Rant 3: Girl Power! Author's Note: Just to let you know, this fanfic is really screwed up. It's not meant to offend anyone. I just wrote it as a spur of the moment thing, and then I got bored, but decided to finish for... uh... the hell of it. So again... guys, don't be offended! Girls, don't be offended! This was for fun! Have a sense of humor! Tifa is watching "Soap Opera" on TV, Tai is working on the computer, Mike is filling out a form to win a new car, Jon is cleaning his sunglasses (all 44 pairs), Kayu is reading manga, Storm is mending his cape, and Tony is taking a nap in his room... Tifa: *turns off the TV* Wow! What a good episode of "Soap Opera"! Jon: Ah... soap operas suck! Mike: Yeah! Hm... What color should my new GTO cruiser be? *ponders* Storm: Damn it! I can't get this thread to work! Tai: Uh huh... Kayu: *ignores them and keeps reading* Suddenly... Tony from his room: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! All: O.o Tony: *runs downstairs, but something is different about him* All: GASP! Tony: Guys!!!! Something's wrong with me!!!! HHEEELLPPPP!!!! All: Holy shit.... Tony: *has turned into a girl!* Tifa: You have longer hair! Storm: You got a rack! Mike: You're a fucking girl! What the hell did you do?! Get a sex change?! Tony: NOOOOO! I woke up like this! I don't know what happened! HELP!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE A GIRL!!!!!!!! Kayu: Did you steal any pills from a goddess' room and take them thinking it would be a cure for an unknown disease, but instead they turned you into a girl because you didn't mix them properly? All: O.o? Kayu: ..... It was in Ah! My Goddess!!! Jon: This is no time to be talking about your stupid manga! Tifa: *stares at Tony* Tony: Look, Tifa... I'm still a guy on the inside. Please don't think of me as a different person now. Tifa: .... No fair! Tony: Huh? Tifa: Yours are bigger than mine! Tony: O.O; Kayu: *laughs* Mike: You know... she's right. They're fucking huge. Tony: SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!! JUST HELP ME FIND A CURE!!!! Cloud: *breaks through the window* All: O.O;; Cloud: I have come for my beloved Tifa-sama! Tifa: Not again... Cloud I said it was over! Just accept it! I don't love you anymore! Go screw Yuffie for all I care! Just leave my Tony-kun and me alone! *thinking* I'm beginning to sound like Kayu. Cloud: Well, I don't see your boyfriend anywhere! *grabs her wrist* Come my darling! Tifa: Are you deaf! NO! Cloud: *jumps out the window, dragging Tifa behind him* Tony: TIFA! *tries to follow them, but is held back* Mike: Wait! You can't go out there like that! Tony: Let me go! Damn it! Mike: WAIT! Tony: NO! You're touching my boob! Get off! Mike: *blushes, but smiles* Kayu: Pervert... but he is right, Tony. You can't go out there, without proper training! Tony: Training? For what? Kayu: *eye twinkles* You must learn how to be a girl!!!!!! Tony: WHA!?!? Scene changes to a Japanese temple, with cherry blossoms floating down from the trees. Kayu is wearing a gown, the kind they wear at temples in Japan, and is holding a fan in front of her face. All the guys are sitting on the ground in front of her. Tony: You gotta be kidding! Jon: What the hell are we doing here!? We aren't girls! Mike: Shit! I still have to mail my entry form! The post office closes soon! Tai: I don't think I should be learning how to be a girl. Storm: Yeah. It might mess you up. Kayu: *snaps the fan shut loudly* Silence! All: O.o; Kayu: Tony, as long as you're a girl, you'd better know how to act like one! You guys are here so you can help him, plus you might learn something valuable. All except for Tony: Like what? Tony: *blushes* I don't need to learn how to be a girl! I have to go save Tifa! This is wasting time- *his lower stomach starts to hurt and he feels strange* OOOWWWWW!!!! Kayu: Hm... your stomach hurts, eh? Hehehehe.... Tony: What's so funny?! OW!!! *holds his stomach* Kayu: Go to the bathroom... now. Tony: O.o? *goes in the boy's bathrooms* Kayu: NOOOOOO!!!!! Get out here!!!!! Tony: *runs out* I forgot! Don't blame me! *goes into the girls bathroom* All the guys: *look at each other* Maybe this will be harder than it looks? Hehehe... Tony: AAHHHH!!!!!!!!! *runs out* What the fuck?! Kayu: See? That's why you need training! Tony: But... but... I can't deal with this! NOT THIS!!!!!!!!! Kayu: Hai hai. Of course you can't, but we girls have to deal with it every month, so... *tosses him a pad and a tampon* you can decide which one to use. Hehehehe... Tony: O.O;;; Guys: HOLY SHIT! Later.... Kayu: Okay, first of all, you have to change your attitude. Don't be such a hot head, and just stay calm in tough situations. Tony: What the hell do you mean change my attitude!? It's fine! Kayu: Look, you can have an attitude when you have PMS, but for the rest of the time just don't act so tough. Tony: *blushes* F-Fine... I'll work on it. Guys: *laugh* Kayu: Second, you have to remember this.... YOU ARE A GIRL! And you have to decide if you want to like guys or girls. Tony: OH COME ON! I'm not talking about this shit! I LOVE TIFA! FOREVER! Kayu: All right, but then it kinda just makes you seem like a lesbian. Not everyone knows you are truly a guy. Guys: *laugh harder* Mike: AHAHAHAH!!!! Hey Tony! Give Tifa a BIG kiss when we find her! Kayu: *rolls eyes* Third, stand up. Mike, come here! Tony: O.o? *stands up* Mike: What? Kayu: *kicks him in the balls* Mike: SHI- *falls to the ground* Tony: What the hell? Don't kick me! Kayu: *kicks him there too* Tony: FU- huh? Hey... that didn't really hurt... Oh yeah! Right... Kayu: You have to remember you are a girl! FEMALE! Tony: Right... am I ready now? Can I go?! PLEASE! No more! I can't take much more! Kayu: Hm... I don't feel like talking about this much anymore either... all right! Go save Tifa! Tony: *is about to dash away* Kayu: WAIT! ONE MORE THING! Tony: Wha? Later... Guys: Looking good! Tony: *blushes* Do I really have to wear this? Kayu: Unless you want guys hanging all over you because you're not wearing a bra, I suggest you wear those clothes. Tony: Shit... I feel like a cross dresser! They finally leave to go find Tifa. They travel around the city for a while, and Tony gets some inviting looks from some men. He ignores them, and continues the search. Then they see Yuffie walking down the street. They drive slowly next to her. Tony: Yuffie! Yuffie: Huh? Who are you? Tony: It's me! Tony! Tifa's boyfriend! Yuffie: WHAT?! Tifa is a lesbian! Kayu: Tony! Remember you are a girl! Tony: O.o; Storm: We are looking for Tifa! Jon: She was kidnapped by Cloud! Yuffie: W-W-W-W-W-WHAT!? Cloud-kun told me he didn't care for her anymore! That lying, cheating, son of a bitch! When I get my hands on him I'll ring his neck, chop off his balls, feed them to the dogs, and make Barret shoot him! Mike: Um... so can you tell us where Cloud is? Yuffie: Oh yes! Follow me! Meanwhile... Tifa: *is beating the shit out of Cloud* You son of a bitch! I will beat you to a bloody pulp! Cloud: OWCH! Stop! OW! Tifa: When my Tony-kun gets here he'll beat the shit outta you! The doors slam open. Yuffie: CLOUD! You little bastard! I'm gonna kick your ass so hard your balls will fall off! Cloud: Y-Yuffie!? Wait! Let me explain! You see- *runs away* Yuffie: GET BACK HERE! *chases after him* Tifa: O.o; Tony: *runs into the room* TIFA!!! Tifa: Tania! Tony: Wha? Tifa: Oh um... Tony! Tony: I came to rescue you! Let's go! Tifa: Wait! We have to find Cloud! He was the one who turned you into a girl! Tony: What?! How?! Tifa: He used the Gender Materia. When it touches a host, it turns them into the opposite sex. In order for you to turn back into a guy, you have to touch the materia! Tony: Then let's go find that bastard before Yuffie puts him into a coma. They all leave to find Cloud and Yuffie... Finally, they go to the docks and find Yuffie beating Cloud with Aries' staff. Yuffie: YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOU'LL KISS THE MOON!!! (kudos of Kidd) Cloud: AHHH!!! STOP!!! OWWW!!!! CRAP STOP!!!! They all walk over to Cloud and surround him. Tony: Cloud! Give me that materia! NOW! Tifa: Hand it over you dick! Cloud: Oh um... well, you see... I uh... sort of... lent it to Cid! Tony: You what? Where the hell is he?! Cloud: He's on the Highwind, flying all over the world! Tai: Why the hell does he need it? Cloud: I don't know! He just wanted it! And it's not like I was planning on changing Tony back! Tony: Why the fuck did you do this to me!? Cloud: I thought that maybe if you were a girl Tifa wouldn't like you anymore and would like me instead! Unless... wait... Tifa! Are