Valerie-I really like your personal insights in this entry.