My Self Assessment
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I could do to improve the one aspect of my life that time, effort, and changes in scenery and personality have not seemed to help. No matter what I do, nothing seems to help me find someone I can be with in more than a friendly way. Girls are not attracted to me. I’ve been trying to figure out why, and I’ve figured out most of it (since let’s face it…you can never know all aspects when you don’t truly understand the mind of those who you intend to study). Still, I figure I can use this as my mission statement to myself. First, I’ll identify my greatest weaknesses. Second, I’ll take a look back at both of my relationships and figure out what went right (and wrong) in each. Third, I’ll discuss regret and its role in my life. Then, I’ll discuss my take on the “ladder” theory and other rating systems. Finally, I’ll explore potential answers to my dating quandary.
FLAWS
First, and most important, of my flaws is my lack of self confidence. I’ve talked to guys and girls about attracting women, and almost to a person they all noted the importance of self confidence. After all, if you don’t feel the person you’re talking to should like you, why should they? Of all my flaws, this is the one time and time again that really killed me. Perhaps the situation with A provides the most egregious example, as I had EVERY reason to think I had a chance with a beautiful, intelligent girl who at least was cool to talk to. There is no reason I couldn’t have at least been friends with her. Yet, because I was too worried about my own flaws taking over and not showing confidence in myself, I allowed a self-psych out, killing every chance I had. I’ll go more in depth about A in the regret section. A more recent example is B, who could very well have had interest in me at one point. She, too, will be somewhat addressed in the regret section. The fact is that my belief that I have no chance with girls is a self fulfilling prophecy, thus causing my lack of datability.
On the opposite end of this scale is my average/below average looks. I say this because some people might think that the lack of self confidence influences this opinion. It is, however, a real issue. Some of this is within my control, as I really need to work out more and keep better care of myself. Yet, the fact remains that I don’t have the looks of a budding movie star. Lots of guys don’t have good looks, but at the same time I just can’t help but feel that I’m worse off than most guys. I could be wrong of course. I can’t say for certain that women shy away from me as a date because of my looks. Yet, when certain girls (like Amanda, for instance) say that they “don’t think of me like that,” that is exactly what’s implied. I don’t blame them, as I’d rather they be honest and not go out with me out of pity or because I like them. Still, it can be rather disheartening.
My third weakness is, ironically enough, possibly one of my strongest personality traits. I’ve worked hard on my sarcasm and wit to make people laugh at me, at them, and at everything else in the world. This is a major reason I have had success finding friends recently…I’ve been deemed “fun” or at least “fun-ish” because I make people laugh. Yet, as much as I have success finding friends with this humor, I’ve only recently realized that it also drives away potential girlfriends. After all, if they don’t know I’m kidding, what’s to let them know I don’t mean it? Even if they know, they still wind up thinking that my opinion of them is less than what it is. As a result, their potential feelings for me are wasted because they think I don’t think of them like that. Would this have helped with people like D or E? I can’t say for sure it would have. There is no guarantee they ever thought of me like that. However, as long as I can’t rule it out, I’ll always have to wonder if maybe things would have been different had I simply been a little nicer.
There are other flaws of course, such as my reluctance to pursue girls and my tendency to give up too easily. However, these other flaws all have their roots in at least one of these main concepts. Can these be fixed? I’ll address that at the end. Needless to say it won’t be easy. Perhaps a look into my two previous relationships could provide a hint as to how to improve my luck with women.
PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS
I’m not going into depth about the relationships themselves. Those horses were beaten to death long ago. Instead, I’m going to describe the process leading up to the beginning of both relationships to try to understand how each worked.
Kelli was someone I wouldn’t have even talked to had she not known my friend John. For as often as any girl ever really gave me a screen name or phone number (read: never), I was still just going to take her screen name, politely smile, and never talk to her again. Should I have done so anyway, in retrospect? The answer is no. Again, that will be dealt with when I talk about regret. However, I made the right decision by starting to talk to her. I was there when she needed me, which wasn’t all too often since she was going ok at that point. As time went on we talked more and more and we became good friends. I never thought I’d go out with her, as she didn’t quite seem my type, she was my friend’s friend, and she already had a boyfriend. So, when she started flirting with me, I wasn’t sure that’s what she was trying to do. I decided I didn’t want to know and just played along as if she did this with all her friends (which, to an extent, she did). I told my friends, who saw this coming long before I did, that I would not go out with her for the reasons listed above. As things progressed, she was trying harder and harder to let me know she liked me without telling me. Instead of picking up on it or allowing myself to believe it, I continued to deny that there was anything there. Even when she finally told me outright, when I knew in my heart that it was true all along, I was so steeped in denial that I continued to believe that she was just joking around. It took three hours with Kelli, my sister, and my sister’s boyfriend to finally shake me out of my shell. One conversation later, I had my first girlfriend.
