 You Never Know, know you don't! 
| While busy trying to find it, Arben gaving losing it a try, but to no avail. Here's how it went:
"The large yellow ships hung in the sky in exactly the way bricks don't."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
In order to create something innovative or worthwhile, a fresh outlook is necessary. Without the ability to see something – anything – not only as it is now, but how it could be, change and improvement might never arise. I can tell you I’m sick to death of it. And another thing, what about all of those wimpy potatoes? Don’t tell me they didn’t get enough milk when they had the chance, I mean, it’s not like they aren’t insane or French or something. I can tell the difference between a hawk and my handy dandy notebook after all. And don’t think that just because I’m a mature, sensitive, enlightened and ready for high school student that I can’t key on typical and juvenile references to the pop culture of preschoolers! Why, any minute now I could have the entire ASPCA after you for kicking that kitten, and then I might break out into that Barney song. Didja know that the producers almost got sued for using that melody without permission, even though it was in the public domain? So in addition, let’s all help do our part to control the pet population. That’s right, I’m telling, just like Bob Barker would be more than glad to after a healthy check and a healthier drink, to neuter your animals any way you can. If you can afford it, sure, why not take them to the veterinarian’s clinic and have them spade or something, but if that’s too expensive, well, then it probably wouldn’t be too much trouble to get out a pair of scissors or something and castrate your cats, make eunuchs of your emus, and did I ever tell you that Peaches are in fact mammals??? Well, it’s true, it is! I can prove it, but that’s subject for another article, not (that’s easily the fourth time that I erased and rewrote the word “not”, can you believe it!?! (Sure there are better and more efficient ways to be using my punctuation, but for anyone who has already managed to read this far, the entire purpose of this loss of topic rant is hopefully to provide me with some insane, (not poisonous, mind you, just crazy) of getting into college, which I’ve heard is rather important.)) this little rant we have here. So be on the lookout in a store near you for my new bestselling novel, which I haven’t actually written, but I figure if I did, it’s easily be a BESTSELLING NOVEL, since you only need to sell 5 and twenty-seven eighty-thirds copies in order to be listed on the NEW YOURK TIMES bestselling list of bestselling novels. And what the hell, if you guys don’t want to buy my, book, which I’ve just named “Excelsioroonie,” that’s just fine, sure, bloody fantastic, I’ll buy a dozen myself, and then when they stamp the words NOVEL NEW TIMES YOURK BESTSELLING on my book in some random order, I’ll buy a few more (and so on, and so on) and then I’ll mail them to you, and you’ll have to read it, because on page one there will be a device which nails you to your chair, until it is sufficiently pleased you have passed the essay portion of the test on the forty-third to last page, regarding the previous seventeen thousand pages. Also, if you do read the book, and if you like it or don’t, please don’t reveal the secret surprise ending to your friends (“You won’t believe your eyes/it’s a secret shock surprise/when you see/Nature trail to…”) After all, we wouldn’t want just anyone off the street to be able to just read some things and then the stuff and gravy that go above those things, and then when they’re done they suddenly realise, while being hit with the lightning bolt not of wishful thinking (what the hell is with that anyway? Where’d it come from?) but instead inspiration, and then they would all know the secretively secret, surprisingly surprisful secret ending to my fabulous new book, which is on the last page, and is, in fact, a paper cut yes a paper cut, because what else could possibly belong at the end of any book and it does really make quite a bit of sense when you think of it, which is not to say you haven’t but then again, you probably have not. It’s the end of the page as I know it, so I guess now it’s time to say goodbye, to all our friends and print;.
Approx. time: 8-10 minutes of pure gell, glee, and legg. But don’t forget the SPECIAL salve. Thankyougodblessyouandgodblesstheyunitedstatesofamerica.
Download the printable version of this here in MSWord format.
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