Chris’ eyes grew wide. He glanced over at Schneider, who flushed and looked away.
“So, let’s review, and see if I’ve got this right,” Igor said. “You thought Mathieu was Chris at first. Once you realized your mistake the two of you both admitted that you are sexually attracted to Mr. Chelios, at which point you began to touch one another. Then Chris walked in, screamed at both of you to get out, and you left. Is that the way it happened?”
“Yes,” answered Jiri. “That’s the way it happened.”
“Thank you, Jiri. I have nothing further to ask.”
“Mr. Hull, it’s your witness,” Steve said.
“Thank you, your Honor,” Brett walked up to Jiri and looked at him sternly. Jiri flinched and did his best to hide.
“Mr. Fischer,” he began. “Do you love my client, Chris Chelios?”
“Yes!” Jiri said.
“Awwww….” said the members of the jury who were still paying attention.
“Did you tell that to Mathieu Schneider, while the two of you were in your bed of sin?”
“Objection,” Igor said.
“Sustained,” Steve said.
“Sorry,” Brett said. “Did you tell that to Mathieu Schneider while the two of you were in Cheli’s bed of sin?”
“Brett, I swear to God I’ll take this stick and give you a slap shot to the head,” Steve snapped.
Brett, unflinching, looked sternly at Jiri. “At any point while the two of you were in bed together, did you tell Mathieu Schneider that you love Chris Chelios?”
“No…” Jiri said slowly. “No, it didn’t come up.”
“No, other things came up,” Brett said meaningfully. “Who put their hands on the other’s, uhh… let’s just use cock. Can we say cock?” He asked Steve.
“I don’t care if you use purple-helmeted love warrior,” Steve said tiredly. “Just ask the question.”
“Mr. Fischer, which of you put their hands on the other’s cock first?”
Jiri flushed. “He put his hands on me first.”
“Ah, HA!” Brett said, pouncing. “So he touched you first. Mr. Schneider put his hands on you first. He was well aware that you and Chris Chelios were lovers, wasn’t he?”
“Yes…” Jiri began.
“He knew!” Brett turned triumphantly to the jury, a few of whom started awake at the sound of his voice. “Mathieu Schneider KNEW that Jiri was taken, but did that stop him? Of course not. He took advantage of Jiri’s confusion and started stroking his cock.”
“He didn’t take advantage!” Jiri broke in. “I wanted to! I touched him back!”
“And that’s what makes it even worse,” Brett said, turning back to Jiri. “And so my client has been doubly betrayed. Tell me,” he said, leaning in close. “If you hadn’t been drunk, and you hadn’t thought Schneider was Chris, would you have got in bed with him?”
“Of course not!” Jiri said.
“So, because Mathieu looked like my client, you pulled off his pants and went to town.”
“That’s not-” Jiri started.
“And of course, you didn’t mean to go further than a few simple touches. Did you?”
“NO, I said that already.” Jiri blinked back tears.
“So when were you going to stop?” Brett asked.
“What… what do you mean?”
“Well, were you going to keep touching each other until you came? Were you both just itching to get your cum onto Chris’ bed? Do you expect this court to really believe that you were going to just stop if Chris had never walked in? Just going to take your drunk and horny selves into separate rooms and settle for jacking off? Do you expect us to believe that?”
Jiri squirmed uncomfortably. “Well…”
“Maybe you would have, Jiri,” said Brett, changing tactics. “Everyone in this court is well aware that you love Chris very much. But I highly doubt,” he said, turning to the defense’s table. “That Mr. Schneider would have stopped. Why would he? He had you ripe for the picking. And that’s exactly what he wanted, all along.”
He turned, and Jiri feel the weight of his stare for a few seconds longer. At last he turned to Steve. “No further questions.”
“Great,” said Steve. “You can step down now, Jiri.”
Jiri practically flew back to his chair.
“It’s time for closing remarks, and keep it short,” Steve said. “Mr. Hull goes first.”
