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VCPR SCRIPT (for "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City")
For play on Sony PlayStation 2
Presented by BoredGamer
Last Updated: 8/14/03
Version 1.71
Phase: Technically Complete
The following sites have hosting privileges:
GameFAQs (www.gamefaqs.com)
Quotes of GTA (www.quotesofgta.tk)
WARNING: THIS GUIDE CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE. HENCE, IT MAY NOT BE
SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS. DISCRETION IS THEREFORE ADVISED.
IT IS BECAUSE OF THIS THE INITIAL RELEASE SHALL BE EXCLUSIVE TO
GAMEFAQS. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO POST IT ON YOUR SITE, E-MAIL ME FIRST.
IF NOT, THAT'S FINE.
If you are e-mailing me about feedback, questions, or anything having to
do with any FAQ, please send it to Blublublublu1129@cs.com. If any e-
mail is sent to Blublublublu1129 that does not concern a FAQ, it will be
deleted/ignored, as I primarily use this address for FAQ-related stuff.
-------------------------
/ SECTION 1: INTRODUCTION \
-----------------------------
1A: ABOUT VCPR AND PRESSING ISSUES
VCPR stands for Vice City Public Radio. There is only one show on this
station, apparently... Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a debate
program hosted by Maurice Chavez. The point is to bring radical point
of views together and debate one topic. Of cource, each show somewhat
strays from the topic and turns more into a fight. The best part about
the program is the satirical comedy aspect. Each character portrays a
part of our society: politicians, goths, preachers, over-bearing
mothers... Each, of course, is done in a ridiculous manner, hence the
satire aspect of the show.
One thing you should notice is that a lot of characters contradict
themselves at some point or another (just a part of the satire aspect,
of course). For example, Jonathan Freeloader and Michelle Montanius
(even Maurice Chavez at a few points) costantly say that VCPR is
commercial free, advertising free, and you get no blatant interruptions.
However, they plug a lot of "valued sponsors" and interrupt the
programing to beg for money (ahh, gotta love irony!).
1B: CHARACTERS AND ACTORS`
Maurice Chavez (Phillip Anthony Rodriguez)- The host of the only show
played on VCPR, Pressing Issues. A retired clown and divorced man who
is said to be "living on the edge", Maurice takes control of the show
and tells everyone to shut up constantly.
According to jkoleck, Maurice is a parody of talk show host Ray Saurez.
He hosted the show "Talk of the Nation." I will be looking into the
site enclosed in the e-mail later and post some more info here on this
FAQ.
Jonathan Freeloader (Patrick Olsen)- One of the people running VCPR. He
used to be on a network station until he was fired. Constantly begs for
money for the station with his partner, Michelle.
Michelle Montanius (Kelly Guest)- Works with Jonathan on VCPR. Seems to
have a rather callous attitude.
Alex Shrub (Chris Lucas)- A state representative who uses his propaganda
to give himself a positive image.
This in from ismacked:
"Alex Shrub seems to be a parody of George H.W. Bush (Shrub ---> Bush?
Get it? Both types of foilage.), especially with the continued
references of tax cuts for the rich. However, his personality also seems
to be mingled with "McCarthyism," (communism scares) as he makes
repeated references to being a communist and preferring a "hammer and
sickle," symbols of communism."
Callum Crayshaw (Sean Modica)- A young man who set up a trust fund with
his father's money. Has traveled the world and has seen many cultures.
Wishes to apply principles of the other cultures to America to give them
"hopes" and "dreams".
John F. Hickory (LJ Gansen)- A redneck with reactionary ideals. Wants
to break Florida away from the rest of the US to keep the "outsiders"
out.
Pastor Richards (David Green)- A reactionary priest who was inspired by
80's preacher Jimmy Swagart. Richards plans to build a statue of
himself and launch it into space with anyone who helped fund the statue.
His reason for doing this is to leave behind those who are "morally
corrupt".
Jan Brown (Maureen Sillman)- A conservative mother who values the atomic
family unit. Her husband constantly cheating on her and her difficult
past has taken its toll on her sanity, which then puts the sanity of her
children also in question.
Barry Stark (Renaud Sebbane)- A "naturist." In other words, he's naked.
Has come onto VCPR to tell the world about the "evils" of wearing
clothes.
Jenny Louise Crab (Mary Birdsong)- A woman whose parents were brutally
murdered. Jenny seems to keep a (psychotically) happy attitude despite
such an incident.
Konstantinos Smith (Konstantinos.com)- A severely depressed goth who
dresses in all black and talks often about death and dying. Always has
a negative attutide about everything and always wishes for the worst.
Jeremy Robard (Peter Silvestro)- A man with a program to help guide
people toward positive thinking. Always blantly plugs on the show.
-----------------------
/ SECTION 2: THE SCRIPT \
---------------------------
Do note that there is no definite start to the program. It pretty much
loops with no definite end or beginning...
Also remember that Jonathan and Michelle are in every act, but only
during "breaks".
2A: PUBLIC SAFETY
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Axex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, John
F. Hickory
[after a message from Michelle and Jonathan asking for funding]
Maurice: Thanks guys! Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to
Pressing Issues on VCPR. That's Vice City Public Radio. Radio which
gives people exactly what they want: High quality educational
programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that this
world is going to hell in a handbasket if you don't give us money.
Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded
entirely by donations by our listeners... and corporate sponsors. So,
if you're enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice
Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable
discussion group in which we as self-important people exactly what they
think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit...
Before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only
joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient
Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free
speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of feeding wisemen
hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?) and loud
so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now, the
subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious
one: Public Safety. In case you haven't noticed, Vice City is not a
very safe place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people.
Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are
at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to
own our fast food restaurants and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-
thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super
markets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as
Plato said, "People don't mean to kill each other." It happens because
they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation
or something. Another view is that we are all a little confused and
really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything
as quickly as possible. So, let's press the issue, eh?! Sitting at our
panel right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items
of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wisemen following very
different stars. To my right, heh, to everyone's right in fact, we have
congressman Alex Shrub; the youngest state congressman to ever be
elected by Vice City and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub
got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod
your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of
us at ease by confirming, "It's okay to be rich, as long as you say you
care about the children." Mr. Shrub, welcome!
Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to
the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held
up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their
most base insticts. Thanks Maurice. I'm glad to be given this
opportunity to set the record straight.
Maurice: I haven't given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend.
Let me introduce my other guest first.
Alex: I hope this isn't going to get personal. I love Vice City more
than anyone, and I can proove it.
Maurice: Yes, that's coming from the man who got elected by calling his
opponent a "buffalo butt" and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn't fight
his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the
opposite end of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he
just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert
taper, founder of the group "Speaking for the Underdog". He is fluent
in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.
Callum: Hi Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and
buongiorno. Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!
Maurice: Uhhehehe... Let's stick to English. Most of us struggle enough
with that. Welcome to Pressing Issues... And lastly, we have a man with
a noble solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A
solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet,
like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this
fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and
is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory.
John: How y'all doing!?
Maurice: Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind
you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one
rated show on public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,
Maurice Chavez. Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each
other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri.
HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Maurice: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I
will only step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don't
forget what my voice sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean
fight. Nothing below the belt on in the chops. And remember Maurice's
moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, "If you listen, one
day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test." That's
so important I think. Don't you? So, congressman, let's start with
you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is
taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low,
everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger,
metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good
job?
Alex: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all
statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better
statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according
to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked
as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and
go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only
take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor... And
despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a
fluffer in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less
than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a
year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry
for you and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column
(that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive
girlfriend although she's married to your best friend, and you're on top
of the world. So answer me this... Can you really say the years of
living under my administration have been bad for you?
Maurice: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues,
not Pressing Maurice.
Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press
the issue?
Alex: You see, that's what's wrong with this city. Liberals just want
to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-
working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my
permission to beat them with sticks. We won't prosecute. You'd be
doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don't work, make love in the
field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile,
Crayshaw, I know your father. He's made a lot of money which makes him
a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some
wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who wants to
share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere. I
don't have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor
and to look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the
top.
John: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin' and carryin' on, I have a
plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to
slither into this great state from all places north.
Alex: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain
cells to talk!
Maurice: Enough! We've just started and you have prooved yourself, Mr.
Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point
in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an
exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a
funny act! Once voted the best upincoming dietary restrictive comic act
in the whole of Vice City. I tried to take it to the Catskills, but
Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We
are talking about you.
Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn't win. Mary the Meat-
Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you
vegetarians will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and
bicuspids for a reason... To open packages of potato chips.
Maurice: Hey! Don't get wrong! I always hated that bitch! What's funny
about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from
the slaughterer's hands? ...Or her big act: "I Am a Milk Cow: A
Lactating Machine For Your Breakfast Cereal"? How do you think a little
kiddie enjoyed that on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears,
not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be
stopped!
John: Jumpin' Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more
issues than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain't
got all day!
Maurice: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to
get to? You have some chitilins and grits in the oven? You got a date
with your sister, eh?
John: Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you
made it all personal.
Maurice: Right, let's all stop bickering, especially you Shrub. I've
got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody
feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck
with a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book
sales are down. What do you think, John F. Hickory. Please, press the
issue!
John: All right, that's better! Sticking to the matter at hand... Well,
it's quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding
into our state from all over America. Trash! It's quite simple.
They're bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and
corrputing the place. Ruin it! That's why I and my organization
propose we take Florida out of the Union. We start anew as our own
country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or Philadelphia or any
of them facny places from settin' foot on our soil!
