10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan
9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from "Bridge Over the River Kwai"
8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name
7. To impress the babes
6. Kicked in head by bantha
5. Misunderstood name, thought the "Dirk Side" was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict
4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine's seductive after-shave
3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock
2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire
1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones
TOP TEN SCENES CUT FROM ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY

10. Controversial Chewbacca/C3PO romance
9. R2D2's breakdancing scene on Hoth
8. Seventeen-second belch issued by Admiral Ackbar during crucial briefing before Battle of Endor
7. Entire subplot dealing with Jabba's marital problems
6. Dirty word being spray-painted on wall of Imperial shield generator by adolescent Ewoks
5. Marlon Brando's uncredited cameo as Bail Organa
4. Rejected ending for first movie in which all main characters die in Death Star garbage compactor
3. Glowin' Greedo
2. Six minutes of dialogue during which Mon Mothma had a booger on her lapel
1. Product placement by Cream of Wheat
TOP TEN FUN THINGS TO DO ON TATOOINE

10. Bantha races
9. Racing landspeeders to the Dairy Queen and back
8. Oil baths (droids only)
7. Taunting Jawas
6. Find-the-charred-remains-of-your-foster-parents
5. Sweatin' to the Oldies...and, for that matter, to the current hits, too
4. Checking out the wretched hives of scum and villainy in Mos Eisley
3. Bulls-eyeing whomp-rats in your T-16
2. Fishing for Boba Fett's helmet in the Sarlacc pit
1. Pin-the-tail-on-Glowin'-Ben!
TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS NOVELS

10. Luke opens a ranch devoted to the fine art of motion picture effects, names it after himself
9. "The Courtship of Darth Vader"
8. The adventures of Han Solo's accountant brother Seymore
7. "The Complete Wookie Dictionary"
6. "Boba Fett: The Wacky Teen Years"
5. An entire book devoted to all the options Anakin Skywalker went through when designing scary Darth Vader costume
4. "Luke Who's Talking!!"
3. A three-volume set documenting the first official crossover with the beloved "Willow" universe
2. "Biggs Darklighter: The Man and His Music"
1. "The Big Pop-Up Book of Rancors"
TOP TEN WAYS ALL MOVIES WOULD BE BETTER IF PATTERNED AFTER STAR WARS

10. First James Bond movie would have been Grand Moff No
9. Police Academy movies retitled Jedi Academy
8. Due to union rules, a Wookie would have to be standing in the background of all outdoor scenes
7. During Hollywood premieres, midget actors in Ewok costumes would skip up and down the aisles, handing out Raisinets and malted milk balls
6. Van Damme would be eated by a giant space slug
5. Imagine the drama, when, at the end of Gone With The Wind, Scarlett and Rhett discover they are actually brother and sister!
4. Star Trek II would have featured exciting lines like: "Kiiiiiiiirk! I am your father!"
3. During entire eight years of his presidency, Reagan would have worn bright orange X-Wing pilot's outfit and helmet
2. In first Batman film, Jack Nicholson would have delivered best Joker lines in fluent Huttese
1. Lethal Weapon films would have starred Mel Gibson and Billy Dee Williams
TOP TEN SURPRISES GEORGE LUCAS HAS PLANNED FOR NEW STAR WARS TRILOGY

10. Luke and Leia named after their mother's favorite talk-show hosts
9. When first hatched, baby Rancors look almost exactly like Barney
8. Let's just say that Anakin Skywalker was no great looker even before he fell in the lava pit
7. Luke and Leia's mother to by played by Shannen Dogherty
6. By federal law, new theme music must be composed by Danny Elfman
5. Clone Wars erupted after unethical scientist filled a tropical island with genetically engineered dinosaurs
4. Part of young Obi-Wan Kenobi to by played by Jim Carrey
3. We'll finally get to hear the lavish musical numbers cut from earlier films
2. If you look closely during the last five minutes of the second film, you can see brand-new Millenium Falcon being sold to Lando Calrissian's uncle
1. Many Bothans will die to bring us these films
TOP TEN PACKAGED FOODS IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE

10. Hutt n' Honey
9. Lando "Lakes" Calrissian Brand Butter
8. Bits-O-Alderaan Cereal
7. Bantha Biscuits (not a big seller)
6. Kashyykburgers
5. Kibbles n' Bothans
4. Ham Salad in Carbonite
3. Yoo-Hoo
2. Jabba's Live Slimy Frog Things
1. Chocolaty Palp-O-Tine
TOP TEN CRAPPY IMPERIAL JOBS

10. AT-AT jockey
9. Ewok patrol, forest moon of Endor
8. Cleaning the inside of Vader's helmet
7. Emporer's manicurist (must wear asbestos gloves)
6. Valet job parking Star Destroyers
5. Liaison to Alderaan
4. Garbage compactor monster wrangler
3. Interrogation droid tester
2. One of those little toaster robots that hum
1. Death Star Firing Sequence Officer (also known as the Dorky Hat Patrol)
TOP TEN CRAPPY REBEL JOBS

