Marc Ryan Mazer
(December 13, 1983 – May 13, 2004)
It is with much sadness that we say goodbye to our valued friend, relative, and verbal punching bag Marc. It is always a mystery as to when we are chosen to leave this world and it is tragic that Marc’s life was cut as short as he was. No one knows why Marc went back to the Centralia mine, nor do they know why he was tempted to go down that hill again. It is a fact, however, that Marc did indeed do both of these things on that fateful day. The steepness of the hill caused Marc to lose his balance, tumbling head over heels all the way down the hill. It was there his time on Earth came to an end, as he fell through one of the hemorrhages in the road down to the abandoned mine below. Oddly enough, he did not die on impact, but was merely knocked unconscious. When he was found, authorities simply assumed he had fallen asleep again and left him be. It was then the internal bleeding finally brought Marc’s life to an end.
Marc’s death leaves holes in the lives of those who loved him. To his first love, Anna, we must offer our sincerest condolences. Though it did not work between you, you remained in his heart until the day he died. To his forbidden love, Baabra, we also offer our apologies. Though your love could never be accepted by the society that shunned you both, those who knew Marc well knew that you brought him happiness and sexual pleasure in a way that only a barnyard animal could. Finally, to Marc’s sincerest love: Dubbs. Marc might have used Anna for masturbatory purposes and Baabra for kinky, wild sex, but his heart truly belonged to you. It was with you, Justin, that Marc had his strongest, healthiest relationship. He felt so strongly for you that, when he suspected you of cheating on him, he charged into your dream and made sure you stayed faithful. Even more than Kat and Jeremy, you were the couple that we looked up to the most. Whether it be tossing each other’s salad at Denny’s or your oral fun while each of you were working at your respective commons desks, you were not afraid to show your love for each other in very public settings. We are greatly saddened by your loss, though we appreciate you providing the photo album as well as this wonderful picture here by the coffin of Marc getting some from Lamb Chop.
It is not merely his lovers who will miss Marc, for that would ignore his family, friends, and fellow underpants gnomes. Marc provided all of us with memorable times and some great laughs (mostly at his expense). It was with us that he shared his drunken escapades, letting us know that he loved each and every one of us (except Jeremy). Who could forget the time we were walking past a crowd of people coming out of “The Passion of the Christ” and the mob scene that ensued? I shudder to think of what those old ladies with walkers would have done when they caught up to Marc. Luckily, his friends were there to help him outrun them. We laughed at Marc when he brought back commons applications from all 6 locations, only to fill out each and every one of them incorrectly. Not surprisingly, Marc was drunk during this display. Marc may have loved all of us, but there was one he loved above all: Tom Collins.
Now it is time for us to say our final farewell to Marc. He loved all of us, so long as he was intoxicated. We all loved him, though some more than others. Assuming the half sized hearse hasn’t already left, our next stop will be to the local cemetery, where he will be buried. Since a full sized burial plot was ordered, the remaining two feet of space will be reserved, so that Baabra can join her lover even in the afterlife. Please join us for the reception afterwards at the Mazer’s. They will be serving peach schnapps, Tom Collins, motzah smores and, of course, rack of lamb. Also, for you single men and women out there, Marc’s sister will be in attendance. If you will not be at the reception, the line here forms to her left. For now, though, it is time to bid farewell to Marc. At least we know he will be happily reunited with his dead cat. Thank you.
Come see Marc's Photo Album
Eulogy page