Alex: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin' blocks? Have you read
the Constitution?
John: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Florida
from the stench of people movin' here to retire or going on vacation.
Build your own damn theme park in your own damn state! Florida theme
parks is for Florida people only! That's what I say. I mean, I don't
go to Alabama to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?
Maurice: Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don't
believe there are theme parks in Alabama.
John: Then they should stop commin' down my way and build Redneck Land
or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain't got no class! My views ain't
extreme, mister, they're common sense, and what a lot of people would
say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all
over the so-called "United States", guess what? There's no more room!
We'll be piled on top of each other like they are in Australia. What
we're going to do soon is build a river... A river of freedom. A river
of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from
the 47 states of wastrels and bad influcences to the north. We are
going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors and float
out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over.
There're be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when
I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day!
We will have a rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!
Maurice: You know, you're bordering on treason. What you are saying is
a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we
believe so whole-heartedly in "free speech" are we allowing it.
John: It's the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I
am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I
especially hate yankees! By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further
north. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn
mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We're going to build ourselves a river!
FBI, CI- I don't give a damn! They can't stop us. You, Shrub! You
yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin' hypocrit! What have you done
for Vice City up there in Washington?
Alex: I've ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate
developers, and I've cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25
cents per household, over a six year period.
Callum: At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor
people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate
in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must
stop.
Alex: So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to
park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You're
beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and
sickle over a hamburger.
Callum: I'm not little. I'm 5'5". It's time for corporations and all
of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You're not saving this
planet, you're spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can't
afford to loan you anymore of our nature. Those are our trees. I only
wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old.
Someone must take my legacy. I must train a little me!
Maurice: How old are you?
Callum: I'm 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything.
I've seen a lot of the world.
Alex: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do
things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than
an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a
clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmire.
John: I agree with that. People from other countries are good for
nothing, that's why we have to keep teachin' them a lesson. I tell you
what makes a real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.
Callum: I'll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a
very narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace... Travel. I recently
went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really
see what's wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia.
Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather
shorts, mustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear
some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We've all got to
make some sacrifices if we're going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the
money to set up an exciting trust there.
Maurice: But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying
about whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just
take?
Callum: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama,
so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or
pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It's a
lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to
help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad's money.
Alex: Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic. It's no wonder
that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.
Maurice: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce
taxes to zero... But under your stewardship, we've seen taxes go up by
20% and services decline!
Alex: No on is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you
something pal, I'm better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot
stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that
understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself
having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot
boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes
to serve, the sacrifices I've made to help my country, to help Vice
City. The complexity of government, the... the hideousness of my wife
and... the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh oh, sure...
Some people like that, but not me! It's a nightmare, my friend, and and
and... it's thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely
get up in the morning.
Maurice: ...And with that outrageous revelation, let's take a quick
break to tell you something very informative. You're listening to
Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio. Over to you, Jonathan.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: Hello, and welcome back. I'm Jonathan Freeloader and you're
listening to VCPR. This portion of Pressing Issues is brought to you by
Ammu-Nation, a proud supporter of public radio and our community. We
hope you're enjoying Pressing Issues and the way it challenges your view
of society. Unfortunately, public radio in Vice City is under pressure.
That's because we're better than everyone! You can't hear this kind of
hard-hitting, long drawn-out programing anywhere else... But, you have
to give money.
Michelle: That's right, Jonathan. Money is important. It can be
exchanged for goods and services, like getting a hip replacement or
funding a starving child in Australia.
Jonathan: I feel all covered with flies right now! Call us. Pledge
your money. Give 10% of your income. That's all we ask, and for that
you know everyone can be educated on the important things we discuss on
VCPR!
Michelle: 10% is a really small amount. I remember when I was
volunteering in Central America, to make myself appear less shallow, the
native peoples would give you 10% of their land for a pair of mirrored
sunglasses, and they would run around me saying, "Chicle! Chicle!",
which is Espanol for "pretty woman". It was very spiritual, like waves!
Jonathan: Absolutely! But remember... This radio station could
disappear. The voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced. One day
you wake up, roll over, and she's gone! You go into the kitchen,
there's a note sprawled, a sound of a taxi leaving in the distance, a
thunderstorm rolls in... It's a metaphor for my haircut, or this pledge
drive.
Michelle: Yes, the pledge drive. Become a member. Only members, or
people with radios, can listen to this radio station. Now, back to
Pressing Issues.
Jonathan: Shouldn't we give out the phone number?
Michelle: Like I tell the children at the library I volunteer at: "Look
it up yourself", "No, you can't go to the bathroom", and "Stop crying!"
Jonathan: That's good advice. Now, back to Pressing Issues.
[cuts back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our
panel, we've got the successionist lunatic, John F. Hickory; Liberal
rich kid, Callum Crayshaw; and Neo Facist congressman, Alex Shrub.
Gentleman, welcome back. Let's start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F?
John: For "Florida"! I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove
tattooed all over my groin!
Maurice: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How
do we get guns under control in this city?
Callum: By giving everyone hope... A dream of a better tomorrow. By
encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What's the
satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a
ho, planting seeds in a peasent village?
Alex: Keep your "hoes" and "seeds" to yourself. We don't need gun
control. If you read the Constitution, it's a sacred document that
should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn't vote, but
the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare-
mongers and non-believers, men like you Chavez, under control. I've got
a good mind to get your funding removed.
Maurice: We don't get any funding.
Alex: Exactly. But... Good! Heh, you won't see a penny out of me!
You've got to stop spreading these lies or I'll whip you myself and I'm
not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man's right to bear arms, and...
and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun... or
a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or... whatever that word
is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and
unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If
you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! ...And if you had a
high-rise condo, a mistress, uh... and a seat on the board, would you
run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of
yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin' and lockin' and... Not a
hope. It's simple. If you don't have a job, starve. Get out of my
constituency by force if necessary, and starve.
Maurice: That's quite simple. Are you really saying that?
Alex: Of course I am. Vice City is a growing city, and of course there
are going to be some growing pains. Well, what I tell people is this:
Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it,
and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission.
Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort
destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom,
the... Shrub-inspired boom... And enjoy the kind of things sensible
people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger
collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.
John: No no no no! Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old
folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes!
Florida does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What's wrong
with Nevada or Kansas? We want a river! We need a river! The freedom
river.
Maurice: ...And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime,
fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Callum: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were
poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have.
That's kind of what I'm all about. Their satisfaction in spendning all
day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one
point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog.
It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Maurice: What ARE you talking about?!?!
Callum: I'm talking about hopes... Dreams... The magic of television.
Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Maurice: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and
pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother's PTA
group meeting recently?
Alex: Baseball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining
together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will
thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
John: I hate that Spring Training. Who do those guys think they are?
Comin' here and gettin' in the way... Showin' us no respect! Drinkin'
our orange juice and seducin' our womenfolk! Train in your own home,
mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin'! Diggin' a
big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom.
So far, we've dug 17 feet. We're almost free... Almost! When we are
floatin' away in the Caribbean Sea, free to run our way, singing,
"Kumbaya!!" (don't remember how to spell it) in the sunshine! No
school, no tax! Free barbeque and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated
entertainment!
Maurice: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is
standing there saying, "I like being part of America. I like it a lot!
I get public radio! I can hear Maurice Chavez! I own a small, one
bedroom home... A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic...
Three or four radios, all turned on to VCPR... A dog... 15 ice cubes...
But I don't feel safe. I'm worried about gangs."
Alex: Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and
demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a
poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in
silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job
and making his parent proud? The dream of America is to live in a
duplex and share a yard. Why... Why would anyone want to threaten that
great future? Answer me that and I'll show you a green dog.
Callum: ...And, Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up for
my trust fund... We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people's
identity. A grouping... A community within a community. Gangs are a
way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than
urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint
our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators.
Maurice: ...And that's supposed to terrify people?
Callum: No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to
life's problems. Gangs have to learn to love... To be inclusionary.
We'd award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear.
It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness,
not a garden tool.
Maurice: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street...
or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?
Callum: ...Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. Anyone
can join our group. This is about poor people getting together.
Maurice: ...But your father owns half of Florida. How are you part of
the working class?
Callum: Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I'll pick up
a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a
young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called
it peace.
Alex: Your father is a great man. He's done more for the arms trade in
this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with
this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. America needs hope, not songs
or are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere.
This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at
poor people... Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.
Maurice: Now, now Mr. Shrub. Let's not make this personal. I
appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the
issue! Vice City is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing
any serious solution. So far, we've got successionism, rearing it's
ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We've got "ignore
it" and we've got "give everyone a flower"! You're all a little
unrealistic, yes?
[all begin arguing incoherently]
Callum: Maurice!
Maurice: Not to say, "Over-opinionated and moronic," Mr. Crayshaw, how
do we stop people running amock in the city with machine guns and heavy
artilery?
Callum: You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with
wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them
from themselves.
Maurice: How... How on Earth do you do that?
Callum: Well, um... [brief pause] You can let them off-
Maurice: Marvelous, great! That's a sensible plan!
Callum: Then they wouldn't be guilty anymore!
Alex: We've been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we
keep prison costs down? It ain't by magic or cookin' the books (we save
that for "education"), but as in most things we in government are saving
money so that you don't have to. When we spend less money on services,
more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives
a lot less difficult for everybody. It's about sharing; Sharing your
taxes out amongst the select few. That's why I worked so hard at
school, so I can reap the rewards now.
