FW: Darwin Awards


> It's that time again. They are finally out again. You all know about
the
> Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the
> gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
> extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
> killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
> attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees are:
>
>
> 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply,
> because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
> with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
> vomited
> into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
> burned
> his house down, killing both him and his sister.
>
> 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
> died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2"
> tall
> and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
> black
> and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was
> trying
> to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military
> gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
> attached
> in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of
> a
> hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's
> other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was
> the
> cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
> circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
>
> 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude
> when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
> the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own
> aircraft
> and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their
pants
> around their ankles.
>
> 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
> details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his
> father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face
> down on the
> couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to
> start
> CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
> arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the
> hospital -the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and
noticed
> that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
> couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently,
the
> man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into
the
> hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed,
for
> obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge
> shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
>
> 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway
> near
> Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
> and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not
have
> qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
> driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring,
which
> had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt
> to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman
> lost her own.
>
> 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
> octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
> County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of
> these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
> other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
> pavement.
> Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
Barcia
> was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
that
> he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle
and
> the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death
was
> "Major trauma."
>
> 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and
> a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
> ball.
> The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
> hospitalised.
>
> 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the
> smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
> extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
> After the
> building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company
were
> dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
difficulty
> navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked.
> Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching
> into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
> lighter. Upon
> operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse
> exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
found
> of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the
> explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never
been
> thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
>
> And the winner
>
> The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal
> embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex
of
> a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it
> was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab
> finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that
a
> guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off -
> actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
> transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
> He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long
and
> straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car,
> jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as
best
> as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit
the
> JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash
> site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt
> at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached
> maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well
> in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
> 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would
have
> experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks
under
> full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the
remainder
> of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight
highway
> for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and
> completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick
rubber
> marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional
1.4
> miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a
> blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's
remains
> were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and
hair
> were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were
> removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the
steering
> wheel. Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly
reached
> Mach I, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.
>
>
> The latest nominee for this years Darwin Award (awarded to people for
> incredible feats of stupidity) goes to....
>
> Orlando Sentinel Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome,
> Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
> local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are
a
> bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his
> scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies up'd
the
> ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
> place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
> immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from
his
> perch.
> Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than
> a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance,
> and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open
> during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
> remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed
and
> flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
> rotating machinery inside.To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a
new
> $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
> using to balance himself.
> Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining
> threesome were asked to leave the course.