*Note: This is the third and final installation of CSH. It's been fun...in a masochistic sort of way.
Avril Lavigne is
the biggest, most obtuse whore in the pop world. Even more so than that stupid
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" girl.
Think about
this. Just what a music industry already
chock-full of morons needs, some stupid hag that capitalizes off of a ‘bad girl’
facade and wears camouflage because we all know that camouflage decidedly makes
someone look like a hardcore rebel, especially since those kooks in France wear
the same shit. French clothing designers
are some of the most badass people around, you know. In fact, she’s so ‘punk’ she needs her
publicists to pepper all these media morons with lines like “she writes all of
her material in camouflage notebooks” to build up her image, especially since
when I was in 3rd grade I did my spelling homework in a camouflage
notebook. It makes sense, seeing as a
3rd grader’s spelling homework and a posing pop-star’s writing are on
the same hardcore level.
I’m thankful that
such a moron can come out and patronize a sport that I love…or not. Really, the song SK8ER BOI [sic] is so blind
to the truth that I could just bite a cute little kitten’s head clean off. I actually downloaded this piece of shit tune
so that I could more accurately describe why it’s bogus. The shit I do for you people. What’s worse is that after listening to it, I
realized that I already knew what the song was about and I waited 5 minutes to
download it and another 2 to listen to that putrid noise. I’m suing this bitch because I want that 7
minutes of my life back, and my memory of that night wiped clean. Basic story, boy and girl like each other,
girl can’t date boy because her friends disapprove of his skateboarding, and the
skateboarder makes it big in some gay band while girl is left alone with kids
and shit. Avril ends up with punk rocker
skater and lives happily ever after.
This song is so infectiously stupid that I wanted to write fan mail to
Blink 182, and after typing this I have decided to chop off my right hand at the
thought. Put that shitty story over the
sound of a guitar taking a shit and fuck with the spelling to be ‘hip’ and
‘individual’ and you end up with a hit single.
There are many
things wrong with that song. First, the
likelihood of those events is complete bullshit to begin with. Honestly, that kind of story is just
untrue. We’re supposed to feel sorry for
some ignorant bitch that was ruled by her slutty friends? What a compelling song, what with the girl
that can’t make her own decisions and the shitty ending. Nobody cares that much if you’re a
skateboarder or not, to be completely realistic. People might make fun of someone for being a
skateboarder if they don’t necessarily like that person, but I know from
experience that people have less of a problem with it than whiny, Tony Hawk’s
Pro Skater generation punk-rock kids make it out to be. Ask any person who just skates for the love
of it and they’ll tell you the same thing.
The cards are not that drastically stacked, but these cry babies make it
sound like they’re being forced to take a seat in the back of the bus because
the tennis player wants a seat next to the door. Get over it.
Case in point, I
know a really stupid girl in my Personal Communications class that used to
always call me, follow me around town, and come over to my house to see me like
an obnoxious whore. She knew I skated
then, but she liked me and thus liked skateboarding. I ended up blowing her off because she’s a
fucking idiot (literally, I couldn’t take how stupid she was). Now the only thing I hear from her is how
“skateboarding is gay.” She’s the exact
point I’m trying to get across.
Generally, if someone likes you, they have no problem with
skateboarding. On the flip side, if
someone doesn’t like you, they will use skateboarding as a way to get on your
nerves. Most of the time they can’t even
properly make fun of skateboarding. If
it weren’t skateboarding, they’d find some other way to try to get at you. The majority of people have no problem with
skateboarding anyways. Joe Smith
Shit-eater III doesn’t have anything against skateboarders from his duplex in
Hillsdale. Whining about being a
skateboarder and being hated is like whining about being a republican and having
democrats hate you.
There is a small
percentage of ‘discrimination’ that falls upon skateboarders, but it mostly
deals with getting kicked out of spots and the law enforcement. Even then,
sometimes we ARE destroying property. No
matter how much fun it is, skateboarders still cause their own problems from
time to time. I know I’m guilty of this,
and I will probably continue to be for the rest of my life because I enjoy it,
so why bitch about ‘the man’ when you can just quit skating and not have to
worry about it? Like I said, that kind
of hate only really comes up when the person doesn’t like a particular skater to
begin with. So what if some of you
dipshit skateboarders out there (and I guess that includes myself and
non-dipshit skateboarders as well) have to put up with a couple of people in the
halls at school saying “Hey, why don’t you go skateboarding!” Boo-hoo, some jock just unknowingly gave you
great advice. What a hard life you live
with people always cutting you down. Oh,
here’s another one, “Skater fag.” My
deepest condolences go out to whoever’s on the receiving end of that
zinger. I would put an exclamation on
the end of that last sentence but I just don’t give a shit.