Maurice: Mmm... I thought you worked hard at school because the other
kids laughed at you and called you a square.
Alex: Tha-That's a damn lie! They called me wet fart.
Callum: They called me "The Bat" because my voice didn't break until I
was 19.
Maurice: So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don't believe in regulation.
Alex: I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with
lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral
people who won't do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.
Maurice: ...But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized
by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich,
and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Alex: Yes, we've made a lot of progress!
Maurice: ...And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing
through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a
dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Alex: Uh... Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them
probably deserved it.
Maurice: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business,
how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society,
and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.
Alex: Well... I'm afraid that's apparently quite a difficult question,
but my solution is easy. I'm going to talk for a long time about a
subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about
it. I'll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my
stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than
before, while crime rates only go up if you don't turn the graph upside
down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex
Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you'll have a friendly face in the
White House. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and
laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business.
Just send me a letter. I'll send you an automated, photocopied
response. We call it "democracy" and that's where the money goes.
Maurice: Uh, just a minute-
Alex: Don't interrupt! Let me finish.
Maurice: But you're not-
Alex: This man won't let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me
speak! I'm taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three
inches, which means I'm a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows
politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you
know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which,
I've been abroad and I prefer it here because I'm a man of the people.
Vote Shrub! You'll get richer and you won't feel guilty about it!
Maurice: Enough! We're running out of time and you completely failed to
answer the question.
Alex: I'm a professional. That's my job.
Maurice: [sighs] ...And Mr. Hickory, what about you?
John: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open
border to the north. The state is filling up with trash; People who
can't tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don't
the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family.
That's why we need a river. People, I'm telling you pick up your
spades, go into your garden. Start diggin' as deep and as far as you
can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then,
they'll have to leave. We must build a moat to the north or they will
come down and ruin this great state.
Maurice: ...And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida?
John: Tuhah! What a stuipd question! Of all the cheek!
Maurice: Were you?
John: Of course not! No one's been born in Florida since 1877! BUT...!
I've been here five years which is a very long time.
Maurice: Yes it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio.
I this episode of pressing the issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum
Crayshaw, and John "Florida" Hickory discussing safety. I've guess
you've all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish,
or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? Gentlemen, I feel we really got
somewhere, and that Vice City and people everywhere know a lot more than
they did before we began. And now, over to Jonathan and Melissa to talk
to you about public radio in your area.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Michelle: You're listening to VCRP, the radio station for disoriented
and unrealistic college professors who wear fuzzy sweaters and find
everything terribly interesting. I'm Michelle Montanius.
Jonathan: ...And I'm Jonathan Freeloader! Public radio is very
important. You may have heard my recent hour long story about my hike
in the park.
Michelle: That was fascinating, and very important for everyone, even
the blind. Play a selection, Jonathan.
[footsteps are heard]
Jonathan: I think this is the part where I came to the big tree.
Michelle: I almost felt like I was there. You won't get this kind of
nauseating detail on commercial radio. VCPR is 100% commercial free.
Absolutely nothing interrupts your enjoyment of our fine programing and
ability to tackle the important things like Jonathan's walk in the park,
but we need you. Think of yourself as a member of this station, except
you aren't allowed in the doors. That's an important metaphor for life.
Jonathan: Yes, how wonderful would it be to own an hour of this radio
station! We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch. That's
great! Farewell Ranch is a great place to take your loved one. Just
dial 866-9-BURYME. Remember, VCPR is commerical and interest free.
Donate your money now! Let's get back to Pressing Issues.
{Continued in the next segment}
2B: MORALITY
Forenote:
The names of Jeremy Robard's motivation programs seem to be drug
references. Think, Hold that thought, Complete: THC. Learn, Start, Do:
LSD. Motivate, Demonstrate, then Motivate Again: MDMA (Ecstasy). When
talking about "Motivate", Jeremy says "You'll hug people and laugh like
you've never laughed before," a pretty good description of an Ecstasy
trip.- countess mushroom
I never noticed any of that until now. That honestly makes the segment
that much funnier! Thanks!
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and
Barry Stark
Maurice: Thank you, guys! So, we are back on Pressing Issues. Just one
of the many fine shows you'll hear if you have the patience to listen to
public radio. Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing
Issues has extended play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice
City area. I'm your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez. A man
climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of six knots. Six years ago
I was a clown, and now I'm a success! Hahaha! Think about it! Imagine
where I could be in ten years... I could achieve anything. Anyway,
morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after
discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head and
discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards. Then,
Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos... Why? All very
confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, "That is a
perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show." ...Which is very
lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality
we have firebrand preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor
Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise
enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have
Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC... Or is it
MAPS... MAPKAY... Uh, I don't know. We're deep in acronym hell right
now... Or is it purgatory? And finally, we have Barry Stark, author of
the book "As Nature Intended." He's the editor of Vice City's "Naturist
News" and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more nude
activities to Vice City. To protect the dignity of our other panelists,
we've placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.
Barry: I'm naked back here! It's my right as a person!
Maurice: Yes... Let's start with the obvious, yes... Is it moral to be
naked?
Barry: Yes! You can't stop me!
Jan: Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day.
My adorable kids have learned that it's wrong to be naked. When it's
bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That's... That's also
the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad,
naughty things.
Barry: Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven't worn clothes since 1982.
Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn't you guys learn anything from
the '60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I had
always felt very constricted. Then it hit me like a slippery fish.
Clothes are plain wrong. When you're born you're not wearing any
clothes. When you die... you're not wearing any clothes.
Maurice: I'm going to have to interrput you there. What if you die at
work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you're
working?
Barry: Clothes lead to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting.
Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately? People around the
world are nude. You don't want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or
a flamethrower if you're naked. It could burn or scold in quite a
personal fashion, quite frankly. Have you been to the zoo? Animals are
naked. If everyone were naked, there'd be no war. Everyone's
complaining about crime and the theft of cars in the city. No one's
ever stolen my car. No one's ever pick-pocketed me. They've never even
tried.
Richards: That's because you're a degenerate loony.
Barry: If the police were naked, it would set a great example to
everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.
Richards: Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I'm
buildng the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah hand an ark, Texans
had the Alamo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my
image. Simple. This 50 story statue will be able to deflect alpha,
gamma, and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the
Artificial Suns will rain down to punish the degenerates of this city.
But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be
a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations,
private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive happily the
predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding
from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the
poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of
the people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into
space, and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent
people ruled by me.
Barry: Hmm... Will there be naked people?
Richards: No, turd brain! It's morally corrupt people like you we're
shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh... They're
the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in
the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future
of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick,
and should be shot I'm afraid to say. We need to build a place to
escape these transgressions.
Maurice: Phew... That's extreme stuff, Pastor, but we'll leave amateur
eugenics for a moment and ask our other panelists. Jan, you're a mom,
so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you
think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or a book?
Jan: Well, yes I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special they
go to special classes. Now I teach my kids history to give them
perspective. Last night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed
around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave
him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that's an
important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you'll see many
species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially
true of hamsters. It's about putting the family first. That's really
important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you
don't like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!
Maurice: Okay... But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I
don't think I understand.
Jan: Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and
working out what's best for my kids and screw anyone else. That's what
this country's all about. I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a
load of claptrap. Wha-What's your kid going to do at a school with a
name like Moonbeam or Wave or Horseradish or whatever they call 'em.
How can you take your kid to a little league game when you live in a
communal farm growing drugs? It's awful! And that's what my life is
about: Looking down on others.
Maurice: Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards,
in your book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should
not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?
Richards: Oh, that's right! People need to learn how to take care of
themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book,
I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do
for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That
builds moral character. Morality, Maurice, there's not much left in
this city. Every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping
your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark ages. Look at Russia!
They keep trying to help each other out; extend a hand to a neighbor.
And guess what? Every ten years, someone's invading, burning down their
homes, and taken their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the
Hun... All of them. After you read my book, you will understand. I may
have been born in the sea, but I'm no dummy.
Barry: Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked?
Maurice: Yes, soon Barry! Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please
my friend. Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and
vampire sitings at the mall... Can the family be safe? ...Or to put it
another way: "If we're meant to be monogomous, why weren't we born
already married?" Jan, over to you.
Jan: Well, since I'm a happily married mother, I know the family unit is
the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or
away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I
understand just how important the family unit is in life. He's working
hard I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it.
Maurice: Go on. Tell me more about... your family.
Jan: Um well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one
planet, even if we do just want to maime and kill each other.
Especially, me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies,
besides making babies and criticizing people, is biology. You learn so
much from nature. People these days, they don't grow their own food.
They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the super
market. Let me tell you, there's nothing super about that place. Kids
these days don't know how to preserve and can their own food. N-No
wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their
friends. What is it, The Degeneratron?* What a crock of shit!
*Do take note that this is not a mispelling. Jan mispronounces
Degenetron.
Maurice: Heh-Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have
regulations about that sort of thing!
Jan: ...But you let a naked man on.
Maurice: Eh, he's behind a screen. You can't see him; He's not that
exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash.
You'll get the picture.
Jan: Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying.
Maurice: Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a
games machine, then you swore.
Jan: I'm sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick
the 3rd... I heard him using slang words in the house the other day.
Rad and cool and stick it... I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his
life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be
spoken properly!
Maurice: What?
Jan: No, don't interrupt me! I've got children, you know, please! This
is really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody
knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody
knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that
tractor pull accident. My daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig.
