11/20/2001
Q
I have been praying against the OW for 2 1/2 years. The divorce date is coming up and their is a wedding announcement and date set for them to marry. My children are very close to the OW. Help!
A
This is very serious. It seems from what you have shared that the wedding announcement along with the final date, that quite easily your husband could jump into another marriage. At that point you no longer will be in the position to seek restoration, but would need to live contentedly in a life of singleness, until, that marriage ended in divorce.
Has your husband seen a complete change in you? Are you close? Is he sure he was not been pursued. Have you shown kindness and love that will begin to draw him back? If this is the case, then I would rest in the Lord that He will be faithful; though the closeness of your children with the OW is still a very serious sign.
However, too often, the one believing for restoration has not taken the time to fall in love with the Lord. So the Love of the Lord, which is the drawing card to the one who has left, is not there. Your husband should, at this point, have his heart with you, with only the cords of his sin holding him back and pulling him toward the marriage. If this is the case, the marriage won't go through. But if there is still tension, and you are uncomfortable with each other, your husband will most likely move on with the marriage.
If this is the case, I would advise a LONG term fast. If you are really serious, do it! Also, stop all social stuff so you can spend every waking moment in prayer. It is not too late for the Lord right now. This is a spiritual war and if you fight it intensely in the spirit, you still can have the victory!
I will pray.
11/19/2001
Q
I have recently received your book "How God will restore your marriage" am ordering the workbook and videos. I have dealt with my situation for years but it has gotten worse. It is complicated because I have remarried. I have known that it was wrong shortly after I did it. There has not been desire or love in my new marriage. My heart belongs with my first husband even though he was remarried and had another child. He is now divorced and looking at a new relationship. I am praying for God to close that door and bring him back to me. I have to solve the situation I am in. I have relied on my second husband, now I have to find a new home and means of support, but Satan is at work trying to make things complicated. I need a prayer partner. I am taking back what is mine!
A
We do have Encouragement Partners who are accountability and prayer partners as part of our Restoration Fellowship. The office forwarded your letter to me because they read some things that are in error.
I understand your situation completely. And it is VERY possible that the Lord does have your first husband in mind for you to return to. HOWEVER, you will have to stop living your life with doing what you want to do or you will NEVER have God's best for you. You will continue to have more heartache more trouble and more defeat as a Christian.
If you believe that the Lord has placed this on your heart, you MUST allow Him to show you by allowing HIM to move in this direction on your behalf. If your present marriage is SUPPOSE to end, then your present husband will have to do it. If you go ahead and leave and pursue the divorce, then I guarantee you will never be blessed by winning your first husband back. His heart is in God's hands and no manipulation will work:
Prov. 21:1 The king's heart is {like} channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes.
Ps. 88:18 Thou hast removed lover and friend far from me; My acquaintances are {in} darkness.
Ps. 88:8 Thou hast removed my acquaintances far from me; Thou hast made me an object of loathing to them; I am shut up and cannot go out.
Unless you submit to God's plan and make Jesus LORD of your life, you will never be blessed, NEVER!
Your husband is not yours, he is God's. And if He wants you to have him, then He will GIVE him to you. Right now you need to go after God like you are going after your first husband or what you believe to be yours. We own NOTHING in this world. It is all the Lord's:
Ps. 50:10-12 "For every beast of the forest is Mine...And everything that moves in the field is Mine...For the world is Mine, and all it contains."
I don't know if your present husband is a believer, but if you get on fire for the Lord, it may just push him to release you and for the right reason. However, once your heart is right after pursuing the Lord and not the lusts of the flesh (lust of the flesh is ANYTHING we want apart from God), then the Lord may turn your heart to your present husband.
Exod. 20:3-5 "You shall have no other gods before Me...for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God."
In the book, second and subsequent marriages should be handled this way: to give up what we want for what is God's will. You must be willing to stay in this marriage if the Lord says stay, or be willing to allow the Lord to move this husband to release you and turn your first husband's heart back to you. I have seen both happen. However, make sure that you do not try to be a "Jesus freak "in order to GET your husband to get rid of you.
While you wait for God to move, you would do well to saturate yourself in all the materials that you are getting from our ministry. Read the Restore Your Marriage book over and over again. Watch the videos and really work through the workbook. Whatever marriage that you are in, you will need to be a godly wife. If God has in mind to restore your first marriage, you will have to be totally redone by the Lord and through His Word:
Eph. 5:26 that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
Eph. 5:27 that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she should be holy and blameless.
Lastly, there is a verse in Scripture that you may or may not know of that you need to seek God about:
Deut. 24:1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts {it} in her hand and sends her out from his house,
Deut. 24:2 and she leaves his house and goes and becomes another man's {wife,}
Deut. 24:3 and if the latter husband turns against her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts {it} in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter husband dies who took her to be his wife,
Deut. 24:4 {then} her former husband who sent her away is NOT allowed to take her again to be his wife, since she has been defiled; for that is an abomination before the LORD, and you shall not bring sin on the land which the LORD your God gives you as an inheritance.
You may want to tell yourself that since this is the Old Testament then it does not apply. However, Jesus said,
Matt. 5:18 "For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the Law, until all is accomplished.
Matt. 5:19 "Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and so teaches others, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches {them,} he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
I cannot annul one of God's principles. However, I have seen Jesus blood and God's mercy cover the sin of your second marriage and have seen God restore the first marriage. But again, ALL this will ONLY happen if you TOTALLY and completely lay your will or lusts aside wanting only the Lord and His will.
You may think you are fighting the devil, but too often, Christians are fighting against God because they continue to stray from their first love. Who is really your first love? Your first husband or the Lord?
11/18/2001
Q
Yesterday I went to the SOS prayer line,Y'all prayed for my divorce and wife. Today was the day of the divorce, but I got a letter in mail that the date was moved!!! Thank God, letting me have more time to make me who I need to be.
My wife and I are really good friends, I see her every day, we have no problem talking. We usually go out once a week. I am confused. You say for me to let her go if she leaves but it also says show them love. Sometimes she kisses me on lips, just pecks, but thank God. I stopped telling her I loved her unless she told me first. I take my little girl to church, but sometimes my wife tells me to let her stay at my moms, because she thinks she is not dressed up good for Sunday service. She rides with me she listens to very bad music I told her I could not listen to that so she turned it to something not as bad and was not mad at me.
