Jeremy Dean Schaller
April 4, 1984-October 31, 2004
Friends, we gather together on this day to celebrate the tragically short life of Jeremy, a damn good friend and monkey fucker whose academic problems are finally solved. Good Jer was slain in most tragic fashion early Sunday morning while returning home from a fraternity’s Halloween party. He and Kat had taken a shortcut through an alley when they ran into Joe and Megan. With everyone slightly intoxicated, Kat and Megan brawled onto College Avenue. Meanwhile, as Joe advanced, Jeremy decided to act first. Sadly, though his initiative was high, Jeremy could only manage a one on his attack roll. This twist of fate caused him to trip over his feet, at which point he fell unto the shards of a broken beer bottle. The fall itself knocked him unconscious, causing him to bleed to death on the street. Joe, confused as to how he actually put Jer down, took what he always wanted from his fallen former roommate. He was then seen fleeing the site, struggling to pull his pants up. Such a tragic death at the hands of his rival surely was not the way Jeremy intended to leave this world. Today, we honor his life for the last time.
Jeremy, at his heart, was a generous soul. He was always the first to volunteer to play bartender, presumably because his drunken antics are funnier when shared with other drunk people. This describes the kindness in Jeremy’s heart: he wanted his friends to be happy in a way that only alcohol could make them. Jeremy cared for his fellow man, as evidenced by his attempts to save little Timmy from drowning in "The Lake." Why, even in death Jeremy was kind enough to bequeath his porn magazines, hidden in his dresser drawer, to his little brother. Jeremy also showed dedication and a willingness to do hard work. This was evidenced by his jobs, to which he dedicated his summers. Also, his wonderful relationship with Kat showed his loyalty (and, perhaps, insanity). His mastery of video games shows his willingness to put in a ton of time and effort to do something well. Finally, it showed in his academ…well it showed in most phases of his life anyway.
Jeremy will always be remembered for his kindness, for his generosity, and pulling his pants down when he was drunk. Upon the request of his family and friends, Jeremy will be burned at a funeral pyre using wood from the campsite his parents go out to with their friends every year. Apparently, the wood has special significance. As good of a person as Jeremy was, we have received word that Satan is in possession of his soul. She has arranged it so his eternity is spent watching “Vulgar” and “House of the Dead” on split screen for all eternity with Bad Kat. While this is unfortunate for Jeremy, the location of his soul is quite convenient for anyone in the Parkland/Allentown area who wishes to pay respects. To make up for this, we have collected enough money to build a statue of Jeremy on the corner of College and Shortledge. This way, we will always remember his historic fall and the enjoyment it brought to others. The post pyre party will be held at the Schaller house and will have an assortment of meats including beef, chicken, venison, and goat. Now, my friends, let us say goodbye to Jeremy. Though his charisma was high, he could have used a little more luck. Thank you.
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