That's very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at
first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me
he'd be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother,
I'm proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did
it for my family, and I'll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money
and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a
brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my
pills?
Maurice: Barry... You look like you've got something to say.
Barry: I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together
naked are the best kind of families. You see, social class destinctions
disappear when everyone is naked. I can't tell if you're rich or poor,
black or white. It doesn't matter 'cause we're all naked. Designer
clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer
around... Mother Nature. That's why we're lobbying to build a naked
casino in Vice City, so old people can gamble naked and poor people can
lose hope in the buff.
Richards: It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles
his money away is a fool. But he that believes in me will go to spend
eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people. It's that
simple. Do what I say and you won't have to think for yourself.
Maurice: Oh, but I think it is Pastor. We look around: Nudy clubs,
discos, drinkin... Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate
morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives?
Richards: Absolutely! Yes, of course I can. Just look at prohibition
or the cultural revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history.
General Mao or Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or
intellectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great
societies they built. People want to be told how to act. Most people
are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal to. This
lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries
how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what's good and
what's evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese
kids, it's a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt unnecessarily
in my opinion.
Jan: I agree. I don't think these people understand just how hard it is
to potty train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy.
My kids are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that's what's
wrong this country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy.
When my children are hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the
park to catch their own food. They're learning to be self-sufficient.
Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was
trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he
comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.
Maurice: Okay... It's time to take a break before we hear about anymore
criminal acts against government employees. You're listening to
Pressing Issues. Morality is the subject at hand. Let's explain
exactly how free radio without commerical breaks works. We'll be right
back.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: You're listening to VCPR. Finally, a radio station for
teachers and librarians. You've been enjoying Pressing Issues. As is
normal, you can't listen to an hour's worth of programing on this
station without us begging for money. It's the bi-daily begathon here
on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up
some cash.
Michelle: You know what's so great about VCPR? It's like a shining
torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of
darkness when the hordes are so uneducated, they can barely understand
multi-slavic phrases like, "Clean my shoes better, Narissa, or I'll
report you to the IRS!" or dialectical materialism. Isn't it great to
have a patronizing voice on the radio?
Jonathan: That's right, Michelle. With the way things are going under
Regan, the unwashed huns from the midwest could descend upon Vice City
and enslave the poets and postal workers and force us to watch network
programing.
Michelle: That is a frigthening thought, but like many things in life,
you can throw money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR
is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets.
Jonathan: That's right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you'll get
tickets for "In the Future, There Will Be Robots" at the Vice City Art
Center.
Michelle: People who see that show say it's difficult to put into
English. That must mean it's spectacular.
Jonathan: Yes, but if you don't give money to VCPR, we could be thrown
back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets.
Give now. Let's return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in
the studio! ...Useless, talentless asshole.
Michelle: You're correct, he is an asshole!
[back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: I love those guys! Really professional and living proof that
all the talent isn't on commercial networks. These people do it for
love because they have integrity, just like me! We're back with
Pressing Issues. I'm Maurice Chavez, winner of five public radio awards
in the Vice City area, including best voice. On this show, we take
complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand.
On this segment of the show, we are discussing morality. Since the
beginning of time, man has asked questions. Why are we here? What time
is it? And is there a place around here a guy can get a drink? Early
man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the morality of
making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there.
Is it society's job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City
considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the
streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn't get passed, but it
made people think. If you don't vote, you get morons in charge. Is
that moral? I'm not sure. Let's press the issue.
*Side note: Maurice mispronounces the name of Lascaux, which almost
sounds like he's saying "lost cause" (originally, it was on this FAQ as
Lascoz). Thanks to countess mushroom for that!
Barry: Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew
makes sense. Do you know how much money I save not having to wear
trendy clothes? Read a history book. At the creation of the universe,
the Big Bang, everyone was naked. Even you! Why do I have to stay
behind this divider? Maurice, please!
Richards: Because nobody is interesting in seeing your... "business."
Because we have standards of decency which you are offending.
Barry: [jumping] Look at me! I'm jumping up and down!
Jan: Oh my goodness! Get back behind the divider, please! I'm married!
Barry: What's so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I'm happy?
Jan, give me a hug! I won't hurt you! And by the sound of things, your
husband is doing the same right now with his secretary.
Jan: No! We worked through it! He was stressed! It's hard keeping a
family together these days.
Barry: Everyone! Take you clothes off and feel what it's like to be
free of bondage. Everyone out there in Vice City take your cltohes off!
If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants! Feel the
wind from the air conditioning! Uh! A breeze is so liberating!
Maurice: Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that
divider Barry, please, otherwise I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Thank you. Uh, no-now sit down... On Pressing Issues, we think it is
very important to respect one another. To treat each other like we
would like to be treated.
Barry: I want a hug!
Richards: If you don't like the United States, son, why don't you move
to Russia? I don't understand people in America today. They call this
a Cold War, but it's hotter than hell. Mark my words! Anyday now,
you're sitting in school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when
suddenly you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers
dropping in to take over. What can you do? Run into the woods with
your friends? Call yourselves The Wolverines? Put twigs in your hair
and beat back the Russkies? No... You hightail it to Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue and blast off into space! But there is a limited
amount of space. That's why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and
security of your own bunker, give now. Call 866-9SAVEME. We'll get you
on the payment plan and if you're paid in full on D-day, you and your
family will be safe! If not, you may have to choose to save yourself
and leave the others behind.
Maurice: Hey hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You're not a
valued sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.
Jan: I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much
from other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting
themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for
ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a
threat to my kids all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up.
That's one of the tough things about being a mom; not ruining their life
with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I don't let my kids watch cartoons
or slasher flicks.
Maurice: Really?
Jan: That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but
my kids certainly ain't going to see it. If you don't raise your kids
right, they end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio.
I want them to get proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient.
Barry: That is offensive! My mother understood I was special! She made
me wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked,
she was fine with it! After social service moved me she was still right
to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye.
Maurice: But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking
your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.
Barry: I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues.
Look at me! Please, Maurice! I need a hug!
Richards: There's another example of immorality in this city; public
showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and
carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you
want to ravage one another like there's no tomorrow, but you have to
ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like
construction! We're buildling a statue and we need your help! Call me
now!
Jan: You know, pretty soon you won't be able to tell who's a human and
who's an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I
know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school,
"It might be an android... Suck your brains out." You must have seen
the mini-series event on television. I read it in a book. We've got to
stop looking at the stars- all this science fiction- and focus on the
family. If you really want to dance like you're on the moon, go there
and leave us in peace! ...And that's a fact!
Maurice: Eh... Uh... What's a fact?
Jan: I'm sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you... I'm moved to Florida
to bring up the American way; in a theme park. And that's just the kind
of person I am: opinionated and moronic.
Maurice: I see, well... This panel is certainly interesting. The issue
is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine
aide to Alaska with the song, "Do They Know It's the Fourth of July?"
Critics complain it's immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples
and cultures. Pastor Richards-
Richards: What?
Maurice: What do you make of meddling in other people's business like an
over-opinionated sociopath?
Richards: Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better
things like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.
Maurice: Stop doing that!
Richards: Don't interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue
in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain
simple. They eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants
to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with
copies of my book but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the
people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don't come crying
when you're tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day!
Maurice: Yes, but don't you think it's important-
Richards: I think it's very important to listen to me, young man!
That's what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve
where they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and
shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats! That's the American
way, always has been! We should send some pictures of Flordia to those
people in Alaska. I tell you, they'd throw down that bear pelt, saddle
up the sled dogs, and get pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should
know, I'm from Mars!
Maurice: No you're not!
Richards: Uh... Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.
Barry: The problem with Alaska is that people don't get naked. If you
can't work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your
birthday suit, then what's the point of living?
Maurice: Uh, well it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when
it's cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair.
Richards: That's a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!
Barry: Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash! As
soon as you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a
twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral.
Well, we're not! I'm married... I love my wife... In our commune, it's
so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in
nothing but a smile.
Richards: What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?
Barry: Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians,
and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it's like
to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the
radio and a stick in your hand, shifting gears... Over, and over.
Truckers realize there's nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get
naked, and beat it on down the line! You've never seen a sense of
community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the
cooking, cleaning, wives... A shear sense of what it's like to be a
social outcast.
Maurice: Uh, wait right there, Barry. I'm getting something through the
cas- Headphones that is... Yes... Okay... We just want to tell you a
little more about public radio funding. We'll be right back after this.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Michelle: Hello! I'm sure you're enjoying our high quality programing.
I'm Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it's time to acknowledge the
people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful
begathon.
Jonathan: Here's a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you
think she could've given more than that.
Michelle: Yes. Mean bitch! I hope she dies an agonizing death!
Jonathan: Absolutely, Michelle! And remember, if you want us to wish you
well, dig deep and dig soon.
Michelle: That's right. At any moment, conservatives could vote to end
our funding and place a fast food restaurant where our studios are.
See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It
doesn't! That's why you should give now.
Jonathan: Correct. Next week is environmental week, sponsored by
Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation. And next month, we're
celebrating Proust's influence on Vice City, in association with The
Degenetron. But for now, let's return to Pressing Issues. Remember,
VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time Square.
[back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues! The subject is
morality. I'm Maurice Chavez. Now, let's carry on pressing the issue!
