Martha: You know Christmas is such a joyous time of year. You deck the halls, drink ego nog, and go caroling. My yes, and Christmas is also the time of sharing so on that note I have invited a very special guest to help share this Christmas show with me. While cooking the delectable feast of Christmas we'll also try and break the long bitter rival between our country and his, spanning back all the way to the Revolutionary War. Now, let's bring him out....Mr. Robert Williams.

Robbie walks out onto the fake kitchen set.

Martha: Welcome Robert. Are you excited about being on my special Christmas show?

Robbie: {Walks over to Martha} Fancy a snog luv? C'mon give us a kiss. {Tries to kisses Martha on the cheek} Lovely.

Martha: {Pushing Robbie away} I know how you British men are, so no more of that...Now do you do a lot of cooking back at your castle in England?

Robbie: {Laughs} Absobloodylutely!

Martha: Hmm, that's not some British slang is it?

Robbie: What?

Martha: I know how you British people are; making up slang for bad words you can't say on American Tv so that you can try and undermine our youth. I'll have you know I've been to England quite a few times and am very familiar with the lingo so no wise guy stuff...got that?

Robbie: Whut?

Martha: I see...let's just keep our mouths clean ok Robbie?

Robbie: Alright...

Martha: {Smiles and turns towards camera} Today we will be making a wonderful turkey dinner. Doesn't that sound delicious? Of course it does. First you wanna start off with a nice looking bird....

Robbie: Right, your producer was a nice looking bird!

Martha: Hmm...Robert do you have turkeys back in your country?

Robbie: Bloody hell? Where do you think I live? Liberia?

Martha: I'll have you know I am a scholar in geography and know exactly where you live.

Robbie: {Laughing} Hey Martha, the last time I ate your turkey dinner it gave me the trots.

Martha: I'll also have you know Mr. Williams that one out of every 1000 American suffers from turrets and I don't appreciate you making fun of such a terrible disease on my show.

Robbie: No, I meant...well, ya know, your dinner gave me bum gravy...

Martha: Gravy? We won't be making my gravy until a little later Robbie, but since you're so eager why don't you tell us all about England and how you and your people celebrate Christmas?

Robbie: Well...

Martha: Wow, that sure was interesting but let's get back to making the turkey Mr. Pottymouth. After you have found the perfect turkey you're going to want to store it in the refrigerator until the day of cooking. Do your people have refrigerators Robert?

Robbie: Bloody wanker...

Martha: Good point Robert...before you cook your turkey you're going to want to remove the bloody inures. I know in many savage cultures, like, for example, Robert's, they leave the gizzards inside the turkey but here in America we're civilized and we feed them to our dogs...

Robbie: Whut?!? Now that takes the biscuit!

Martha: Now now Robert we're getting ahead of ourselves aren't we? {Turns to camera} If you're poor, like the people in Robert's country, you're going to want to cook your biscuits last that way they stay warm. However if you're rich like me then you have a bread warmer and can cook your biscuits whenever you want.

Robbie: {Talking to self} It's ok Robbie, just breathe, just bloody breathe...

Martha: Robert? Would you like to help stuff my turkey?

Robbie: Would I....

Martha: Excuse me?

Robbie: What'a want me to do?

Martha: Well, I just mixed up my world famous stuffing, {Smiling into camera} which you can pick up at any Big K store in your area. {Turning to Robbie} Now what I need you to do is take the stuffing and put it in there.

Martha points to the turkey's ass.

Robbie: You want me to shove this up the turkey's arse?

Martha: That's a true savage way to say it, but yes.

Robbie: What the bloody hell for?

Martha: {Looking into the camera} With the proper stuffing, like my world famous stuffing which you can pick up at any Big K near you, your turkey will absorb all the flavor and spices of the stuffing and taste absolutely wonderful.

Robbie: That's disgusting...

Martha: Coming from a man whose ancestors use to piss and crap in a pot then toss it out the window I wouldn't be talking.

Robbie: Aren't your ancestors the same as mine? I mean isn't Stewart a British name?

Martha: Actually know-it-all my husband's last name is Stewart, my madden name is Hutzherhof.

Robbie: You're fucking German?!?

Martha: Ja.

Robbie: I should've guessed. That explains everything.

Martha: What's that suppose to mean?

Robbie: Nothing, just now I know that you're not a racist bitch like I had thought...

Martha: Well, of course I'm not racist, you British piece of trash!

Robbie: {Getting mad} No, now I know you're really a Nazi bitch.

Martha: {Putting her fists up to fight} Oh so you wanna dance?!?

Robbie: {Doing the same as Martha} I'm going to kick your arse!

Martha: Let's go you wannabe rock star!

Martha charges at Robbie knocking him over.

Robbie: Ah, I can't breathe you cow!

Martha: Hurensohn!!!!

Robbie: Huh?

Martha: Uneducated son of a bitch!

Robbie: You cooking Nazi!

Robbie grabs the baster from off the counter.

Robbie: Let's have a see how you like it. {Robbie shoves the baster up Martha's ass}

Martha: Ooooh! Why I knew all British men where perverts!

Robbie: That's it, now you're really gonna get it!

Robbie grabs the turkey string sitting next to the bowl of stuffing and hog ties Martha.

Martha: How dare you abuse my turkey string, which you can purchase at any Big K near you, like this! Untie me at once or I shall have to get medieval on your hinney!

Robbie: Yak yak yak, shut your cake hole woman. {Robbie stuffs an apple in her mouth} That's better.

Martha: Mmmmm!

Robbie: {Looking at camera} You frigging American wankers are bloody muppets! You let morons like this {Kicks Martha} on Tv, but you won't even buy my Cd?!? What the bloody hell is wrong with you? I hate to be the one to piss in Martha's cornflakes but this show is a piece of shite. Why don't you try watching the Naked Chief or Can't Cook, Won't Cook? Now that's quality entertainment.

Martha: {Spits out apple} I don't eat cornflakes like you and your commoner friends! I'm Martha friggin Stewart, I cook a fucking 5 star culinary masterpiece when I'm hungry!

Robbie: Oh sod off.

Martha: You've crossed the wrong woman this time mister. You'll never work in this country again!

Robbie: Bullocks...it's all just a bunch of bullocks.

Martha: What? Did you say I was a buttocks? When I get untied I'm going to kick your buttocks!

Robbie: I'm out of this crazy country...

Robbie walks off the set.

Matha: Well good riddance! Now someone come over here and untie me!

The set is silent

Martha: Hello?!? Damnit, come untie me right this second or heads will roll!

The lights on the set go out

Martha: I know you people can hear me...answer me damnit! I'm Martha friggin Stewart and I won't be ignored! Hello.....hello?