A
You are doing the right thing. Don't pull away. Continue to be her husband and love her even in her sin. Love covers a multitude of sins, love never fails. You are applying the principle not to be overcome with evil but to overcome evil with good. You can do as much for her as you feel led to do. And intimacy is definitely a GOOD thing! However, as soon as the divorce goes through then you will have to refrain. But with this extra time that the Lord has given you, I am sure that it will never go to court.
The way you handle the music thing is very good. You may want to (pray about it first) mention "in love" that it hurts you when she tells you about the guys. That you still love her so much, understand that she wants to divorce, but it still hurts because you care.
To be able to bring your daughter to church, maybe you could buy her just one Sunday dress and a pair of shoes from Wal-Mart. That's what people used to do before our society became so affluent.
I will try and post "some" of what you ask on the Q & A because so many really don't understand. The people I am talking to are those whose spouses are trying to get away and they have their anger wall up. Those are the ones who need to let their spouse go. Once let go, and the believer changes, then they start coming around. That's when you win them back with kindness, words and deeds like you are doing. Unfortunately, some KEEP letting go or act aloof to their spouse when they come around. It is important that the believer is sensitive and doesn't come on too strong, always watching for signs of their spouse pulling away. But from what you have written, you are sensitive and she is not pulling away.
/11/2001
Q
I've just been on your website and have ordered one of the Restoration Packets. However, as I live overseas (in Beijing, China), it may be some weeks before I get the books, and I have some questions that can't wait. From reading the testimonies and praise reports on your site, I gather that you advise that lawyers not be used. I would like to know why. My husband filed for divorce about four years ago, but because we were both living overseas at the time and because I steadfastly refused to "cooperate" and hired a lawyer to drag things outt. He moved back to the States, and is now pushing it through. We have a trial date set. He recently sent me an e-mail (the first time he's initiated contact in more than four years) and offered me some money if I would just agree to sign the papers.
A
By prolonging the divorce and fighting against it in the flesh, your husband's anger and bitterness has been steadily rising. To restore your marriage, you need God to turn his heart; but that cannot happen when a heart is hardened.
Prior to doing anything, you need to pray and fast so that your spiritual man will be strong and your flesh weak. You will also be able to hear the Holy Spirit much better.
At this point you will only have ONE chance to go the extra mile and to give your husband your "coat" when he has only asked for your "shirt." You will also have this one chance to repent of your contentiousness (please read this chapter in the book BEFORE you send a response to your husband's request.
Since the Bible says you are to "let the unbelieving leave" and are told not to "stand in the way or path of the wicked" then your violation of this principle has caused this dilemma.
At this point your husband is appealing to you to make a treaty in his attempt to be free of you. You do not want to get entangled with a treaty (I will give you money if you will release me), but instead you are to release him freely and then bless him with repentance and giving your coat. You must pray about what is your "coat." Money for legal fees, property, belongings. Ask the Lord!! He knows what it is that will touch your husband's heart. Whatever the Lord lays on your heart, do it. I know that since you are overseas you cannot view the videos, but on one tape I explain that when I asked the Lord how I was to bless Dan, the Lord laid on my heart to buy him cheap rubber zorries (flip-flops, thongs). I stopped and bought these for 88¢ because he was walking around in summer wearing leather shoes as I had always bought them for him in the past. This act of kindness, led by the Lord, touched his heart. Also on the videos, I tell how I was led to repent just before he went to court for the divorce. I prayed for the Lord to show me what I had done that had hurt him, and He did. To me it seemed so minor, but when I repented of it to him, Dan broke down and cried and we hugged. It didn't stop the divorce from going through, but it was what made him regret the divorce afterwards, which led to our restoration.
More than likely, the divorce will go through and go through fast, but if your ONE chance at dealing with your husband is done in humility, true releasing, and sincere and broken repentance, then it should prick his heart and then God can begin to turn it back to you. You will have to wait and allow God to work while you diligently renew your mind with the resources. Be diligent, because "the days are evil and your time is short."
9/10/2001
Q
I just recently found out that my wife is pregnant with the other mans baby. We have been apart since June & in the midst of praying for a restoration of our marriage, I just found out all of this yesterday. Should I continue to stand for our marriage after this???
A
Whether to continue to seek restoration certainly needs to be your call. But if you are asking, can God restore the marriage even now -- yes!! Is there anything too impossible for Him? Will His promise of causing ALL things to work together for OUR good, fall short of this? No. Never. God can use this if, and only if, you thank Him for this. Yes, thank Him even though you may not understand, no matter how much it hurts. For in the midst of this kind of sacrifice the Lord is able to move mountains on your behalf. It is only when we are willing to be pushed back to the "Red Sea" that He will part it as we walk through unharmed.
Doesn't the Lord say that children are a blessing? Does He say only those children who are wanted, planned and in wedlock are a blessing? Go to the book of Hosea. Those children that Gomer bore were from her adultery. God can use this for your good. God can, if you praise Him, by giving Him the sacrifice of your praise, use this for your restoration. Seek His face and ask Him to show you why He allowed it. You will find that He has a plan and He can be trusted.
9/9/2001
Q
You take a very strong stand against hiring an attorney. That Jesus is our counselor. That would seem to me like the same mentality which says it is wrong to go to a doctor if you are sick, that Jesus is our healer. You really do take a strong position on this, which is fine. Those are your convictions. Why would hiring an attorney destroy your chances of having your marriage restored?
A
It is not impossible for God to restore a marriage when a lawyer is involved. However, most marriages never survive this battle in court. Most men, whose wives have gotten an attorney, are extremely bitter and refuse to even associate with them.
Also, when you hire someone to speak for you, you are ultimately responsible for what they say and how they say it. I have ministered to many women who, through tears, explained how their attorney handled their case in a way they never would have wanted it handled. Then they say they wish they had known to release their attorney before the case went to court.
Nevertheless, God can restore a marriages IN SPITE OF our mistakes; ESPECIALLY those done in ignorance. Yet, God also says that we will reap the consequences of our ignorance.
The other reason why I take such a strong stand against a woman having her own attorney is because I have seen marriages NEVER GO TO DIVORCE court when a woman was obedient to His Word as stated in 1Cor. 6. In other words, the marriage was restored before the divorce went through! If you had seen this happen time and time again like I have, wouldn't you advise the same? I have my own powerful testimony that I share on the videos. We are told that the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony is what saves. Do you suppose that I should share something else? When each spouse has their own representation, then they are "divided" and therefore their marriage will not stand.