Now when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food
and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century,
the subject soon turned to morality. You see, the Europeans wanted to
colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The pilgrims left
England for the religious freedom in Holland where they visited
coffeeshops and they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea,
and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail to the new world... Which
they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster! Once they got here, they
were very hungry having been on ship for 65 days. So, they ate for
three days straight. Thanksgiving soon became an annual custom.
America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell
other people how to live, and I'm a history major. But do we have the
right? The question: Is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday
that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives, and awful casserole?
Richards: Well I, for one, love a casserole! And at my weekly meeting,
my congregation has a pot luck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life
Maurice, and that's basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of
leftovers in a pan and bake it, someone will probably eat it. Like my
book: You believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred;
You believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you; You love your
favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale. But you
can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It's
one thing to love in something, but if you don't shower it with money,
then just don't talk to me. Communism... Don't make me puke my guts out,
please!
Jan: Well, I myself love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to
teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks!
I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get the
slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals
the flu while buying their land off them for a pitance. That's what
children need!
Maurice: Uh, what is?
Jan: Wholesome activities that benefit the family. What good is it if a
kid plays Degeneratron for five hours? Oh sure, he's killing space
aliens, thank you very much, but it ain't putting food on the table.
And, he's learning bad language like [jibberish, can't tell what's she's
saying]*. When my family go out to dinner we're starting from scratch,
even if daddy is working late- again- We build our own spears, smear
ourselves with dung, and wait in the swamps for something to come by.
*I'm not sure exactly what she says here, but it sounds like she's
trying to make beeping noises a bit like old school gaming systems did
back then.
[This just in]
"I'm not sure, but I think Jan Brown's odd babbling when giving an
example of 'bad language' is a joke on her paranoia - she thinks baby-
talk is obscene. It's a weird joke, and the voice actress playing Jan
doesn't make it very clear."- countess mushroom
This sounds logical, although it may not be exactly right. I will still
keep it up here as an interpretation.
Maurice: In the suburbs? I bet your neighbors love you. How long do
you wait? Don't you get arrested?
Jan: Hey, mister, I'm married! Look at the finger; it has a ring! I've
got children for Pete sake's, stop eyeing me up!
Maurice: I wasn't-
Jan: You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I
tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could have
married anyone, but I chose John- I CHOSE him because he had a kind face
and a rich dad. I didn't know he was going to cheat on me or embarass
me. I didn't know. But I won't be made a fool of. I've got the
children.
Maurice: Okay Jan. It's okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife. Heh
heh heh heh... Don't worry. Stay calm. I'm not eyeing you up, but I am
a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy
school?
Jan: Of course they do. That's precisely why I'm going to start home-
schooling my children. High school is a cult. There's a group of
savages that rule the roost, and get all the girls, and everyone else is
picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I'm a deranged
mess and my husband cheats on me. I don't want my kids to go to a
public high school. Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room.
Maurice: ...And that leads to my next question-
Barry: People in high school in Chile* are all naked!
Note: Some people say it's "and cheerleading," others say it's "in
Chile." Both somewhat make sense if you think about it (in an odd sort
of way), so I'm going to keep this note here. I've been e-mailed
numerous times about it.
Maurice: I've about had it with you, Barry! I tried to be fair... I
tried to be kind, but you are a freak and a liar and wasting everybody's
time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of
bodily waste. There's reason that when I go to buy a soda, or a
transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about.
Now when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I'd rather
not have to look at your money-maker, amigo! I'm glad you're proud of
it, but when people of Vice City are in a Kwik-E-Mart, they should be
able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your
firehose! Are you with me?
Barry: Sorry, Maurice!
Maurice: That's okay. Just try to behave. I think the sun must have
got to you or something.
Barry: Yes, maybe that's it.
Richards: Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here and... and I'm
glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell
will die in the fires of doom. It is written, "TV is trash, radio is
trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda. Our very way
of life is threatened. We formed this great state to play golf, and
I'll be damned if any weirdo hippies are going to tell us we can't fill
in wetlands and make a home for ourselves, complete with 18 hole
championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will
ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we'll never hear my voice
again- It will be anarchy!
Jan: TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea in
China... How can we raise chidren in this environment? My little boy
asked me the other day, [childish voice] "Mommy, are unicorns real?"
What am I supposed to say to that? Do I lie and make myself as bad as
the boy's father, or do I break the little boy's heart and ruin his life
so that he ends up a nudist or a freak or something.
Maurice: It's a difficult question, Jan. A very difficult question.
Is it right to lie?
Barry: Clothes are a lie, Maurice!
Maurice: No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting
arrested.
Barry: No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon-
Richards: I'd like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You're filth!
Human form of vermin! A blight on a fine society of picket fences and
garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to
pay homage.
Maurice: Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say I find your
philosophy or cult or whatever it is utterly and completely appauling.
Richards: Why thank you! I knew you'd understand.
Maurice: I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in
some 1950's vision of America. It's the 1980's, man! And one man
worship-me cults are not allow, my friend!
Richards: Exactly! As I say in the great book, "Many are called, but
unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself. You'll burn in
Hell."
Maurice: Aye, por favor, shut up! Uh, Barry, what are you doing?
Barry: I'm lonely, Maurice! Lonely and I need some bodily contact.
Maurice: Get behind! Get back behind that pannel!
Barry: Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one! That means I'm happy!
Maurice: Hey, stay away from me! I'm a celebrity!
Jan: Oh good lord!
Richards: Mind yourself, boy! I warn you, I'm armed and I'm not afraid
to use it!
Barry: We've all got one! Look how free I am! ...MMM! The fan feels so
good! I feel you!
Maurice: Hey! Hey, Pastor Richards, please! Put that gun away! Put it
away!
Richards: No! I am a sole judge/soldier** of the truth and decency.
Get back, heathen! Get back!
**This is another one I'm getting a lot of e-mails from. All I can say
is honestly... Trust your own ears on this one and form whatever you
think is right. Honestly, I thought "soldier" was correct, but
anyway...
Barry: I love you all!
Richards: Evil-doer! Die, devil, die!!! [gun fire]
Barry: AHHH! OWW!
Maurice: Dios mio! You shot him! There-there-there's blood, and-and
pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete
pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and
soon to be executed Maurice Chavez. Barry, are you okay? Are you
alive?
Barry: Stop the bleeding, it's down there!
Maurice: Do I have to? Can't you get someone else?
Jan: [moans]
Maurice: Jan! Aye, Dios mio, he's fainted!
Barry: No, hold it... Harder! Oh, that's so good! I need mouth to
mouth. Maurice, please, I might die
Maurice: Uh... Okay... Excuse me, I'm only doing this to save your life.
I don't want to.
Barry: Thanks... I'm getting cold. Quickly, it's okay to use tongues.
Maurice: AHHH! Get off of me! I'm happily divorced!
Richards: Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice?
Maurice: Yes- I mean no... No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun
away, don't point it at me!
Richards: ...Or you'll what, son? You think I'm scared of your
conventional, lilly-livered morality? You think you can tell me what to
do? You think it's wrong for me to have five concubines and spread my
genes, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in
Hawaii? You think that's wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Maurice: No! NO NO NO-HOHOHO Mr. Pastor! It's alright! I think it's
very right. Very right, indeed. You're the boss! You're in charge!
You're the king!
Richards: Damn right I am! Now I'll tell you about morality. Morality
is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong. You got
to understand this!
Maurice: [clears throat] Oh, I do!
Barry: Ugh... I'm bleeding! I need a proctologist!
Richards: Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything! Ask me
anything you want!
Maurice: Yeah... Well, I'd love to, but it seems that that is about all
we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio
and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when
people start brandishing guns in the studio, like this. You're on
Pressing Issues and in this show we discussed morality. I think we made
a lot of progress and really came together. I am Maurice Chavez. Bye,
uh... Please, don't kill me!
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was.
Michelle: Yes, it's almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonahtan!
Jonathan: Wow... Thanks Michelle! It is, isn't it? Before we let you
get back to the show, I thought you'd like to know VCPR has managed to
raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another 15
minutes at least.
Michelle: Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and
Furax, the fascinating show, Legal Review, will still run. But, now,
back to Pressing Issues.
Jonathan: Actually before we let you get back to the show, I'd like to
say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in
an era of poverty and famine and immense personal grief, but I can
assure you it is. And not just because I say so, look at the facts! 15
of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared
on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel prize winners started out
in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered
gravity... or the pizza... or the fact that a lot of people love to hear
themselves rattle. Anyway, sermon over. I hope you folks at home
understand how passionate we are about public radio and it has nothing
to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks.
Michelle: That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to Pressing Issues.
Where is the creep? Put him on!
[goes back to Pressing Issues]
2C: PERCEPTION AND POSITIVE THINKING
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Jenny Louise Crab, Konstantinos
Smith, and Jeremy Robard
This section was sent in by Darkpowrjd, who started another guide that
wasn't accepted. It has not been changed from its original format, save
for any corrections that I made.
MAURICE: Hello. As you may know, you're on VCPR, and this is Maurice
Chavez. That is, I am Maurice Chavez. That's Chavez. Not Chaves, or
Chaviez. This isn't a game show. Sorry about the upbeat opening. This
isn't a game show. This is a political and social debate on free radio,
without adverbs. And I am still Maurice Chavez. Hi. Next up on Pressing
Issues, we tackle one of the most important issues in our country today.