Brett adjusted his jacket and cleared his throat. The look on his face suggested that a speech for the ages was to follow.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” Brett said. “I think it’s fairly obvious what we have here. On the night of July 4th, 2003, Mathieu Schneider awoke to find a drunk and willing man in bed with him. A man who believed that Schneider was, in fact, my client Chris Chelios. Can you, as reasonable people, honestly believe that he didn’t use that to get his hands exactly where he wanted them?
“Why was Mathieu Schneider in Chris Chelios’ bed that night? Normal people do not wander a person’s house when they’re drunk, and just happen to fall into a bed because it “looks good.” Normal people crash on the living room couch. You were wrong, Dandy,” Brett said, looking at Dandenault. “You were wrong when you said Mathieu was like Goldilocks. This is a different story. This is Little Red Riding Hood, and Mathieu Schneider is the big, bad Wolf, waiting in Grandmother’s bed for the innocent meal to come along.
“You have all heard how Schneider took advantage of his looks to draw Jiri in,” Brett said, gesturing grandly. “Now you have only to make the easiest decision in your life. To find him guilty of his behavior.”
Brett nodded his head. “Thank you.”
“Mr. Larionov, the floor is yours,” Steve said, looking despondently at his empty water bottle.
Igor stood, the picture of calmness. Brett sniffed at him before returning to his seat.
“Gentlemen,” Igor began. “Here before you sits a man who has only done what any of you would do; act on his desires. Yes, he knew that Jiri Fischer and Chris Chelios were lovers. But he also knew that both Jiri and Chris wanted him to be their lover as well. If you were drunk and in bed with one of the men you just found out wanted you, what would you do? Especially if you wanted them back?
“Any resemblance my client bears to Mr. Chelios is purely coincidental, and certainly not his fault,” Igor continued. “It was an innocent mistake that led Mr. Fischer to get in bed with him, a mistake that was quickly remedied. If Mr. Schneider had wanted to take advantage of Jiri, as my colleague Mr. Hull claims, why didn’t he just pounce on him and take him? Gentlemen, the answer is simple: Mathieu Schneider had no intention of taking advantage of Jiri Fischer.
“Mathieu Schneider was a man under the impression that this behavior had been okay-ed by Jiri’s significant other. In his eyes, no cheating was going on; Chris Chelios had already made it clear that this sort of activity, between these two men,” Igor gestured first to Schneider, then to Jiri. “Was what he wanted to see. Chris Chelios has admitted this himself, in this very room, right in front of your eyes.
“Each and every one of you already knows there was no evil intent here. All you have to do is say as much. Thank you.”
Igor walked calmly to his seat. Brett scoffed and whispered something into Chris’ ear. The room was relatively quiet for once. Steve looked suspiciously over at the jury. By this point half of them were dozing, and the other half were gathered close to Brendan, who was writing on the pad of paper.
Steve sighed.
“Brendan,” he said.
Brendan jumped. “What?”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m taking notes,” Brendan said innocently. “I’m doing what you told me to do.”
Steve stared at him for a moment, and then heaved another deep sigh. When he spoke, it was not a question so much as a statement.
“You’re playing Hangman, aren’t you.”
“How did he know that?” Derian wondered.
“Quiet, you!” Brendan hissed.
“Okay, that does it,” Steve said, finally annoyed beyond the ability to hold it in. “Our jury is obviously not going to deliver a workable verdict, so I’m invoking the Captain’s Privilege and making the ruling myself.”
“Ohhh, so that’s what the Captain’s Privilege is,” Brendan said. “That’s not what you said it was before. I thought it was when we were at that club, and you got up on the bar and sprayed everyone with beer. Then you took off your-”
“Okay, okay, silence in the courtroom,” Steve said hastily, banging on the table with the hockey stick. “I’m ready to rule.”
“He’s ready to rule!” Darren announced. “Wake the jury!”
“Shit kicker,” muttered Steve under his breath. He looked down at the two tables before him. “Will the plaintiff and the defendant please rise?”