you a... lesbian?! Tifa: *kicks him in the nose* SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Storm: Hey! Lets go! We gotta find the Highwind! Mike: Yeah! Lets move our asses! They start to run away... Jon: Yuffie! Kick Cloud's ass for us! REAL GOOD! Yuffie: *summons Ramuh on him* They all leave the docks... They rent a small plane and search the skies for the Highwind. After looking for hours on a radar system Tai hooked up, they finally find the airship near Australia. Tai: There it is! Tony: Let's find that damn materia! They board the airship while Tai stays on the plane to pick them up when they return. Kayu: So... um... let's go find it! *runs off* Mike: Don't worry man! We'll find it! *runs off too* Everyone else sets out to find the materia. Tony walks down a short, narrow hallway. He passes many doors, and finally sees the last door at the end of the hallway. He enters and sees Cid holding the material. Tony: Cid! Give me that materia! Cid: *turns around at looks at Tony* Huh? Who are you little missy? Tony: ARG! I'm not a missy! I'm Tony! TONY! Cloud changed me into a girl with the Gender Materia, and you have it! Now give it back! Cid: *blinks* Tony? Gee, I would have never recognized you! Hahaha! Tony: The materia!!! Cid: Right right. Well, uh... if you want it, then you're too late. I'm selling it on Ebay for $1,000,000, and I don't think you have that kind of money. Tony: WHAT?! AAHHH!!!! *throws a fit* The others walk in to see Tony throwing a fit, and Cid standing there staring at him. All: O.o; Kayu: So much for keeping his cool. They drag Tony out of the airship and back to the plane. Tony: Okay... se we need to come up with $1,000,000. But how? HOW?! Mike: I won! I won! *dances* Tifa: Won what? Mike: The GTO! I won it! All: ^_^; Storm: Uh... Mike... Mike: Yea? All: *grin and a sweat drop forms* Jon: We are going to have to sell your GTO to get the money for the materia. Mike: NOOOOO!!!!!!!! I don't care if Tony stays a girl! Don't take my precious car! Not my car!!!! After a few hours of convincing Mike to sell the car, he finally agrees. It turns out Tifa will have to kiss Mike, and she has to pretend to like it! Gasp! They go back home and get on a computer. Tai: *enters the URL to Ebay* Here we go! *finds Cid's auction* Okay! Tony: Yay! Let's buy it already! They place their bid, but have to wait a week for the auction to close. So during that week, Tony learns some more about the crap women have to go through…. and shite. So a week later… Kayu: Hey! We got the Gender Materia! *dances* Tony: Really!? Yes!!!! *dances too* Tai: Hm... we were the only ones who made a bid... no wonder we got it. Tony: Who cares?! I can go back to being a guy! All: Yippy! *dance* The doorbell rings. Tony answers it and there is a UPS guy holding a little box. UPS Guy: Package for Tony Ibacuni. Tony: Yea! That's me! UPS Guy: Sign here... and here.... and here... and here... initials here... and sign here. Tony: *signs for it* UPS Guy: Thank you ma'am. Have a nice day. *he turns to leave* Tony: *slams the door* UPS Guy: ...huh? *realizes that a girl was named Tony, and gets a bunch of weird accusations* *wonders about it for the rest of his life* So Tony uses the materia, and changes back into a guy. All: *dances some more* Tony: This materia is too powerful for humans to use. It must be hidden away, where no one will ever find it. Jon: Okay... let's drop it into the Mariana Trench! All: Yea! So the get a ship and sail over the Mariana Trench, and drop the materia into the ocean. Tony: So... now that this is all over... let us never speak of it again. All: Amen! Storm: Who's up for pizza? All: Me! They return to the land and go to Pizza Hut. As they are eating pizza... Mike: Hold on one fucking second! I sold my GTO to pay for the materia... and then we threw it into the ocean... What the hell was I thinking!? *throws a fit* Storm: Mike, we'll each buy you some Pin Sol. Mike: Okay! And they lived happily ever after... until all the fish in the ocean changed their gender, and the ecosystem got all screwed up. The End! Author's Note: I told you this was one messed up story, but I had fun writing it! Hm… the ending was really stupid, but I wanted to finish it. So... I hope you all weren't too disgusted with this piece of crap!