A little over a year later, I had my heart torn out by the way our relationship had ended several months prior and was only then starting to come out of it. I had since joined an online dating service, Sparkmatch, which had led me to meet some interesting people. The girl I met next was a sixteen year old girl from Westford, Massachusetts named Marie DelVecchio. It almost ended before it began, as there was a miscommunication right from the beginning. I can’t remember for the life of me what it was, but needless to say it would have ended there but for a quick apology and explanation. I didn’t talk to her much until the day she IMmed me, saying that she was annoyed that no one would initiate conversations with her and that most people wouldn’t talk to her. I didn’t know why at the time, but I felt like it was my duty from that point on to talk to her and at least say “hi” whenever I saw her online. After about a couple weeks of doing this we really got to know each other well. It was at this point that I realized that she was exactly the type of girl I wanted to be with. Since she lived so far away, however, I ruled out pursuing it. In fact, I was hanging out with my friend John one night the summer after I graduated. We were walking back from his girlfriend’s place when I started telling him about this girl I met online and how great she was. I also said I couldn’t be with her since she was a few states away. The next night, Marie and I spent the entire day talking to each other. That night, during an argument, she let it slip that she liked me. I had actually figured this out before, so it wasn’t as much of a surprise to me. From there, I told her I felt the same, and things went on from there.
There are many similarities to these two beginnings. What they are and what they mean will be discussed in the conclusion. However, as in any self assessment, it is important to look at successes as well as failures. A person needs to know not only what to fix, but what works and how it works. From there, one could truly improve themselves.
REGRET
When dealing with any sort of failing, there is always regret. Something that you should have done but didn’t, or something you did but shouldn’t have done. Let me start off by saying I don’t regret anything I did. You learn from experience. No matter how bad things got between myself and Kelli, Marie or Amanda, I never regretted it. I learned lessons from each of those. From Kelli, I learned that sometimes people just aren’t right for each other. From Marie, I learned that you could do everything humanly possible to make a relationship work and still have it fail. I also learned that the more work you put into a relationship, the more enjoyment and fulfillment you get from it. From Amanda, I learned that rejection isn’t a bad thing, so long as it’s done with grace and understanding. With that in mind, this is my take on regret.
The first level of regret occurs when a situation isn’t particularly ideal, but there was a chance that perhaps should have been taken. Most people ignore this regret, as generally speaking the consequences of not pursuing are few. This generally happens when I only meet someone for a limited period of time and don’t try to pursue them, even though I may be somewhat interested. F is the perfect example of first level regret, as even though there was little chance of it working since she was only in for the one weekend, she was still fun to talk to and be around. A special case of this type of regret is Tara, as though I did ask her out I regret the manner in which I asked. Had I pulled it off a little better, we could have at least stayed friends. Level one is, however, rather negligible.
The second level of regret occurs when someone really likes another and a relationship is not out of the question, but there is no active pursuit regardless. My life has been filled with second level regret. From the first girl I liked way back in elementary school all the way to E and B now, my modus operandi has always been to like a girl, not let on that I like her, then wait until she finds someone else. As a note to anyone who may read this: THIS IS A BAD IDEA. Yet I do it anyway. I do it because I’m afraid to lose friends, to put people in awkward situations, and yes to be rejected as well. Level two regret stings for a while, because though it may not have worked out there was a chance it could have. Most “would’ve, could’ve, should’ves” come from level two regret.
The third and final level of regret is the “one that got away.” Anyone who knows me knows that A was my first taste of third level regret. Note that third level regret is the only kind of regret that works both for relationships as well as near misses. In the third level of regret, everything seems lined up for good results (even a rejection would mean a good friendship) and all that’s left is some minor form of pursuit to get the ball rolling. In my case, A and I had wonderful conversations together, she was beautiful, smart, would put up with me, and would occasionally walk to and from class with me. Yet, it was precisely at the moment that should have ensured our association that killed it. In retrospect, I should have asked for a phone number instead of a screen name and I should have tried to take her out before finals. I did neither. What followed was the worst blunder of my life. To this day, I wonder what would have happened had I simply done what I should have done all along. Until I find the right girl, I will always think of A as the one who got away.
THE LADDER THEORY AND OTHER RATING SYSTEMS
This is slightly off topic, but it does in some ways relate to the goal of this paper: to better understand my strengths and weaknesses and to figure out why I’m not attracting women.
There are many systems by which men and women “rate” each other as potential dates, lovers, etc. Most of them are only based on looks (such as the infamous 1-10 system) and are thus total bullshit. Looks are good for as long as it takes to sleep with someone for the first time. After that, if there’s nothing there the whole thing will fall apart. That’s what some guys want. Hell, it’s what some girls want. In that case, they can have each other since that’s not who I’m looking for anyway.
