Author's Notes
***
[Sean Avery, (SuperZero name: Bitches Constantly) and Max Kuznetsov (Sean’s SuperZero Sidekick, the Useless Kid) are somewhere in the LA suburbs, on their way to the Staples Center for morning practice before a game. Max is driving.]
Sean: It’s a great day to play hockey, Max. Tonight, yet another loser will learn to fear my Almighty Wrath! Bwahaha!
Max: You are so tough, Sean!
Sean: Yeah, I know. It’s a gift, really. I was born to raise hell, to kick ass and take names, to wreck havoc on the world…
Max: You have a spider on you.
Sean: AAAAAAAAHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF! WAAAAH! [flails arms, hits Max]
Max: OW!
[As Max is hit by Sean, he spins the steering wheel, and the car flies down an ominous-looking side street. The spider, meanwhile, scurries for safety and hides beneath the seats.]
Sean: …wow, that was close! Stupid spider! I’ll squish his ass if he shows up again!
Max: You are so awesome, Sean!
Sean: Considering you’re an idiot at everything else, Max, I’ll assume you’re correct in this one case. I AM awesome!
Max: [looks around at his surroundings, which are rapidly becoming unfamiliar] Hmm.
Sean: Hmm? What hmm?
Max: [hastily] Oh, nothing, nothing. Hey, is that another spider?
Sean: WAAAAAAH!
[several hours later]
Sean: Dude, where the hell are we?
Max: We are almost there.
Sean: Really? Because it looks like we’re in the desert.
Max: What makes you say that?
Sean: Well, for starters, there’s nothing around us but sand and blazing sun.
Max: No, we are almost there.
Sean: Watch out for that cactus!!
[The car smashes into said cactus, and the engine grinds to a halt.]Max: Wow… um… where did that mailbox come from?
Sean: It’s a cactus, dumbass!
Max: …no, it is a mailbox. We are only a few streets away from the arena…
Sean: It’s a CACTUS! TELL me that green spiky thing we just hit ISN’T a cactus??
Max: …okay, it might be a cactus.
Sean: Ah-HA! I was right, we ARE in the desert! I knew it! I’m smart, I notice these things! They don’t call me special for nothing, you know!
Max: [turns engine over] The car will not start.
Sean: Oh, that’s just great. Wonderful. FABULOUS. You got us lost!
Max: I did not!
Sean: You did, too!
Max: DIDN’T!
Sean: DID! You screwed this up like you screw EVERYTHING up!
Max: [puts fingers in ears] Lalalalala, I am not listening!
Sean: [gets out of the car] Oh, this is terrible! Now I’m lost in the desert, and I won’t be able to make it to the game!!!
Max: [also gets out] Oh, darn it! You mean I will not play defense tonight?
[there is a faint noise in the distance]
Max: …did you hear that?
Sean: Yeah, that was the sound of fifteen thousand people cheering in delirious joy and glorious relief.
Max: …huh.
Sean: And since when do you play defense? I thought you were a forward.
Max: I always play defense!
Sean: Really? Then how come we get so many goals scored against us?
Max: …Cechmanek.
Sean: Great, not only am I stuck in the desert with an idiot, but everyone’s going to miss out on seeing my unstoppable Ass-kicking Powers of Doom! Stupid car! [kicks it] OW! My foot! STUPID CAR! [kicks it again] OOOOWWWW! STUPID CAR!!
[fifteen minutes later]
Sean: Well, Max, you’re going to have to go for help. That stupid car broke all my toes.
Max: It was probably you kicking it that did it…
Sean: That car had it coming! It called me names! It looked at me funny! It might have touched the puck in another minute or so! Waaaaaah!
Max: Okay, okay! Um… where should I go?
Sean: Just walk back up the road.
Max: Road?
[They look around; the only thing resembling a road is the car’s tire tracks cut into the sand, stretching into the distance.]
Sean: You mean we’re stranded out here?! NO! [collapses down in the shade of the car] No, I don’t WANNA BE STRANDED! I should be out on the ice giving out cheap shots by now!
Max: [kneels down next to Sean] Do not worry, Sean. You can go back to giving out cheap shots in the next game.
Sean: [lower lip quivers] But… But what if they bring up a rookie to replace me, and HE gives out cheap shots? And they’re even cooler than mine? I’ll… I’ll lose my roster spot! Being a whiny little bitch is the only thing I’m good at! Damn you, Max! [grabs Max’s shirt desperately] You have to get us out of here!!!
Max: Do not worry, Sean. I will save us! I will go for help!
[Max walks off proudly, head held high, following the tire tracks.]
[Some hours later, after nightfall, a figure walks out of the dark.]
Max: Well, I’m back.
Sean: Did you find help?
Max: OH yeah! I knew there was a reason I was walking!
Sean: MAX, YOU USELESS IDIOT! WAAAAAH! [begins to cry] The game must be over by now! I’m going to lose my roster spot for sure!
Max: Yes, probably. If you do not die of thirst first.
Sean: …holy crap! I didn’t think of that! Max! I command you as your intellectual superior to find me something to drink!
Max: ...okay, if you are my intellectual superior, we are both in a lot of trouble.
Sean: [thinks hard] I got it! Remember that stupid spider? We’ll send HIM out looking for water! Bugs are smart like that! I saw it on one of those nature shows I jerk off to!Max: [inches away from Sean] Great idea!
[Max opens the car door, searches for a second under the seat, and emerges with the spider.]
Max: Go on, little friend! Go, and bring back water!
[The spider scuttles approximately two feet before a bat swoops down and eats it.]
Sean: HA! Stupid bitch-ass spider! That’s what you get for crawling on me!
Max: But now we are back to square one, yes?
Sean: [pauses] …oh, right. [pauses again] Max?
Max: Yes?
Sean: Between my never-ending whining, bitching, and moaning, and your lack of any skills that are even remotely useful?
Max: Yes?
Sean: We’re fucked.
Max: And how.
[Suddenly, Brendan Shanahan falls out of the sky and crushes them. The end.]
***