I made other mistakes while in the midst of my marital crisis, yet in spite of these mistakes, God mercifully restored my marriage. However, I would never KNOWINGLY lead someone the wrong way or in a way that I would not or have not, walked myself; would you?
8/30/2001
Q
Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me as though your ministry puts a lot of blame on women. Whatever happened to the man's responsibilities in all of this? He is COMMANDED by God to love his wife as Christ loved the church, yet I don't ever see/hear you speak along those lines. You appear to be VERY hard on women. Women are reactors, they react to how their husband treats them. Please explain yourself.
A
Correct me if I am wrong, but when I checked our records, I found that you have not read any of our books nor seen any of our video tapes. Yet, you clicked the buttons which say you have in order to submit a question. If you had read any of my books or listened to me opening my heart out in the videos, you would not have asked this question.
For those of you who would like to me to answer the last half of her question, here it is...
We, as Christian women, are told how to "react" to a husband who does not treat us fairly: 1Pet. 3:1-2 "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."
"In the same way" as Whom?
1Pet. 2:21- 1Pet. 3:1 "For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed. For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls. In the same way, you wives..."
Jesus' life is our example. He also said this in Matt. 5:39, "But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also."
No matter how we are treated (whether you are a woman or a man), we are to follow the example of our Lord or STOP CALLING OURSELVES CHRISTIANS - which means "a follower of Christ!"
8/29/2001
Q
My spouse is still in the home.
My husband is pushing me to get a dissolution. He has agreed to stay for awhile to "work the dissolution out" but I have not agreed to it yet. He did say that he is staying open to God changing his mind. I have been trying to just stay quiet and show him unconditional love, but he recently told me he wanted to go ahead and divide our things up. I'm afraid if I tell him I won't get a dissolution this will cause him to go ahead and leave. What should I do?
A
Matt. 5:25 says, "Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison." It says to agree "quickly." Rebellion to authority is dangerous and can have catastrophic results. You must agree and submit to your husband. You must put your trust in the Lord and fear not (I'm afraid if I tell him I won't get a dissolution this will cause him to go ahead and leave). By submitting to your husband, you are applying the principles of God's Word, which will bring about a blessing. Put all your faith in God and His promises. Trust Him to turn your husband's heart back to you and stop the dissolution.
8/28/2001
Q
When I speak to my wife by phone should I stop telling her how much I love her? I just want her to know that all is forgiven and that I will love her no matter what. Can I still tell her, I love her?
A
Show her you love her by being patient. 1Cor. 13:4 Love is patient..." Does she tell you that she loves you? Does she initiate it? Unless she does, you should not tell her any more. She knows that you forgive her. When you say, "I love you" she most likely interprets this as a sign that you are pursuing her. By continuing to say this you are only pushing her farther away and prolonging the restoration of your marriage. Your wife is not living with you because she needs time to heal. Give her time. She knows you love her.
8/27/2001
Q
A divorce has been filed.
My husband knows that I am interested in a whole new marriage relationship with him, but you say the wife should not pursue the partner that doesn't want to be involved. My fear is that if I don't maintain some contact, as I have done in the past, he will interpret this as my having changed my fickle mind again and no longer interested in our marriage. Do your principles also apply to the woman who has left and wants to come back home?
A
The principles do apply. Since you have already relayed your interest in him and have repented, then you MUST leave the rest in God's hands. This does not mean that when you see each other, through his contacting you or through involvement with the children, that you act cool or cold toward him. This is your opportunity to show him you care for him by your eye contact and your countenance. Everyone is drawn to those who care for them.
When God allows the marriage to crumble, He intents for it to become totally NEW. The way you begin to REBUILD will determine how sound the house will be when it is complete. Prov. 24:3-4 "By wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; And by knowledge the rooms are filled With all precious and pleasant riches." The new foundation (Trusting in God and His Word) must be based on His principles (the Rock) or you will only be rebuilding on SINKING SAND.
Nothing that has happened so far is by chance. But when we work "with God," then the seemingly impossible future of a restored marriage, will become possible!
7/11/2001
Q
My husband called our adult daughter and asked her to get his fishing poles from our home he arranged to meet her elsewhere to get them. I feel this was to avoid contact with me & I feel a little betrayed by my daughter, as if she is protecting him from having to see me. When we do have contact, it's never hostile. Last week he even told me how cute I looked and gave me a big hug before he left. Should I say anything to him or her?
A
NO!! Never confront your husband on ANY issue!! This is in the very first chapter of the restoration book!!!
Why feel betrayed? Your daughter, like everyone else's children who have to face seeing their parents separate, are caught in the middle and are pulled apart. It was not HER sin that caused this, but yours and your husbands. Children are the only innocent victims in this! Your heart must be to understand her position and then make her aware that "whatever" she does for her father would never be against you. When we free our children up from being forced to take sides, then they, hopefully, will not suffer as much. As a nurturing and loving mother this must be your heart!
God revealed this to you to show you that your husband still doesn't feel comfortable around you and your ATTITUDE. And obviously, he was right to fear your retributions after your lashing out about "betrayal." Use it as a wake up call, repent, and ask God to BREAK you of this.
With all this said, I would also like to address your joining a SINGLE'S GROUP and about WEARING A WEDDING RING for you and for all our readers.
Single's Group
For anyone who is seeking restoration, it is imperative that you are not in, nor associating with those in single's groups male or female. Prov. 14:7 Leave the presence of a fool, Or you will not discern words of knowledge.
With one exception. If there is a person of the same gender who "boasts about their weaknesses" and warns you about all the mistakes they made, then some fellowship may be profitable.
You must choose: Do you want to be single? Then stay in the group. Do you want to restore your marriage? Then get out. Why? Matt. 18:9 "And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and throw it from you.
Ps. 119:113 I hate those who are double-minded, But I love Thy law.
James 1:7 For let not that man expect that he will receive anything from the Lord, being a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Wearing Wedding Rings
There seems to be a lot of confusion about wearing or not wearing wedding rings. Let me state up front I think all men and women who are married should wear a ring at all times. Men and women who are separated should also wear some type of a wedding ring. And in some instances, those whose spouse has remarried can wear a ring.
Now let me expound upon this. I ALWAYS have worn some type of wedding ring. There was a time when Dan, who was very angry with me (the anger wall was up), told me he DID NOT want me to wear my rings. As a submissive wife (or if you are a man - as an "understanding husband" 1Pet 3:7) I removed them and put them in a box. Dan was not wearing his rings so I meekly asked if I could keep them together. I was concerned at the time that in anger he could flush them down the toilet. Looking back "who cares?" We now have new rings to go with our new marriage!