The issue of perception. Not credit card fraud. That's deception. But
we're talking about perception. How we percieve the world. These are
optimistic times we're living in. A time of go-getters and doers. Our
hero is the entrepinuer. The shaker and the maker. Positive thinking, we
are told, is everything. Think it, and we can do it. Or can we? Let's
press the issue. Now personally, somedays, I wake up, and I look out the
window, and I think that it's great to be alive. Other days, like payday
or my ex-wife's birthday, I want to hide under the pillows and cry. But
that's me. A man of contradictions, as my therapist said. He was a
Jungian*, but whatever. I'm Maurice Chavez, and on our panel right now,
we've got three very contrasting views about the issue of positive
thinking. On my right, we have gothic artist, vampire hunter, and, in
his words, man of the night, Konstantinos Smith. Konstantinos, hello.
*Not that it needs to be noted, but I figured I should anyway for those
who don't know what a "Jungian" [pronounced YOONG-EE-EN] is (as it's not
a very common word). A Jungian is a type of psychologist or
psychotherapist who mainly bases his/her methods on the theories of
psychologist Carl Gustav Jung.
SMITH: Gretings, mortal. I hope this is good. I'm missing a seance to be
here.
MAURICE: You don't sound excited to be here.
SMITH: No, man. I'm mind-numbingly depressed. It's great.
MAURICE: O-Kay! I'm going to have to interrupt you there. And, on the
left, I have positive thinker extraodinare. A man who dragged himself up
from the gutter. Jeremy Robard.
JEREMY: Hey, the ghetto, not the gutter. I didn't live in the gutter. I
lived in the ghetto. I'm a survivor, not vermin. I'm from the streets.
MAURICE: O-kay!
JEREMY: Hey, I can teach you how to be a survivor, too. All of you. I
can help everyone. I've got what they call a gift for communications. I
can help you all realize that gift, make something of yourselves,
realize your dreams. I'm like a high school councelor. I'll show you
your potential. It's easy. All you have to do is follow my simple
program on audio cassette or VHS.
MAURICE: O-okay okay, not right now. This isn't a commercial, and if
you're not going to underwrite the station, I can't let you read this
blatant plugs. People pay for that.
JEREMY: Hey, everything in life is an opportunity. When I was in jail, I
got the idea for my current business. And look at me now. I got offices
in Vice City, Bogata, Lebanese, and Jamaica. If I can do it, I can help
you make something of yourself. You can be just like me, a success.
MAURICE: H-hey, enough, enough, no more. Not a word from you until you
are called upon again.
JEREMY: It's a three stage process. Learn, start, doing.
MAURICE: Eh, SHUT UP! I'm warning you, this my show. You shut your
mouth. Shut it now and keep it shut. Do not push me, you shiny-suited
prick. Do not push me!
JEREMY: Hey, you have to dress to impress. I cover that in my program.
People make judgments on who you are, based on your apperance.
Scienitists say we form 98 percent of our opinions on a person in the
first day or second that we meet them. Hey, and if scientists say it, it
must be true. I teach you how to live that.
MAURICE: ENOUGH! This is Pressing Issues. Enough now, okay? Enough.
Please, no more. Okay, my last panelist is someone without a plan to
sell. Without a program, but with a beautiful message, so it says here.
Vice City's civilian of the year for 1985, Jenny Louise Crab.
JENNY: Hi, Maurice. This is such a lovely studio.
MAURICE: Thanks. How are you doing?
JENNY: Great! GREAT! HEHE!! In fact, I'm fantastic. Did you see the
sunrise this morning? It was gorgeous. I've been smiling all day ever
since, ehehehe!
MAURICE: O-kay. Now let's get with the policy of ladies first, and since
you seem to be the more pleasent person here, Jenny, let's start with
you. You seem like a very happy person.
JENNY: Oh, I am, EHEHEHEHE!!! HEHE!!
MAURICE: Really? Why?
JENNY: Well, life's great, isn't it? HEHEHE!! I mean, good things come
my way because I hold each one close, because I deserve it.
SMITH: I bet you wouldn't be so cheery if you had the black plaque.
Jenny's living in a fictional world. Goths like me, we see the world for
what it is. Dark songs of the night, black nail polish, and very tight
black jeans, man.
JENNY: Like, everything is great, well, like, like, well, like
everything!
MAURICE: Konstantinos, you're shaking your head.
SMITH: I know, Maurice, I am.
MAURICE: Any particular reason?
SMITH: Yeah.
MAURICE: What, then?
SMITH: There's only one thing good about life.
MAURICE: Uh huh, and what that?
SMITH: DEATH!!
MAURICE: Death?
SMITH: Yeah, and dying. That's good, too. And black. And the moon. At
least when you're dead, you can go around as an astrobody, and visit
places like New Orleans. I love New Orleans. It really hot and
depressing.
JENNY: Oh, death is good.
MAURICE: IS IT?!!
JENNY: YEAH!!
MAURICE: What, i-i-if you're going to inheret alot of money?
JENNY: Yeah, no, I mean, yes. But also if you can be positive and upbeat
about things. I mean, like my parents were brutally murdered a few years
ago, yeah, and I was really bothered, but I kept smiling, and I got a
lot out of it. I'm a much better person today having dealt with that.
They were killed so I could have a great personal experience, and I see
that now.
SMITH: Lucky bastards! I wish someone would kill me. Then I could hang
out in the graveyard all the time instead of just on weekends.
JENNY: I know I'm really lucky to have the opportunity to learn about
life. You can't control everything in life, so start the day with a
smile, and you'll END the day with one.
MAURICE: What do you start a day with, Konstantinos?
SMITH: Usually with a pint of blood at dusk, then I light some candles
and cry.
JENNY: HEHEHE!! HEHE!! [laughter trails off, as if she has been
disturbed by Smith's comment]
MAURICE: O-kay, moving on, before we are all sick.
SMITH: No, Maurice, I DO, because I won't be constrained by you. Life is
cheap, man, and then you die. If you prepare for the afterlife now, you
will be able to summon spirits. That's the truth of the pentagram, man.
MAURICE: Ahem! How profound. You obviously have a lot of important
things to tell the world.
SMITH: The world is a lie, man. Only darkness is truth. I am very much
like Vlad Dracu, born in Sexora, 1441.
JENNY: HEHEHE, you're scaring me. I wish you would smile and be happy.
MAURICE: O-kay, right, this isn't going that well. Hey, look, --.
JEREMY: [intrrupting Maurice] Hey, can I say something?
MAURICE: NO! I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing
scheister!
JEREMY: Hey hey hey. Back down, buster, before I bust your balls. No
confrontation. As the say in the movies, I'm a man of peace. I'm done
killing. Work with me.
MAURICE: What do you want? A broken nose? Some spit in your eye? You're
pushing me, man. I'm Maurice Chavez.
JEREMY: I know who you are. You used to be a clown. I saw you at a bar
mitzvah once. You had a great act. What, did you get tired of kids
kicking you in the shin? Still, you were a first-class talent.
MAURICE: I was?
JEREMY: Yes, yes, great. But you lacked something.
MAURICE: I did?
JEREMY: Yeah. Confidence, friend. Confidence. You were all shot up with
nerves.
SMITH: I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid.
MAURICE: That can be arranged. We're talking about me, not mister
Konstantinos Smith.
JEREMY: Yes, confidence. It's where it all begins. Positive thinking.
What are we talking about today, Maurice?
MAURICE: I forget. Morality, oh no. Violence, oh, no. That Barry guy
without any clothes. Yes, you're right. Positive thinking.
JEREMY: Exactly, friend. We're talking about you, Maurice Chavez. You
couldn't cut it as a clown, but you're great, and I mean great, as a
public radio host. It take a lot of work to be up uppity and be self-
important all the time. Every cab I go in, the guys love you.
MAURICE: Hey, thanks.
JEREMY: Hey, don't thank me. Thank yourself. You've learned something,
then you started something, and now you're doing it. That's what it's
all about.
MAURICE: It is?
JEREMY: Yes. You thought your way to success. It's a three step program,
based on studying successful people. Like me. Or maybe learn start doing
is too intense for you. Maybe you should just think, hold that thought,
complete. I never had anyone complain about that program.
MAURICE: Stop that.
JEREMY: Hey, I engage with you, friend, and you're exchanging with me. I
cover this in my second tape. One is an positive action as practiced by
successful people like salesmen or prositutes, and the other is a
negative action as practiced by failures like winos and judges.
MAURICE: WHAT?
JEREMY: Stop interrupting me. You got to open your ears and close your
mouth. It's very important, I tell my old lady that all the time. I say,
"Hey, I don't wanna hear no complaining. I come home with piles of cash
every night and all you do is bitch." The learning starts in here, and
ends when we open this. Doing is a whole other story, but we'll come to
that. Now all you have to do is call me right away at 866-434-SELF, and
for just one monthly payment, I will change your life forever, I promise
you. I'll supply you with all the materials you'll need to completly
change the way you see the world, guaranteed.
MAURICE: Oh, now stop, stop right now. This is a debate program, not an
infomercial.
JEREMY: Hey, that's a great idea. Listen, friend. I mean this in a
friendly way. Debating is a yes and no proposition. You need to open
your mind to the maybes. We're discussing like friends, not debating
like enemies. You see the difference?
JENNY: Yes, I do. I think it's so much fun to be on the radio. I'd
listen more, but someone stole my radio when they killed my foster
family.
SMITH: I hate everyone, apart from the undead. They're the only ones you
can really get along with.
JEREMY: Well, that's a start. But even you, mister long hair and pale
skin, I can change your outlook, guaranteed.
JENNY: That's so great, like puppies!
SMITH: I saw some dead puppies once.