What’s worse is that during Avril’s 2 week long skyrocket to fame, Layne Staley (Alice in Chains) died of a heroin overdose and Jerry Cantrell became a popular solo artist. I will attempt to put the events in a timeline as follows.
----Layne dies----Avril's stupid first single hits----Jerry Cantrell's single "Anger Rising" gains airwave attention----Sk8er Boi becomes a hit among 11 yr. old Asian girls----
Alice in Chains deserves all the attention they get even if not for Layne dying. Did MTV play the entire Alice in Chains video (music and live performance) catalogue? No, but they played Avril and probably Nirvana. Their situation is much unlike shitty Nirvana that always sucked but somehow gained recognition and then really blew up when Kurt Cobain killed himself. Levon knows what’s up. Instead the fuckers played insightful music with ingenious rhyming like HE WAS A SKATER BOY, SHE SAID SEE YOU LATER BOY! Easy there, Shakespeare.
I’m not the only
skateboarder that's this disgusted, I just happen to be far more articulate than
many of them. Enter Tony Trujillo, a
professional skateboarder and winner of the Thrasher Magazine Skater of the Year
crown. TNT, as he is dubbed, just has
fun on his skateboard and gets paid money for it. He is also fronts a band. The name escapes me, but it would probably be
something awesome like Finding Nemo’s Stash, or perhaps Baby Catapult. Anyways, Ms. Contrivance with her head up her
ass had some little crush on him for a while, which is completely understandable
because if I wasn’t such a blistering homophobe I would probably have his name
tattooed on my balls. So, Avril being
the hardcore wuss that she is, sent one of her ‘people’ up to the hotel room
where TNT was no doubt relaxing after a hard day of stomping out the collective
holes of buck-toothed, red headed, fat 13 year old kids with bitch tits that
randomly got in his way at the local skate spot or park. The purpose of Avril’s social peon was to ask
TNT out on a date. As if she wasn’t
enough of haughty bitch already, she needs an entourage just to talk to a
guy. Upon receiving the news, TNT
replied, “That chick is fucking stupid” and slammed the door. Awe-inspiring.
The coup d’grace of
events following the door slamming are not exactly plausible (read: true) but
I’ll just recount everything that I either heard or made up. Apparently, TNT jumped out of a two-story
window with a hockey stick in his left hand and fell onto Avril. Upon landing on her, TNT shoved the hockey
stick right up her ass. He then stood up
and ripped her nose-ring right out and hit her over the head with her
guitar. Doing this several times proved
to be futile because Avril’s axe was merely an inflatable guitar purchased at
the nearby Toys-R-Us. He then proceeded
to run around town swearing at old people and children and ultimately set fire
to the house where the newest Real World season was being filmed. Eventually, the police caught up with TNT and
shook his hand because the Real World sucks.
I blame Avril for
the most recent outbreak of whiny skaters that I have to put up with at every
skatepark I go to. Really, if you have
such a problem with being made fun of, don’t skate. Period.
Even if people kicked your ass every day for it, it would be completely
worth it when compared to how much fun you have kicking your own ass skating
monster gaps and stairs, or just fucking around skating a random curb, ledge, or
ramp somewhere. But we have hags now
that go around drawing lines between ‘jocks’ and ‘skaters’ and therein lies the
problem. I know that not everybody will
get along, and I don’t want to get along with everybody (or anybody really), but
the main point is that shitty musicians are completely making big deals about
minute problems that actual skateboarders don’t really give a shit about. Skaters have worked hard gaining acceptance
since the prevalent form of street-skateboarding hit in the 80s, and all of a
sudden Avril is there, reinventing the wheel.
This bullshit she sings about might have been a problem in 1989, but hard
work saved us from it, so please don’t fuck with it.
A great model of a celebrity doing good for skateboarders would be Dave Chapelle. I bet 90% of you out there didn’t know that the star of his own Comedy Central series, now in it’s second season, actually skates. Why do I think he does good for skateboarders? Because he doesn’t oppress his views of it on the world for his own personal gain. He just skates to have a giggle and doesn’t make a big deal about it. He leaves the skateboarding world alone because he knows that the skating world itself is a paradox of it’s own values. Dave Chapelle rules.
11 year old Asian girls will hate me for insulting their hero. Asian girls just don't get it.