Thank you all for joining us in saying goodbye to our dear companion Valerie, a loyal friend, a dedicated girlfriend, and a wonderful human being. Yes, these and many other things have been said about Val, mostly out of fear. Val was the type of person who would head butt anyone to get what she wanted, only to head butt them further out of appreciation afterwards. This goes doubly so for her boyfriend, Scott, who would view the daily beatings she gave him as a sign of her love. This, as you all know, led to PETA’s protest of Val on the account of walrus abuse. Perhaps the best picture of Val, though, is painted by her death. As you all know, Val took her own life. To find out why, one need not look any further than her livejournal where, in her billionth depression driven entry, she revealed she would do ANYTHING to get her own eulogy. It was after writing this she overdosed on ADD medication. She then proceeded to violently screw Scott until she finally passed on. Val’s strong will and sex drive (provided by her retractable penis) were two of her most notable traits and among the things we will miss most.

Though Val was exceedingly violent, she also had a lot of love in her life. Sure, the biggest piece of her heart was reserved for her boyfriend (Jesus), but she also had other loves in her life. Val loved Hanson, which in retrospect should have been the first sign of the debilitating mental illness that eventually caused her death. She loved Pokey Sticks as much as she loved sex, making everyone question what exactly Val does when she gets them. She loved her computer for making her feel alright every waking hour and every lonely night. Val loved the French, though not enough to make it a career. Finally, Val loved her D&D character for being the pot smoking hippie she always wished she could be.

Of course, Val also had a special spot for her friends. They were the ones who saw her through the hard times by lending a shoulder to head butt. We were Val’s excuse to drink (and later to make out with Kat). Susan, being one of Val’s oldest friends, allowed Val to look normal by comparison. These things we were to Valerie; these things we can be for her no longer.

As we say goodbye to Val, we can only hope she is off to a better place: a place where Bucky can no longer touch her computer, where everyone loves French, where livejournal quizzes are plentiful and where she always conquers her coat. Val will be buried with her headphones (though not the discman, which exploded after being forced to play Hanson CDs over and over again) to ensure that she remains oblivious even in the afterlife. In honor of Val, she will remain here for an hour to “get ready” to go to the cemetery. Feel free to spend that time however you wish. If you choose to pay your last respects, please ignore Nooch as he tries one last time to get Val to sleep with him. The afterparty will be hosted by the Ciavolas. Riga Tony’s will provide catering, though there will also be plenty of ramen, brownies, Pokey Sticks, and her grandma’s famous chicken salad. There will also be a Dark Shadows marathon and live music provided by Ryan hitting Suzanne’s mice with hammers. While this may sound cruel and unusual, it’s the closest thing to Hanson music we could get. Goodbye, Val. We hope this gives you what you’re looking for.

Thank you.

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