JENNY: Aww!
MAURICE: Konstantinos, I've noticed you have a lot of negative thinking.
Why the Goth lifestyle?
SMITH: Well, some say life is a tea party for zombies. Also, when you
only wear black, everything matches. In fact, I'll keep wearing black
until something darker comes along. It's a known fact that the best
poetry is written when you're horribly depressed.
JENNY: Hey, listen, I wrote a haiku. Oh, the red daisy. Flowers retain
all happiness. Sunshine, YEAH!! Sunshine, HEHEHE!!
JEREMY: You'd sound like you'd enjoy my program motivate, demonstrate,
then motivate again. Nobody ever complained about that program. You hug
people and you laugh like you never laughed before.
MAURICE: Let's get back to the topic at hand, eh? I had enough of this
weirdness. Jenny, let's start with you. How do you maintain such a
positive outlook on life? It says in your file that some awful things
have happened to you.
JENNY: I don't think anything awful has happened to me.
MAURICE: But it says you y-y-y-your parents were brutally murdered.
JENNY: MOMMY?! Where's mommy? She's just fine. She's probably taking a
nap. HAHAHAHA!! You're like my bad doll, Mr. Livingston. He's a bad
doll, BAD DOLL! Not like my other dolls. My mom's great though, thanks
for asking.
MAURICE: O-o-kay! WOW! You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranqulizers.
JENNY: If it's psychotic to be happy, then I guess I am. HEHEHE!!
SMITH: A stalagmite grows an inch every thousand years. That slow and
painful. That's how I want to live my life. If you can't see the misery,
stay out of the kitchen. You may have noticed this arm tattoo? It's
Egyptian, and it represnts the breath of life given in the afterworld.
It's my key to eternal life after death.
JEREMY: Hey, why don't you carry your keys in your pocket like everyone
else?
SMITH: Because only that which is scratched or burned into your flesh
comes with you to the afterlife.
JEREMY: Hehe. I bet my ex-wife will be there waiting for me in the
afterlife. The bitch is crazy. Hey, can you put a hex on my ex-wife,
like some kind of spooky voodoo or something?
SMITH: I do dabble in the dark arts and magic.
JEREMY: I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your
ass or pulling quarters out of your ears. I'm talking voodoo. You know,
dance around with a chicken voodoo. That bitch was a grass.
SMITH: Why does everyone assume that just because we're goths, we're
weird?
JEREMY: I don't know. The hood, cane, black fingernail polish may have
something to do with it. When was the last time you seen the sun?
SMITH: It's been over 18 years since I was out in open sunlight. I only
leave the house if it's raining, or if I need milk.
JEREMY: EXACTLY! Listen, I was just like you at one time, except I
didn't wear makeup. That would get you a firm beating where I grew up.
I'm happy to give you a sample of my course learn start doing. I promise
you'll run out and buy some colored clothing, and listen to some music
other than people groaning on and on for half an hour about how much it
rains in Manchester. Life is what you make of it. Look at me. I got a
condo, a hot tub, a lot of girls.
SMITH: Listen, you're really bringing me down, which is hard to do. I've
been to the other side many times. Sometimes, I barely come back. It's
all about astroprojection. Like right now, I'm projecting myself into
the women's bathroom at the fairgrounds.
JEREMY: Hey, that's a good trick. Maybe you and I should go into
business together.
MAURICE: Oi, look, I've had enough of this love fest. You, you're a
motivational conman, and you, you are a maniacally depressed looney with
enemia. You guys should hate each other.
JENNY: Did you say Love Fist? Those guys are so super. Listen, I just
wrote another poem. If I had a flower for everytime I I think of you,
I'd walk forever in a garden.
MAURICE: And I just wrote a poem, too. Shut up, you weird, pathetic
pimple. This is my show, Maurice Chavez. Capeech? Comprende? We are not
here to recite poetry or sell motivational tape or talk to dead people.
We are here to press the issue. Anyway, let's take a break. We'll be
right back after this important information from Vice City Public Radio.
MICHELLE: That's Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio.
If you haven't given money to VCPR, and you're listening to this
station, you are a thief.
JONATHAN: That's right, Michelle. You might as well as throw a brick
through the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This
is public radio, serving the public, with everything that is important.
Like me. So come on. Keep us on air. It's really important.
MICHELLE: Send us your money. I'm going to say this over and over until
you do.
JONATHAN: Yes. Michelle is known for her beg-a-thon tantrums. She cares
about this station, unlike you. Think of how much money you spend on
drive-thru fast food and comemorative plates. Take that money right now,
and send it, direct to me, Johnathain Freeloader, Starfish Island, Vice
City. Now back to the show, with Maurice Chavez, the asshole.
MICHELLE: You're correct. He IS an asshole.
MAURICE: I'm Maurice Chavez. Welcome back. I used to be a preformance
clown. Now, I'm running a debate show. Funny how things turn out, eh?
HEHEHE!!
JENNY: HEHE!!
MAURICE: Or is it? That's the question, you see? If we look upon life as
a positive experience, do we make it any better? That's what we're
discussing right now here on Pressing Issues. Free radio, with free
ideas. Just keep those donations pouring in. Don't sell out to
corporations. We all need a voice. Really, we do, and today, right now,
we're giving a voice to three very different people discussing positive
thinking. A healthy mental attitude. We got a goth/depressive, we've got
a very happy orphan.
JENNY: HEHEHEHE!!
MAURICE: And we got a motivational speaker with a number of systems.
JENNY: HEHE!!
MAURICE: So let's start with you Konstantinos, you strange, creepy,
creature of darkness. Have you got a positive mental attitude?
SMITH: I'd like to think so.
MAURICE: Oh really?
SMITH: Misery and suffering? It's everywhere, man. And I actively want a
fatal disease. What bad could possibly happen to me?
MAURICE: You could win the lottery?
SMITH: The lottery? That's for people with hope. I don't enter the
lottery.
MAURICE: You could. [2 second pause] Damn, you two, help me here.
JENNY: I think he's great. I think he's really sweet. I love your hair.
It reminds me of a big, shaggy dog with long, greasy, straight hair.
JEREMY: You know, Chavez, this weird goth guy? He's got a point. I mean,
in many ways, what he's talking about is covered in my three step
program, tape 17. Motivate, demonstrate, then motivate again, part 9.
Facing home truths. You see, we all have to face up to a few home
truths. I'll never be prom queen. Jenny will never have her parents.
JENNY: HEHEHE!!
JEREMY: You'll never make it in the entertainment business. It's about
realistic goals. I can change your life.
MAURICE: Now, now just a second, Robard. What isn't covered in your
three-step program? What don't you talk about in your Library Of
Congress sized tape cassette library? Whatever we talk about, greed,
goths, depression, changing lives. Who are you? What have you done
that's so great? You wear a cheap suit, your hair is stuck rigid with
spray, you're breath stinks of whisky. Y--you look like you sell drugs
to people. You're a joke, buddy, a bad joke.
JEREMY: Oh, now this is gettin' personal. I come on your cheap-ass show,
I spare my valuable time, I canceled several important speaking
engagements. I talk to thousand of VIPs in order to spread a message of
hope. And this is how I get treated. I get insulted by a man with
dandruff, I get slandered by a guy who couldn't amuse a birthday party
of 9 year olds, I get attacked by a guy who works on a voulunteer radio.
MAURICE: This is not voulunteer radio. I earn a salary!
JEREMY: How much? How much do you earn Chavez? Big man, tough guy with a
microphone and a cheap jacket, and a look that says, "My highest hope in
life is to work in a bookstore." I'm a go-getter. You're a cheapskate.
MAURICE: You're a fraud with nothing to tell people. And no way of
helping people.
SMITH: Excellent. I'm really loving this. I hope one of them gets
killed.
JEREMY: Shut up, dork!
JENNY: All the bunnies are stabbing each other!
JEREMY: Shut up! I have a condo, I have a hot tub, I've vacationed in
Aruba.
MAURICE: Vacation is not a verb, moron.
JEREMY: Yes it is, because I'm a VIP. I'm very important. And I'm a
teacher. A wise man. Not an opinionated dope, a naysayer sitting on the
side of life, critisizing others, when all he can do is get a crappy gig
down at a moron station. A man who lives with his mother.
MAURICE: I'm between apartments.
JEREMY: And I'm between mansions, buster. From helping people. Do you
know how good how it feels to be me? Do you have any idea? Any idea at
all how great it feels to wake up and realize you're a rich and talented
and important person and in a waterbed with mirrors on the celing and
more girls than you can imagine? And everytime I step outside the door,
I can choose which car to drive, if I choose to drive. I have five
chauffers.
MAURICE: No, you haven't.
JEREMY: Yes I have.
JENNY: Sweep it under the carpet, that's my motto. HEHEHEHE!! If I can't
see it, it's not there. EHEHEHEHE!!
MAURICE: Look, I hate to burst your bubble here, but I know you live in
a very small apartment overlooking the gas works. You ain't a big shot.
You ain't even a medium shot. You're an asshole. A creepy jailbird who
doesn't know the first---!
JEREMY: [interrupting Maurice] Hey, I have a message. I can save lives.
I'm a savior, my friend. I have a gift for communication, and this is
how I get treated. I get insulted, I get paired with a pair of retards,
a guy who's afraid of the sun, and a girl dosed up to the eyeballs on
anti-depressents. Sweetheart, I can get you something much better.
JENNY: These pills are very strong today. Maybe I took too much
accidently. Oh well! Ehhehehe.