The only rating system that ever gave me pause to think was the “ladder theory.” In short, the ladder theory suggests that there are two ladders that women have: friendship and lover. The minute a girl meets a guy, she places him on one of those two ladders. It is then up to the guy to climb his respective ladder (i.e. put himself in better graces with said female). I find this interesting because a) it is said that most women decide in the first few minutes whether or not she wants to be with a guy and b) this theory allows for personality. In and of itself, it’s not bad. A girl isn’t going to like everyone and even the guys she likes still have to prove themselves before they can get together.
The problem occurs, according to the theory’s designers, when a guy on the friendship ladder wants to jump onto the other one (i.e. go from a friend to a boyfriend). Women, for the most part, won’t allow such a transition to occur. Thus, the “nice guys” who try to show their personality and good natured side often are permanently stuck on the “friend” ladder, while all the jerks that are after sex wind up on the other. This creates complications, such as when the girl finds out the guy she’s after is a jerk and complains to the friend trying to jump ladders. One thing that is said by people who subscribe to this theory, which to an extent I happen to agree with, is that most girls who think all guys are jerks generally have guys as friends and can’t see the good people in front of them. Even if they’re not interested, it should at least give them hope that good guys are out there.
My theory on why all this works is that when kids are young, the cool kids all have friends while the non cool ones don’t. The non cool ones then, in an attempt to gain friends (and later dates) develop personalities. These personalities then allow people who can’t just coast through life on looks or whatever something to offer to other people. This does not take into account such things as natural charisma or “cool” people who develop personalities on their own. However, it does explain why good guys become good guys while jerks become jerks. The good guy has to be a good guy, while the jerk has no motivation to change. The jerk is more likely to be good looking and (since he knows it) is going to treat women however he wants knowing they’ll be after him anyway.
Maybe this all sounds a little bitter. I know not all women think like this. It’s a little hard to ignore, though, when you hear “I just like you as a friend” more times than you want to hear it. I’ll end this rant here. The significance of what was just discussed will be in the next and final section.
CONCLUSION
So what is to be made of all of this? First, let’s look at the lessons learned. First, I need higher self esteem, better looks and a less sarcastic personality. In reality, aside from working out my looks are what they are and my sarcasm, though it could be toned down a little, is still more of an asset than a hindrance. In both cases, the right type of girl would like me as I am anyway. What of the self confidence then? Nothing I can do right now can help it. Success breeds confidence, while failure hinders it. What I need is success. To succeed, I need to try. To try, I need confidence. This is why, far and away, this is my biggest flaw.
Also, I learned that my successes have been due to a lack of pressure. In each case, I had already ruled out going out with the girl in question. Thus, when talking to them, I was myself. I wasn’t trying to not offend them or their sensibilities. In both cases, my looks did not get them to like me. Kelli admitted as much, while Marie could only see pictures. I learned that the absolute worst thing that could happen by asking a girl out feels the same as the best thing that could happen by not asking a girl out. I learned that the worst thing that could happen by not pursuing a girl is as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Finally, though I don’t mind being considered a good friend, I allow myself to be cast into that too easily.
In doing all this, there is one last component that must be considered before I can truly apply what I learned. When I boil it all down, what is it I really want from a girl I go out with? I sometimes get so wrapped up in my ideal girl that I don’t look for a girl I can date who may or may not be the one. After all, neither Kelli nor Marie completely fit my definition. So, who should I look for? A girl who is smart, healthy looking (neither a stick nor a blob), relatively easygoing, and will get my humor should make for a good date. After that…well, that’s how you learn.
What’s the answer? Based on the lessons I learned and who I want, I think I now know what I need to do. First, I need to make myself less available at the start. This does not mean be a jerk. In fact, I think I’ve finally found a personality combination for myself that I’m relatively happy with. All that this means is that early on I shouldn’t smother a girl, nor should I so easily be put into the “friend” category so outright. Second, I need to try more often. No matter how much I take pride in not making things awkward, it’s what I need at this juncture. I’m not going to get a girlfriend by sitting idly by. Also, in the end I’m going to be happier with the results even if rejected. With more practice, I’ll also become more comfortable asking girls out, thus raising my self confidence. Eventually, I’ll find someone. I just have to make myself available. Third, I have to remember to be myself. Instead of thinking “I could potentially go out with this girl, so I shouldn’t scare her away,” I should think “I probably won’t go out with this girl, let’s see how we get along.” This will take time, but it should eventually catch on. When it does, it will be more conducive to attracting girls. I don’t need to go to the other extreme, thinking that every girl wants me. I just need to begin to believe that someone eventually will. By doing these things, I’ll not only feel better about myself, but find the right girl.
THE END
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