However, without my rings on I was concerned about drawing attention to my separation. One, I wanted to stay "discrete" and two, I wanted to discourage any man who may think I was available. So I wore an inexpensive wedding band in its place. Dan, of course, questioned me about the rings (remember, the anger was up) but the Lord had shown me the entire verse in 1Pet. 3. Verse 15 says, "but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always {being} ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence..." So I was ready with a gentle and respectful response. I simply said that I was not interested in attracting anyone who would think I was available. To that he responded, "I WANT you to find someone else!" But I already knew he would say that since he had already said it dozens of times "ouch" so I responded with "I know, but right now I know I am not ready. I already was such a horrible wife to you, I wouldn't want to mess up another relationship until I get my self right." That satisfied him. This should make the principle very clear for those who are married, those who are separated. If your husband hasn't said anything to you about your wedding rings, KEEP THEM ON. If he says to take them off, DO IT. Then pray about getting something on your ring finger and be ready to explain with gentleness. If he says to take those off, then do it. But if it is said with humility, then I would doubt that would happen.
Now for those whose husbands have remarried. This is when 99 times out of 100 I would say be careful about wearing any ring for a time. And if you know that you are going to run into your husband, remove them. I have dealt personally with many women whose husbands have remarried. Most of these women are in this situation because they continued to pursue and not let go. To continue to wear your rings makes the statement, "I will NEVER let you go." Secondly, it's weird. So many of these women live in some make believe world. It is going beyond living by faith to living weird. And the sad part is that some of the husbands feed off of this, like they have two wives! I am completely serious about this. I have seen it happen.
However, for those who are wearing some type of wedding band or other ring on their ring finger to keep themselves from tempting or being tempted by someone who may think you are available - and that is your ONLY motive - then that is fine. The best method would be to not wear a ring for a time, then to begin wearing a new set.
I know a beautiful woman who has a beautiful diamond wedding set that she wears. I always assumed that she was married. Then she told me she widowed several years earlier. They were not her original wedding set, but something she wore to say she was "not interested." I am sure that if she had continued to wear the set from her late husband, people, especially Christians, I am afraid, would have made it their "life's goal" to get her to "face reality" and to "move on" with her life as if she were living in denial.
7/10/2001
Q
What should I do when my husband sits down in the living room watching T.V. eating his dinner instead of eating at the table with his family? I don't want my daughters growing up thinking this is right when it is not. My husband had told me in the beginning of summer that he wanted a divorce. He has not filed or anything.
A
First, praise the Lord every time he sits down to eat in YOUR living room and not in his own apartment shared with another woman. Then, show him your unconditional love by setting up a T.V. tray with salt and pepper and a napkin. If he is already sitting there when dinner is ready, don't call him, just serve him there.
Do NOT let the devil convince you that his behavior is going yo damage your children's perception of the way things "ought to be." You can show them the unconditional love and respect you have for your husband, their father through your kind actions and attitude. When they are older, your daughters will show you kindness and a respectful attitude.
Be very careful not to JUDGE your husband's actions "THINKING THIS IS RIGHT WHEN IT IS NOT." Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge lest you be judged." James 5:9 "Do not complain, brethren, against one another, that you yourselves may not be judged; behold, the Judge is standing right at the door." You have judged his actions harshly. More than likely, your husband is fighting the temptation to leave you and the girls, file the divorce papers, and quite possibly, resist the advancements of an adulterous woman (they are EVERYWHERE!!). "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, And smoother than oil is her speech..." "With her many persuasions she entices him; With her flattering lips she seduces him. Suddenly he follows her...!!!!!" Prov. 5:3 , Prov. 7:21-22.
If you continue with your bad attitude and ignore the writing on the wall (Dan. 5:5), you will more that likely find your husband no longer sitting in front of YOUR t.v., but with another woman in front of their T.V.! What message do you think that will teach your daughters? Prov. 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands."
7/9/2001
Q
The other night my son mentioned to me that the last time he spent the night with my husband he went into my husband's room to see if he was up yet. He was asleep, but my son said he saw a picture of me and the boys in the bed with him! What do you make of this? The night he told me we had all spent a wonderful time at the fair together, however, that morning my husband had moved into his new (second) apartment (closer to home by the way PTL).
A
It appears that God is moving mightily to restore your marriage! Hallelujah!!! Continue to seek the face of the Lord for victory. Also, be looking all the ways the Lord is moving and answering your prayers. I memorized and quoted Ps. 27:13 over and over again in my head "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living." It caused me to watch for and praise the Lord for each and every positive move of God! But if it looked like it was going the wrong way, I would quote Rom. 4:18 "In hope against hope he believed..."
Many women do not see their marriage through to restoration because they neglect this vital principle. Instead they whine and complain which keeps them living in the desert! Unless their marriage is completely restored, they are miserable. Restoration is a journey. The more you praise the Lord for the blessings along the way, the quicker and more enjoyable your trip!
7/3/2001
Q
What am I suppose to do when my husband has been writing letters to an old friend of his from high school (female) who is single and she writes him??? This has been going on all summer, about the time when my husband wanted a divorce. Praise God that my family and I are all living under the same roof. Praise God that my husband has not filed for a divorce. I have watched your videos and read your women's workbook. I have seen some changes in my husband, but nothing major is happening either.
A
There have been many men who have rekindled an old flame from high school, only to leave their family. (This is just one of the reasons why our sons 20, 18, 15 have chosen not to date - hallelujah!) Many adulterous relationships have also begun over the internet.
First of all, let me tell you what NOT to do. Do not say ANYTHING to your husband about this EVER!! 1Pet. 3:1-2 "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior." Then RESPECT him by not looking to see if letters or emails are coming in our out. If you spot one in a dresser drawer, in his coat pocket, or wherever, leave it there and PRAY!! Matt. 26:41 "Keep watching and praying, that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
Next, give the devil a black eye. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Rom. 12:21. Bless your husband that night with a special good meal or another blessing (again, don't say, hint or reveal what you have seen). His being involved with a woman is evil and insulting; therefore, we KNOW how to fight it - with a BLESSING!! "...not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing." 1Pet. 3:9.
If you can:
#1 Keep your mouth shut.
#2 Keep your attitude and actions respectful.
#3 Return kindness and a blessings instead of evil and insults.
Then you WILL see something MAJOR happen - I promise!
