Push your eyes for interesting light show:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things - is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?
See how long you can hold your breath:
(Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.
Try to not think about polar bears:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.
Scratch yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn't that feel pretty good?
Hurt yourself:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There's nothing physical about it - it's all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.
Try to swallow your tongue:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There's not much to say about this one. It is possible.
Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.
Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can't even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").
Things you can do with very little:
See what's in your neighbor's trash:
(Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.
Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.
Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
(Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I'm surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I'm pretty sure it doesn't qualify as a prank phone call, too.
Make prank phone calls:
(Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember - vulgarities don't make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald's, try to make reservations.
Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
(Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.
Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it's a cliff:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don't step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and... AHHHHHH!!!!!
Burn things with a magnifying glass:
(Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don't like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.
Things you can do with another person:
Have a water drinking contest:
(Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won't feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.
Stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around:
(Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I'm being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment--does this really work?
Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
(Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.
Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
(Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2' high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It's never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.
Pull out a hair, stick in someone's ear:
(Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can't blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.
Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person's neck:
(Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you're not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.
100 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on
the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If
he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while
he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at
your roommate every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as
loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes.
Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you
be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and
wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and
act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell
him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as
you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic
Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible
nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain
that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or
you'll have to face the consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire
about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then
give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you
are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one
was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell
am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to
bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is
talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day.
Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw
and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few
weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in
the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door.
Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the
plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown
pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate
eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back
and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep
this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in,
immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your
roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your
roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she
won't be here much longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the
head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering,
"Ungrateful little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't
know how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.
Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the
pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your
room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your
roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your
roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time
he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what
the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to
faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl
too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt
yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery.
Start walking backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When
your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and
moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig.
If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that
he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of
bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say,
"Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you
are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour
every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside
and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and
wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in
front of the window again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name
one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the
others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and
eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to
shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain
that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your
roommate to bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with
fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening
the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is
it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain
that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you
normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling
your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry.
It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the
flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so
often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you
are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests,
say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he
knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the
empty side of the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb
and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few
minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up,
say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights
and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay,
guys, you can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot
faster with two players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up,
explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless
he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your
roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them.
Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music,
take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say,
"Well, it was fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and
claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and
your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions
out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you
have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room.
Insist that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim
that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If
your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots,
claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your
roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about
it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give
some beans to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with
a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the
cost of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and
then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the
hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say,
"Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the
end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from
the lamp. Blame your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus.
If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find
one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had
to be done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh,
wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking
depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your
shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your
roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look
like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in,
say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about
it again, immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on
the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate,
immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day,
hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head
and grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know
what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in
blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like
to have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate
walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a
speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this
later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the
telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult
with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the
worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking
about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome
to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the
hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing
things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests,
tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a
tangent about the importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had
good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in
bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where
the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at
it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin
singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns
on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so
for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the
refrigerator has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much
you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From
then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the
good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving
you and your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for
about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join
you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy,
these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's
going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash
everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns,
explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on
them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours
each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't
evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your
roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking
bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage
can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your
roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the
hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic
training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your
roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and
said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the
camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that
they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies
while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your
roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to
tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the
Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not
the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the
room.
Office Dares
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must
be in the bathroom at the time).
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
6) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry,
I really prefer it this way".
7) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
8) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS DARES
9) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers.
10) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all
that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
11) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
12) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there
must be a 'non-player' within sight).
13) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT DARES
14) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to
conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually
launch into it yourself).
15) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
16) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
17) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a
number two".
18) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in
"the report is on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
19) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
20) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
21) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my
witness, I'll never go hungry again".
22) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
23) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
trade?".
24) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person:"Do you
hear that?" "What?""Never mind, it's gone now".
25) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it".
26) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for
four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
27) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
28) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
29) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Telephone Solicitation Gone Bad
I was at home the other night in the middle of my dinner when the phone rang.
ME: Hello.
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr.Byron, please?
ME: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
ME: Ok, hold on.
At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.
ME: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
ME: May I ask who is calling, ! please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T ...
ME: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I tho! ught you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
ME: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Byron. We would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
ME: Now, that's 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!
ME: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
ME: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
ME: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! ! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
ME: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
ME: Ok, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560; and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance?
AT&! ;T: Excuse me?
ME: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
ME: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh, no, sir. I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.
ME: Wait a minute, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute, that I'll give YOU 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme?I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for ...
ME: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?
AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is nece! ssary.
ME: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes, Mr. Byron. Please hold.
At this point, I begin trying to finish my dinner.
SUPERVISOR: Mr. Byron?
ME: Yeth?
SUPERVISOR: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.
ME: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
SUPERVISOR: Yes, sir, it sure is.
ME: (I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort) No, actually, I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.
SUPERVISOR: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.
ME: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I need to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?
ME: No, but I was wondering - do you have that "Friends and Family"
thing because I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother...
AT&T: click........
[Date Today]
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
TRUE MEANING OF HIGH-TECH COMPUTER JARGON.
NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturers cost cut to the bone.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesnt understand it.
ITS HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works.
REVOLUTIONARY - Its different from our competitiors.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others.
MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix.
RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope....
HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!.
BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise.
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction.
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way.
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturers, upon cashing your check.
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we cant explain.
LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Things you know because of TV...
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
11. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
12. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
13. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
14. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
15. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
16. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
17. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
18. All single women have a cat.
19. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
20. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
21. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
22. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
23. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
24. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
25. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
26. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
27. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
28. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
29. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
30. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
31. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
32. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
33. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
34. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
35. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
So there's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a
sailor, an absolute pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him hard and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad
and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,
"OK for you." He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really
aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy
finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities
that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so
mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds
there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it
suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then
he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes
of silence, he's worried enough to open the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
come over the parrot.
Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did that chicken do to you?"
Thirteen things dogs don't understand:
1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.
4. The command "SHUT THE BLOODY F*%@ UP!" means just that
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat
7. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
8. No, we said SIT
9. I know its a nice leg, but don't ride it.
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to
give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.
13. No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece.
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like a bolt shot from a crossbow. The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo:
"Thaw the chicken."
The following were actually taken from classified ads in the newspaper:
* Free yorkshire terrier. 8 Years old. Hateful little dog.
* Hummels: Largest Selection ever: "If it's in stock, we have it!"
* Harrisburg: Postal Employees Gun Club
* Georgia Peaches: California Grown - 89 cents lb.
* Nice parachute: Never opened - used once
* Tired of working for only $9.75 Per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
* Our sofa will seat the whole mob. 100% Italian leather.
Alzheimer's Center prepares for An Affair To Remember
* Open house: Body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
...And now for the best of the lot:
* For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 Negotiable. No longer needed. Recently married; wife knows everything.
George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know
if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.
Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that hicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.
Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.
Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Louis Farrakhan's Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.
Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.
Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.
O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
Ken Starr's Answer:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).
Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?
Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
These are entries from the mechanics' logs of repairs done on airplanes:
Discrepancy: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Corrective Action: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Discrepancy: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Corrective Action: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Discrepancy: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Discrepancy: "Something loose in cockpit."
Corrective Action: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Discrepancy: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Corrective Action: "Evidence removed."
Discrepancy: "Number three engine missing."
Corrective Action: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Discrepancy: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Corrective Action: "Volume set to more believable level."
Discrepancy: Dead bugs on windshield.
Corrective Action: Live bugs on order.
Discrepancy: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Corrective Action: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Discrepancy: IFF inoperative.
Corrective Action: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Discrepancy: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Corrective Action: That's what they're there for.
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
-- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldsson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Al Gore
(Ed note. Hmmmm, anyone in particular come to mind?)
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore
ALL PURPOSE APOLOGY FORM
Dear
a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
prank.
How could I have known that the
a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans
You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at
a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
Sincerely,
(your name here)
10 spiritual (?) things to do in your spare time
1) Light a candle on your roomie's, friend's, or relative's forehead while they are sleeping. See how long it takes for them to wake up. This will tell you how long you will live.
2) Tell your future by interpreting the patterns in popcorn, beer cans and cigarette butts left on the floor after your last party. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.
3) Choose an outfit for the day using a divining rod.
4) Determine what your friends have done during the day by smelling their odor eaters.
5) Go outside skyclad (naked), come in and interpret the patterns in your goose bumps. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.
6) Tape music videos, play them backwards on your VCR and try to find subliminal images and rock stars that take on Satanic appearances.
7) Interpret forms in your sculptured carpet. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.
8) At breakfast, eat all but a few bits of cereal, then stir it vigorously and interpret the resulting designs. It's a lot like reading tea leaves.
9) Develop a 'tarot' style deck using subscription card inserts from magazines.
10) In a restaurant, lay on the floor under a table and interpret the designs and patterns in the gum wads. IT'S A LOT LIKE READING TEA LEAVES!
Top 20 - Ways to Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't
have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
11 Nasty Office Pranks - Funny But Could Get You Fired!
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just cant stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to espresso!
8. Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
Subject: College Entrance Essay
IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE
APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE
THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas. I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single- handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I
sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Jaun, cliff
diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have
played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
- Attributed to Hugh Gallagher, age 18
101 Easy Ways to Say NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Sanity
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. DON'T disguise your voice.
3. Everytime someone asks you to do something ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".
5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their Caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo field of all your checks write, "For Sexual Favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with, "In accordance with the Prophecy."
8. don't use any punctuation or capital letters
9. As often as possible, Skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To-Go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital, and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because "You're not in the mood."
16. have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, like, "Rock Hard".
17. When money comes out of the ATM scream, "I WON! I WON!"
18. when leaving the Zoo, start running for the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, THEY'RE LOOSE!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, We are going to have to let one of you go."
And, the final way to keep a healthy lvl of sanity.........
20. Copy, and send this to someone to make them smile.... It's called Therapy!!
God and University
Why God never received tenure at any university...
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
The Warning Signs of Insanity
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.
You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.
You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.
The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.
