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Letters From an American Fan
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Dear Robbie,
I'm going to get straight to the point here, do you ever plan on touring in American again? My tried ass had to drive 100 miles to bumblefuck DC, where I then had to wait out in the freezing rain for an hour (don't worry, the pneumonia didn't last too long). Once I was actually allowed inside I stood for another hour waiting for your ungrateful ass to come out. When it finally did come running onto the stage I was almost trombled by the now drunk club regulars. After a few songs this one skank fan of yours decided she wanted to pick a fight with me and I almost got arrested for bitch slapping her ass. She apparently mistook me for a sane person and when she elbowed me in the jaw she quickly found out what a big misconception that was.
When the show was over I had to find a cab to take me back to my hotel, but I guess at 1:30 in the morning there's not too many cabs running. That's probably why I was almost raped and murdered by some randy locals...thank God for pepper spray. I did however make good friends with a bum named Lou, he offered me a shot of his whiskey, which I thought was rather nice.
(Isn't Lou just the greatest?)
You'd think after everything I went through just to see you that I'd be seeking therapy to try and cope, but no, I am what you call a freak. After that concert I've waited patiently for you to come back to America so I can have yet another night of thrills and chills, but I ask you has it happened? Hmmm, let me think...NO. I've had to rely on things like E-bay, bidding on Robbie apparel, just to get my kicks. Robbie Take That doll?!? I still need one of those but they're so hard to come by ya know...kinda like you touring in America. That's ok, I'm not mad...just bitter. So get your British ass back to America ASAP before I have to take out a load for my newly acquired gambling problem.
Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan
Dear Robbie,
Who needs drugs when there's you? I'm so sick of listening to my very EXPENSIVE imported Cds. I'll have you know I just bid on 3 Pepsi cans with your adoring face on them....frigging Pepsi cans! Apparently you haven't read my last letter...that's ok. It's nice to see that not only am I wasting my money on you but I'm now also wasting my time.
Maybe you're not familiar with the country, America? Well, I'm really sorry about your miseducation, but we're that big land mass to the west of England. *Waves* Yeah, hi, that's America. Now that you know where it is, get on a plane and COME TOUR HERE...please?
Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan
Dear Robbie,
Yup, just got done reading your new tour dates for 2001, and I couldn't help but notice that America wasn't included. Are you trying to make me mad? I've got to tell you that if you are, it's working quite well. Bravo.
Yesterday I bought another expensive imported Cd of yours. I already have it from 4 different countries but this one is from Taiwan and I get a nifty free poster with it...how could I refuse? I'm hoping that you just can't decided on what venues to play at in America and will add them later on in the week when you finally do decide. Until then, I have to go to the bank to borrow some more money...there's this Robbie Williams toilet seat on E-bay I have to bid on.
Sincerely,
Your #1 Fan
Dear Robbie,
I've looked at your tour dates everyday for the past 3 weeks now and still haven't seen the American ones. Are you still confused as to where you should play? Well, hurry it the hell up, it's not frigging brain surgery! I couldn't pay my utilities bill this month and they're threating to turn off my electric. I told them to shove it, I had to buy a copy of Vogue magazine with you naked in it. I mean it's in mint condition, how can I not buy it? Exactly. Anyway, you had better hurry with those American tour dates before I'm forced to swim across the Atlantic Ocean and bitch slap you...
on your airbrushed ass.
Sincerely,
Your very broke #1 Fan
Dear Robbie,
Is this suppose to be some kind of sick joke?!? Are you trying to tell me you're NOT going to tour in America? I hope not because I don't think I could take another let down like that. I was kicked out of my apartment last week because I couldn't pay my rent. I'm now living in a Robbie Williams decorated dumpster. I go to the public library and use their computers to bid on E-bay. During the day I stand on the side of the street so I can wash people's windshields for money...this manages to support my gambling habits. Did you know someone is selling a Robbie Williams kitty pan?!? I hope my 6 new pet cats enjoy shitting on your adoring face as much as I do. By the way, the toilet seat is working out great in my new dumpster. I think I'm going to have to break out my squeezie and get to washing some more windshields just in case someone tries to out bid me...tricky fuckers.
Sincerely,
Your Desolate #1 Fan.
Dear Robbie,
You can take your American tour and shove it. I'm through waiting for you to make up your mind..."Now, should I play in New York or Michigan? Hmmm such hard choices, how does one decide?" You can play in a dumpster for all I care. Hey I'll even let you have mine since I recently got married. Yeah and you'll never guess to who...the president of E-bay! Now I can buy whatever I want and not have to worry about money. I assure you though, it won't be anything that has to do with you. No, I'm now Ricky Martin's #1 fan- he tours in America.
Sincerely,
Ricky Martin's #1 Fan
The letters above are to be taken as a joke. I would never buy Pepsi cans just because Robbie's face was on them. *Hides Pepsi cans* Though I would love to see Robbie tour here in America again, I realize it must be hard to try and accommodate all the fans, so it's cool, I'm not bitter. Nah, not at all. I'll just sit here and whittle some wood while I wait.
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