10. Guy stationed next to Cliff Claven
9. Cleaning the medical tank at Hoth Base Medical Station
8. Combing the surface of Bespin, looking for Luke's hand
7. Admiral Ackbar's personal masseuse
6. Cleaning the tauntaun pens
5. Monitoring Imperial broadcasts for any news about secret blend of herbs and spices
4. Manually reloading the ion cannons
3. Chewbacca's chess coach
2. Any job whatsoever if you're stuck with a stupid degrading name like "Porkins"
1. Bothan spy
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON IS A BIG STAR WARS FAN

10. Has requested cameo role in forthcoming Star Wars 1995 Christmas Special
9. Very upset when he discovered he could not appoint an ambassador to Dantooine
8. Hopes to change U.S. Constitution so that the President can dissolve the Senate and let regional governors have direct control over their territories, letting fear keep the local systems in line
7. Almost has the hang of that "choke people through telekinesis" trick
6. Suggested new hairstyle to Hillary: Big buns on sides of head
5. Diverted almost 70% of Pentagon budget into secret project to build him a sail barge
4. Embarrasses daughter in front of friends by standing on White House balcony, extending gloved hand, and yelling "Chelsea....I am your father!"
3. Lip-synched last three addresses to Congress while James Earl Jones crouched behind podium and read speech
2. More and more frequently, he refers to partisan attacks as "Jedi mind tricks"
1. Has had words "Air" and "One" removed from presidential airplane
TOP TEN MOMENTS SENATOR PALPATINE WISHES HE'D BEEN THERE FOR

10. Snatching up Luke's lightsaber in the Wampa cave
9. Flipping the Tractor Beam back on after Obi-Wan left
8. Shoving Vader right off the Cloud City gantry after Luke
7. Tying Luke's laces together before he leaped out over the Sarlaac
6. Stepping on Luke's fingers while he hung from the Cloud City weather vane
5. Unhooking Luke and Leia's rope in the Death Star core shaft
4. Cranking up the speed on the Trash compactor
3. Driving the AT-AT that almost stepped on Luke
2. Showing Wicket what a REAL electric shock feels like
1. "And now, Baby Ewok...You will die!"
TOP TEN CHANGES THAT NEW F/X TECHNOLOGY WILL ALLOW LUCAS TO MAKE FOR "STAR WARS" RERELEASE

10) Missing Jabba scene now a song & dance number.
9) Young Luke Skywalker gets to meet President Kennedy.
8) Dewbacks so real-looking they steal the film.
7) Luke will finally yell "Leia" instead of "Carrie" when hopping out of X-wing.
6) Darth Vader suit will now have nipples.
5) C-3P0 now fully functional and programmed in many methods of pleasuring.
4) Lucas now able to add that line where Obi-Wan tells that Darth Vader perceives the force like a spoon tastes food.
3) Can improve destruction of Alderaan scene without blowing up another planet.
2) Puppeteers now able to give Luke more realistic facial expressions.
1) Obi-Wan Kenobi: A founder!
TOP TEN ACTION FIGURES LEAST LIKELY TO BE A PART OF NEW KENNER TOY LINE

10) Jabba's Fat Dancing Chick
9) Bespin Luke with Removable Hand
8) Baby Anakin Solo
7) Guy Who Bullies Luke at the Cantina
6) Han Solo in Borg Suit
5) Bobba Fett with Removable Helmet
4) Trash Compactor Monster
3) Lumpy
2) John Dykstra
1) Bacta-Tank Luke
TOP TEN SURPRISES IN STAR WARS: EPISODE ONE

10) Luke and Leia actually a result of Mrs. Skywalker's secret torrid affair with Uncle Owen.
9) Young Senator Palpatine first elected on a lower taxes platform.
8) Special repeat appearance by Jefferson Starship.
7) Darth Vader really did kill Anakin Skywalker; just lied to Luke to gain his sympathy.
6) Anakin's wife to be played by Genevieve Bujold.
5) Aunt Beru actually a hero of the Clone Wars.
4) Mon Mothma used to bulls-eye wamprats in her T-7
3) One word: Pakleds
2) Boba Fett actually Luke's third cousin.
1) Before being horribly scarred, Anakin Skywalker really looked like James Earl Jones, too.
TOP TEN WAYS MICHAEL JACKSON WOULD BE COOLER IF HE LIVED IN THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE

10) Due to high loss-of-hand rate, wearing one glove is fashionably acceptable
9) Would not have needed huge effects budget for "Captain EO"
8) In shocking revelation, he might have really been the father of Billie Jean's son
7) Could really walk on moons
6) After skin-altering disease, could become Light Lord of the Sith
5) Could ease tensions between Empire and Alliance with anti-violence message of "Beat It"
4) Imperial breath mask could give him the deep voice he never had
3) Improved medical technology could make new nose and chin more realistic
2) Would have sure-fire hit with Sy Snootles duet
1) Would strengthen characterization of movies by making Luke look manly
TOP TEN HOBBIES OF DARTH VADER

10) Making prank "heavy breathing" phone calls
9) Sneaking up behind Star Destroyer crew members, covering their eyes, and demanding "Guess who?"
8) Practicing throwing Palpatine doll down pits
7) Genealogy
6) Using the force to learn to juggle
5) Mortal Kombat 5436
4) Using mind-reading ability to win at Battleship
3) Late nights with a pain droid
2) Sending anonymous love-notes to Mon Mothma
1) Checking Imperial Deli to see if they've named a sandwich after him yet