7/2/2001
Q
My heart wants to stop now. It's been 4 years, I've done some things right & made lots of mistakes. Is staying single what I have to do to ensure my place in heaven & to have His Grace on earth? My guilt, the pressure and consumption of doing everything consistently and precisely to have victory is overwhelming to me now. All one could do wrong & more is where I've been. Your book taught me much, but I'm emotionally & physically exhausted from trying to endure everything. All I know is I love the Lord.
A
GOD HAS A POSITIVE ANSWER
For each negative thing we say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it.
You say: "It's impossible"
God says: "All things are possible" (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: "I love you" (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on"
God says: "I will direct your steps" (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"
God says: "You can do all things" (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"
God says: "I am able" (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: "It will be worth it" (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: "I FORGIVE YOU" (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"
God says: "I will supply all your needs" (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: "I have not given you a spirit of fear" (2Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: "Cast all your cares on ME" (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: "I've given everyone a measure of faith" (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: "I give you wisdom" (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)
Dear sister,
You are clearly warn out from trying to do right. God sees your heart and He wants to give you rest from your struggles. There have been many of us who have felt the same way as you are feeling now. My advice to them and to you, is to STOP trying to do anything.
Just spend your time resting and waiting on the Lord. Don't think about restoration. Don't read any more restoration material and don't watch any videos. Don't think about what you need to do. You only need to rest in Him - that is HIS prescription for you. "Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and YOU SHALL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy, and My load is light." Matt. 11:29-30. What you have been carrying and the yoke you have been carrying is not His. Because His is easy and light!
Guilt is very heavy. That's why Jesus said for us to confess and find forgiveness. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness..." 1John 1:9. You have been cleansed from all that you have brought before the Lord.
I'm sure you have repented, so it has been covered by the blood of your precious Lord (If you haven't confessed, then do so right now, then leave it at the cross.) However, the devil likes to bring up OLD stuff, especially when he doesn't have new stuff to hang over us. "...for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, who accuses them before our God day and night." Rev. 12:10. The devil continues to plague you with these same accusations to wear you out, and it's worked. But you need not give up and assume that your only option is to live a lonely single life.
Just tell the Lord you are weary (He knows it anyway) and that you can not go on any longer. Ask Him to restore the marriage if He wants to; you just give it to Him. Then resist the desire or urge to worry about it or do anything. This doesn't mean you are giving up hope or giving up on restoration. It just means you are giving up trying - and actually, that's good!
For right now, try and "lay low" in regard to seeing or talking to your husband (if you do see him regularly). You may be tempted to say something that you will regret. Or, you may feel the urge to "try" again. Seek as much quiet time as you can alone with the Lord. There is nothing wrong with taking your phone off the hook. God will use this time for your good.
I personally think that you may be experiencing the feeling of "giving up" because you are close to the birth of your miracle. Transition is the only time I ever wanted to "give up" and felt like I was loosing it. It is common for women, whose husband's have already made the decision to return home, to experience this feeling.
Since you mentioned "living a life of singleness", for the record, unless you restore this marriage, your only option is singleness. 1Cor. 7:39 "A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord."
If we were still living under the law, you would be a widow since your husband would have been stoned for committing adultery. However, living a life a singleness is not a bad thing, unless you are living in the world. For us as Christians, it's a GREAT place since it gives us more time to draw close to the Lord. "...And the woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband."
1Cor. 7:34. Paul thought it to be great to be single and wished everyone could be so blessed! 1Cor. 7:8 "But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I." I, too, experienced this euphoria just before Dan came home. I wanted to stay just as I was so that I could live the abundant life that the Lord's presence had afforded me. Because we have been so indoctrinated into the world's philosophies and their way of thinking, it causes us to fear singleness. Then we are open game for the devil and his schemes. When I was believing for my restoration miracle and I, too, would become weary, then the lies would come. If my marriage was not restored, THEN I would have to be SINGLE all my life - OH! Horror!! But when I abandoned myself in HIM and reaped the overflow of JOY, then I thought "Wow, maybe I just might be single for life!" When the devil couldn't get me on either side, he had to give up! Contentment foils the enemy every time!
7/1/2001
Q
My heart breaks as I see my young boys crying and praying every night for their father to come home. What should I do?
A
The truth is, your boy's faith will be strengthen by this ordeal. When, not if, your husband comes home, they will KNOW that the Lord hears and answers their prayers - not always instantly, but when they pray faithfully. God knows how long your sons can take this time of stretching. The only thing you can do is make sure that you stay obedient to the Lord so that your marriage will be restored.
My two youngest became real prayer warriors during our time of separation. As a matter of fact, the one who cried the most when his daddy was gone ended up being the leader of about 30 prayer team members in our church. (the position was previously held by an adult!) I say this to encourage you. God is doing a wonderful thing here, do not fear!
Q
My husband has filed for divorce. Does what you teach always work? Do you have a 100% success rate? Do you ever have anyone follow your advise and their husband does not return? Thanks.
A
Since my restoration was firmly based on Scripture, ALL that I teach is based on Biblical truth, and testimonies, alone.
Prov. 30:5 "Every word of God is tested; He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him."
Isa. 55:11 "So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me empty, Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it."
Rev. 12:11 "And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony..."
When it is applied, with the right heart, YES it never fails since God never fails! Luke 1:37 "For nothing will be impossible with God."
I have been surprised sometimes when it seemed that the woman, or man, was doing all they should, but the marriage was not restored. Each and every time I sought the Lord as to why, God was faithful to uncover a heart condition that had not been dealt with. A test was failed and the marriage was not restored. Jer. 17:10 "I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds."
Many begin the journey toward restoration, but too often they give up. Matt. 7:13-14 "Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide, and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter by it. For the gate is small, and the way is narrow that leads to life, and few are those who find it." Gal. 6:9 "And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary."
His promises are yes and AMEN!
6/18/2001
Q
My wife has asked for a divorce. She has completed the paperwork but has not signed them. She is involved in adultery (her second involvement within the last three years) I have asked her not to leave our home so that God can work in our marriage. This is happening! What I can't seem to have peace with is that my wife wouldn't wear her wedding ring but will wear jewelry given to her by the man she is seeing (she sees him at work and socially) What should I do when she refuses to honor me?
A
Evaluate your circumstances. If you truly want your marriage restored, this is obviously not the time for you to be looking for her to honor you. This is a spiritual war and she has been greatly confused and deceived by the enemy (satan).