JEREMY: This chick is out of her mind. I thought I was going to get to
help people on the radio. To demonstrate my program. To help you,
Chavez. Those people on the phones said you were a desperate, lonely man
on the edge.
MAURICE: LEAVE! LEAVE RIGHT NOW! Get out of my studio. Go get your own
radio show. Go save some other people.
JEREMY: Hey, I'm not leaving until I have the opportunity to save
people, and sell some tapes. You can call right now and send in the
money order. Soon, you can have a luxury condo and a waterbed, and a
suit made in Singapore based on the latest Italian style.
MAURICE: ENOUGH!! ENOUGH NOW, SHUT UP!
JEREMY: Hey, vampire boy, I'll give you 20 bucks if you can put a hex on
Chavez.
SMITH: [as Jenny's laughing]* Dark forces, I summon you to me, banish
these weaklings and mental inferior ones from my presence.
*I had a lot of people e-mail me on this one. I don't remember most of
them, but I didn't modify this section because I was a bit cautious on
over modifying, as I did not write this section.
MAURICE: SHUT UP!
JEREMY: No, you little snotty-nosed prick.
MAURICE: WHAT?!!
JEREMY: You're shoes got lifts, buster, I can tell.
MAURICE: Eh, LIFT THIS, HAIRSPRAY!!
[sound of something hitting something]
JEREMY: OW, MY NOSE!!
JENNY: Daddy, stop bleeding!
JEREMY: This costs a lot of money. I'll sue you into jail, asshole.
JENNY: Stop fighting, please! I hate it when we fight! Can't we have a
group hug?!
SMITH: Hit me, man. I LIKE IT!!
JEREMY: Ow, my damn nose.
MAURICE: AWW, stop crying, baby boy. Who you gonna tell, huh? Where's
you're three-step program now? You think I'm a little wimp now? You want
to be rude about Pressing Issues now, eh? You think you a tough guy from
the gutter now, ah, my friend? You think you can screw with me? With
Maurice Chavez? What you thinking, asshole?
JEREMY: Ah, I'm sorry. Please don't hit me again. I, I love your show.
MAURICE: Eh. Well, I think I understand this positive thinking. And that
was Pressing Issues. I think we covered a lot of ground. We learned all
about how to press the issue. And remember, if at first you don't get
hurt, beat the guy very hard in the face with a paperweight. It just
worked for me, and I feel like a million dollars. Let's tell you a
little bit more about exactly how public radio is financed and quality
programs like Pressing Issues come on the air. Don't go away.
MICHELLE: That was Pressing Issues, and this is Vice City Public Radio.
We hope you're enjoying this show as much as you're about to enjoy
listening to me and Jonathan Freeloader.
JOHNATHAN: Hello, everybody.
MICHELLE: Hi, Jonathain. How are you?
JONATHAN: Heartbroken, Michelle.
MICHELLE: Why, Jonathan, why?
JONATHAN: Well, because it seems people just don't care anymore. I mean,
where are people's priorities? We have campaigned tirelessly for Public
Radio for litterly months now, and the station is still in trouble. But
a man with a hygine problem puts on a pop concert, and suddenly everyone
has money to hand over to starving kids they never even met. I think
it's a disgrace.
MICHELLE: Yes. People are very shallow.
JONATHAN: Like you?
MICHELLE: Exactly like me. But radio is much more important than food. I
have a good mind not to let them back into Pressing Issues this time.
You have to give us some money. It is a--it--it's a disaster. That's
what it is. What's wrong with you people? Please. We're struggling to
pay for our second homes here.
JONATHAN: And I've only had three vacations this year.
MICHELLE: You poor, poor man. Let's get on with the show. Remember, call
now. Please. We need your money. Urgently.
2D: MY FAVORITE QUOTES
"Oh, look. Stump-jumpin' Jethro is using all three of his brain cells
to talk!"- Alex Shrub
"I'm a patriot! I've even got an orange grove tattooed all over my
groin!"- John F. Hickory
"At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive
speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate."- Callum Crayshaw
"Puppets can say what men cannot."- Callum Crayshaw
"The fact is business is run by moral people who won't do anything
illegal or try to get rich quickly."- Alex Shrub
"We're deep in acronym hell right now... Or is it purgatory?"- Maurice
Chavez
"It's about putting the family first. That's really important to me,
and where a lot of my morality comes from... And if you don't like it,
find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!"- Jan Brown
"I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies... What a load of claptrap. Wha-
What's your kid going to do at a school with a name like Moonbeam or
Wave or Horseradish or whatever they call 'em."- Jan Brown
"Most people are idiots, and that's exactly who my teachings appeal
to."- Pastor Richards
"If this is the land of the free, let's start with our pants!"- Barry
Stark
"Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves on fire?
I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I
may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a threat to my kids
all the time, so it's no wonder they're so screwed up."- Jan Brown
"And that's just the kind of person I am: opinionated and moronic."- Jan
Brown
"That's a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!"- Pastor
Richards
"Yes. Mean bitch! I hope she dies an agonizing death!"- Michelle
Montanius
"See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It
doesn't! That's why you should give now."- Michelle Montanius
"Remember, VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time
Square."- Jonathan Freeloader
"Don't be shy! Please, we've all got one! That means I'm happy!"-
Barry Stark
"Dios mio! You shot him! There-there-there's blood, and-and pubic hair
all over the studio!"- Maurice Chavez
"...Then I light candles and cry."- Konstaninos Smith
"Okay... Wow, you're psychotic... and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranquilizers!"- Maurice Chavez
"I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or
pulling quarters out of your ears." --Jeremy Robard
"All the bunnies are stabbing each other!"- Jenny Louise Crab
<[<[<[Darkpowrjd's favorite quotes]>]>]>
[You] write a newspaper column, that lines my birdcage." --Alex Shrubb
"You think what? Have you been snortin' BLOCKS?!" --Alex Shrub
"I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues. But I
especially hate Yankees." --John Hickory
"I even got a orange grove tattooed all over my groin." --John Hickory
"Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and pounding
the living crap outta each other as I saw in a mothers' PTA group
meeting, recently?" --Maurice Chavez
"Baseball is our national sport - our national passtime. Joining
together as men in order to reward the act of running around in a
circle." --Alex Shrub
SHOW 2:
"What is it, the Degeneratron? What a crock of shit!" --Jan Brown
"And I should know. I'm from MARS!" --Pastor Richards
"If you put a bunch of leftovers from the fridge in a pan and bake it,
somebody will probably eat it." --Pastor Richards
"People at high school and cheerleading are all naked!" --Barry Stark
"When people of Vice City are in a Quik-E-Mart, they should be able to
have a safe financial transaction, without seeing your firehose!" --
Maurice Chavez
"No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon." --Barry Stark
"Don't be shy. Please, we've all got one. That means I'm happy." --Barry
Stark
"T-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio. Ladies and
gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me,
the multiaward winning and soon to be executed Maurice Chavez." --
Maurice Chavez
"It's okay to use tongues." --Barry Stark
SHOW 3:
"When I was in jail, I got the idea for my current business." --Jeremy
Robard
"NO! I'm still pissed off with you, you shoulder-pad wearing scheister!"
--Maurice Chavez
"I'd like to be all shot up with embalming fluid." --Konstantinos
"O-o-kay! WOW! You're psychotic, and dosed up to the eyeballs on
tranqulizers." --Maurice Chavez
"I ain't talking about magic like pulling a rabbit out of your ass or
pulling quarters out of your ears." --Jeremy Robard
"If you haven't given money to VCPR, and you're listening to this
station, you are a thief." --Michelle Montanius
"Who are you? What have you done that's so great?" --Maurice Chavez
(this isn't a really funny quote, but he NAILED this line perfectly)
"Vacation is not a verb, moron." --Maurice Chavez
"Eh, LIFT THIS, HAIRSPRAY!!" --Maurice Chavez
"Hit me, man. I LIKE IT!!" --Konstantinos
----------------------
/ SECTION 3: LEGAL BIT \
--------------------------
This FAQ is copyright 2002 to Joe Shaffer, aka BoredGamer. Any use of
this FAQ for commercial purposes in any way, shape, or form without
confirmed consent of the author is strictly prohibited. This can be
used for personal use and freely distributed, as long as there is no
profit being made off the FAQ without my approval before hand (this
includes magazines). This also cannot be posted on any websites without
my solid approval. Any failure to comply with said premises can, and
probably will, result in legal actions.
The script used in this FAQ is copyright 2002 to Rockstar Games. NONE
of the above script material was written by me originally at all.
----------------------------------
/ SECTION 4: THANK YOU AND GOODBYE \
--------------------------------------
Thanks to...
Jeff "CJayC" Veasey and GameFAQs
Rockstar Games
Lazlow and Dan Hauser for writing the script
Thanks to the following people for corrections:
Slithers, condelore, revenge of voicezzz, NYR Fan, mst3k29, quirex, lep,
gray_fox, carlosmu74, atomic_ruins, Shark463, Supertrav77, Mordoc,
gihish, RodriguezEMINEM
jkuleck for giving me the info on Maurice Chavez.
Darkpowrjd for contributing his portion of the script.
Quotes of GTA for hosting this guide.
countess mushroom for shedding some light onto a few parts of the FAQ.
ismacked for info on Alex Shrub.
(c) Joe Shaffer 2002
(c) Darkpowrjd (Third section of script)
All script information (c) Rockstar Games 2002
Script written by Lazlow and Dan Hauser