It is with great sorrow that today we say goodbye to Krissy, a good friend to those who knew her and a better friend to those who have seen her drunk. Krissy was a selfless young woman who gave everything she had in order to help the kids at THON. This included her life, which was taken due to sleep deprivation and exhaustion at the dance. Also claimed by THON was a third of her bank account, including all the money she made while smuggling cocaine and marijuana. This was such a strain on her finances (and such was her dedication to the cause) that she was forced into prostitution. In the name of the kids, Krissy sold herself at the corner of Beaver and Allen, as well as provided phone sex under the assumed name “Shelly” outside of her local K-Mart. Yes, Krissy was a big believer in THON’s For the Kids (FTK) motto. It is with a certain irony that she helped these children to live, as in return they caused her own demise.
Those who remember Krissy will remember her as a good friend, a trusted companion, a model daughter and sister, a true girly girl, and a lush. Though we will miss these things about Krissy, it will also be the things she had yet to accomplish that we will always remember her for. With her tragic passing, it is sad to think that her lifelong dream of being a waitress at Hooters will never be achieved. The kind people at Hooters have agreed to put in a disproportionately small entrance as a memorial. Also, she was never able to find true love in her life, much to the dismay of the delegation from “The George Factory” (represented in pews 8 through 16) and the sad women of pew 23, who were sure that Krissy was a lesbian.
We will miss Krissy with all our hearts. In accordance with both her wishes and the wishes of her parents, she will be given a Viking funeral. She will be tied to her papasan chair and doused in peppermint schnapps, then sent out to sea. There, Jeremy will throw a special Molotov cocktail (containing Goldschlagger, “Afterdinner Mint,” and Bacardi 151) unto the papasan, setting it ablaze. I urge you all to say your last goodbyes to someone who was taken from us way too soon, and please ignore the stupid looking crown/tiara thing on her head while doing so. Then, please join us for the post funeral gathering at the Zeisers. There will be a buffet including Hooters wings, barbecue ribs, and Mountain Dew. To help ease the aggression we all know you must be feeling, there will be a Halo tournament in the basement. Krissy’s family and friends hope you join us to remember our dear, departed drunk. Thank you.
Eulogy Page