My Angel,

We've been a part for what seems like forever...it's been months since we've last seen each other. And it isn't getting any easier...no matter what I do...or say...or try to feel.

I've been with Riley for a long time now...almost a year. Everyday, I see him. Everyday, he's here. Everyday, I wake up and see him lying next to me...and I think to myself, "What the hell am I doing?"

Riley's a wonderful guy. He's always there for me when I need him and he knows what to do. He's smart and funny. He's brave and strong. He's kind and gentle. He's caring and supportive. He's giving and compassionate. He's dependable and capable. He's honest and honorable. He's...normal...well, as normal as any guy I could ever be with. But being with him has made me realize something...

I'm completely, head over heels in love...with you.

No matter what I do or how hard I try, I can't stop loving you...and believe me, I *have* tried. For the longest time, I tried denying it to myself. I told myself that I didn't love you...and that I never had loved you. I told myself that you never existed in my every thought, in my every emotion...I told myself that you never existed in my heart.

I tried hating you...I wanted so badly to hate you. I wanted to hate you because I didn't want to love you. It hurt too much. I wanted to feel the kind of disdain and disgust for you that would make me regret your existence. I figured that if I held enough hate for you, it would erase all the warm feelings I had, all the passion I felt, all the wonderful emotions that washed over me like a wave whenever I thought of you.

I didn' t want to feel the need to be with you like every second of every day. I didn't want to feel the constant urge to run to you...to wrap my arms around you and stay like that for eternity. I didn't want to want to be with you because I knew that you didn't want to be with me.

And even worse than that knowledge was knowing that you don't love me.

I know that you don't love me and I've tried to accept that...I really have. I've tried to follow in your footsteps. I've tried everything to forget you...but I can't...I don't know how to not love you...I don't know how you can. How is it that you fell out of love with me? Did you just wake up one day and the things you felt for me, the reasons you loved me were gone? Did you just decide you didn't want to love me? How does it work? Tell me because I sure can't figure it out.

It's hard to love you...and it's hard to not. It's like I'm pulled in different directions, sunk with different emotions. But I'm not moving...not at all. I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in a place where I can't do anything but love you.

If there's one thing I have concluded in the time that we've been apart, it's that I'm not capable of that. I love you. I love you with everything I have and I don't think I will ever stop. I know that you're the one I'm meant to love. You're the one I'm meant to be with.

Shakespeare once wrote, "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves." I heard that a long time ago but I never really gave it much thought. I never knew what it meant...but I think I've finally come into a semblance of understanding. I think I've finally made sense of it.

When I was fifteen, I was told of my "destiny." I was to become the slayer. One girl in all the world who fights vampires, demons, and the forces of darkness. Well, I've done my job. I've fought all things evil. I still fight them every single day. I fight to protect the innocent. I fight to protect those who can't protect themselves. And through all this, I wonder why I was chosen...why I'm the slayer. Why is this my destiny? But then I remember what Shakespeare said about one's destiny. I remember what it's supposed to mean. And I realize the mistake of these past five years.

All this time, I've held the destiny of the slayer. And all this time, my destiny has been falsified. I realize that now...

It is not being a slayer that defines my destiny.

It's you.

Loving you is my destiny...it always was.

And I will hold onto that...forever.

Always,
Buffy