That's what I always said, when I was a little kid, when Momma wanted me to clean my room...or come in out of the rain...go to bed...turn off the tv...I'd get that little whine in my voice that Matt says makes everyone wanna whack me upside the head, and I'd plead...

Do I have to?

Now I'm older...too mature to whine...although sometimes I wish I could get that little whine to my voice...

A little over a month ago, when the Draft Notice came, I wanted to walk right up to the President of these here United States...

Do I have to?

December 24th, when that little voice in my head told me I'd have to be cheerful for Christmas, for Matt, even though I wanted to break down and cry in the shelter of his arms...

Do I have to??

Tonight, New Year's Eve, when I know I'm gonna be leaving in a week, when I know it's gonna be impossible for Matt and I to enjoy ourselves...

Do I have to??

I know the answer, of course...just like all those times I'd beg Momma to let me clean my room tomorrow, let me splash in a few more puddles, let me stay up for five more minutes, let me watch just one more commercial...

I have to.

I have to go to boot camp...get all my hair shaved off...do push-ups in the mud for some angry guy...

I have to go to war...run around dodging bullets...shoot at people who never did anything to me...

I have to say goodbye...goodbye to my friends...my family...my Matt

At least I might be able to have a little fun tonight. Jason is throwing a party for all us who're going away in a week...

I'm in the bathroom right now...I needed an escape for a minute...

I go back out and scan the room, looking to see who showed up...

There's Adam...bright hair and even brighter teeth...he'll be going with me, off to kill...he's the main reason Jason's having the party...Jay wants one more night to party with him before we leave...everyone knows the next week will be mostly teary good-byes, and last chances...

And Shannon...my best friend I'll ever have...he didn't get drafted, but enlisted when he found out I was leaving...little Shannon, who has the face of a ten-year-old...but the wisdom of someone far older than he...the giving heart of a little child...he's choosing to go off...he said he didn't want me to be alone out there...

Greg Helms is in the corner, talking to Jason over the music...he got drafted like me and Adam...too bad he's not a real superhero...I bet The Hurricane and Mighty Molly could get us out of this mess...

Jason looks like a wreck, even though he's trying to be brave...he and Adam had just gotten together romantically, after years of pining away, a week before the draft notice came...it's not fair...if Adam dies out there, the two have them won't have had enough time together...at least me and Matt had a couple years...

Ah, Matt. Leaning back against the wall, hair pulled back in a sensible ponytail...sensible, just like Matt...not wild, not crazy...but stylish, and practical...it fits him. He's the one I don't want to leave...why didn't he get drafted?

Even before I ask myself, I know the answer...well, I don't know all the details...all I know is there's something wrong with Matt, something that the Army said made him unfit to fight...Matt won't tell me what it is...I wish he would...maybe it's something genetic, and I need a checkup...

Hey, I can hope.

Shannon crosses the room to talk to Matt...no one seems to realize that I'm back from the bathroom...

Matt's smoothing back his hair, it looks like he's trying to comfort him...Matt was always good at that...poor Shannon, must be scared...

Jay finished up his conversation with Greg, he's over with Adam now...

The song changes to a slow, pulsating beat...Jay pulls Adam into his arms, and the sway together

Jay's head is burrowed into Adam's shoulder, and I can tell by the way his shoulders shake that he's crying...poor Jay...

Poor Adam...I'm lucky that Matt isn't that bad, I don't know if I could deal with that on top of everything else right now...

I'm so busy watching Adam and Jay, I don't notice that Matt has finished his conversation with Shannon...not until his strong arms slide around me, pulling me close. I melt against him, breathing in his scent, his warm, masculine, comforting scent. This is Heaven, just him and me, wrapped up in each other's arms...wrapped up in each other...

"I think this is what I'll miss most when I'm gone"

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"Me too, Matty, me too"

As we sway to the music, one thought keeps running through my mind.

I'm leaving in a week...I'm leaving in a week...

Do I have to?