The time has come for us to say goodbye to one of our dearest, craziest, and most memorable friends. Kat was always an emotional person. While her zany personality earned her many friends, it also caused her to make enemies. One conspiracy to kill Kat went awry when Ashley got distracted by writing post-its, forcing Natalie to simply claw her eyes out over the image of Kat sleeping naked. Ana, another former roommate, was going to poison Kat’s vodka. Thankfully, she could get no further than pouring the vodka before chugging the entire bottle, causing her to pass out and forget her quest. Kat almost killed herself due to her childlike mentality when, while visiting a reactor, she wondered what the big red button would do. Certain doom was avoided, as she was quickly distracted by a shiny doorknob on the other side of the room. The button was never thought of again. Tragically, however, Kat’s could not run from death forever. Upon finding out that Kat had done the horrible and unspeakable act of using ping pong balls in the head of the model horse, her group took action. Desperate to prove her wrong, her group constructed a horse completely made of concrete. They took it to Virginia where, after Kat expressed a concern as to their sanity, they snapped. Using the forklift they used to carry it around (it was much heavier than they anticipated), they dropped it on our poor friend. Today, we remember the girl with the body of a twenty four year old, the mentality of a five year old, and the sex drive of a horny teenage boy.
Though Kat loved all of her friends, a few people stood out as being especially close to her. Jeremy, for instance, meant a lot to her. She loved him for being “normal,” not an adulterous, credit card stealing Wiccan priest or a guy who liked to wear her panties. She, too, meant a lot to him as a best friend, a lover, a companion, and the owner of many enjoyable objects, including his favorite pair of handcuffs. Kat also held a special place in her heart for Val, namely the part that gets displayed after a few glasses of wine. Sure she would poke and grab people during various stages of sobriety, but only Val triggered strong enough emotions to inspire prolonged make out sessions. Gail was a good friend to Kat, especially when torturing Chris. They would have fun trying to make him twitch by implying their desire to get naked and shouting things like “WATERSPORTS” at odd times. It was tragic that Chris eventually died from this when, after watching Kat and Gail do “strip integrals,” he died of head explodey. Finally, though not technically a person, Kat felt a strong bond to her cat. This relationship waned a little at the end, however, after her cat refused to get a job as a prostitute to pay her share of the rent. The ill will from the resulting argument was never fully resolved.
So now, we say goodbye to Kat, who has undoubtedly gone to a place where zero can no longer torment her and where the sheets will always stay on the bed. She will be interred at the local cemetery. To mark her grave, instead of an eternal flame, will be an eternal MP3 player. That way, Kat’s play list can go on random forever. After the services, we will return to the Fix household for turkey, peppermint patty shots, Niagara wine, and “brownies.” Coloring books will be provided for entertainment.
Goodbye Kat, your friends will truly miss you.
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