You must keep focused on you and keep seeking God and asking Him to reveal the changes that need to be made in you that will draw you closer to Him and your wife's heart back to you. Don't be concerned as to whether or not she is honoring you - you need to be honoring her! 1Pet. 3:7 "You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
You are right to be thankful that your wife is still in your home. But, you must be patient and wait for the Lord to move in his perfect timing. Remember the first word used in the description of love found in 1Cor. 13:4, "Love is patient..."
6/17/2001
Q
I know that your book says not to call your spouse unless they ask you to, but what about your children?
A
It is more than all right that children keep in contact with their father, especially if they are old enough to make the calls on their own accord. However, many woman try to fool their husband into thinking that it is the child who wants to call when if fact it is the wife who wants to make contact. This is a game that should never be played. Also, make sure that you never send messages through your children to their father, and that you encourage, not force them to call.
6/14/2001
Q
My husband is TOTALLY with another women and her children. He is open now about it and will only spend time w/our children at OW's house. There seems to be no glimmer of anything moving in the direction of restoration. In fact, the opposite. The children are getting more hurt and unhappy with every visit and are forced to "fit in" the new situation? I do not know why this is happening! Things feel really stalled and it is frightening!
A
You clearly have been reading, but how do I know if you are applying? I believe I can see from your questionnaire the reason God is NOT moving in your marriage - unconfessed sin; adultery.
I have been overwhelmed by the number of people who have joined our fellowship that have committed adultery but have failed to confess it to their spouse who now is in adultery! Some justify not telling their spouses with that fact that they have confessed it before God or have told another Christian - but the sin was committed against their spouse, and that cannot be ignored. Matt. 5:23-24 "If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering." Also, Prov. 28:13 says, "He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes {them} will find compassion."
During the first few years of ministry, I began to see many marriages that were not restored, even though it looked like the person desiring restoration was doing everything right. This baffled me. However, as I sought the Lord He revealed two things. One was the condition of their heart. So often the person was self-righteous (which can be deceptive) or was harboring unforgiveness (which can also be covered up for a time). The second thing was hidden sin. God KNEW about the sin, but it was hidden from the person whom it was committed against. And to say, "I don't need to do any more than tell the Lord ÔI'm sorry'" is nonsense! It takes humility to confess unfaithfulness to a spouse. To say "I don't need to..." is pure and simple PRIDE! James 4:6 "But He gives a greater grace. Therefore {it} says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
Humble yourself by praying for an opportunity to confess your adultery to your husband. While confessing, make sure that you confess to being a hypocrite and a Pharisee! If you have said or suggested that his adultery was wrong make sure you confess to your double standards as you judged his sin but not your own. Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge lest you be judged."
Matt. 7:2 "For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
Luke 6:37 "And do not judge and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.
Once you've humbly confessed, then wait a few days or a couple of weeks and see if you don't see a BREAKTHROUGH in your relationship!
6/13/2001
Q
Working in workbook now. Have 12 days per court papers. No assets stipulated in papers but husband has draft for me to review, which is hard. He doesn't want default. Husband appears softer-more open to talk. A few times he seems to doubt but not now. He asked about assets last night but I'm unsure how to handle this. I'm praying that he will see changes in me and will stop the divorce. He thinks he cannot be happy at home. Still away from Lord. Need miracle! Looks bad and hurts! Seen marriages w/o children restored?
A
Whatever is on the papers, agree to it. They will not matter once the Lord restores your marriage. As long is there is ANY division and your husband feels struggles instead of oneness, the divorce in his eyes is necessary for his happiness.
Also, in the spirit realm the division between a husband and wife is the open door or the crack by which the devil can gain access and steal, kill and destroy. The most important thing that a wife who is desiring and is seeking restoration can do is to stay "in agreement" with her husband. This will prevent any "cracks" that the devil could use for entry.
As far as the Lord delivering you BEFORE the divorce date, He may or may not. Will your faith only survive if He delivers you? Or are you confident that with your faith in the Lord that you can make it "through" the fire? You will only find this confidence in Him if you have a designated quiet time. Get one and keep it faithfully.
You asked if I have seen marriages restored when there are no children. If a marriage couldn't be restored when the couple hasn't been blessed with children, God would have made that stipulation in His word. I honestly don't know without taking the time to reread the situations of those I personally have helped but I will say this - even if there is not ONE that I know of, there is no reason why yours can't be restored for God's glory!!!
If you truly want restoration you will have to go the extra mile and be determined to not only give your coat but your shirt also, if you ever hope for restoration. I have witnessed one thing in those that have been restored - RADICAL and UNQUESTIONED obedience!!
Embrace and run with all that the Lord shows you to do. During your quiet time He will show you the way. Then obey radically.
6/12/2001
Q
Since we are now divorced, my husband said he is dating. Is this considered adultery? Do I pray the same prayers/verses in a dating situation as I would with adultery (example Prov. 5:4) or are there other verses/promises I can pray to keep him out of another relationship. I do not want him to seek a replacement for me.
A
The prayers would be the same since you are still the "wife of his youth." "Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress, And embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, And he will be held with the cords of his sin." Prov. 5:18-22.
You can pray that the woman or women he meets, as an adulteress, will use their "sharp tongue" to cut the cords that bind him to his sin. "For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech; but in the end she is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword." Prov. 5:3-4.
However, the prayer of faith will do only half of what is needed. James 2:14 "What use is it, my brethren, if a man says he has faith, but he has no works? Can that faith save him?" Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, {being} by itself. But someone may well say, "You have faith, and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works." James 2:17-18.
What are the "works"? This is working "with God" to make the changes in you! More than likely the wife your husband left, for his "smooth and sweet" adulteress, was a contentious woman - argumentative, opinionated. What you must have for him to return to you is a "gentle and quiet spirit" which is precious in the sight of God and all HUSBANDS!
6/11/2001
Q
My husband had an affair with a friend of mine and I found out six months ago. I still struggle with forgiveness even though he seems very repentant. Does it get easier with time? Also, how do you celebrate an anniversary of a wedding day when those vows were broken? I know my husband and I are going to make it by following the Lord, but it's so difficult. Am I just a hard case?
A
This area of forgiveness is a day to day process. I talk a lot about it on the "Be Encouraged!" video series which may help you much more than I am able to in this limited forum.
First, only God could help me forgive. I asked Him to do it "through" me. If you are past this point, then let me tell you what I learned. Almost anything can trigger your remembrance of your husband's unfaithfulness. A smell, a place, a photograph....anything. This is when I learned I MUST go to the Lord, again, and ask Him to help me forgive my husband.