Brett, Chris, Mathieu, and Igor all stood.
“It is my opinion that Mathieu Schneider did not, in fact, willfully deceive Jiri Fischer into having sexual relations with him. Moreover, he did not in any way steal Mr. Chelios’ identity. What happened on the night of the fourth was the result of two men being drunk and discussing a very interesting fantasy, and a third man overreacting. Therefore, I find the defendant not guilty.”
“Woohoo!” Mathieu cheered. Igor simply smiled. Chris and Brett wore twin scowls.
“And now for the sentencing,” Steve went on.
“Sentencing?” Mathieu broke in. “But you just said I was not guilty… your Honor.”
“You are not guilty of the crimes of which Mr. Chelios accused you,” Steve answered. “But I hereby find you AND Mr. Chelios guilty of wasting this court’s time by taking this affair to us. It could have been settled simply by the two of you talking these things out.”
“I tried-” Mathieu began.
“Quiet,” said Steve. “Or I’ll find you in contempt of court.
“You, Mr. Schneider,” he continued, “And you, Mr. Chelios. And you, Mr. Fischer,” he said, nodding at Jiri, who was beginning to smile hopefully. “The three of you will now adjourn to Mr. Chelios’ house. You will discuss this matter completely. And this discussion must take place in Mr. Chelios’ bed. I assume it’s big enough for three.”
Chris and Mathieu stared at Steve with their mouths open.
“Furthermore,” Steve went on. “To ensure that an incident like this doesn’t happen again, and we don’t all have to sit through another detailed account of Chris’ masturbatory fantasies, the entire event will be videotaped. You will deliver the completed video to me for, uh, further review.”
“Objection!” Brett broke in. Chris looked at him gratefully. “Your Honor, if there is going to be a videotape, then I as the prosecuting attorney should be able to view it.”
“The same goes for me, your Honor,” Igor added quickly. “As Mr. Schneider’s legal counsel, I think I need to see this tape, too.”
Mathieu and Chris stared in horror at their representatives.
“Yes,” decided Steve. “You’re right. We all had to sit here, so we all get to see it.”
“But…” Chris spluttered.
“We…” Mathieu spluttered.
“You’d better get started immediately, there’s no time like the present,” Steve replied. “Bailiff, escort these three gentlemen out. This case is finished. Court is adjourned.” He banged the hockey stick against the tabletop, and the jury cheered. The jury began to stand up and stretch, and Kirk hit the stop button on the tape deck.
Brett glared at Igor. “Do you ever lose? At anything?”
Igor smiled at Brett. “Not when I compete against you,” he answered.
“You mean we sat here this whole time just so Mathieu, Chris, and Jiri could go have sex?” Kris asked, as he watched Darren hustle the three men out of the room. “Well, this Player’s Court was even more pointless then the time Homer accused Hank of stealing his lucky jock.”
“That at least was disturbing,” Woolley replied. “But hey, I now know more about my teammates’ sex lives and or penises then I ever really cared to.”
“Purple-helmeted love warriors,” Brendan corrected, quoting from the part of his jury notes that were non-Hangman-related. “Speaking of which, there’s one thing about this case I still don’t understand.”
“What’s that?” Nick asked, yawning.
Brendan turned abruptly Boyd. “Why do you own “Gay Sex for Dummies?”
Boyd flushed and fled the room without replying.
“Wait, you forgot your book!” Brendan said, picking it up and waving it in the air. He laughed. Suddenly, the book was taken from his grip.
“Why don’t you let me give that back to him?” Steve answered. He grinned at Brendan, who gaped back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a golf game to get to.”
Brendan stared after Steve as he left the room. Kris shook his head.
“Something makes me think that when Stevie says he has to get to “a golf game” that means he has to get to a bed with Boyd in it,” Kris speculated.
He tapped on the pad of paper that Brendan, still gaping, was holding. “Why don’t you make a note of that?”
***
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