Cool
Tech Jokes
Wanna read some cool
tech jokes which could make you laugh for hours. This section of this website
contains some coolest tech jokes which I've collected from several jokes website
and newsletters. Enjoy them.
HR Director
One day while walking down the street, a highly successful HR
Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems
we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human
Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with
you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you
have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you
want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the
woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a
beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front
of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and
kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at
night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and
she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St.
Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she
spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St
Peter came and got her. So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in
heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a
second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I
think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back
to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were
dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand,"
stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a
country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all
there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."
Flight Control Software
At a recent computer software engineering
course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of
programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of
you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked
what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With
his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the
runway, let alone take off.
Software ABC
Three employees from Apple,
Microsoft and Software ABC meet at a contest to decide which firm is best. The
first part of the contest involves making an elephant laugh. The Apple guy goes
to the elephant and tries all sorts of antics. The elephant refuses to laugh.
The MS guy tries telling him jokes. The elephant shows signs of irritation with
his jokes. Now, the Software ABC guy goes to the elephant and whispers in his
ear. The elephant starts rolling on the floor laughing.
Now, the second part of the contest involves making the elephant cry. As before,
the Apple and MS guys try all they can, but in vain. The Software ABC guy, as
before, whispers in the elephant’s ear, and tears flow out of the elephant’s
eyes.
The third part involves making the elephant run. MS and Apple guys say they
won’t even try. The Software ABC guy again comes in, whispers something and the
elephant runs like mad.
So, Software ABC is deemed the most resourceful company of the year. Later, the
Apple and MS guys go to the Software ABC guy and ask him what he said to the
elephant. He says: “First I told him I worked for Software ABC…that was when he
laughed. Then I told him my salary…he cried…and at last, I offered him a job at
Software ABC.
Monkey
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll
have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side
of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the
customer, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The customer paid and walked out with his
monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That is a
very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah,
that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the
money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more
expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can
manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really
useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a
cage of it's own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the
shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth
does it do?" The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do
anything, but, the other monkeys call him the project manager."
Consultant!
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep
on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee screeches to
a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a suit and Ray-Ban
glasses, gets out and asks the shepherd "If I guess how many sheep you have,
will you give me one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sheep
grazing and says, "All right."
The young man parks the car, connects the notebook and the
mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a data base
and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-page report on his
high-tech mini-printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says "You have exactly
1586 sheep here."
The shepherd answers, "That's correct, you can have your
sheep. The young man takes the sheep and puts it in the back of his jeep."
The shepherd looks at him and asks "If I guess your
profession, will you return my sheep to me?"
The young man answers "Yes, why not."
The shepherd says, "You are a consultant!"
"How did you know?" asks the young man.
"Very simple," answers the shepherd "First, you come here
without being called. Second, you charge me a sheep to tell me something I
already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about what I do, because you
took my dog!"
New Version of 'If Love Someone Then
Set Them Free'
There is a famous saying that goes like this....
"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, they're yours,
If they don't, it was never meant to be."
Now here are some new versions...
Pessimist:
If you love someone, set them free.
If they ever come back, they're yours,
If they don't, as expected, they never were.
Optimist:
If you love someone, set them free.
Don't worry, they will come back.
Suspicious:
If you love someone, set them free.
If they ever come back, ask them why.
Impatient:
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back right away, forget
them.
Patient:
If you love someone, set them free.
If they don't come back, continue to wait until they
come back.
Playful:
If you love someone, set them free.
* If they come back,
and if you love them still,
set them free again,
repeat.*
C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_they))
m_they.free()
if(m_they == NULL)
m_they= new CThey;
Lawyers:
If you love someone, set them free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment
of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates :
If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, I think we can charge them for
re-installation fees but tell them that they're also
going to get an upgrade.
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone, set them free, THEY'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person:
If you love someone, don't set them free.
HR specialist:
If you love someone, set them free by offering them VRS
and other benefits. Then outsource them.
Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was
lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air
balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and
41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the
balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the
balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in
Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?" "Well,"
said the woman, "You don't know where you are or where you are going. You have
risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve
your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Words of Wisdom???
- Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
- Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it
spells "THEIRS"? (Ain't it the truth!!)
- And then there is the bumper sticker I saw today that read, "I can think,
therefore I am single."
Want more! okay! try visiting this page again and
again...I'll update this page whenever I get a chance.