Also, if you "entertain" the thoughts when they come to mind, it will be harder to get over the same feelings you had when you first heard about it. Keep sober in your mind. 1Pet. 5:8 "Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." How? Take EVERY thought captive. "We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ..." 2Cor. 10:5.
The devil can put destructive thoughts into our minds. But we can identify where those thoughts are coming from and fight against them. "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." Eph. 6:12.
If you battle these thoughts now, rather than giving into them, it will get easier every day. Your husband's repentance will turn to bitterness if he senses that you do not forgive him. That usually turns into an opportunity for the enemy to draw him back into the same sin. Heb. 12:15 says "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled..."
May the Lord bring you peace...
6/10/2001
Q
Are you saying that we as wives should never give our advice or suggestions to our husbands? If so, can I have scriptures to back that please?
A
Unless your husband specifically asks you, yes, that is what I am saying.
Here are the Scriptures:
1Pet. 3:1-6 "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any {of them} are disobedient to the word, they may be won WITHOUT A WORD by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be {merely} external Ñbraiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but {let it be} the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable Quality of a gentle and Quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear."
If you have the KJV this verse reads 1 Pet. 3:1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives... However, when you go to the Greek word for conversation, it says attitude not speaking.
Eph. 5:22 Wives, {be subject} to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
Eph. 5:24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives {ought to be} to their husbands in everything.
Col. 3:18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
1Tim. 2:11-15 Let a woman QUIETLY receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to REMAIN QUIET. For it was Adam who was first created, {and} then Eve. And {it was} not Adam {who} was deceived, but the woman being Quite deceived, fell into transgression. But {women} shall be preserved through the bearing of children if they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint.
If you are seeking the truth, you have found it in the above verses. If you are instead trying to find a way to do what you want, then I am sure you will find that as well - 2Tim. 4:3-4, "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but {wanting} to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires; and will turn away their ears from the truth, and will turn aside to myths."
6/9/2001
Q
My husband and I are currently going to counseling. In your book on page 24 you say that it is myth that you and husband have to seek help together. Did you mean only if he was not willing it was a myth? If not please briefly explain.
A
Based on my experience of counseling hundreds of women over the past eleven plus years, I am TOTALLY OPPOSED TO ANY COUPLES COUNSELING. Many pastors and professional counselors use this method, but it will destroy your marriage.
During counseling sessions, the counselor encourages the partners to verbalize the negative feelings, gripes and unkind thoughts that they have toward their spouse. When the Bible tells us:
Prov. 17:28 Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is {counted} prudent.
Prov. 18:7 A fool's mouth is his ruin, And his lips are the snare of his soul.
Prov. 31:11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain.
When you expose your husband's nakedness, by sharing intimate details of arguments or by sharing how your husband acted inappropriately towards you, then you are bringing a curse on yourself. Ham uncovered Noah's nakedness and he was cursed.
What we believe in our ministry, and what we advise pastors and others who are helping married couples to do, is have the man meet with a godly man, and the woman meet with a godly woman. Many times the pastor will meet with the husband and his wife meets with the man's wife. During these sessions, we do not allow "bashing, complaining or uncovering stuff." On the other hand, we do allow hurts to be shared and tears to fall.
6/7/2001
Q
My husband isn't contacting me at all..and I am under spiritual attack that is different than ever before. God keeps telling me to grab the hem of His garment. How do I grab the hem?
A
It's amazing to me how the Lord leads and speaks to women in the same way when they are seeking Him for the restoration of their marriage! I suppose I should not be surprised since Hebr. 13:8 reminds us that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes and forever." And that our heavenly Father is "without respect of persons." 1 Pet. 1:17.
When things began to get "rough" in my walk, the Lord admonished me also to "grab hold of the hem of My Garment." The way I sought to "grab the hem" was by drawing very close to Him by staying in the Word, by spending much more quiet time with Him and by trying to hear Him more. I also pulled out of many church events and other commitments to keep myself quiet so that I would not be surprised by the "sudden fear" "Do not be afraid of sudden fear, Nor of the onslaught of the wicked when it comes..." Prov. 3:25.
What I supposed was that there were rough waters ahead and He was warning me. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you." Isa. 43:2. There were rough waters, but I made it through by staying close to Him. It was a VERY short time later that my marriage was restored.
Matt. 14:36 "And besought him that they might only touch the hem of his garment: and as many as touched were made perfectly whole."
6/6/2001
Q
Do the same principals apply if there is no "other woman" but instead a spouse is in bondage to drugs, etc., as in praying for "her" to become as bitter as wormwood and "her" sharp tongue to cut the cords of bondage to sin?
A
What an excellent question! This was something I had never been asked before so I took the day to pray and meditate on it; seeking the Lord for the answer. The Lord showed me that His promises concerning breaking the bondage of adultery, or unfaithfulness, would definitely also apply to drugs, alcohol or any other sin that comes between a husband and wife. He reminded me that the Old Testament if full of the adultery, or unfaithfulness, of Israel toward their God. We know that Jesus used the example of a husband and wife to illustrate our relationship as a church (the bride) and Jesus (the groom). We also know that any time we put something ahead of our love for the Lord we are being unfaithful to Him.
If I had this revelation when I was believing God for my marriage restoration, and my husband was involved in alcohol or drugs, I certainly would pray this Scripture in the same way as if a woman were involved.
6/5/2001
Q
Do I keep our joint checking account, although we are divorced. My husband opened his own account 2 months after leaving. The bank statement keeps going to his house. He sends it to me by the children. I did an address change this past week for the 3rd time. My husband has not seemed upset about it. He is probably surprised since I was so tight with the money while we were married. I want to do what is right.
A
Unless he tells you to stop the bank statement from coming to him, don't do any more address changes and do NOT close your joint account! The fact that he is not at all angry with you, and he hasn't insisted that you stop the statement from coming to his place even though he is living with someone else is so great!! It seems that the devil is working harder on you then on him.
I am always surprised how the devil is able to deceive women (and men) into helping to destroy and divide the marriage that they are attempting to restore. Right now your only connection to your husband may be this account. God has thwarted your attempts to have the statement sent to your house. From what you have said, it was not at your husband's insistence, but rather it was you trying to do what you "thought" was right. When the devil can't get us to be rebellious, he tries to get us to do more than what the Lord has asked us to do. So he gets you to question whether to close the account so that you can truly be separate; of course, he uses your desire to do right and twists it to deceive you.
When Dan first left me, he stormed out of the house one day saying we were through and he was leaving me. When he didn't come home that night I panicked. Then the devil set me up, my mother-in-law called the very next day. Foolishly, I told her what he said. (This was the first and LAST time I told her ANYTHING - it was a great lesson!!)
As quick as a wink, she told me to ask Dan to move me into an apartment, said I should put my two children (that I home schooled) into public school, put my two preschoolers into daycare and go back to work. She went on to say that he would "never be back" and if he did come back, he wouldn't stay! Of course, she said he was just like his father. She then went on to tell me all about her friends from her divorce recovery "groups." She expounded on their hopelessness and told me in no uncertain terms that this was the life that I was about to face. She had, in a matter of minutes, declared my marriage to be dead and then proceeded to bury it along with my life and my future. Over my dead body!!
That was when holy boldness rose up in me. I thanked her for her advice (thanks but no thanks), then I told her first of all that Dan wouldn't do anything I asked him to do, so why would I ask him to move me?! I told her that the children had just lost their father; was I going to now let these little ones loose me also by putting them in the care of others and going to work?! If my only connection to Dan was our home and our children, (some refuse to let the spouse see them as if THAT would draw a spouse back?!) I would not attempt to destroy those connections. Then I made an excuse to get off the phone and never told her (or anyone else) ANYTHING again!! Who needs to hear that junk?!
This is why I tell everyone who will LISTEN not to discuss anything at all with those who will give you advice that is not scriptural - and this usually includes CHRISTIANS!! They will give you the world's advice because they spend more time watching Oprah and listening to or reading some psychological nonsense than they do reading their Bible - so how would they know anything about God's word and His promises? Believe me, they don't!
But, if we tell them our situation, then it's OUR FAULT when what they tell us hurts us, destroys us and ruins our faith that our marriage will be restored. Cathy Lechner says, "Don't share your dreams with half brothers!" When Joseph told his family about his dream (our restored marriage) at first they laughed, then they became angry, then they tried to kill him, then they sold him into slavery! When you share your visions with ANYONE that is not going through what you are going through and share your heart for restoring your marriage, then you RISK finding out they are not for you, but against you. Then not only are you fighting the enemy, but all your "friends" and your "loving" family are against you also.
That's why so many of these Q & A columns stress not telling anyone about your situation and why so much is written in all four books (Restoration books and the workbook for women and the manual for men) about keeping your mouth closed.
One more thing, I understand what you said on the questionnaire - "not wearing my wedding ring on my left hand." And why you threw them away - "When we joined a church that did not believe in rings, I took them off and threw them away, I am sorry to say."
Could this be why you fell into adultery? Would you please buy a inexpensive wedding band and begin wearing it on your left hand? If your church asks you to leave, then ask God to send you to another church that prays for marriages and has a pastor who preaches boldly about marriage restoration.
6/4/2001
Q
I feel like a 'babe'. This is the 2nd time this has happened. We went back to the same marriage counselor we talked to 2 years, recommended my husband see a doctor. When found out he was talking to the same woman he had an affair with 2 years ago, told him I didn't want to stay in our home, don't know if I made a mistake! Shamed him in front of his family, told them all everything, got opportunity to repent. Do I ask him if I can come home? Turned to a church for spiritual support. Is that OK? Do we continue with our counselor, spent $12,000? Counselor not based in Scripture, does give me advice that supports it (ie she told me to 'get out of his way' and not to shame him in front of his family.)
A
I, too, was a "babe" in the Word of God and His principles. Turning to the church may or may not be good. You must seek a personal relationship with the Lord. The church can't do that for you. The growth and change that your husband wanted to see in you the first time, will ONLY happen as you renew your mind in God's Word and apply the principles found in it. You must spend time alone with your Bible and read.
If you are going to a good church, they will disciple you in how to seek the Lord, not their programs. They will be feeding you the truth from the Bible. Unfortunately, being a new Christian, you wouldn't know if they are speaking truths or part truths. This is why we need a spiritual leader. I, personally, feel safer when a woman is not in the church alone. We are told in 2Tim. 3:5 to "...avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." These are not just the men in the single's group but too often are the pastors! Matt. 7:15 "Beware of the false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves."
As far as going to the same or a different marriage counselor, do you think counseling did much good the first time? Honestly, it will destroy your marriage. Never ONCE have I heard of "counseling" helping, but have heard from hundreds who have written with tearful regrets.
It definitely would have been better for you to have stayed in your home. But at this point, I am not sure if you should ask to move back. Would you pray for an opportunity to speak to your husband about it? If the Lord provides it, then simply say, "I know now that I should not have left and would like to move back if that would be okay." Prov. 16:33 The lot is cast into the lap, But its every decision is from the LORD. Whatever he says, agree. Matt. 5:25 KJV "Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison."
It's good you had time to repent, but unfortunately, you will still reap the consequences. Gal. 6:7 "Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap."
So many Christians walk in disobedience to the word of God and think that repentance will fix everything. It doesn't. Repentance will put you in right standing with God, but their are always consequences - even if it was done in ignorance. Hosea 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge.
6/3/2001
Q
Florida
Current Marital Status: married but separated
Would you say Jesus is your Lord? no
Do you have a designated quiet time with the Lord? no
THE QUESTION:
Husband went to court today. The judge is giving me 10 days to meet with my husband and his attorney. My husband is offering me 10 years of alimony, and never be able to take him to court for revision of alimony. If I do not meet and agree with husband and his attorney,judge will decide in a month. I feel so doubtful this marriage can be restored. Should I meet with husband and his attorney?
A
Yes, and agree to the terms or any new ones that are offered. Go with the Lord as your counselor and ask Him to "defend you" in the spirit realm where the real battle is being fought.
If you can believe that your marriage will be restored, the details of the alimony settlement aren't important.
What makes you doubt that your marriage can be saved? Faith is things unseen. Do you believe God is not able? Do you feel unworthy? None of us deserve a restored marriage. But unless you have unconfessed sin in your life, God can restore your marriage.
Your doubt is probably found in that Jesus is not Lord of your life (as you stated on the questionnaire.) You can make Him Lord right now by giving Him your life. He bought me with a price and now I am no longer my own. It was the BEST thing I ever did in my entire life!! You can know Him personally by spending time in His Word. Read the Psalms, they tell of His power. Read Song of Solomon, these are His letters to you. He loves you, I know. He is with you right now and wants an intimate relationship with you. Are you willing?